cornerofmadness

I said when I turned 50 I'd talk about this whole aging thing. More than 6 months later I still can't face it and that there is part of it.I hate all the things that come with aging and at the same time I know I am LUCKY to be this old. Not everyone gets to get old and that there is something to be said about beating the odds. I had friends who died in high school for example. They would have loved to have these years and all that goes with it.

But in so many ways I AM struggling with this. Forty didn't bother me. Fifty has made me a little crazy (granted some of that can be the perimenopause crap which literally affects brain chemistry) And in many ways, while I still haven't reviewed THe Last Jedi my deepest sadness about the movie wasn't the fact that Poe was a complete moron in this (not to mention seemed incapable of believing women knew what they were doing), the whole Rey/Ren Force "Facetime" crap or even that so many fans seem incapable of seeing a female prodigy (If 9 year old Anakin has more of the Force than anyone ever, that's fine, he's a man. If Rey can move some freaking rocks she's a Mary Sue? And they wonder why women can never catch a break). No, for me the sadness wasn't just knowing that this was the last time I will ever see my Princess again (but that was a huge part of it. I hope Leia is just sent off on a mission and not her being dead too in the last movie)

No, the part that made me sad was the little things, seeing how wrinkled Luke and Leia's hands were and seeing the wrinkles forming in my own, looking at Skelling Michael (the setting for Luke's weird Jedi monastery and knowing that it was on my bucket list (though I don't think you CAN go there any more) and knowing my health is so bad now I could never climb it, or Machu Pichu or a lot of my other bucket list place.

This aging thing is for the birds. My arthritis is getting worse. My muscles are weakening. My teeth are breaking. My eye sight is failing and my memory is too. Some of this is treatable. I could SHOULD exercise more. I really wish I had a good gym here and a buddy to go with me.

Tonight's X-Files complicated these feelings when Dana and Fox are in bed and talking about wanting more kids but 'being at the end of that journey.' As am I. I did not make it through that without misting up. I never wanted kids until I hit about 40. I've never been in a position where having kids would have been wise. I NEVER thought I would regret not having kids but I do. Deeply. If you told me that ten years ago I would have laugh at you. Now at the end, this regret will be with me for life. Yes I could adopt and if I didn't have a fuck ton of student loans and a job that pays shit I would. I'm still thinking about fostering but I'd need a house for that. this place is inadequate. Then again my life style is inadequate.

Maybe if I were still seeing patients and doing well, this might have hit me less hard. I feel like a failure. I've lost the job I wanted since childhood. While teaching is fine and I'm good at it, it's not my dream. It died. Writing is the other dream but it feels half realized and like the rest of it will never happen. I'm just not where I thought I'd be at 50. Life is unpredictable for sure but it shouldn't be this wildly off.

Then comes the more morbid part of getting older. If you're lucky like me (and I AM lucky) and your parents are still alive, then you have all the thoughts and worries about are they okay? Are they safe? You have to watch them decline as well. Then you worry about senior living, assisted living etc. How do you pick a good one? When is it time? Packing up all the belongings, selling the house etc. And then it gets even deeper and worse, what about when I need senior living? Now I'm alone (not that having kids would mean they'd help, they could be part of the problem just as easily.) Who is going to be my advocate? A couple older friends on FB mentioned that something new is in the works, senior communes. Basically you have apartments and together hire one or two nurses/aides to help out and it's so much cheaper than assisted living. I like that idea.

Then I think, do I even buy a house at this late date? Do I REALLY want that responsibility? I hate this apartment. I'm TIRED of apartments. Renting a house, however, is a much as buying one and frankly I've yet to meet a landlord that did much of anything.

So there, that's my post about turning 50. It's not happy but it's real.