Part of it is hormones talking, part of it is the holidays

[cornerofmadness]

The ovarian cysts are back (which would explain the sudden weight gain) and speeding up the monthly cycle to barely two weeks apart. They don't want to remove the problem cystic ovary (which is also freaking out my sugar) they only want to do a hysterectomy which will not fix what the cysts themselves are doing to my body. sigh.

But the real downer more so than freaked out hormones is the holidays. Ever since 2001 I've had a building dread of the holidays. Partly it was the political talk which has finally begun to die some (especially since my democrat as long as I can remember parents have gone to the opposite side in a big way). Partly is a feeling of detachment. I think that's been there all year long but at the holiday it crystalizes. Mostly because it occurs to me on days like today as I frantically clean house so i can go back to PA that I have no reason NOT to go back there for 3 weeks. There is nothing here. This is just a place I go to sleep.

I used to date. I haven't most of this century (ha makes it sound so long). From 2001-2006 I KNEW my living where I was during those years was temporary. Finding someone, falling in love would have accomplished nothing when I knew I would have to move on. I keep dreaming of escaping here though I've been too depressed for the last 2 years to even bother (I mean I tried and tried and couldn't even get to the first interview let alone the face to face second interview). There are so few people here that I have anything in common with. Hell more than half the people here never even graduated h.s. What would I talk to them about?

Granted I've always been too busy to date much. Attempted to get 3 degrees at once in undergrad (fell short by one class), medical school I dated some but in the end that was doomed. Even during my residency I did but once I got injured in 2000 it ended. I never really did want kids. I regret that the most. Maybe if I had had my last doctor job first, I would have thought differnt, seeing all those old women in the homes dying along and their one regret was always not having kids. Now I share it. Of course that could be the hormones talking.

In less depressing news, I got all my gifts mailed and I did clean a little bit. I found out that my sweeper's issue was not just that the bag was filled but a colum of cat fur as long as my forearm was jammed into the intake hose like felt. This thing fills up way faster than my last vacuum. Hopefully itll work again.

I DID get a lot written. I'm nearly done with my fma_santa fic and I can honestly say that's because I turned off the internet. IT's the only way I'm going to accomplish anything.

I need to pack more. I have to be home by thursday night because friday Santa (i.e. dad) is taking my car to Costco to chip in half (and his costco card) to get me tires.

Speaking of my card, my insurance is like well if you got thru is it can be fixed in days, you just pay us 250$ and will TRY to get it back from the other person's insurance. Why should I pay anything? I opted to call the other insurance. Progressive gives me their number which turned out to be a clearing house for information that was trying to hard sell me a membership and they'd give me 100$ gift card right now. I nearly had to hang up to get rid of her. She gives me the number and I think to be a bitch she gave me the number to a psychic. Wait until I tell Progressive this tomorrow. I finally did get what I wanted but now i have to wait on a second adjustor. sigh.

I got this link from George Takei, an interesting article on identical twins where one is transgenderer I'm surprised that an identical twin is actually that different from her brother and I'm also surprised that pediatricians are willing to delay puberty to help ease her into gender reassignment later (can't even imagine the grief this family is probably getting from some nutjob somewhere)

and from writer's digest ways to build your author’s platform

and for some reason I just paged thru 87 canceled TV shows of 2011 and had no idea The Closer was done for. On the plus side Sarah Palin's Alaska is no more


ETA - something totally silly from sillymagpie Oh look Mom was right. I DO belong with Sheldon

Which Regency Hero Should You Marry?

Prideful Hunk He's a viscount or possibly just a Mister whose family is so old his surname name is Norman French in origins and he has precedence over several earls and even a duke. He wardrobe makes Beau Brummel look like last month's Gentleman's Journal. If he played cards, he'd win. But he doesn't. He's stinking rich and despite his high opinion of himself, his friends are unaccountably nice. When you meet him, he dismisses you as beneath him. Slowly, he's won over by your intelligence and wit, but it's all over for him when he sees your ankle. Once you accidentally see him in a wet shirt you understand you're meant to be.

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Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about the cysts. Ugh.

There are actual reasons why I kind of like spending the holidays alone. No real expectations, no reason for me to have to smile when I just want to leave the room. I enjoy hanging out with my family, but I'm not a joiner. I felt way more comfortable hanging with you and silvrethorn after the holidays than my family during.

I'm glad your fma_santa is going well!

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

Sympathy for your ovarian cysts. They removed my cystic ovary, I went through menopause, and I'm much happier.

