Fic - CATalyst

[cornerofmadness]

Title -- CATalyst
Author-- cornerofmadness
Disclaimer -- Joss Whedon owns all
Rating -- PG 13
Characters/Pairing -- Connor, Giles, Buffy, Angel & Gunn
Timeline/Spoilers -- Post series AR
Word Count --
Warning -- angst
Summary -- Connor is upset seeing a family quickly dismantling their mother’s life after she passes.

Author’s Note One -- This was written for the monthly challenge at Sunnydale scribe for the prompt family. This turned out longer than anticipate and the title just wouldn’t work for me. I felt spoiled for choice in this fandom for the prompt of family since so many had issues with theirs.

Author’s Note TwoThis is set in my Hyperion’s Son universe. You don’t need to read that one to enjoy this (But if you want to you can find it here) All you need to know is most of the Scoobies living in L.A. where Buffy and company run a Slayer school and Angel’s crew is still alive (notable differences, Wes wasn’t killed, Fred never became Illyria and Spike came back to life alive and is in Cleveland with Wes and Faith). The Origin episode didn’t happen but the spell on Connor leaked leaving him thinking he was schizophrenic and self-medicating with Heroin. And yes I changed the title




There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more . . . secure.” ― Jim Butcher, Vignette

Chapter Ones – Giles

Giles gently pushed Connor along through Nigella Endicott’s modest home to the library, dismayed by the proceedings taking place around him. Connor seemed paralyzed by it.

“I don’t understand any of this,” Connor hissed.

He studied the young man briefly. He’d gotten to know Connor fairly well over the last three months as Giles’s partner, Lorelei, a Watcher psychiatrist, cared for him while Connor struggled with his heroin addiction. Giles admitted to openly studying Connor because what Watcher worth his salt could resist the temptation of the child of two vampires? Even Nigella, long retired, was fascinated. He knew Connor, in spite of his literally hellacious upbringing, had a head crammed full of basic knowledge so he obviously understood the packing up of someone’s home after they had passed. Granted, neither of them had known Nigella had finally succumbed to breast cancer until they showed up for their bi-weekly perusal of her old texts. Well, he perused while Connor played with her cat. Giles was on glorified babysitting duty. Some days Connor would help him but on bad mental health days, he’d spend the hour tossing toys to Nigella’s enormous feline, which frankly always put him in a better mood so Giles never complained.

“What don’t you understand?”

"Nigella's been dead less than three days, and they're already boxing up her stuff and putting price tags on things," he whispered, his voice tight. "She was their mother!"

Ah, that was it. Angel had told him what family meant to Connor, a near mythical beast of perfect happiness. Giles didn't need Lorelei to explain that one. Giles had always thought the pressures put on him by his father had been unbearable. Connor had been abused, gaslighted and ultimately abandoned by three different fathers who had unrealistic or even cruel expectations of him. Certainly, being thrown in with their merry band of Watchers, Slayers and friends, one giant found-family unit, helped but things were still too new, too fresh from the breaking of the spell Angel had cast upon his son for Connor to truly embrace that. "People grieve differently," he replied diplomatically, "Though it does seem a bit rushed. They knew Nigella was sick."

Connor grunted. He understood just fine. Giles realized he simply, obviously, didn't like that understanding. "Sucks."

"Everything about cancer does. At least, Nigella had lived a nice long life." That was true. She was ninety-nine years old, hoping to make the century mark.

Before Connor could reply Nigella's daughter, Dianna, stepped out of the library. "Glad you're here, Mr. Giles. Mother wanted you to have her library. We were going to call you so it's lucky you showed up today."

"You have our sympathies, Dianna. We didn't see the obituary or we wouldn't have called unannounced."

She shrugged. "It's your normal meeting day, right? It's fine. Can you put them all in your car now? We want to get the house on the market as soon as possible."

Giles blinked. Next to him Connor stiffened, and Giles put a hand on his shoulder hoping to calm him. Lorelei, with Connor's permission, had explained her diagnosis of PTSD and borderline personality disorder to their group. Really, it had been too much to hope that it merely the leaking spell that had made Connor think he was schizophrenic. Growing up as he did had scarred his psyche. Giles knew that borderlines literally drew lines us versus them in their minds, and he could tell which side Dianna just crossed into.

"I'm not sure we can fit it all in in one trip," he replied.

"No worries. My brother and I will be here for the next few days boxing everything up. You can come back."

He nodded. "I can, and I'll bring my friends if that's okay."

"Yes, please. We could use the help. Neither Clive nor I are Watchers. If there's anything else in this house that is Watcher related you can have it."

"Thank you. Let me put a call in to them now," he said.

