Ficlet - The Twists and Bends of the Subconscious (rough draft)

[cornerofmadness]

The Twists and Bends of the Subconscious
Author – cornerofmadness
Disclaimer – believe me Arakawa doesn’t want this bunny
Rating – PG-13
Time line/Spoilers – no spoilers, just about any time
Characters – Ed, Al, Hohenheim
Summary – Ed couldn’t look away
Word Count – 602
Warnings – crack, seriously.
Author’s Note – I have no idea what evil_little_dog and I were talking about when this bunny bit me. She said you HAVE to do it. So here it is. Happy Birthday evil_little_dog, you asked for it. It’s currently unbetaed since I sent it off at the last minute then decided eh, don’t wait, make the changes when you get them from the betas later.


* * *

Ed wanted to look away but he couldn’t. He was paralyzed, unable to move even his eyelids. Somehow in the back of his head, he knew how this would turn out but sheer horror went with the anticipated outcome. No kid should see his parents like this. Why was he here?

Hohenheim had left his library earlier than expected. There had been barely time for Alphonse and Edward to fall asleep. Of course now Ed wasn’t asleep. He was here, watching his father, not even capable of a whisper to alert the man to his presence. How could the bastard not see him? It wasn’t like Edward was invisible.

Hohenheim had spent an exorbitant amount of time in the bathroom. Thankfully the shower had been too foggy to see much but his father had spent what seemed like forever brushing out his hair. He didn’t tie it back this time. Hohenheim shaped up his beard then splashed on some cologne, the stuff Granny Pinako said made him smell like a Creatan whore – not that Ed really understood what she meant but he did know that cologne was a little flowery.

Of course, this much time spent on appearances could only mean one thing: Hohenheim was taking his wife somewhere. Maybe there was a dance down at the city hall or a play. Instead, Ed found himself floating along to the bedroom. No, no, no, this couldn’t be happening. He definitely didn’t want to see this. His brain would break. His eyes wouldn’t shut but Ed knew they would boil in their sockets if made to witness his parents doing that.

His mother was curled up on the bed, completely invisible under a sheet covered with purple flowers. Hohenheim stripped off his shirt then crawled onto the bed. He kissed the sheeted lump’s shoulder. Purple flowers waved as if in a breeze as his mom rolled over. Ed tried to scream when Hohenheim drew down the sheet and instead of Tricia lying on the bed, it was Mustang.

Ed’s eyes flew open as he sat up fast just as his father kissed the bastard. Ed’s forehead struck something, creating an impressive bong. Half-convinced he had just split open his skull, Ed fumbled for his throbbing forehead. “Ouch.”

“Brother, are you all right? You were having such a nightmare.” Al’s gauntlet rested on Ed’s shoulder. “You were screaming. I was trying to wake you up.”

“I think you broke my head,” Ed grumbled then shuddered. “Hell, Al, it was horrible.”

“Did you dream about trying to bring Mom back again?”

Ed sprawled on the bed. “Worse.”

“How could anything be worse?”

“I was following Dad through the house and I couldn’t look away or speak. He was getting ready to go have sex.”

“Ew Ed! Did you dream about Mom and Dad having sex? That’s just wrong!” Al sat back down on his own unneeded bed.

“Worse! I dreamt he was having sex with Mustang.” Ed stuck out his tongue, shuddering all over again.

“Edward! That’s…that’s.” Al flailed.

“I know. I want to go scrub out my brain. That’s it, Al. Don’t let me eat pickled fish and spiced pickled cabbage right before bed again.” Ed made a face.

“Shall I hold you back from the enormous slices of chocolate cake, too?” his brother asked sardonically.

“No, those are still okay. I think the dream means I want those two to go fuck themselves and die.” Ed rolled over, covering back up. “I’m going to try to get back to sleep.”

“Sweet dreams brother.” Al’s tone was a study in sarcasm.

“Oh, shut up.”

Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHA!

yes, yes, I remember this conversation now.

I LOVE IT. IT'S...EVIL.

AND TWISTED.

Poooooooor Ed.

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

do you remember how i started down this road??

Poor Ed. He won't be right for days

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Ummm...I think we were discussing "Ed's Worst Nightmare"....

FOR EVER, YOU MEAN - Ed

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

that could be

every time you look at either of them you'll remember this dream

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

NOOOOOOOO - Ed

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

oh yes

[enemytosleep]

XD

Is it wrong that I'm totally cool with this ida so long as it's younger!Hoho, or at least Hoho dressed like he was for the fall of Xerxes?

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

And is it surprising that I'm not surprised?

What about bishie!Father, you cool with that?

