Leaning on the Edge of E chapters 3 &4
Jun. 3rd, 2006 02:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessAnd here's the other two chapters
CHAPTER THREE - Lullaby
(dedicated to Natgel for her birthday)
On candystripe legs the spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Lullaby - The Cure
He looks so small. That though danced through my mind again and again as I stared at Connor lying in the hospital bed. I couldn’t look at the IV bag of blood flowing into my child’s arm. Absurdly, it made me feel hungry. Angelus roared inside me, just take the last few drops, it won’t take much now to kill him. I ignored my demon, gazing down at Connor who had been propped up on his uninjured side, both arms extended, looking unnatural.
I had lied to the hospital staff about being Lawrence Reilly and the hospital as so frantic with the in pouring of wounded and dead from the battle that no on bothered to check my identity. Of course now I didn’t know what to do with Connor once the boy’s superlative healing powers took over.
He has to be cold, I thought. The ICU was icy and Connor wore nothing but a hospital gown that was peeled down so the nurse could do a vitals check every fifteen minutes. Fluffy gauze with a horrid patch of brown in the center had to conceal where they had sutured up the hole in my son’s chest and back and repaired the internal damage. The dissolvable inner sutures the nurse told me about didn’t concern me. It was the ones on the outside that wouldn’t be needed soon giving the rate Connor would heal at that worried me. I studied my son. Was Connor already healing around the chest tube they had put in him? The tubing poked out just below his arm pit. Don’t look. Try not to smell the blood. Don’t even consider it.
The heart monitor beeped with a strong rhythm but even knowing Connor would live didn’t help me relax. I couldn’t think beyond the windowless cubicle that was Connor’s ‘room’ in the ICU. The portal had sealed once we killed the elder-demon but hundred of demons had escaped into the city. I should still be out there fighting in spite of being bone tired but I couldn’t leave my son. I just wished I had a better way of explaining how Connor was healing to the medical staff who were bound to ask. I knew I’d have to check the boy out of the hospital early.
All I had wanted was for Connor to have a transfusion and for a way to stop the flow of blood. I knew Connor could recover so long as he didn’t die of blood loss. The worst of it was passed now and I could worry about the hospital later. I knew the memory of Connor talking to his dead mother just before he had succumbed to his injuries would haunt me.
Connor shivered in spite of his unconscious state. I held his bone-white hand. The veins were so blue under the translucent skin. I saw a nurse hurry by. I hated stopping her, knowing how overwhelmed the hospital was. “Nurse, I know you’re very busy but he’s so cold.”
“There’s a warmer over there. Can you get your own blanket?” she asked, hurrying past as two more patients arrived.
I knew it wasn’t protocol for a visitor to help themselves but at this point I knew no one cared. The city was under siege and I should be thankful the medical staff hadn’t fled. I got a warmed blanket out of the machine. It felt toasty and reminded me of the electric blanket I used to huddle under to make myself feel more human on days I knew Buffy would be visiting the mansion.
I tucked the blanket around my son the best I could while avoiding the IVs in both arms; blood in one, saline, antibiotics and morphine pump in the other. I dodged the chest tube and the catheter tube snaking out from under the covers. Catherization was SOP with someone in Connor’s condition, or so the nurse explained but I could only imagine how much Connor would hate that when he woke up. I slipped some of the warm blanket between the pillow and Connor’s cheek. Why were hospital blankets so damn thin?
I smoothed Connor’s hair. “You’ll warm up, son, once they get some more blood into you. The nurse said you’re slated for one more unit.” I debated canceling that last unit. Connor would recover and blood was going to be a precious commodity for the next few days.
“You can’t go in there, sir,” one of the nurses said stridently.
“That’s my ruddy cousin. I want to see him.”
I got up, hearing Spike’s irate voice. “Nurse, he is family. He can come in.”
She eyed us both angrily but went back to her myriad of duties and didn’t bother telling us about the time limit on the visit. She obviously had more important things to worry about.
Spike came over and glanced at the bed. “How’s the kid?”
“He’ll live.”
“Did I actually hear him call you dad?” Spike’s eyebrows lifted.
“It’s a very long story.”
Spike snorted. “I bet.” He sat on the floor since the ICU wasn’t exactly equipped for visitations. “Damn, we did it.”
I laughed bitterly. “I have no idea how. We should still be out there. It’s not over, not for you or me.” I got up.