Dianna left them alone in the library with the boxes they already had in there. He called Dawn, Willow and Xander to come assist him. Buffy would be at the school, and Angel would be hiding from the sun either at home or behind necro-tempered glass at Wolfram and Hart.

Connor remained eerily quiet as he boxed things up. Giles hoped he wouldn't have to call in Buffy to deal with him. He and Willow should be able to come up with a binding spell should there be an incident. He texted her to tell her she might want to bring some meds for Connor just in case. He wished Nigella's daughter, Emma, was here. She had been the Watcher in the family along with her two kids, all of whom had perished when the Watcher complex was destroyed.

Connor boxed and carried without a word, almost forgetting he couldn't carry out three boxes at once. Usually he had a good handle on not calling attention to his non-human strength. He stopped every time to pet the cat who watched the proceedings with interest, half the time getting into the boxes.

"It's full," he said after the third trip. By that time Xander and Dawn had arrived. Willow was still en route.

"You're quick," Dianna said, having returned to see how they were coming along. "I appreciate the help more than you know."

"I think Connor and I will head back with this load," Giles said, deciding he'd set Connor to unpacking it in their library and putting them in piles according to language. He didn't think it was in Connor's best interest to stay.

"Who's taking Charles?" Connor asked, scratching the cat behind the ears.

Dianna's brow wrinkled. "He's going to a shelter."

Connor's eyes went acetylene torch hot and Giles braced himself for the brewing onslaught. Dawn set her books aside, hurrying over to take his hand. She could calm him like no one else. "But your mother loved Charles! You can't just put him in the shelter. He'll die."

"Clive's allergic, and I hate cats. He'll be fine," she waved him off.

Connor pulled free of Dawn, tromping over to Dianna. "Do you have a garbage bag?"

"Hmm? I'm sure we do. Why?"

He stalked to the corner of the library and picked up a scratching post. "I'm taking Charles with me," he growled then took a deep breath and added more calmly, “I'll take all his stuff too that way you don't have to worry about finding a shelter and paying them to take him. I'll give him a good home."

Giles knew he shouldn’t have been surprised. This was a man who, while grievously injured after a demon attack had paused to save his cat, Ratter, so the demon wouldn’t get her. Connor had done things he didn’t want to talk much about in order to feed the half dozen runaways he had cared for. Connor wanted to help but he didn’t always seem to know the best way to go about it. Giles chalked that up to being raised in hell.

Dianna smiled. "Fine by me, let me go get his harness and his box."

Dawn helped Connor gather up everything while Giles kept working with Xander to box up more books. There ended up being no room in the car for the box so Connor volunteered to hold Charles in his lap instead of making the cat wait. Giles tried to make him let Dawn take the cat since the box was now in her car but Connor wouldn't let him go. Giles decided to let him be. Angel wasn't kidding when he said his kid was stubborn as hell.

"I didn't get to mourn my father long," Connor said once they were underway startling Giles.

It took him a moment to realize he meant Holtz. "I'm sorry."

"I wanted to but they all wanted me to forget him," Connor said bitterly.

"They did seem a bit short sighted on that end. They should have realized that he wasn't a kidnapper to you," Giles replied, honestly believing that Angel and his friends had done a lot of damage in that regard. They had been blinded by their own pain.

Connor nodded, burying his face in Charles' long smoky gray and black fur. It was so thick Connor’s features all but disappeared from view.

"Connor, are you all right?"

"Not really. I want to medicate so bad right now." He lifted his face, wet streaks gracing his cheeks. "I won't, but I'm not going to lie. I want to."

Giles knew he meant take heroin and not the prescribed medications Lorelei had him on. "I'm sure you do."

"I'll behave," he promised. Giles wondered if he'd make the same promise if his actual father was the one behind the wheel. Connor got along with him much better than he did Angel. "It's like they forgot her already. They don't even care about poor Charles, and he has to be missing his mommy." His voice waivered and nearly broke.

"I don’t have to tell you not every family is a good one, Connor. You saw that with your street kids. That’s why you fought so hard to keep Niklas with us."

"I'm thankful every day you and Lorelei took him in."

"I know."

He hugged Charles harder, and the cat's purring nearly drowned out the radio. "Why are people so damn shitty?"

"Oh, Connor, if there was an answer to that, this world would be such a nicer place."

"Yeah."

He settled back down into his sullen silence. Giles goosed the gas pedal, thinking Connor needed to be home so he could relax.

Chapter Two

Connor carried Charles in first with the promise of helping Giles once he had the cat locked in a room. To his surprise, Buffy, Angel and Gunn were in the lobby. Niklas probably had Joshua upstairs babysitting him for Gunn. "Oh, you're here."

