cornerofmadness

So today I put everything in bags to go home tomorrow (literally the only window to even make it back at this point and pray Friday's snow storm doesn't come early). And then my father and I went to see my uncle. His roommate is a very lonely man (and honestly I'm not sure why he's not in assisted living vs full care because he doesn't seem in need but maybe he has more serious dementia than is easily evident) and does not shut up. He spent most of my visit talking to us vs us talking to my uncle. (I'm used to this. In career one I ran into this daily, having to fake emergency calls on my pager to escape some of them because I'm their doctor not the visiting angel there to talk to them for hours)

It was of course a sad visit and my uncle told me he loved me several times. This is significant. My family does NOT say i love you. Seriously. He has never said this before (I don't even hear it from my parents or brother or cousins you get the drift.) He wouldn't let go of my hands when it was time to leave. Also probably the first time he's ever kissed me.

And the last. he knows it. I know it. I will be surprised if he lives out the month.

When the insurance is more aggravating and painful than the speculum exam you know there is a problem. So I gave myself 2 hours to get to the oncologist today (which is only a 75 mile trip, takes usually about an hour and 15 minutes) because I knew there were issues in the Hal Greer corridor (major construction). it wasn't enough. They had work being done in front of Hillbilly Hot Dog with the flaggers about 20 feet either direction of the restaurant so most people didn't know which way to go (It wasn't that hard people. I knew which way I had to go) There was more construction too. Sigh.

I get there and give them this new shit insurance which SHOULD cover this because I checked that months ago. Out of the state of OH you need to use the Cigna portion of this insurance. It kept saying my employer hadn't signed up for this part of the insurance. After 20 minutes of them fighting with it, they said just go on back. We'll deal with this later. By the time I was done it was fixed but their billing dept had to go beat up on my insurance before they'd admit yes this is covered. Who wants to bet I get a bill??

I'm fine such as it is. Literally the entire test (for the next FIVE years) is for them to eyeball the vaginal cuff they built out a uterine ligament. If it looks funky then it's radiation. There is NO blood tests (female cancers don't, males do) Insurance won't pay for ultrasounds, not even one a year. It's fucking sound, how much can this cost (3 grand if it's the blood vessels in my leg)

It took me longer to get naked than the exam took. Glad I drove there for this.

So I went to the comic book shop from there, signed up for stuff but learned the 'new' comicbook by Tynion with Dark Horse that was in the pride month announcement actually started 10 months ago. Um...also the one I wanted that started this month was sold out (will look online for it) and then signed up for a queer horror comic, Summer Shadow (I think...)

Went to Walmart looking for sandals I can get wet. Nothing in my size will check elsewhere. Went to Michael's who apparently wants to lose business with this self check out bullshit that doesn't even work. I wasn't leaving until someone worked my coupons (they did) they had all their halloween stuff out (makes sense since you need time for crafts) I did get some tombstones from Lemax (they have 3 amazing new houses. I said no more. I know I know. I didn't buy them because they were over 100$, one was nearly 200$) and now they have this cheap plastic Ashland series that you can literally make a haunted dollhouse out of. Hey I have one? Okay now it has a fireplace. Don't judge me!!

Macy's had shorts (not on sale, keep them at 70$ each) and a pink and white striped sundress. I rarely wear pink. RARELY. This was cute. And you know what the ruffled bottom was perfect as the wide pinstripe look is huge in steampunk. I could put a black maxi-overdress on this and it would be perfect. Unfortunately a) the halter top portion made me look like a manatee in a dress (or at least 9 months pregnant) because it was that elastic gum top, the old 70s tubetop shit b) too expensive for me to buy it and modify it. If it had been cheaper I would have bought it and removed the top and put a waistband on the skirt. Ah well.

Home Goods/TJ Maxx also had Halloween stuff out. Now they have no excuse for this (I did not buy it because oddly it was mostly the same stuff as last year there and at Michael's but once Michael's gets it all out I'll be back because I want to do Rosie's hat and it requires a lot of red and black feathers) I got some shortbreads and biscotti and went to eat.

Hit BooksaMillion last. There are SO. Many. new manga any more it's so easy to get decision paralysis. I got nothing because one of the ones I'm reading I couldn't remember if I had this volume or not and the rest either sound silly or uninteresting to me. There were a couple from webtoons that looked good (but I can get them cheaper from BAM online.) Speaking of which I saw they had the books The Guardian tv series is from (also probably cheaper if I get them online) They look interesting. I know a lot of my friends are into these Asian dramas but this is the one I think I'd like a lot.