“Sit, Peaches. You stay with the kid. He needs you more than we do,” Spike said, an uncharacteristically gentle look on his face.
I collapsed back gratefully. “Thanks Spike. Where’s Illyria?”
“Out fighting.”
“You and I should be with her.”
Spike shook his head. “I know you’re rattled Angel but think for a second.”
I stared then I realized what Spike meant. The ICU might be dim but outside the sun would be brightening things up. “You and I are sidelined. But to leave Illyria with all those demons...hell yesterday I would have said she might have joined them.”
“Yesterday Wesley was alive,” Spike said grimly. “I think she felt something for him.”
I wondered not for the first time what Spike felt about Fred and now Illyria. I wasn’t ready to know. “I shouldn’t be sitting here. I should get back out there. Too many demons escaped,” I said, not wanting to leave my son alone.
“You have bigger worries.” Spike jerked a thumb back at the bed. “And the calvary has arrived.”
“What?” My eyes widened. “Slayers?”
“Giles used the telepathic trick he and Willow had devised back when Buffy was dead. I guess he knows my brain waves or whatever so he contacted me instead of you. He’s dispatched every Slayer he could here which is damn near all of them. I saw a couple of them. I guess Giles told them to come looking for us. I introduce Blue to them. Hopefully they’re all playing nice.” A ghost of smile moved across Spike’s lips.
“Buffy? Faith?” I didn’t dare hope for that. I actually preferred it if they weren’t coming. I wasn’t sure I could handle it at this point.
Spike shook his head. “All he said was they were unavailable. I’ll call him and give him an update since I’m about useless at this point.”
“No cell phones allowed in here,” I said quickly, looking at the wires attached to Connor’s chest.
“I saw the signs, Peaches, and my cell is long gone. Hope this place has an opening to the sewers. There might be something to kill down there.” Spike stretched. “Or maybe I’ll just sleep in the basement.”
“Sleep,” I said the word like a novena. I felt like I could sleep until Connor turned thirty.
“Yeah, I think so.” Spike struggled up. “You keep an eye on your kid. The Slayers have the situation handled. Come night and he’s still not out of the woods, you stay here and I’ll fight the good fight.”
I looked at him with relief. “Thanks, Spike. He’s all alone. I don’t want him to wake up that way.”
“Stay.” Spike started to leave. “Angel, I took a chance and asked around. This is where the kid brought Gunn.”
Gunn, I had nearly forgotten him or more appropriately had assumed Connor was way too late and my friend was beyond worrying about. I couldn’t keep the abashed look off my face. “I’ll check on him.” I ran a hand through my blood-encrusted hair. What did the nurses think of me sitting here still covered in gore. “Meet me back here if you can at sundown and we’ll make plans for helping the Slayers if they still need it.”
Spike nodded and headed out. I couldn’t tell the other vampire how grateful he was for the offer to put himself on the line so I didn’t have to. I cast a long glance at my son. Connor, judging from his breathing was still in a deep sleep. I might be able to spare a few minutes to see if I could find Gunn. He was probably right here in the surgical ICU with Connor.
I went outside of the three curtains that cordoned off Connor’s ‘room’ and started to look for Gunn. The nurses were too busy to notice me. I finally found my friend, stunned to see that he was alive but I didn’t know how much longer that would last. Gunn’s wounds were obviously severe and he didn’t have Connor’s healing abilities. I picked up the clipboard on the edge of the bed and pretended the medical shorthand made sense to me. From my angle at the end of the bed, I slowly realized something was really wrong in the way the blankets fell over Gunn’s body.
I glanced around but no one was anywhere near me. I flipped the blanket back careful, my stomach dropping. Gunn’s right leg was gone below the knee. The dark skin ended in a mass of white gauze intricately taped to his thigh. I let the blanket fall back. I touched Gunn’s arm. “I’m so sorry, Charles.”
Gunn didn’t respond and I didn’t expect him to with that horrible tube taped over his face and no doubt penetrated down his throat to help him breathe. I would try to talk to the nurses about Gunn’s condition but not today, not with all the insanity raging outside these walls. I’d make them understand that I was all Gunn had and that was true. Gunn had no family and me, Spike, Illyria, Connor, and Lorne were all the friends he had left. Lorne? I wondered where he might be. Would he ever want to see us again?