"Gunn and I just got back. Buffy and I are waiting for the sun to go down. I promised to take her out," Angel replied, his eyes on the fluffy bundle in Connor's arms. "What the hell is that?"

"It's Nigella's cat. Nigella died," Connor said, still angry at her family. "Her daughter was just going to put him in a shelter. Nigella loved him, and I couldn't let that happen."

"Are you sure it's a cat?" Buffy asked dubiously.

Connor set him down, holding onto his leash. Charles shook himself out, plodding over on his huge feet to inspect Buffy.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's a cat sidhe!" Angel laughed. "My god, that's a big cat."

"I'm going with demon masquerading as a cat," Gunn grinned.

"Nigella said he weighs about elven kilograms and is a hundred and two centimeters long," Giles replied.

"To paraphrase Xander, how big is that in non-Doctor Who terms?" Buffy laughed.

"Twenty-five pounds and about forty inches long so he's just a hair over three feet long," Connor replied, following Charles as he explored. The cat sauntered into the library and up onto a couch. His friends followed, obviously curious about the newcomer to the hotel. "I have a problem. I can't just put him in my suite with Ratter. Dawn said she'd take him until they get adjusted but I forgot my key in her place the other night."

Buffy's eyebrows cocked up at that but Connor was in no mood to enlighten her as to why. It was completely innocent. He'd meant what he'd said when he first went off the drugs. He wanted to get his feet on solid ground before he considered messing himself up with relationships. "I can let you in. Are you sure that thing won't eat my sister?"

"He's a gentle giant. Also, I need to give him a new name."

"Won't that be confusing?" Buffy reached over the back of the couch to pet the cat’s head.

“His name is Charles.”

Gunn snorted. “Yes, change the damn cat’s name. I don’t want to hear you rampaging through the hotel calling my name when you want that hell cat.”

“Ignore him, Charles. I’d never run through the hotel calling Gunn by that name.” Connor kissed the top of the cat’s head. “You’d be better behaved than him anyhow.”

“I’m not so sure of that,” Angel said, eyeing Connor.

Connor cocked up an eye brow at him. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

“Not until the sun sets.” Angel flopped down on the couch next to Charles who didn’t seem to care. “Sit. You look upset.”

He sat mechanically. Connor didn’t really want to talk to Angel about this. He knew he should. Lorelei had been gently pressuring him to start opening up to Angel more. He had almost four months of sobriety under his belt but it always felt like he could shoot up again any second – something he hoped would fade sooner rather than later. Connor worried talking to Angel would only intensify the desire for heroin.

“Connor?”

He canted his gaze up to meet Angel’s. “Hmm?”

“I’ve been talking to you. Are you okay?” Angel couldn’t keep the worry from his tone. That’s when Connor realized Giles was next to his father. Had they been talking? Had he zoned out? He bet Giles had told Angel he’d mentioned medicating, which had that worried expression on Angel’s face.

“No, I’m not,” he admitted. “I just can’t wrap my head around giving so little thought about your own mother that you’re putting price tags on her shit just days after she’s dead.” He buried his fingers in Charles’s lush coat. “I wouldn’t even do that to you.”

“Thanks,” Angel said, drily.

“You know what I mean,” Connor waved him off. “You and I don’t get along much but if you were dust in the wind, I’d still not toss your shit out even if Buffy wasn’t here to stop me. I’d want to go through it with some respect.”

“I appreciate that. Not every family is close,” Angel said. “Not just you and me. I know I don’t have to tell you that. You took care of all those kids when you were squatting. You know how horrible some people’s family lives are.”

Connor sighed. “I know but Nigella was a sweet old lady. I really liked her.”

“And some people are sweet in public and nightmares in private,” Giles said. “I’m not saying Nigella was. As far as I know her kids liked her but they’re also fairly old. They’re in their seventies. They have no need of her stuff, and you don’t know, Connor. They might regret their actions terribly once it really hits them that she’s gone, and they’ve already divested themselves of her belongings.”

“Yeah,” he muttered

Buffy put a hand on his shoulder. “I wish I could say what Dawn and I would do if we got the notice that our father was dead. I mean, he could be for all we know. We haven’t seen him in over a decade. I’m not sure I could face the prospect of digging through his belongings.”

“But Nigella’s kids saw her often. She told me so. I guess…no I know, I have an idealized concept of family. Angel tried, he really did, when he gave me to the Hennessys. That is what I pictured a family should be right up until Dad put my public face and keeping up appearances over supporting me when I hit a mental health crisis. I freaked out worse than this when I saw a family slaughtered by the Beast…” Connor shuddered, hoping to hell it had been the Beast and not Cordelia who had killed them. “I puked. Me, who grew up in hell and had been killing demons since the time I could walk. Someone destroyed a family and it destroyed me.”

