Why bother with hopes and dreams?

They never work out for me. I was crushed this morning when I saw that Indiana University of Pennsylvania hadn't even bothered to interview me. In fact they emailed me that fact twice to be sure I got their utter rejection of me. Just like Gettysburg. I called mom to tell her that news and I could hear how disappointed she was. I'm sure they had hundreds of applications, she said (true most likely) I had students in the room studying so I couldn't them see how upset I was.

I wasn't even worth interviewing to see if I might be good enough for them.

I had to go teach thinking that and of course today is the day the dean evaluated my teaching.

Once I got out of class I saw a notice from the Dean of Nursing and IUP that her letter of recommendation finally got there. I wanted that one because a) we're friends b) she's a DEAN c) it shows interdepartmental teaching and cooperation which is big (in fact was one of the demands of IUP). She was gone for two weeks then last week had lost the URL and spoke to IUP to get it...and then never did it. Without that recommendation I couldn't be considered for the position. She sent it too late almost a month after it was due in.

Now I feel not better because it wasn't me they rejected per se but in fact I feel worse because now they think I couldn't even find three people to vouch for me. And that I never even GOT my shot because she dragged her heels. I know deans are super busy but a month? (and I will remember this whenever a student asks me for a letter). I can't SAY anything to her because I know it wasn't done on purpose and I might need her help.

That doesn't make me feel less devestated. This was a perfect job, close to home, human cadavers, grad school. And because of that missing letter, I never got my chance to even try and impress them. I'm under no illusions that they'll read the dean's letter and change their minds about giving me an interview.

I cried all the way home. I wasn't going to my write in then decided I needed out of my head. I ordered The Skeletonwitch (Our Venetian Thin Crust, topped with our Secret Marinara Sauce, a Half pound of our our Mozzarella/Provolone blend and Asiago cheese, Genoa Salami, Classically spiced Pepperoni, Dollops of creamy Ricotta Cheese, sweet Pineapple chunks and finished with swirls of our Spicy Ninja sauce) from Avalanche Pizza to insure I'd drive out there.

I got a 6 pack of beer from the Kroger's (not to drink tonight and how could I resist a chocolate peanut butter porter called Dear Sweet Jesus?) and sat in the Tim Horton's parking lot eating that pizza which might be even more damn delicious than it sounds. I could have eaten the whole thing if I tried. Also at Avalanche a young African American girl was so excited by my FMA shirt and I was excited by her hair which was in braids and in an ombre from her natural color to snow white.

When I went into the Tim Horton's katimac8 and Laurel took one look at me and said 'what's wrong? you look awful!'

Yeah because yesterday they tell me I might need a cane and hip surgery and today my dream job passes me by without even giving me a chance. I feel fucking fantastic.

At least I could write tonight (Word wars work so well for me) I got @2500 words tonight

Nano Snippet “Wait? I'm a birthday present?” Kaleo winced hearing the disgust and fury in his tone. He had to remember his fate was bound up in this man. He couldn't afford to lose Shyroth's patience with him.

The pain in those blue eyes deepened. “I'm afraid so. I just turned thirty.”

“And is that bad in your perfect society?” There went his mouth again, ahead of his fucking brain.

Shyroth laughed, not seeming overly offended. “Not really. No, you see Pherick has been worried some time about me being alone. It's been nearly two years since I threw my lover out. He was jealous of everything, especially of my time and my friends. I work a lot, maybe too much. Leseron hated that. Personally, I was content.” He stopped, his brow beetling. “No, I wasn't totally content, but I would much rather have chosen a man myself.”

“Is that why you don't want me? I'm all wrong for you.” Kaleo wondered if he'd be given to the servants to play with. He had taken an instant dislike to Grimoald, and would hate to have to go to his knees for that man.