thinky thoughts

[cornerofmadness]

First off, happy Beltane to all my friends who believe.



Last night I attended the retirement party for the creative writing prof (she taught the vampire class I took and asked me to come) and the history prof. I've been friends with both ladies for years now. One is staying local. The other is already completely moved to Columbus. My math friend retired 2 years ago and moved to Missouri and another English prof friend probably only has a couple years and she has no intentions of staying here.

I'm getting older. This is never an easy thing but at the same time it's interesting. I'm about to lose a lot of friends. Some will stay in touch. I know from experience others won't. That's how this works. But also, I'm losing family members and I'm losing the sense of self I once had. I'm at that age where you sit back and think, how did I get here? What happened to my dreams? Have I accomplished anything I set out to do? I can at least say yes I did, but I have no idea how I got here and too many dreams died an early death.

In 20 years I'll be in these women's shoes. Some will say that's so far away. 21 years ago I graduated medical school. It feels like yesterday. You blink your eyes, and it's gone. Blink. I'm retirement age. Just a few years ago that seemed like a life time away. Now it's right there in my face. LIke one of the professors, I regret not having kids (some days, not always). One of the speakers told her that all the students' lives she touched are her children. It is a nice sentiment.

And in the getting old department, I got my MRI. I've torn my glenohumoral ligament which stabilizes the shoulder. I have a partial tear of the infraspinatus muscle and damage to the articular cartilage. I'm a bit worried. ligaments are avascular to a high degree and not easily (if at all) fixable. The partial tear might heal. I'm losing mobility of the arm. I talked to my brother the physical therapist about this. he's never seen a ligament repair so I might have to use muscle alone to stabilize the joint like I do in my knee (I blew the ligaments there as a kid). It might be no surgery at all or massive surgery. I need to go back in and see him. I'm not happy.

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Comments

[rahirah]

I've been having lots of gloomy mortality thoughts lately. I don't like it, no sir, I don't like it one bit.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

nope me either. The sad part is I remember my DAD going through this at my age.

This is a very uncomfortable stage of life.

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

I've reached the age that every time I see an obituary on the Internet, I calculate how much older or younger that person was than I am now.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

ouch, yeah I can see that

[0-mother-0.livejournal.com]

it's hard to NOT think about those things at our age. it's only natural. and the more ambitious and demanding one is, the harder the questions (and answers) will feel.

{{{HUGS}}} if it matters, I think you've done pretty darn well for yourself, esp with all the medical stuff you have had to (and do) endure

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

It's definitely hard not to think about these th ings. A late middle age you kinda suck.

And thank you