Angel grunted, dropping an arm over Connor’s shoulders. He tugged Connor closer to him. Charles sniffed the vampire and to Connor’s surprise, didn’t hiss. A lot of animals hated vampires, could smell the death on them. “I’m not sure I knew that.”

“I wasn’t likely to tell you now was I? The whole family died just so their priestess mother wouldn’t stop the Beast.” Connor rubbed a knuckle into his eyes. “It’s horrible.”

“I knew how you felt about family though but I think you’ve learned something in the intervening years about that,” Angel said. “Blood isn’t always the most important thing.”

Connor wondered if it should be. If you shared blood maybe you shouldn’t be an asshole to each other but he was just as guilty of that as Angel. “No, I know. Buffy might not know what she’d do if something happened to her father but I’m sure she could answer that if something were to happen to Giles.”

“I would be devastated,” Buffy whispered.

Connor nodded, sighing again. “Yeah. Believe me I know. To Angel and Gunn, to Fred when she was with us, Holtz was my kidnapper, and they never saw him as anything else. They tore me between him and Angel.”

“He loved you, maybe not enough to keep him from treating you terribly in the end, but he did. As much as I didn’t want to believe that, I did. He was your father as much as I am, more so really at least then. I should have done better to accept it as hard as it was for me to do so. And believe me it was nearly impossible,” Angel grated out.

Connor put a hand on Angel’s arm. “You tried. Oh, you didn’t try for long but at least you tried to call me Stephen, and you tried maybe just for a day. Do I wish you had done more? Of course, but that’s still more than anyone else had tried to do.”

“Yeah Fred and I…we could have tried harder too,” Gunn admitted. “She loved you when you were a baby, and she was angry just like we all were over him stealing you. We didn’t try to see it from your side. Hell, you were such a strange kid, it creeped us out.”

Connor grunted. “Thanks, but I can see why. I knew nothing of this place. I didn’t want to be here.”

“No, you were more feral than that demon cat you’re holding,” Gunn said. “But you’re part of this family. Josh loves you, you get that right? With Fred gone, it’s been helpful to have you here all day. It gives him someone to talk to when I can’t be here. He doesn’t care there’s no blood shared.”

Connor smiled thinly. “Of my two nephews, he’s much preferred.”

“Given that the other one is Spike, it’s not much of a competition,” Angel said, daring to try and pet Charles. The cat allowed it. “And as much as I hate it, he’s been part of my family for more than a century so I can’t pretend he isn’t. He’s an excellent example of family you can do without some days but there are others when you’re very glad he’s there.”

Connor grinned broadly. “Yes, he’s got the best stories. I like Skyping with him.”

Angel dropped his head back against the couch pillow. “I’m not giving you computer privileges anymore.”

“Fine, Dawn will or Giles or Gunn probably.” Connor slapped Angel’s arm lightly. “You and Buffy know the sun’s down right?”

“Yes, but we’re talking. We don’t have to go out,” Angel said.

Connor shook his head. “No, sir, you go out. You’ve been canceling nights out all over the place between work and taking care of me.”

“You’re my son. You’re the most important thing to me. Buffy understands.”

Buffy leaned against the couch, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I really do. It’s okay, Connor.”

“And I’m fine. I’ve already promised Giles I’ll behave myself. And he’ll probably sic Niklas on me once he’s done with his homework,” Connor said, thinking Niklas, Tin Man, a boy he’d raised for the last four years on the street, now Giles and Lorelei’s foster son, was a perfect example of found family. He’d protect that boy come hell or high water, and he had plenty of experience with hell.

“Connor will be eating with us tonight,” Giles said, surprising Connor. They hadn’t discussed that. He assumed Giles would want to dive headlong into his new books but he had no objections to it. “But I better get back to Nigella’s for one last load before that.”

“See? I’ll be fine. You two go out,” Connor said. “Want me to come back to Nigella’s?”

Giles shook his head. “You get Charles settled in your place if you can.”

“Yeah I’m going to have to get him in there without upsetting Ratter. I guess he’s going to have to go in the bathroom until they're used to each other."

"That ought to be spectacularly bad if I know cats," Gunn said.

"You don't like them much. They can be good, and you should like them given how frightened you are of rats." Connor grinned what he thought of as his 'Angelus’s son' smiles, broad and obviously wicked.

Gunn scowled. "I regret every day that you saw that...incident."

"I don't. I laughed forever about that."