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Father is looking way too good

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Young Hoho never looked quite that good (or buff). I think Father's edited the template to his own specifications a bit. I love how people keep getting him confused with Ed in the trippier panels.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

haha I hadn't realized there was confusion (Father's built better than poor Ed). Yes young Hoho was a bit more willowy for all his slave status (which should have honed his muscles_

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah, poor Ed. I was thinking of the bit in 106 where he fights Pride - when the raw was out, a lot of people seemed to think it was Father v. Pride, and then someone was "no, look, antenna!" XD

True, but I guess he was doing menial cleaning work, not being fed a lot and being a lab rat, rather than heavy lifting? He's kind of wiry like Ling pre-Greed.

Basically, Father is the buffest of the Elrics. At least Al's current worrying status means Ed doesn't get to be the least buff?

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Snort, and Ed takes pride in that antenna

True, he was more of the lab rat than anything else so I guess he was more like veal than a bull

Yes, Father is. wonders how buff hoho has remained.

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Haha at the first two comments. You're very witty today.

I wonder if we will ever find out? Hoho has several issues left to rip his shirt off in order to show he is getting serious. Actually, I think he's about to protect Ed and co from Father's nuke with his Hoho powers. Maybe his shirt will get burnt off? I'm actually not sure why I'm nerding so extensively about this when I'd rather he kept it on.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

snort. I'm feeling good today, pain in my back aside.

yes Hoho does. (I did burn him a tad in one of those upcoming stories so....) hahaha, who knows maybe old hoho is as cute under it as as young one was

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Poor Hoho. Although if you have him surviving the Promised Day he's beating the odds. But the notion of him surviving is interesting fic fodder because he so clearly doesn't expect to.

Maybe he's cute under all that. Who knows. He certainly doesn't seem flabby. All I know is that Ed's better off without the beard.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

certainly he doesn't plan on surviving but several of these were started so long ago we didn't even know that about Hoho. Who knows. he could survive. Would be interesting (and a little sad on his part)

I've seen aged up Ed byArakawa and he gets that horrid beard

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's the saddest thing about him surviving - that it would be a sad outcome for him. Poor Hoho. He really has had a bit of a life. When I hopped over to the manga from anime 1.0 I was pleasantly surprised how much I liked original, manga-flavoured Hoho. He's such a douchebag in the old anime, and he's such a lovely, dorkish sweetheart in the manga. Trisha is way cooler too.

I know, bad beard. Don't cover up that pretty face, Ed!

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

oh no kidding. I hated both Scar and Hoho in the first anime. But in the manga they both evolve and change as characters and both become ultimately fascinating men.

Yeah that beard does Ed no good

[enemytosleep]

No, it's not surprising that you're not surprised. XD

And yes, I am totally cool with that in theory, though he is sort of a creepy jerkwad. But a very hot creepy jerkwad.

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

A very hot creepy jerkwad who looks like the long-lost Elric brother? *flees* At least this would settle the debate about what he's keeping under his toga.

Tangentially, on the subject of hot, creepy jerkwads, how cool was Kimbley's little hat wave? I might icon that.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Kimbley's hat wave was cool. his whole speech was cool

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

And how much he likes the whole Philosopher's Stone deal ... it kind of makes me wish he'd popped up earlier, it would be fun having him antagonise Pride constantly the way Ling does to Greed. Anyway, it was such a graceful way for him to bow out after his super-humiliating demise. With Kimbley I'm always torn - he's such a dick I want him to get his comeuppance, but he's such a cool villain I want him to get a kickass exit. I guess we got both?

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

that would have been cool if Kimbley was there all along. Yes Kimbley's end was a little disappointing until now. i love that he thinks the howl of the voices inside of Pride are fun

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

I love his crazy fun face when he informs Pride of that. "Whee, tortured souls!"

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

that was great

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hahahaha yes it's probably totally wrong (however in another story I DID shave Hoho so he looks a little younger)

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha. Oh dear, Ed. Pickles and chocolate cake before bed? Presumably Al just rolled his eyeholes and let him get on with it. I loved his interpretation of the dream, and Al's snarky lack of sympathy.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah he pretty much downed kimchee and pickled herring before tucking into that cake.

Al's given up on Ed and his eating habits.

Ed the dream interpreter. you almost feel sorry for him.

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

I thought that was kimchi! Mmmm, kimchi.

Given that I teach a course on Freud and cinema (and that I'm a big pervbag), I could TOTALLY come up with some much more disturbing interpretations of that dream for Ed. He's lucky Al has some sense of restraint and kindness and doesn't just aim for maximum Ed squick/flailing.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah I just couldn't really call it kimchi

Oh cool. You get to write the sequel where Al gets his revenge

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

I guess it would have stood out a bit. Mind you, enemytosleep decided that Qiongya (the province I made up for Roy's mum in Notorious) gets to be FMA Korea as well as FMA Fujian and Hainan, because she had Sook Joo, Ling's tiny alt-Korean dominatrix, come from there. I'm tempted to borrow the fanon solely so Central can haz Korean restaurants and young Hughes can try to persuade Roy to use his status as an orphaned fellow countryman to mooch free starters.

