A stark realization

[cornerofmadness]

I really do think I might need to start talking to someone about my mental health. I am being plagued by two anxiety issues. One about traveling. I know when it started (2005) but not why. Even going up to the hotel on Sunday was BIG DEAL. I have no clue why. I love traveling but I'm getting tied up into knots preparing for it.

And I'm learning that I need to buy a house just to have a generator or wood burning stove because depending on electricity for heat in a winter storm is causing me ANXIETY that is unbearable. I have been making myself nuts. Running around the house (almost literally) bursting into tears, packing things (in case I had to leave), writing down numbers of hotels, literally sick to my stomach and my chest is heavy from the anxiety. I edited a project that I have been fucking around with to the point I know I was becoming a problem. I edited 66 pages in a few hours because I was trying not to think about the ice storm. This is not me doing good. This is me manic. This is not healthy.

We did get off half a day today at work. I came home to seriously flooding because it hasn't stopped raining in 36 hours. It's STILL raining but it's almost 11 pm and I still have power (so I guess I am glad I didn't panic and go to a hotel like I almost did at 1 pm) I'm sure most of that rain is now ice. I'm not brave enough to look.

I'm overheating the apartment (so it'll take longer to cool off if I DO lose power) and I'm worried. My heater is struggling. I need to talk to the landlord. My heat pump is 18 years old and my hot water tank is 16. They are probably on their last legs. I even saw some YouTubes (thanks to a friend) about using terra cotta pots and tea lights as a radiant heater to warm a room. I brought some back from the greenhouse. I'm not sure how that's hotter than a candle but it's probably a surface area thing. Then I thought will I get carbon monoxide poisoning from this??

So for all of you who had said some prayers for me and this weather, thank you. I'm still hanging in. I just pray it lasts. I can handle being snowed in. Iced in with no power not so much.

Comments

[alexcat]

We almost always get ice and our power grid sucks here - we have NO way of heating without electricity and I get frantic when ice is coming. I fear being found frozen to death!

[cornerofmadness]

I'm right there with you

[cmk418]

You definitely should talk to your landlord about the heat pump struggling- if it's acting up now, it's probably not going to be any help in the summertime either and 18 years is beyond replacement time. On a quasi-technical note, it probably takes a refrigerant (R-22) that has been phased out and is so difficult to get right now that if your system needs to be charged at all, it'll probably be cheaper to get a new one.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the power is still on for you.

Well...

[dauntless_heart]

We ALL have mental issues since COVID started! So you're not alone. But I think this mindset of thinking about what you need to DO is far healthier than it could be, right? You're super smart, Dana--that can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to anxiety. (hugs)

Re: Well...

[cornerofmadness]

THanks. Covid hasn't helped that's for sure. My PTSD is growing as well.

I do have my meditative and healthier adaptations to this since I've had issues my whole life but last night that was not helpful. (At least I got the editing down since it was embarrassing how late I was)

[cornerofmadness]

I need to send the landlords a note. Also I need to clean up this living room so they can access stuff in that utility closet. That's been part of the issue. I need to wedge out time to tackle part of the place so it doesn't overwhelm me physically and mentally. This heat pump is going to die. It's just a matter of time

[goddess47]

I have no solutions but do offer...

::FIERCE HUG::

We're here if you need us!

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you!