Let's continue with the Music Monday Alphabet theme with sharing songs that begin with a certain letter. Feel free to chime in with your favorite song(s) that follow the weekly letter. Hit me with your faves. This week's letter is K

( yeah I haven't even replied to your J songs but here are my K songs )

I got to Hillbilly Hotdog for lunch and managed to pick up my pull list before getting to the oncologist. So yeah Caball hasn't even HEARD of the shit insurance we're switching to so it's probably a good bet I have to switch oncologists. Right now he has me coming back in 6 months but seeing my usual OB/GYN in 3 months to give me time to work on the whole fucking insurance bullshit.

I did ask WHAT they're looking for every 3 months since there's no blood tests for any female related cancers. IF there is a recurrence of the endometerial cancer it will be where they made the vaginal cuff or in the vagina so it's a fun speculum exam every 3 months for 2 years.

I was seeing the nurse practitioner and asked will I see the surgeon? You can if you want to but the appt is with me. So I tell her about the increasing pain and the stupid non-healing port (she agreed, the suture obviously didn't hold) and she does the exam and goes 'yeah I'm getting the doctor. Don't worry. It's intact but inflamed'

Well fuck.

Truth: I expected it. I'm diabetic and I have a collagen disorder. I would be shocked if I healed well and fast. He was fine with it. I'm on weight restrictions for another month. It's healing just taking it's time. He looks at me with the port wound, you know how to treat that. You can handle it. Yep, right one it. I can, in fact, fix it. That was my specialty, wound healing.

So it could have gone better but it could also have gone worse and I'm thankful it wasn't worse. However in going to the elevator, I took a step and something popped in my foot. Remember that collagen disorder? Yeah I strained something in the mid foot but it's painful enough driving back was a bitch.

Especially since I didn't come right back. I had shopping to do. I got most everything I wanted though. And then I saw it shining like a beacon: the mighty nein origins hard cover at Books a million. It's 50$. I didn't buy it figuring I COULD find it cheaper online even at Books a Million itself because I want that like burning.

I'm sort of in the I have cancer I'm treating myself mode.

But it also made me think this as did the Inner Geek comic book store. I NEED to find an online site that details new comics. I had no idea that there was a mighty nein (there are many crit role comics as it turns out) comics. There were several comics on the shelves at IG that look interesting but I have NO idea what they're about. I'm not tossing out 5$ a book (especially with my limited space) for things I don't know. Manga at least has blurbs like a book. Individual comics don't. I really do need to find a site where I can look that stuff up, get things I want on the pull list. Any suggestions hive mind?

about myself is one of my stress reactions is to get angry. extremely angry. ugly angry. I'm there right now. Everything is irritating me and everything is likely to set me off in spite of me trying not to give in to that rage. Honestly that line of Bruce's from The Avengers 'I'm always angry.' resonates way too well for me. Sigh.

But long story short I got my holiday lights without losing it. They went to L because she has prime and Amazon would mail to her a WEEK before me (because I live in BFE) and the first seller of the solar panel christmas lights lied about having them and put the delivery date in Jan. This was try two but came after work ended (my grades are in. I'm done). They're very pretty lights. Let's see if I can get them out there.

I'm very stressed because I'm going home days earlier than usual. Also my pain is increasing (because I have no time to take it easy) Sigh

But my novel is reedited and back to the publisher. And the editor knew of a Japanese Bakery in Columbus that I will now have to go to.


And can't even believe this one how to have a multi book Del Rey contract and an agent and lose them because you're petty The tiktok included is worth listening to. The basic gist is she tried to look like the best debut of early 2024 by review bombing the rest of the debuts using fake accounts (and almost ALL BIPOC authors and she's white so Jesus)


How about a little twist on music monday? Every week a new letter represented. You've seen this challenge before. So the group/solo act has to start with the letter of the week and if you want you can borrow this for you blog or drop your music into the comments here. Let's have some fun with this. Share some music with me

Letter L

( lots of L )

It was a long Christmasy day in the not-fun way. What should have been a quick trip to Jackson turned out to be four hours... okay one was me having a nice christmassy drink at my coffee house but not writing much on what SHOULD be an easy fandomtrees story.

I stopped at the YMCA to ask why is it taking automated payments when it shouldn't. They couldn't figure it out either and said in Jan. it will stop because they're ditching this shit system. Notice they didn't offer me the money back... (I'm not cleared for working out last month or this) they aren't doing their charity tree stuff this year. Huh.