"It did not help when you thought we could cook them for dinner." Gunn shuddered head to toe.

Connor still didn't entirely see the problem with it and until a few months ago he was eating rats along with Niklas and his other kids.

"Hey, Giles, mind if me and Josh join you guys for dinner too." Gunn cast a glance Connor's way, and Connor had no doubt why the offer was made. Gunn was keeping an eye on him too and knew he liked to play video games with Gunn and Fred's young son. Frankly everyone thought it was beneficial for both him and Josh, especially now that Fred was dead.

Connor summoned up a better smile for him this time.

"Absolutely. We'll order in pizza, a few of them between your son's inability to ever be full and Connor's need to gain more weight,” Giles replied.

"I'm doing better," Connor protested. That much was true. He was back into triple digits and not in danger of dying any second like he had been when he first reentered his father's orbit.

"You are but Willow isn't satisfied,” Angel said.

"Are women ever?" Connor grumbled, and Buffy slapped him upside the back of his head.

"Sexist," she said, which was better than their verbal reminders of 'splitting.'

He was surprised none of them had said that to him yet about Nigella and her family. Part of his mental illness - his real one, not the schizophrenia he had been diagnosed courtesy of one leaking memory wipe spell - was that borderline personality disorder lead to black and white thinking. Connor knew he was deeply guilty of that between Holtz's decidedly ‘us versus them’ teachings and his own faulty wiring. He definitely saw Nigella's children as 'them' but since no one had called him on it maybe it wasn't all in his head this time.

"Yeah, obviously but tell me, when was the last time you were satisfied, Buffy?" He shot her a look.

"Last night but you don't want to know about it." She smirked.

Connor shuddered more than Gunn picturing rats. Charles jumped off his lap into Angel's. The cat licked Angel’s chin.

"Son...."

"What? You found a furry friend. How often does that happen?"

"Far less than me satisfying Buffy."

"Please stop talking. Just go out and have....I was going to say have fun but now I just have that image in my head, and I'm not sure there's enough heroin to remove it." Connor buried his face in his hands.

"If there is, invite me," Gunn replied.

"Don't encourage him, Gunn," Angel huffed.

"Seriously go and have fun." Connor let his hands drop. "I'm not fine but I'm also not alone. Pretty soon Dawn and Willow will be here, not to mention Xander and Cordy. I'll have dinner with them. Guaranteed one of the Watchers will say 'research party' and con me into helping put away all these books. I won't have time to sneak out of here and go get some White Boy even if I wanted to, which part of me naturally does. You have my word I won't."

Angel nodded, setting Charles aside. "All right. Let's go, Buffy."

"Are you sure?" She cast a nervous glance Connor's way.

"I'm sure. He's right. He's not alone. If he gets rowdy Giles, Dawn and Willow all know binding spells but I'm not really worried about it. Connor's a lot of things and one of them he's good to his word. It's one of non-aggravating things about him."

Connor beetled his brow. "I don't know if I've just been insulted or complimented."

"Yes." Angel smiled, slipping an arm around Buffy. "We'll probably be back late."

"We might get a patrol in before coming back."

"How is that fun?" Gunn asked.

She shrugged. "I'm a Slayer. We have different ideas of fun."

"Slaying makes me happy," Connor added, not nearly as upset by that as he probably should be. “Even if I begged for a break, Dad, I have to say it’s what I’m made for.”

“I wish it wasn’t but you’re probably right. We’ll take you next time.” Angel said.

“Any time there’s not much chance of romance with you two, thanks.”

His dad snorted and they left. Connor put Charles down and let him explore. At least he felt calmer now and that could only be good. He’d saved a little life. There was probably something to be said about his need to bring home strays be it cats or kids but Connor knew it was probably one of the most worthwhile things he did.

Chapter Three

Angel paused outside of his and Buffy's penthouse suite, hearing a TV on inside. It had been a nice evening. High end shopping for Buffy, high end dinner where they'd ordered two that Buffy liked so he could pick at one and bring it home for her tomorrow. They had patrolled a little, found nothing and it was early enough to get in a movie or binge watch something or just jump into bed for some fun. But now there were sounds coming from the penthouse. "Buffy, you didn't leave the TV on did you?"

She shook her head. "I didn't even have it on."

The door opened without him needing the key. She shrugged and they went in, not particularly worried. It wasn't likely anyone could break in. Angel suspected who the intruder was before he walked in.

Connor slept on the couch with his enormous new cat asleep on his chest. The TV was turned to BBCAmerica.

"Told you it was a cat sidhe and now it ate his soul." Angel sighed, wagging his head.

"Is he dead?" Buffy grinned.