What's a love life? I have a cat, and food.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

they hurt

i get harrassed to the point if i don't come home it would be worse than going

I'm not sure i like it. I think it's a downer

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I'll bet.

Yeah, I already warned Mom that I might have to stay here rather than go to Tennessee. I have the dogs, and I may have work. Who knows, at this point.

Awwww.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

work makes a great excuse. Mom can see my work schedule on our website

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i can believe that

sometimes i long for intelligent conversation my cats are dumb

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, and of course, you being a college professor, and everyone knows they only work half the month of December anyway.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

not even that this time

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

my cats are dumb

...and your students aren't that bright, either.
(rimshot)

[silvrethorn.livejournal.com]

If _you_ know that removing the cystic ovary would help, why don't _they_ know that? What's with removing the uterus and leaving the screwed-up ovary? What's the poor uterus ever done to anybody, anyway?

I can't believe Thurman is worse than Ocala for finding people you have something in common with, but it sounds possible. Ah, small-town rural America. It sucks, doesn't it?

If you're feeling lonely, I'll gladly send you R., the Puerto Rican library courier. He spends all day shuttling from building to building full of female librarians, so he's like the lone rooster in an infinite hen-house. You can practically see the testosterone floating in his eyeballs when he struts by. He's just out of the military, too, so he's buff. On the down-side, he's on the north side of fifty and would only come up to your collar bones, but other than that he's a real hot tamale.

For what it's worth, I've never once regretted not having children. My parents have regretted not having grandchildren, though, so I feel a little bad for them. There's something built into our DNA--well, normal people's DNA, anyway--that makes us regret seeing our genetic legacy wither away.

I looked at all those 87 canceled shows, too. Morbid curiosity, I guess. Half of them I'd never heard of, but good riddance to Palin's Alaska, Kate Plus Eight and one of those trashy Housewives shows (the D.C. one, I believe, and I wish the New Jersey one would follow suit).

Oh, and did you notice America's Most Wanted is now airing on Lifetime? It's on Fridays, in case you missed the premier.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

So, there you go.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Oh, good one. XD

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I think she likes that height, silvrethorn.

And I've also never once regretted not having kids.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

it could have cancer since i'm so OOOOOOLD. the cysts aren't big enough and removing ovaries can cause alzheimers

yes he's a tad old for me but I like the little ones. I can toss them around

my parents are very upset about the grandkid things. I never did want kids til I hit my mid 30s and saw all those old regretful women

i'd never heard of most of those shows and yes thank god for the loss of oh so many reality shows

i missed the premier darn it.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

sadly so true

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I DO like that height

yeah well imagine my surprise

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I know you.

That you found yourself wanting them, or that I don't?

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

At least it sounds like he dresses better than Sheldon... ;-)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

true. i did notice though that almost every last one of them on that show wears a t-shirt over long sleeves...

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

Funny, I was never aware that Lord D'Arcy saw Elizabeth Bennett's ankle. ;-P

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

Geez, they never mentioned Alzheimer's to me. Or if they did, I forgot. Maybe that's why I'm so...

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

either they need to be tall and stringy like Sheldon and Dr. Reid or they need to be little dudes (I like looking at the muscley ones but not so much to play with)

that i would want one

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

it's a pretty new finding the link between early onset alzheimer's and ovary removal

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hahaha it's a secret

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

Oh, goody. Well, it had suspicious cells, so it had to go in any case. I have one left. It's not doing anything, but it's there.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yes that needed to go. If you have one, the bad side effects are lessened.

but wtf is up with this in the first place. Ovaries = alzheimers. guys don't even have them so why isn't their risk even higher??

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I like tall and stringy and tall and lightly muscled, both. Of course, you KNOW what I attract as a general rule.

*nod* Actually, not all that surprising, really, considering the things we've talked about in the past.

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Holidays can be pretty stressful and depressing times. It's not surprising that they bring up stuff. If you think a move would be good for you, are there ways you could try to make that happen? I know you don't love your neighbourhood, and being in an environment you enjoy more can make a real difference.

