Writerly Ways and random things

[cornerofmadness]

A day late and still short because I'm trying to finish that damn Soldiers of the Sun edits. I'm done with all but the last chapter and the stuff silvrethorn sent me. Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about. Writing and confidence. And how it's shaken. Sometimes by the littlest of things.

No my first readers aren't being mean to me (sometimes to the story but it needs it) This comes from that deeply flawed part of me (and I'm sure others). No matter what I've accomplished, I have to get past that part of me that says 'you are not good enough.' I don't have to think hard on where this comes from. My parents are good ones for the most part but they never really did seem to think I can do things. They still act surprised when I'm right about something. I have four different college degrees but they seem surprised i know things. High school further eroded the confidence. College was the only thing to restore it until medical school/residency. House was fun to watch but NOT to work for. And I did. A lot. It will crush your sense of self and confidence so fast you won't know what happened.

So now I have a story that I'm afraid to send in. There are 1001 things wrong with it. I'm sure of that. I'm sure of that Every. Single. Time. I will send it in (which is more than I'm doing for my non-erotica but that is a story for another time).

But it didn't help I wanted this done in January. Worse, yesterday the contract fairy visited everyone. I could have had this in their hands and I could have been started (see I do have some confidence they'll buy it) on the edits. As it is now, it might not be seen until 2016. Wow. Sigh.

Worse, I did put Kept Tears in for the Rainbow Awards. I don't expect to win but they do have 'honorable mentions' for ones judges like. They're not done yet but so far, I haven't gotten one. Fair enough. I can live with that except some truly BAD stories have. I mean ones I've read that I had to almost lie to say good things about because they're from my publishing house and Jana has these people friended. I'm like wow, what am I doing wrong that they get this and yet I'm ignored.

Same with a few really crappy books getting turned into audios which only happens with best sellers. Yes that's just me being jealous but again it is amazing how that undermines you a little, realizing you barely made back the advance (which I am NOT taking next time if I sell another novel because I can't keep it straight. I feel like I paid into it more than I got at this point) and pure crap is being eaten up. I wonder what they're doing I'm not. Well some of them are high volume authors. Sigh.

If I knew how to have more confidence, I would offer up advice. I'm running on empty. All I have is whining and you're probably sick of that.

No word count today. I've hardly done anything so...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to peppaminty & yuukihikari. Hope it was a great day.

And how about some links Oh Arizona, you’re making Appalachia look good and this one is sweet People with understanding and big hearts

I won 2 books on Goodreads Giveaways. Yay!

declutter day 265 item tossed-My Freshman Year why kept-Had to read for faculty improvement why tossed -Boring waste of my time.

Comments

[bay115.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you're losing your confidence. I know that feeling all too well. :< *hugs*

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

I suck at having confidence. But you're one of the toughest people I know, surviving everything you have and still soldiering on. You've got this.

You will never be 100% satisfied with your work. You're too good a writer for that. You will always nitpick. This doesn't mean your work is bad. You just worry. Of course it will have a few flaws--even Shakespeare wrote about the "bad, revolting stars." If he can write a clunker, you have a pass to not be entirely perfect either.

Many hugs. :-)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Thank you

You are, of course, right. I have this. I will submit it, I will find 1001 things wrong with it.

Part of it is the lazy factor. I hate editing. I have to have my feet held to the fire.

I do, however, wish I could figure out how much 30s lingo to put in to give it flavor without making it hokey or sound like a bad Phillip Marlowe movie

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you. I'll get it back but some days it's a struggle

[silvrethorn.livejournal.com]

Nothing knocks you on your ass like entering your best work in a contest and not placing. Not having my novel make the RPLA finals stung, and that wasn't even my best work. But at least you aren't like one of my writers' group members, who also didn't final, but spouted off the the group that there was NOTHING wrong with her entry and the judges were all idiots for not giving it passing scores. (News flash, there was a _lot_ wrong with her manuscript, but this writer doesn't listen. Which means she doesn't learn from her mistakes, which means she'll be a mediocre writer all her life.) Getting swatted is a chance to grow and improve. It's important to know what people (editors, agents, contest judges) don't like about a given story, and important to know what they _do_ like. As for what they see in the crap stories that succeed more than they deserve to, I have no answer for that.

I don't think any parent ever thinks his/her child is a fully competent, capable adult. Ever. It's a parent thing, no reflection on you. My own mother was giving me step-by-step instructions on how to dress for the RPLA banquet the other day, as if I was too irresponsible and ignorant to know to wear makeup and put on black stockings with my black shoes.

You can hire people to make audio versions of your self-published books. One of my group members has done this. He's not a good writer (his story also failed to final in the RPLA, for reasons), and I wonder what the voice actors make of the material he sends them to read. I especially wonder what the lady he asked to read with a Welsh accent thought. For the record, the accent she came up with didn't sound Welsh at all to me.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

You are so right but hey i got my honorable mention today.

Oh god, one of THOSE. I've been relatively lucky. I've only had a few of those types (one used to be in the Cauldron) But you're right, she will never learn.

And there will always be crappy stories that succeed (Twilight, 50 shades) but it will always prickle at me. I know too many good authors who can't get a break and then crap makes it. Sigh

Really? I can't imagine ponying up the money to get someone to make an audio book of my stuff.

And I have no doubt you're right. Ouch, at least Mom let's me dress myself. Except my hair. I can't do that right but she's correct about that. I hate hair. She's a hair dresser. If she wants to piss with it, go nuts. Now I just slap on my wig.

Dad on the other hand thinks I can't dress myself. He called two of the most beautiful things I've ever bought from Pyramid Collection a rag (the blue shirt in my steampunk pic) and a clown outfit (my asian duster)

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

I'm of no use there. I love bad Philip Marlowe movies. Even worse, I like Damon Runyon. :-)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hahaha I should have had you help with the lingo then