"Probably with his chest caved in." Angel didn't need to ask why Connor was here. He hadn't wanted to leave him earlier but Connor had been in good hands. Obviously he had wanted to talk and everyone else was busy, which was about the only reason he ever came to Angel's suite. That hurt more than he could tell his son. He hoped once Connor was more stable, more in control of his addiction that things would improve. Lorelei had pointed out it had only been a few months, and Connor's mental scars ran deep. He was happy that Connor turned to him at all.

Buffy put a hand on Angel's shoulders. "It's okay. I'll put the dinner in the fridge and go change into something more comfortable. You two talk."

He leaned over and kissed her. "Thanks." Angel sat in the chair next to the couch out of range in case Connor woke up swinging because he's already been punched a few times in past incidents when Connor was having night terrors in spite of the anti-demon violence spell, which seemed to have trouble detecting a sleeping mind. His son didn't rest easy, something else he hoped would get better with time.

"Connor," he called.

Connor jerked, muttering something, maybe talking to whoever he'd been dreaming about. He rubbed his face then pushed at the cat who didn’t budge. "Sorry. Didn't mean to fall asleep. I didn't want to disturb your night out."

Angel waved him off. “It’s all right. You got spun today by what happened at Nigella's, more than you pretended earlier."

"More than I knew earlier," he argued and Angel raised his hand. "I didn't want to bug Giles once he went up to his place and Niklas needs his sleep too." Connor struggled to sit up. He finally spilled the cat into his lap. "Gunn has enough to do with Josh. Dawn went out and Willow had a date."

He didn't have to say that he'd never volunteer to talk to Cordy or Xander. Angel nodded. "It's fine, Connor. I'm glad you're here. What can I do for you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to put that on anyone. It's my damage."

"And I'm your father. I can help you carry the burden, Connor. I want to." He did. He just wasn't sure he knew how. He had made many mistakes as a father, and Connor wasn't exactly an easy son. They still inflicted damage on each other, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes on purpose. It might never be a Hallmark relationship. Besides, that idea put him in mind of what Jasmine had twisted their relationship into and Angel wanted no reminders of it.

Connor looked away. "I don't think you can." He sighed, then tapped the cat’s head. "I hope he didn't mess up anything when I fell asleep. I didn't mean to or I would have left him in Dawn’s place."

"It's fine. I don't see any damage or smell anything I shouldn't."

Connor smiled wanly, as thin as a hospital mattress. "I know it probably isn't true but it seemed like they couldn't get rid of their mom fast enough. Then I thought, it didn't seem like my fathers were much different. They got rid of me fast."

Angel kept his face blank but he felt the knife wound of those words. He wished Buffy would hurry and change. He didn't know if Connor would still talk if she were here but he could use the emotional support. Talking to Connor could spin him as badly as Connor had been knock off kilter. "I don't..."

"Holtz told me to leave within a day of being here," Connor said ignoring Angel's interruption. "Told me I belonged with you. That was not what we had ever talked about, not once. I never had planned to live with you. I was going to kill you and go home or at least go with Father to Utah. In retrospect, I doubt I wouldn’t have liked Utah."

"You know why he did that, at least I think you understand it now." Angel wasn't sure of that. Connor didn't like to think badly of Holtz, and Angel tried not to blame him. The man had been his father through all the important years. On the other hand, the broken accusations of 'you let him get me' was never far from Angel's heart.

"He wanted to ensure I was going to kill you one way or the other. That meant more to him than I did and it shouldn't have," Connor replied, bitter still.

"He was a broken man, Connor, and that is on me." Angel rapped his knuckles against his chest.

"I know it is. You threw me out twice before the spell. Once because I deserved it. Once because you were jealous of me and Cordy. You shouldn't have done that."

The flatness of Connor's tone sent a nervous shiver up Angel's spine. He might have to call and disturb Lorelei and Giles after all. The psychiatrist would want to intervene if Connor was going off the rails again. He'd had a few mental health crises since he'd moved back into the hotel, and Angel could see him teetering on the edge again.

"No, I shouldn't," Angel admitted because he knew Connor needed to hear that, no matter how the truth sliced deep. "I can't ever be sorry enough for that, Connor."

Connor nodded, hugging the cat tighter. It squirmed free but only moved to the couch next to Connor. Normally Angel would protest cat claws on his good leather but now was so not the time. He heard Buffy in the entrance way between the back hall and the living room, hesitating there as if unsure if she should join them.

"Dad Number Three put my job over my mental health."

"And he shouldn't have done that either. I wish that none of these things had happened to you. I wish that this thing with Nigella hadn't dredged it all up."