I headed back for Connor’s bedside. A nurse stopped me with a set of surgical scrubs in her hands. “Mr. Reilly, there’s nothing you can do for him now.”
“I don’t want him to be alone.”
“I understand sir, but really we shouldn’t let you be in here. You’re a walking OSHA infraction.” She nodded to my blood-stained clothes. “There’s a shower room we use for the patients at the end of the hall. You can put these on.” She handed me the scrubs and a red plastic bag. “Put your clothes in there and we can dispose of them for you if you want.”
I sighed and nodded. “Thank you.”
I showered quickly or at least that was my intent but once the hot water started hitting me, running red with blood, I stayed there for a long time. The water took away some of the ache in my body but not in my heart. My son nearly died. What if something went wrong now like a blood clot to his brain? I couldn’t survive losing Connor for good. I hit my knees on the tiled floor, weeping until there was nothing left inside me and the water had gone cold.
Dressed in the scrubs, which felt odd since I was unused to loose-fitting, sloppy clothes especially sans underwear, I went back into the ICU and surrendered the red bag of my clothing. There was nothing in there that was salvageable. I sat back in my chair, which had been cleaned and reeked of antiseptic. Connor was still unconscious. I shut my eyes trying not to picture my son cradled against me, dark blood flowing out of him in rivers.
My head jerked as a sound reached my ears. I had fallen asleep. From the feel of the sun I had been asleep for hours. The strange sound that had awoken me was Connor groaning in his sleep. My son thrashed a bit on the bed, apparently caught in a bad dream. I caught his hands before Connor accidently ripped out a tube that he needed. I squeezed my son’s icy fingers. “Connor, it’s okay. You’re safe now. It’s all over.”
Connor moaned again, tears leaking out from under his eyelids and I debated hitting the call button for the nurse. Suddenly Connor’s eyes flew open and he gasped. I let go of one of his hands so I could cup Connor’s chin.
“It’s okay, Connor. You’re safe.”
Connor shuddered, groaning. “I was home...they were stalking me. I was just a little boy...they had eaten you and Father...had your heads on sticks.”
“Shhhh.” I stroked his hair. “It was just a nightmare.”
Connor’s blue eyes fastened on me. “We’re not dead?”
I smiled faintly. “We’re in the hospital. Well, you are. I was sitting vigil.”
Connor sighed. “I saw her...mom...wasn’t a dream.”
“Maybe you really did see her,” I said, knowing there were reams of lore about the dead visiting the dying. “Don’t worry about that now, Connor. You just rest.”
“You didn’t...call,” he paused, licking his lips obviously having trouble getting his breath.
“The Reillys? No. You said they were in Vegas.”
Connor nodded. “Luxor. Don’t tell them...they’ll worry.”
“They’ll worry if they don’t hear. I’ll think of something. You let me worry about that.” I pulled The chair closer so I could rest my weary body and remain close. “The nurses think I’m Mr. Reilly.”
Connor smiled. “Angel Reilly.”
“Liam, actually,” I said softly and my son’s blue eyes fastening on me in confusion. “That’s my real name, Liam.”
“Oh.” Connor winced. “It hurts so much.”
“I’m sure. You were hurt very badly, Connor.” I fumbled for the morphine pump button and pressed it. “You were impaled.”
“Ummm, something’s burning in my arm. What did you just do?”
I put the controller back in the bed. “Morphine. You just push this button when you start hurting.”
“My first high courtesy of Dad.” Connor made a noise that might have been a wheezy laugh.
I smirked. “Not funny but it’s there for you to use if you need it. I’ll probably have to check you out of here by tonight or tomorrow before they see how fast you’re healing.”
Connor tried to lift the covers so I helped him. “My legs were torn up.”
“The doctor’s stitched you back together,” I said seeing Connor’s eyes going wide. “Oh, they had to put in a catheter. You might not want to mess with that.”
Connor’s mouth twisted. “You think?”
“The nurse said it was no big deal.”
“Easy for you...you don’t have a garden hose shoved up you.”
I winced in spite of myself. “They said it would come out when you regained consciousness and could...you know on your own.”
Connor shivered. “I’m cold.”
“I know. I don’t think there’re any more warm blankets. There’re too many patients.” I tucked the blankets back down. “I could go out and get you something...only it’s day and there’re still demons out in the city. The Slayers have arrived.”