Ha ha, I'll add it to the list of bakeoff prompts for when I kick my help_haiti fic into touch. Enemy wants me to set Ling's harem girls on Al.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hey why not. They have to have some kind of 'Xingese' cuisine. It can be a pan-asian blend.

I'm good at sticking Roy's relatives with tea houses

gah my help_haiti fic is moving SO slow. I think it will go up as a wip with chapters. pout.

I'd love to see poor Al beset upon

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

It's a comfort that other people are in the same boat with help_haiti. I know pandoraculpa was saying similar things to me.

I think a lot of people would like to see Al getting jumped by the girls.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i think some of us are getting hung up on the we really want to give ethem a great story because they paid and then we give ourselves anxieties

yes I'm sure of that

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Absolutely, that's pretty much my situation. If it was springkink I would have just bashed something out (as it were), and in fact did. But although I have something close to completion now, I've been rather intimidated by the fact that actual money was paid for this. And I'm playing in another fanfic author's 'verse (a 'verse I like) and really wanted to get the tone and details right, rather than just have my own versions of the characters chatter away being ridiculous like usual.

Anyway, suffice to say if the fic had involved Ling and attempted shenanigans or Roy being bullied by Chris and the girls, it would have been done long ago. Silly is where I live.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

mine is complicated by wanting angst and future fic but not wanting the angst to be about ROy's blindness buthaving had two friends go blind, most of their angst can be traced back to that. I think i've FINALLy figured out what the plot is going to be (since you know simple short introspection didn't seem right when someone paid money)

good luck with yours

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see how that's complicated. I don't know who the prompter is, but at a guess they might be reacting to the flood of angsty melodramatic blind!Roy fic that followed the chapter where he's blinded. Of course, I'm sure anything you did would be rather better than all that (for a start, you could avoid the old "the Gate took my pupils" XD). Glad you've figured out an alternative plot. Writing to prompts is hard when you haven't selected a prompt because it bunnies you.

Yes, you see I'm writing Gracia POV in a 'verse where she tends to be an observer and a facilitator who pushes the action forward for the main characters. It did end up introspectiv-ish, but I tried to shift it towards comedy. I was actually going to ask you if you were up for a quick beta job (it's around the 3000 word mark) - Enemy's having a crazy week and is off this weekend for a big grooming contest. No worries if you're too overloaded with other stuff, of course!

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yes that's very possible (and sort of what I thought too as the reason for the prompt) It is hard to write a prompt you didn't pick but I'm pretty good at it (many of the ones in the Buffyverse were this way)

I could see why you'd be having a little trouble too. I find Gracia difficult to write.

sure send it along I'll look at it

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Random segue: the other day a cook on TV was dissecting a sheep's eye (don't ask) and referred to the lense as the pupil, and it made me fondly remember the whole 'no pupils' debate. I'm looking forward to its resurrection after he is/isn't cured.

Thanks so much! I'll email it along today.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hahahaha no the pupil is a hole people, seriously. and no i don't want to know what they were doing with teh sheep eye on the cooking show.

dude's at best Roy's corneas are clouded but most likely he lost his optic nerve since the gate seems to nip stuff out

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Next time it comes up on the comms I'm just going to link to a Prof Wikipedia diagram of the anatomy of the human eye. Look it up, dudes!

I wondered about the optic nerve, and agree with you that the Gate actively takes parts (and indeed took the eyes of that alchemist in that gaiden). The whole business still seems odd to me because as Ed points out, the Gate is all about 'harsh but fair', and Roy didn't actually do anything. I guess we'll see how it pans out? I hope Riza is going to be pointing Roy at stuff like a cannon next chapter, that would be fun.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yes I hope Riza is too. And yes Roy really shouldn't have been affected but oh well. poor dude

[dreamer1789.livejournal.com]

*rofl* XD Kudos! (*Must stop grinning like a lunatic*) Bonus points for sarcastic!Al. Ed definitely should lay off the chocolate cake though, aphrodisiac much? Though with weird outcome... ^^

Oh, yeah, love the Creatan whore cologne comment too. ;)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. Yes Ed needs to lay off eating before bed.
I love making Al a touch sarcastic

(My aunt was just whining about my uncle's cologne smelling like a French whore so...)

Oh this ws good!

[littlechemist01.livejournal.com]

I have eaten strange things to before bed abd they don't always make the best dreams I feel you Edward!

Re: Oh this ws good!

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

ha. poor Ed

[ishte.livejournal.com]

ZOmg this was terrible! In a very awesome way! haha! Poor Ed. What a nightmare.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I know. poor poor Ed.

thanks