"It's never far from my mind." Connor looked over at him. "Can I have some scotch, Angel?"

Angel nodded, getting up. Lorelei said a little alcohol - well supervised - should be okay. Connor accepted he wasn't entirely trusted to control himself with it even though that wasn't his addiction. He poured two glasses, one for himself and one for Connor. "Do you want Buffy to join us or she can stay in the back room?"

Connor glanced over his shoulder. "I don't mind one way or the other. I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to hear this, Buffy."

"If I can help, I'd like to," she said, coming into the room and sitting on the love seat.

"It's not something really anyone could help with. It's all facts, not my perception of them." Connor sipped the scotch. "Thank you."

"Thank you for not helping yourself. It's hard watching you go through all this, Connor. I would hate to see another addiction rear its head." Angel wanted to hug him, but suspected Connor would react much like the cat, with much squirming and fussing.

Connor scowled. "I'm doing okay with all that, I think."

"You're doing fantastic." This time Angel sat next to his son. "I just want to see that continue. I'm proud of you."

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say since tears popped into Connor's eyes. He wiped at them absently.

"But I wish all this wasn't just there in the forefront of your brain. I wish I could give you other things to think about," Angel said.

"You can. Tell me about our family, tell me something good," Connor begged.

Angel balked. Could he even do that?

"Tell me something about my mother Holtz wouldn't know, that wouldn't be scrawled in a Watcher's diary.” Connor reached out to Angel, then cast a glance to the side, “unless Buffy doesn't want to hear about Darla."

Buffy shook her head. "It's fine, Connor. She's your mother, and you deserve to know there had to be more to her than the evil the demon inside her did."

"Thanks Buffy," Connor mumbled.

Angel sipped the scotch, thinking. "Your mother liked to read and liked poetry. She's the one who got me into both."

"Really?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.

He nodded. "I could read, of course, being a bit on the upper-class side of things but I didn't because..." Angel wrinkled his nose. "I was a lazy lay about. Darla probably couldn't read until the Master taught her. He was an ancient vampire who turned her," he added for Connor's sake.

"Is that why you programmed me to be a reader?" Connor asked, stroking his new cat almost mechanically.

Angel fought back a scowl. He hated the word programmed but it was accurate. "Readers have advantages. I wanted you to have as many of those as you could have." He braced himself for a snarky reply to that He knew Connor blamed him for not keeping him with him and blamed everyone including himself for everything going so badly.

"Not complaining. I like that one." Connor smiled thinly.

"Good," Angel said, glad also Connor didn't bring up the fact that he had stocked Connor’s room with books without even asking if Holtz had taught him to read when Connor originally arrived. "She also got me into ballet."

A huge smile, the wicked one, slithered across Connor's face. "You like ballet? I cannot picture that."

"It's true. I do. I think I've even gotten Buffy into now."

"Surprisingly so," she replied.

Connor’s grin grew larger and somehow more disturbing. “Do you just watch or do you dance because I can’t picture you wearing-”

“No!” Angel barked. “Hell no. I’m the worst dancer ever.”

”Sadly true,” Buffy added.

“That’s good because the image of you in dance tights broke my brain.”

Buffy laughed. “Seriously.”

Angel scowled. “No dancing. I do like skating though. I’m good on skates. Love hockey.”

“Somehow can’t picture that either.”
"It’s true! Let's see, your mom liked to travel which is how she got me. I know we've talked about that but it was more about how we moved around so we wouldn't get caught. Darla enjoyed exploring a new place, learning about the people and not just in a predator learning their prey sort of way. She had a curious mind. It was a shame she was born in a time when women weren't allowed to be curious or intelligent."

"That is a shame. I'm surer than ever that the one visit I had with Mom, as unpleasant as it all was, was real. She was nothing like I expected based on Holtz's stories." Connor scowled. "Except when she yelled at me. That anger was what I expected."

"She had a temper, no doubt of it. We both did and you inherited it," Angel said, hoping that didn't trigger Connor’s considerable temper.

Connor merely nodded. "Can't argue that. Got your sanctimonious prick gene too so there's that."


Angel submerged the desire to throttle his child. Buffy snickered softly. "I'm going to let that one go. But I’ll also allow that yes, you have been one a time or two.” Connor glared and Angel moved on. “Let's see, what else? Ah, she enjoyed fashion."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Since Buffy is into it too, I have to say yes, at least for me. Oh, I know, your mother loved games."

“Holtz told me.”

Angel nudged him. “Not those kinds of games, well yes those too but I’m trying to tell you good, things, remember?”

“So what kind of games?”