The library was. Also this library is my Popsugar savior, it had Sir Pat's memoir facing out and I grabbed it last month and today it has Melissa Etheridge's memoir so I'll get that in Jan for that autobiography of a female rocker that I don't want to read (bonus it's short) Anyhow I grabbed a kid's want list off the tree. She's 8 and wants Wednesday Addams (and I found my child apparently). BUT it's due by Sat. morning and I have no time to get something cool from Amazon or go to a mall. Beall's had Jackshit. Big Lots had Wednesday mugs but I'm not getting an 8 year old ceramic coffee mugs. So I was forced to do the one thing I hate: Go to Wal-Mart. It had a Wednesday shirt in every size but hers. Guess what young lady, you'll grow into it. Found a few other things on her wish list so I hope she gets a smile this holiday.

Now I've burned a lot of time. I get home at 3 pm finally to find out something that made me unhappy ( tmi post surgery )

Came home and struggled to wrap gifts. There aren't many this time (more big things, less piddly stuff) but it still took all night, that and writing cards. I'm finally almost out of Christmas cards. Woo hoo. Now I can go look for more. Also if you want a card (especially if you're international) I probably lost your addy so please sign up here. or PM me.

You don't insult the people teaching classes for your program by saying we're not rigorous enough so we should kowtow to you. that's all I want to say on a public forum but the bridges are burning.

to make this day suck more, we're switching health insurance. I suspected that when I was at the wellness committee and they were talking about not having enough money for the committee next year. Can't wait to see what doctors and what meds I have to change....again. Watch my vascular surgeon and my oncologist isn't on this new insurance because we've had it before about 10 years ago and it SUCKED hard.


Still no cards or gifts mailed out but I got a card from spikesgirl58an today. thanks

And today I learned Pittsburgh's big con is this weekend and Lou Diamond Phillips there. Naturally I can't make it. ugh.

I finally took down the Halloween village. My coworkers told me to leave and just put Santa hats on the skeletons.

Again I'm way too tired for the fandom thing. I just can't seem to get my energy up. Even washing dishes is too much as the counter hits RIGHT where the incisions are healing. fun times.

to tears since this all began. I'm fine but disappointed again and again. I'm disappointed I missed all of my Halloween activities. I'm disappointed I can't go to Galaxy con. I'm disappointed it took me literally all day to do some simple things and I'm not done yet (work related) I'm disappointed in the third annual Krampus parade. Sigh.

I'll be honest, if I hadn't gone out to dinner with friends, it would have been a wasted trip. We wrapped up dinner early. I had spoken to those hosting the Krampus parade (when I realized that it was going to be a LONG walk) and they said they were leaving the new age store at 530 and it would take about a half hour to get to the community center. Okay. So I went to Kroger's to kill time but I was still in the parking lot by 540 and I put on my wig/horns, sat there for a while, no parade. I could see people inside the center so finally I went in. Krampus walked past me sans head and went outside.

Inside were the vendors all five of them. Two do exactly what I do. One does crocheted critters but I have about five friends who do that so... and then one who did simple wood working stuff (and I stood there wondering how much trouble I'd get in if I put the holiday ornament on my office door that said holiday lights and reproductive rights) whom I've bought from before. Next to her (either her friend or her wife, wasn't sure) was a woman I haven't seen before who did mushroom knick knacks and jewelry which I did love. I bought a pair of glow in the dark mushroom earrings, wandered a bit, it's now 625, no parade, no krampus and I was already sore (more on that) so I gave up, got some peppermint timbits (yum) and a mocha because Tim Horton's was out of peppermint flavoring for their coffees (ah disappointment).

It rained all the way home. It wasn't supposed to rain.

I wish to hell I had help with laundry. Even taking it out in little bits, it HURT. I said so on facebook. My secretary yelled at me for not asking her for help. I don't want to bug people on their day off. I do think I'll need to put my luggage in the car empty and walk things out a few items at a time.

So yeah just disappointed.

I'm also vaguely disappointed in what I found to write in fandomtrees, usually I have several picked out and saved in a file. This time there is three....and so many fandoms I've never heard or or ones I have but the prompts are in no way anything I could write or would want to. Ah well, that should make it a little easier. I DID however find someone who likes Surreal Estate and now I don't feel alone.

But also THANK YOU for those who chimed in on my book rec request. Please feel free to keep on tossing in more books. By sheer luck I found out one of the mysteries I had tried to win has a lead who is 42 and the library has it so I will get that one. I'm sure I have a book about a writer around here but I can't remember which one that might be.


Advent tea Day 2 - Pomegranate Grove pure tisane which isn't my favorite and now I'm not allowed to drink too much of this (they often have things that fuck with my blood thinners) this is rose hips, rose petals, hibiscus, apple pieces, cinnamon ginger oranges, raspberries and pomegranate. It's sweet and really rather good.

