cornerofmadness

A day late and still short because I'm trying to finish that damn Soldiers of the Sun edits. I'm done with all but the last chapter and the stuff

silvrethorn sent me. Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about. Writing and confidence. And how it's shaken. Sometimes by the littlest of things.

No my first readers aren't being mean to me (sometimes to the story but it needs it) This comes from that deeply flawed part of me (and I'm sure others). No matter what I've accomplished, I have to get past that part of me that says 'you are not good enough.' I don't have to think hard on where this comes from. My parents are good ones for the most part but they never really did seem to think I can do things. They still act surprised when I'm right about something. I have four different college degrees but they seem surprised i know things. High school further eroded the confidence. College was the only thing to restore it until medical school/residency. House was fun to watch but NOT to work for. And I did. A lot. It will crush your sense of self and confidence so fast you won't know what happened.

So now I have a story that I'm afraid to send in. There are 1001 things wrong with it. I'm sure of that. I'm sure of that Every. Single. Time. I will send it in (which is more than I'm doing for my non-erotica but that is a story for another time).

But it didn't help I wanted this done in January. Worse, yesterday the contract fairy visited everyone. I could have had this in their hands and I could have been started (see I do have some confidence they'll buy it) on the edits. As it is now, it might not be seen until 2016. Wow. Sigh.

Worse, I did put Kept Tears in for the Rainbow Awards. I don't expect to win but they do have 'honorable mentions' for ones judges like. They're not done yet but so far, I haven't gotten one. Fair enough. I can live with that except some truly BAD stories have. I mean ones I've read that I had to almost lie to say good things about because they're from my publishing house and Jana has these people friended. I'm like wow, what am I doing wrong that they get this and yet I'm ignored.

Same with a few really crappy books getting turned into audios which only happens with best sellers. Yes that's just me being jealous but again it is amazing how that undermines you a little, realizing you barely made back the advance (which I am NOT taking next time if I sell another novel because I can't keep it straight. I feel like I paid into it more than I got at this point) and pure crap is being eaten up. I wonder what they're doing I'm not. Well some of them are high volume authors. Sigh.

If I knew how to have more confidence, I would offer up advice. I'm running on empty. All I have is whining and you're probably sick of that.

No word count today. I've hardly done anything so...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to

peppaminty &

yuukihikari. Hope it was a great day.

And how about some links Oh Arizona, you’re making Appalachia look good and this one is sweet People with understanding and big hearts

I won 2 books on Goodreads Giveaways. Yay!

declutter day 265 item tossed-My Freshman Year why kept-Had to read for faculty improvement why tossed -Boring waste of my time.