“She was wicked at Are You There Moriarty, and before you ask it was a game where you blindfolded both of the players and they kneeled. One was given a rolled newspaper and the other would call out to them and they’d have to strike them with the newspaper if they could.”

“So like Marco Polo with more violence?” Buffy asked.

“Exactly. Darla had a set of ears on her even by vampire standards, also she could really hit.” Angel rubbed his arm as if he could still feel the sting of the newspaper. “She and I were both really good at Bubble the Justice which was like a precursor to skee ball. You had to bowl a ball into holes in a wood board and the various holes were worth different points.”

“Note to self, challenge Angel to skee ball,” Connor said.

Angel smirked. “You’re joking but I would actually take you up on that.”

Connor chuckled.

“And your mother would have whipped both our butts. She was good at it. I had other games I’d rather play like hijinks which was the equivalent of quarter bounce. You either rolled a certain number on the dice or were the lowest scorer and you had to drink.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely a you game.” Connor nodded. “I was the best at quarter bounce. After a while, no one wanted to play me.”

Angel patted Connor’s knee. “That’s my boy. I was also very good at mumblety-peg.”

“Oh! I know that one. I played with Holtz a lot.”

“Of course, you did,” Angel grumbled, hating to think what other game he’d have taught Connor.

“Dare I ask?” Buffy reached over to pet the cat.

“It was a knife game.”

“Because that’s what says good games for kids.” She snorted.

“Different times, Buffy. Using a knife well was a matter of daily life.” Angel shrugged. “Oh, nearly forgot your mother and Dru were both shockingly good at Snap Dragon.”

“Again, do we ask?” Buffy smiled.

“You had to pick raisins out of bowl of burning brandy.”

Connor eyed him like he’d grown another head. “You know, Holtz taught me that one too.”

“Not surprised.”

“I thought Father was nuts. He said it made you quick and nimble fingered.”

“Yes. All I can tell you was it’s in Shakespearean plays and was still popular in Victoria’s times. A game your mother hated was mumble the sparrow. For a wicked fiend, she didn’t like hurting animals much.”

“And for a third time,” Buffy started.

“You were blindfolded and had to put your head in a hat and try to bite a live sparrow inside but mostly you got bitten.”

“How was that ever happy fun times?” Connor asked.

“Seriously,” Buffy mumbled.

“I mean I know you didn’t have a PlayStation or anything but bird biting?”

“I don’t know what to tell you. Hurting animals for amusement was big back then. It wasn’t really my thing. Trust me I was just has happy that your mom much preferred playing faro and whist. I love card games.”

Connor snorted. "Thanks, Dad. That’s good. I have a better idea of her now and that helps. We’ll have poker night some time. I've gotten to know my found family pretty well in the last few weeks but I know nothing about my actual family except the worst of it."

"I wish I could tell you more about Darla's family. I don’t know really. She never spoke of it and Angelus couldn't have cared less." Angel splayed his hands. "I don’t' know if she had children. I would have to think she did given her profession. You could have distant family members out there."

"Probably from you too."

Angel winced. "Honestly, not that I know of, at least none that came to me looking for marriage. Granted they might have guessed it wasn't going to work out as they hoped. But it's not impossible. I can tell you about my baby sister next." He would find it hard to talk about Kathleen, but Connor should know what was good and joyous about his aunt. He already knew Angel had cut her life short.

"Save it for another day when I'm down," Connor replied. "I'm feeling a bit better now." He sipped his scotch. "I should let you two have some peace."

"We were just going to watch a movie. You can stay for a little while," Buffy said. "I truly don't mind, Connor. You need help tonight and I'm not turning you out."

Connor smiled. "I appreciate it but I should go. Chewbacca might need his litter box." He stroked the cat’s fur.

"Chewbacca?" Angel cocked up his eyebrows. "That fits."

"I thought so. Thanks again." Connor finished his scotch then scooped up the cat "Have a nice evening."

"You too. If you still can't rest, Connor, come back," Angel said.

"I will."

Angel watched him go carrying a cat half as big as him, happy the crisis was averted. "Thanks for being understanding, Buffy."

She put her arms around him, leaning over the back of the couch. "My pleasure. It feels good to be able to help someone without having to fight for my life to do it. You know he's going to be back at some point with more questions about you and Darla."

"I know. It's all right. It's not always an easy thing to talk about but he deserves the truth even if it's ugly." Angel sighed. "Want to pick out a movie?"

"Of course."

Angel stared at the door his son and the monster cat sidhe had disappeared through, hoping Connor wasn't lying about feeling better. Later, he'd go down to Connor’s suite and check up on him hopefully without waking him up. If he did wake Connor and otherwise irritate him, well that's what fathers were for.