Bonus tea - I bought adagio's tri pepper chai, really good BUT throat numbing with all that black pepper. Would be good if you have a sore throat.

Right at the end of the exam and the nurse practitioner said exactly what I was hoping, what I read on the pathology report. It was a grade 1A cancer, the lowest grade possible. It had spread nowhere outside the uterus and this should be the end of it, no need for chemo or radiation.

I will have to go for a gynnie every 3 months for 2 years (well that's fun) and then twice a year for 3 more years. I don't mind the vigilance. I did learn there are sutures (absorbable) in the vagina. I knew there had to be because you can't leave that big of a hole where bacteria can go in and guts can come out. That said I haven't been brave enough to research HOW they close off the vagina. I am curious but I'm working up to seeing how that works to make the vaginal cuff.

I forgot to mention that when I drove up last night at 730 3 sheriff's cars left the apartment. I wonder what 'fun' times I missed.

Also during the lab test, this happened I'm pretty impressed with myself. I'd have been MORE impressed if it was all on one story.

Oh I did mention the exhaustion and she's like you just had surgery, what do you expect? Not to fall asleep with soup in my lap.

No fandom anything today. Too late, and I'm too tired.

So it's been a week since the surgery. I think that I'm doing pretty darned well. Honestly the only pain I have is when I have to compress my abdomen (so the bathroom isn't much fun) I'm not particularly tired then again I'm not exactly doing much other than sitting around. (so bored) Making the choice to look at that report helped.

My aunt and uncle came today (dad's side) so I didn't get as much finished as I would have liked. I did however finish my fandomtrumpshate story, the second one. It's much longer than I expected and the ending is...not what I had hoped, not bad just a bit weak. I think it's because I tried to jam two prompts together.

I tackled a writing prompt and I think that story came out well. I also cleaned up a story that I hope to send in after the first. It's a horror story set soon after the Revolutionary War. Finally going to blow the dust of the Slaying in the 80s thing that I wanted to write for nano to finally finish it. Ah well.

How about a little twist on music monday? Every week a new letter represented. You've seen this challenge before. So the group/solo act has to start with the letter of the week and if you want you can borrow this for you blog or drop your music into the comments here. Let's have some fun with this. Share some music with me

Letter I. Let's hit a bunch of stuff in no particular order

I know people love to hate on Imagine Dragons but I enjoy them. Sharing this one just for Lou Diamon Phillips


I really enjoyed INXS


Iron & Wine have interesting stuff


Another track of my youth


Snippet - “I was hoping maybe we could go for some lunch. The diner always has something tasty, certainly better than the swill at the cafeteria.”

“Hard to argue that.” She patted the extended card catalog drawer. “I do have work to do though.”

“Ah, but we need to nourish our bodies as well as our minds,” he said.

She sighed and closed the drawer. As much as she’d like to tell him to piss off, he was still a way in as far as the local magic users were concerned. They still didn’t know everything Robert alluded to and whether or not it was true. “I’ve eaten but I could have coffee I suppose.”

23097 / 25000 words. 92% done!

Now I'm exhausted and extremely nauseated. Naturally because tomorrow I'm supposed to go back to PA. Not if I feel like this. The good news is I finally got through to the doc and he said what I did, slap some steri strips on the incisions. Otherwise they look fine. that's the good news

I got everything graded for the students and set up some more stuff for them (not done yet) but there's more to do

I haven't been able to write much with mom here, might not even get to the original stuff. I actually set my goal at 25K (in spite of what I've been posting here) I will make that I think. I'm sill counting it as a win because god damn I need one this year.

Maybe Nano shutting down the forums and trying to get ahead of all the claims is a step in the right direction. I don't hold out much hopes of it. For any online anything. I'm not sure I believe a safe space exists. I want to but I don't. And that is sad.

I have a hint of good news. There were no cancer cells in the peritoneal lavage they did. However there were acute/chronic inflammatory cells which could indicate there was spread or at least there is a reaction to disease/damage. Still I'm holding out hope.

I'm still playing fandom rec catch up. Here's some of it ( so many )

snippet - “I was so afraid,” he whispered, leaning close. He touched his forehead to hers, struggling to rein in his emotions. “You were hurt and I couldn’t help. I want to learn how to help. I don’t know if my magic can be like a real witch’s wild magic or not but if I can master anything, I want to learn healing so I can protect everyone I care about.”

19909 / 25000 words. 80% done!