“Faith?” There was a hopeful look on Connor’s face but I saw the morphine was kicking in. Connor’s eyes were going hazy.
“Not yet. Sleep, Connor. You shouldn’t be talking so much.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”
I patted his hand. “You did listen. You left only they followed you. I’m glad you didn’t put your adopted family at risk and while I’m not glad you were in that battle I am glad at the same time, if that makes sense. I’m not sure I would have survived if I didn’t have you to fight for.”
Connor smiled and mumbled something but it made no sense.
“Quit fighting sleep, Connor. We can talk later. You need to get your strength back.”
“Afraid...the nightmares, I always have them.”
“They won’t get you, Connor. I’m right here. Nothing is going to hurt you while I’m here,” I said vehemently.
Connor smiled, his fingers curling around mine. “Fought so many monsters...and I’m afraid of dreams.”
“I’d sing you a lullaby to keep them away like my mom used to do for me,” I said then smiled wryly. “Only my singing is more frightening than nightmares.”
Connor made the wheezy noise again, his fingers starting to slid out of mine. He was asleep before I tucked that hand back under the covers. I kissed my son’s forehead. “Rest easy, Connor.”
I settled back in to take up my vigil again, though somewhat lighter of heart now that I had heard my son’s voice again. It made me feel as if things would be all right.
CHAPTER FOUR - Homesick
(dedicated to Ragna for the holiday wishlist)
Oh just one more and i'll walk away
All the everything you win turns to nothing today
So just one more just one more go inspire in me
The desire in me to never go home
Homesick - The Cure
“I don’t see why I can’t drive,” I groused as Angel sped through the desert. Man, Dad had an immensely cool car and I was aching to get behind the wheel. Was this one of the things he had programmed into me? A love of cars? Whatever, it was overwhelming my anxiety about this trip.
“Because you should still be in the hospital. You’re weak,” Angel replied, his eyes not leaving the road. I could hear the worry though.
It was hard to argue that. I scratched at the scar on my chest. The stitches had backed out yesterday, only two days after I had been hurt and they itched terribly. I felt wobbly but I wasn’t going to tell Dad that. He’d have me all bundled up in bed, tucked in too tight to move and would probably try to spoon feed me or something. For a centuries old fiend, he could be a total mother hen. “I can drive.”
“I can see how anemic you still are,” Angel answered, glancing over at me. The worry in his eyes was five times stronger than what had been in his voice.
“I’m fine.” I needed him to believe that. He might cancel the trio otherwise. I was not used to being coddled. Oh, I remembered my ‘mom’ doing it but I knew that wasn’t real. Holtz might have loved me but he had not been a nurturer. “Why can’t I drive?”
Dad smirked at me. “This is a GTO and I don’t want you to put it in a ditch.”
“Ah, that’s the real reason,” I snorted. He wanted to play with the muscle car and wasn’t about to share. “I don’t think there are any ditches, Dad. It’s flat and boring here. Where’d you get a GTO anyhow?”
“Wolfram and Hart. I knew the end was coming. We funneled money into Swiss bank accounts and I moved the car collection.” Angel sounded extraordinarily pleased with himself.
“Damn, you robbed them. Good for you,” I hooted. Hey, having a vampire dad might pay off finally with those dubious vampire morals. “But I can drive, you know. I had a Nova until the dragon crushed it. I can handle a GTO.”
Angel snorted. “Please, you only think someone taught you to drive. I’ve been driving since cars were invented.”
“That’s just creepy,” I squirmed around. GTO’s might be fast and fun but they weren’t particularly comfortable, especially as sore as I still was. Damn, I’m worrying about my comfort after everything that had just happened. I thought about what we had left behind in L.A. “Maybe we should have put this trip off. Not because of me,” I added hurriedly before he could get a full head of steam in the worrying department. “We should be helping out.”
“We’re not needed,” Angel said. “The Slayers, Spike, and Illyria are hunting down the last of the demons. Anne is watching out for Gunn. He’ll be in the hospital for some time.” Angel paused for a moment and I know we were both thinking about the hard road Gunn had in front of him, learning to walk again with an artificial leg, if it came to that. Wolfram and Hart had mystic healers but there was no Wolfram and Hart left in L.A. Of course, there was not much left of Wolfram and Hart but maybe a healer or two made it. I think Dad knew other such healers, but the thing was finding a donor leg. No one really wanted to think about that, especially Gunn. “And the funeral for Wesley won’t be for another few days until the Watchers who arranged for most everything could make it. Your parents have to be wondering how you are, especially with it being all over the news about the so-called terrorist attacks in L.A. Your mother sounded very stressed when I spoke to her yesterday.”