I saw that link on the twins on Dan Savage. Identifying trans kids early and letting them take puberty blockers is a growing trend, apparently. You can imagine the difference it'd make for a young trans woman. That they're twins is really interesting but doesn't surprise me given Dr H and her very much straight sister. There was a huge difference in their gender expression growing up. H was a little tomboy, Alice was very girly. When you look at photos of Helen and Alice together from their childhood, the contrast in how they dress and carry themselves is quite impressive (and amusing). They're otherwise very alike in a lot of ways, although they're mirror-image twins (H is left-handed, A right, H is a doc, Alice an advertising copywriter). I was really heartened to see that the twins in the story are (like Helen and her sister) best friends.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

they really are. Unfortunately no. I can't. Unless I find a job elsewhere. About the only place here where I could find a cohort more my style would be Athens (where I go for my writers group) but that would mean sucking up an 80 mile drive (which you'll note I am doing now for my second job) but the real estate there is out of my price range unless I want to share with someone and I'm done with that unless I'm sleeping with him. Which brings me back to the original problem.

See, I do find it fascinating because identical twins have identical (more or less) DNA so you would expect gene expression to be the same. It's interesting to me that Alice and Helen had a diverging path from early on. My aunt who is dying and her twin remain so much the same that telling them apart remained difficult until aunt Shelia got so ill.

And yes, I do find it wonderful that the twins are supportive of one another and I do talk a little about the new trend of early gender reassignment or not picking a gender in a hermaphroditic child (hence that question I posted) and give a friend as an example. She was born a hermaphrodite, dad wanted a boy and she spent the rest of her life trying to become one (unfortunately I fear she was lost to the drug scene in New Orleans years ago). I actually know several transgendered people

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yes you get the leonards and frohikes of the world

well interesting

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, I do, except for Chazwell and Sean, both of whom were over six foot tall.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

there is that

[caffeinified.livejournal.com]

Cysts are like ninjas. They're good at sneaking back in.

I admit, I do love the holidays. I love everything about them. But I do understand the whole detached feeling. It sucks when there's no reason to stay and every reason to find something else. And the depression on top of that detached feeling just magnifies everything else you're feeling.

Occasionally Wyatt and I think about having kids. Then Christmas or Thanksgiving comes around and we go out to his parents ranch where between all his brothers and sister there are eight kids and at the end of the night we get in the truck and there's silence. Ahhhh blessed silence. Nah.

Do you still go out and meet up with that writers group you used to be a part of? Just little things like that might help with the detached feeling.

I wanted to tell you that yesterday I worked and pushed and prodded my way through that chapter six I had been stuck on for so long. I'm now on chapter eight. So it can be done!! Even if it was tedious for some unknown reason. I bring you tidings of great hope... in writing. :D

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah my mom loves the holidays but any more even her enthusiasm hasn't helped (granted the last two have been marked with death and sickness so...)

having time to myself without kids is also nice,yes

I do but even there it's like i'm going thru the motions

oh yay, good for you. that's great

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

:D

[enemytosleep]

I was really touched by the twins article - the whole bathroom blocking lawsuit thing struck home with me as my trans friend in high school was told she could not use the womens' restrooms. Unfortunately for her, she had no family backing her (they threw her out on the street when she came out), and the school was not the least bit supportive. I started a tshirt campaign, but in the end all we were able to get was for her to get a key to the staffs bathrooms (unisex, single stall throughout the building). At least she wasn't forced into the mens' rooms, but still - it's nice to see situations where the family is supportive and they are able to fight for her rights.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

it was even harder on some of my transgendered friends in h.s. since that was in the 80's and no one was that accepting then

and yes it's very good to see the family backing her

[silvrethorn.livejournal.com]

Kids aren't for everybody. Along with the regretful old ladies are equally bitter old mothers who wish they'd never had the kids they produced. You had siblings to pick up the slack in producing grandkids, though, so you got an automatic bye there.

[jojo-kun.livejournal.com]

Why is it that doctors always want to do a hysterectomy? It's like their magic cure-all. I hope that they can take care of your cysts without taking that overly-drastic step!

I know someone who is an identical twin, but who is a F to M transgendered man. And he just had a baby! This crazy world we live in! ;P

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I don't know. There are other options especially since the uterus isn't teh problem (my age plays a role in this. that thing only has a couple years left on it)

That is wild too and congrats to him

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

my brother won't be having kids either.

ANd yes there are those people as well no doubt about it. I think all the trouble I had this year also plays a role in my missing out on having a family. My arm is still only partially functioning

[jojo-kun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there are definitely other options, but doctors usually just want to yank the entire thing.

I know, right? So happy for him and his partner! ^^

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

my doc is surgery happy too. It's the one thing about her I don't like

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I did, and there are already the same number of great-grandkids. Which you can see two of them in my FB page, with Mom.