Sad little string of lights

[cornerofmadness]

That sums up my life. Some days I'm optimistic about the stupidest thing like the aforementioned lights. They're on a solar panel but it's been SO rainy this December that they never turn on for more than 40 minutes around 5 o'clock.

Today has been a bad day. I'm pretty sure some of my friends on FB were worried I might do something bad to myself.

It crossed my mind.

I hate being off work and alone. This always happens. If I'm not busy the depression has time to work on me. It looks like hell in here and my half hearted cleaning attempts have only served to highlight the chaos. I'm sick. I'm tired.

And my brother who had been told for years he has ulcerative colitis and lost his colon about four years ago has been having a flair up. Now they're sure it's Chron's (which is what we've been saying for years since our cousins have it). That is depressing. Mom said it's like her and dad are in better shape than either of us. Of course he'll get sympathy (which he deserves) but no one will say that tobacco use of yours is contributing to this problem (even though it is). On the other hand, my diabetes will be my fault (and my brother will say this too because every problem with my body is MY fault) even though Dad is diabetic too and he's NOT fat.

Mom knows I hate prejudice girl and hateful husband but she made sure to invite them AND invite my brother on the same day as if to be sure I don't leave when they come. I'm hoping he says no.

I've lost my holiday spirit a decade ago. At first I thought it was Florida causing it with all its summer-like heat. Or maybe because I'm getting older with no kids to keep it fresh. But I hate it more every year and feel guilty because Mom and my SiL love it so much.

The depression was speeded along today when I noticed a review for Soldiers of the Sun. Yes, you're NOT supposed to read reviews but I did peek. It's for one of the biggest reviewers for this genre. And while giving it 3 out of 5 stars, the opening lines were about how horrible it was to have to read all three books in the series because she had to do the review. oh thanks. Just thanks. I didn't read the review. That was bad enough. I officially now am sorry I ever published this book.

I'm not alone in those feelings. J.J. Abrahms said much the same about the last Star Trek movie today. He still thinks it had good parts (as do I about my own work) but he regrets a lot of it.

I'm so sad and hopeless I don't even care I'm not going to see Star Wars tonight.

And on top of this I HAVE to edit my still fucking titleless Deadwood story which is great fun when your in this mind set and thinking why the fuck do I even try?

And I didn't realize that basically parcel post is dead and that the post office just tacked on 50$ to my holiday costs trying to mail 5 packages and three out of country cards (so apparently Canada is no longer cheaper than Europe). The very uncharitable side of me says everyone on my author's list who said 'physical cards only' had DAMN well better mail me one. Yeah, I know. Bitch.

At least Big Bang Theory was cute with the exception of the predictable Star Wars bashing/disinterest from Bernie and Penny.

I keep looking at the Maeshowe neolithic site I posted last night. Not much to see. Fog hangs over the structure all day.

I tried to make some comfort food, oatmeal, after toasting the damn stuff and simmering it, I went out to see it completely covered in some kind of neon green slime. Threw it out. No idea what that is. I thought 'maybe soap residue' but my soap is clear.... This day blows (mom's cookies all went sideways too. I told her, no damn cookies. just say screw them. Have a pie)

Comments

[ladystarlightsj.livejournal.com]

Don't know what else to say, but I hear you and sympathize.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your day really sucked.

I wish there was more I could say about it. There was something I could do more to help out.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks.

I appreciate the thought. You'll notice on Jana's FB outside of the three people who know her no one cares

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you

[tinhutlady.livejournal.com]

Wish there was something I could say or do. Will send all the positive mental vibes your way I can. Not sure if you've thought of it, but I'm trying to use different lightbulbs/light therapy to see if that helps me stay on a more even keel through the winter.

[rahirah]

Sorry things are sucky right now, and I hope they improve fast. :(

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks, well the good news is I will only need one surgery in 2016 (that I know of) and not two. He thinks my hip can be helped with steriod injections and PT

[kiramaru7.livejournal.com]

*HUGGLES*

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks very much

Actually the low light makes me happy. It's summer when I had SAD

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you

[tinhutlady.livejournal.com]

Huh. I'm the opposite then.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Most people are. Until about 2-3 years ago they thought I was the crazy one (and like 3 people here in my writing group are the same as me. It was like a miracle finding them) and that's about when they realized there is a small segment who are wired differently. Unsurprisingly we like grey days and winter.

[kiramaru7.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :D

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Sigh.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

a couple were more concerned today over my broken bottom

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I'm sure.