Caramel Rain
Jul. 9th, 2015 10:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessToday after getting my blood taken for tomorrow's endocrinologist appt, I stopped at Cafe Mojo which is the coffee shop in the hospital (which has a Gallipolis Best Business sign on it. While that's cool what does it saw about Gallipolis that a tiny hospital coffee shop is one of their best places?) The owner's little girl was there and she's at that age (around 5-7) where she wants to help mom (at 13 she'll want nothing of the sort I'm sure). She desperately wanted to pour my caramel mach but naturally Mom wouldn't let her. She then wanted to put the caramel on it. I'll put on LOTS! I'll make caramel rain all over it.
Little girl I love you. I could use a caramel rain.
Mostly because my place of employment gets more depressing and desperate every day. I am seriously thinking about could I go back to school for yet another degree.
Mom's best intentions didn't go so well last night either. I laid away thinking about it. She logged into higher ed jobs and found several, two of which were actually the right jobs. But I wish she hadn't because a) change can be scary especially if I give up tenure b) the jobs have something that pricks at me.
One was at Villanova up in Erie PA. Good school. Problem, it's CATHOLIC. Yes, yes I was raised Catholic but here's the thing I CAN NOT pretend I'm on the Catholic church's bandwagon. I've seen many firings lately of priests for being pro-gay rights or pro-birth control. I can not pretend I'm not pro-choice, pro-woman, pro-gay marriage. Maybe if I had NO job I could try but it would be like being someone else. Could you imagine if they found out about Jana?
The other was at Nicolet tech college...the school that was my FIRST assignment. I think my mentor there is retiring/leaving. Part of me says YES DO IT. The starting salary is 7 grand more than what my pay was BEFORE it was cut. (probably to offset WI's cost of living). It was beautiful in Rhinelander. I loved da Nort' woods.
Problem - It wasn't all beer and skittles there. As beautiful as I found it, it was remote. I could live with that. Part of me remembers how terrible my depression was. I was nearly committed involuntarily to a psychiatric intensive care unit. I thought about suicide most nights. My student loans sent the POLICE after me. I was pulled out of my eye doctor's exam room at the Wal-Mart for god's sake. So yes, my situation back then is why I was depressed. I was adjuncting making 500$/month. It would be better now. But as beautiful as it was, the cost of fuel could be a problem because it's freaking cold there (as in it was between 20-30 degrees BELOW zero for like 6 weeks). And more of problem would be that it's a community college so I would only be teaching the same two classes every year and nothing else. I would have no pre meds just two year nurses and other allied health. What happens when there are no two year nurses anymore (which is the current push)? and worse, their asshat gov. is busy dismantling their higher education. If he's shutting down huge chunks of the U.of Wisconsin with his funding cuts, what's going to happen to a little college in the frigid tip of the state. Not to mention I'm now almost a full day's travel from Pittsburgh. SIGH. I did love it there though...
Drove into Athens to the writers group meeting. At least Kati noticed I lost weight. When I was home Dad asked me how much I gained. I said I lost and he laughed at me and told me it was impossible because he'd gained 8 pounds since i was home and had all this junk food in the house (thanks Dad. Yeah right. Maybe if you didn't eat constantly...)
the challenge for day 9 of the self-love challenge was to post fashion pictures and how did I get from there to now.
The 70s post of me as a little girl, well let's be honest that was Mom's fashion sense not mine.
The picture of me with the giant geode (Smithsonian) is 1984 and god knows why I have on hideous short shorts but back then I had hair, skin color and a case of the skinnies.
The senior picture is 1985, still the best pic ever of me (thank you airbrushing) I remember loving that sweater and the unicorn jewelry (I still have those damn earrings somewhere).
The picture of me in the blue top, black skirt, gloves and hat (I still fit in those gloves!) was a sorority Christmas party probably 1988 or 89 and me in the white dress was @ 1988 with my little sister for her sorority induction. Yes, when I dress up I like to DRESS UP.
(I wore these gloves to Rathacon this year. YES I have them and they're part of my steampunk cosplay now)
The picture of me in the black tie dress was for my medical school fraternity's party in 1992. I loved that dress, got it at Gabriel's for like 50$ and saw it later at Saks for over a 1000$
The picture of me in the X-Files t-shirt (Yes I have it still) is about 1996-97 after I gained a person in weight when the PCOS hit. Most of my fashion then switched to t-shirts and most of my hair fell out so that leads to the picture in green, last Christmas in a pretty dress still with a wig and having to fight to find much self love for how I look now.
Little girl I love you. I could use a caramel rain.
Mostly because my place of employment gets more depressing and desperate every day. I am seriously thinking about could I go back to school for yet another degree.
Mom's best intentions didn't go so well last night either. I laid away thinking about it. She logged into higher ed jobs and found several, two of which were actually the right jobs. But I wish she hadn't because a) change can be scary especially if I give up tenure b) the jobs have something that pricks at me.
One was at Villanova up in Erie PA. Good school. Problem, it's CATHOLIC. Yes, yes I was raised Catholic but here's the thing I CAN NOT pretend I'm on the Catholic church's bandwagon. I've seen many firings lately of priests for being pro-gay rights or pro-birth control. I can not pretend I'm not pro-choice, pro-woman, pro-gay marriage. Maybe if I had NO job I could try but it would be like being someone else. Could you imagine if they found out about Jana?
The other was at Nicolet tech college...the school that was my FIRST assignment. I think my mentor there is retiring/leaving. Part of me says YES DO IT. The starting salary is 7 grand more than what my pay was BEFORE it was cut. (probably to offset WI's cost of living). It was beautiful in Rhinelander. I loved da Nort' woods.
Problem - It wasn't all beer and skittles there. As beautiful as I found it, it was remote. I could live with that. Part of me remembers how terrible my depression was. I was nearly committed involuntarily to a psychiatric intensive care unit. I thought about suicide most nights. My student loans sent the POLICE after me. I was pulled out of my eye doctor's exam room at the Wal-Mart for god's sake. So yes, my situation back then is why I was depressed. I was adjuncting making 500$/month. It would be better now. But as beautiful as it was, the cost of fuel could be a problem because it's freaking cold there (as in it was between 20-30 degrees BELOW zero for like 6 weeks). And more of problem would be that it's a community college so I would only be teaching the same two classes every year and nothing else. I would have no pre meds just two year nurses and other allied health. What happens when there are no two year nurses anymore (which is the current push)? and worse, their asshat gov. is busy dismantling their higher education. If he's shutting down huge chunks of the U.of Wisconsin with his funding cuts, what's going to happen to a little college in the frigid tip of the state. Not to mention I'm now almost a full day's travel from Pittsburgh. SIGH. I did love it there though...
Drove into Athens to the writers group meeting. At least Kati noticed I lost weight. When I was home Dad asked me how much I gained. I said I lost and he laughed at me and told me it was impossible because he'd gained 8 pounds since i was home and had all this junk food in the house (thanks Dad. Yeah right. Maybe if you didn't eat constantly...)
the challenge for day 9 of the self-love challenge was to post fashion pictures and how did I get from there to now.
The 70s post of me as a little girl, well let's be honest that was Mom's fashion sense not mine.
The picture of me with the giant geode (Smithsonian) is 1984 and god knows why I have on hideous short shorts but back then I had hair, skin color and a case of the skinnies.
The senior picture is 1985, still the best pic ever of me (thank you airbrushing) I remember loving that sweater and the unicorn jewelry (I still have those damn earrings somewhere).
The picture of me in the blue top, black skirt, gloves and hat (I still fit in those gloves!) was a sorority Christmas party probably 1988 or 89 and me in the white dress was @ 1988 with my little sister for her sorority induction. Yes, when I dress up I like to DRESS UP.
(I wore these gloves to Rathacon this year. YES I have them and they're part of my steampunk cosplay now)The picture of me in the black tie dress was for my medical school fraternity's party in 1992. I loved that dress, got it at Gabriel's for like 50$ and saw it later at Saks for over a 1000$
The picture of me in the X-Files t-shirt (Yes I have it still) is about 1996-97 after I gained a person in weight when the PCOS hit. Most of my fashion then switched to t-shirts and most of my hair fell out so that leads to the picture in green, last Christmas in a pretty dress still with a wig and having to fight to find much self love for how I look now.
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no subject
Date: 2015-07-10 05:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-10 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-11 09:52 am (UTC)I definitely could have used some yesterday. I walked around all of yesterday afternoon with a smear of mustard (complimented by a string of cheese) stuck to my left cheek, and no one said a word about it. I had one friend over for a visit, ran errands, picked barry up at his job etc. Not a word. They HAD to see it! It was only on the way home when I lowered the visor to get an eyelash out of my eye that I saw it... Oh well, welcome to the continuing adventures of my social disasters... :/
and changing jobs (esp in an ever changing market that might require you to move around) really is scary, stressful stuff. It's always so hard to know if you are doing the right thing, choosing the right one... But I wonder if it would be that much more stressful than what you are putting up with now? Other than being familiar and having the security of tenure, how safe and contented do you feel where you are? Are these financial woes a temporary thing or a steady trend toward something inevitable? If it really is a sinking ship, even a passing shrimp boat would be a better offer.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-11 02:39 pm (UTC)That's the thing. We don't know. It's too soon to say we're doomed. We've had our new president for a less than a year. We've taken the 2 million dollar deficiet and fixed it so we only owe 52K. But my god, we're cut to the bone. Can we build? We had almost NO students for orientation on thursday.
All things considered the school in Nicolet would be a step sideways not a step ahead and academically it would be one step back
no subject
Date: 2015-07-11 04:52 pm (UTC)No matter what happens I'm just glad that you do have at least some options, Bad as some of them may be. Of course our greatest hope is that where you are now is able to keep going and give you your pay cut back. Here's hoping.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-11 09:40 pm (UTC)Yeah at least I HAVE a job so all in all I'm good