I looked at him. How much did it hurt him to talk about my fake parents as if they really were related to me? What would happen if I went back with them? Did I even want to? I think I already knew the answer and it hurt. “They’re really going to freak when they start getting bills for whatever the insurance doesn’t cover and see major surgery on the forms,” I said then sighed. “Thanks for coming with me to Vegas.”
“I couldn’t let you go yourself,” he replied softly. He sounded so fragile and I couldn’t handle that.
“Still, I appreciate it. I know this can’t be easy for you,” I said, glancing out the side window so I wouldn’t have to look at his expression. I could hear him shifting around, probably to make eye contact.
He touched my shoulder. “I would do anything for you, you know that.”
There was too much pain in his voice. I couldn’t look at him. “I know. I just wanted you to know...that it means a lot to me.” Why was it so damn hard to be nice to him? I could spew hateful things easily. Telling him that I did care, should it be this hard?
“I know it does.”
I shifted in my seat, reaching for the old radio, figuring I wouldn’t find a decent station. I was just desperate to find a change of subject. I winced as I moved. I pulled at my jeans, trying to find extra room over the damaged leg and in the groin area.
“Problem?” There was that worry again.
I sat back, giving up. “Parts of me haven’t forgiven you for allowing that catheter,” I grumbled and it actually was pretty tender still.
“Allowing? What made you think I had a choice?” Angel sounded vaguely amused.
“When it comes to that, there should be a choice.” I tugged at my jeans again. Wearing boxers was helping some but even with the baggy jeans, I was still uncomfortable.
“I think your choices were the hose or dying of toxin build ups,” Angel replied.
“We’ll see how cavalier you are about it when it’s your turn.” I made a face. “Of course, it won’t ever be your turn unless you really piss off someone and they decide to have a little fun and where’d I learn a word like cavalier?”
“The spell no doubt and your idea of fun makes me shudder,” Angel said.
I laughed. “I bet you’re glad now that I didn’t know what a catheter was back when I took that taser to you.” Oh shit, why did I go and say something like that? I meant it to be funny and it wasn’t.
“I doubt you would have done it,” Angel said, dodging a coyote that shot out across the desert highway.
I’m glad he does, because I don’t. I hated him that much back then. Well, maybe I would have let Justine do it. She would have liked to inflict some pain on him. “I’m glad you have faith that I’m less evil than I am,” I muttered.
Angel braked the car hard and pulled off on the shoulder. He killed the engine and put one of those monstrous hands of his on my arm. He forced me to look at him. “You are a lot of things Connor, but you are not evil. I know evil. I’ve been it and you are not evil.”
I caught my bottom lip between my teeth, biting hard, trying to hold back the rush of emotion. I will not break down here. “Then how do you explain some of the things I’ve done?”
“You were pulled about and manipulated by Cordelia and deceived. We all were, by the thing controlling her.”
“Our daughter,” I whispered, not wanting to think about it.
“She wasn’t, Connor, not really. I don’t know how to explain it. Jasmine never was what you thought she was.” His hand moved up to my shoulder and I flinched, expecting the hurt to follow the touch since that’s all we ever really did to each other. He pulled away, seeming to realize it. “This isn’t the time or place to have this conversation. We will have it, if you want, if it’s not too much for you but maybe it should wait until you’re stronger.”
I rubbed a hand over my eyes trying to dash away the few tears I hadn’t been able to control. “I think waiting is good.”
Angel started the engine. “I think you were manipulated and got caught in the switches by Holtz, by the expectations of our friends and by me. There were so many things I did wrong and I know it. There’s a hardness in you but growing up where you did, that was needed for survival but that’s not evil. It’s why I had Vail do that spell. I wouldn’t have done it if I believed you were evil. Part of me wishes the Orlon Window was never broken.”
“And part of you is glad to have me back?” I knew he was but I needed to hear him say it.
“I never wanted to let you go, Connor, but I didn’t see any other way. Do you remember anything about the mall? I know you said it was all like a bad dream.” Angel paused as he pulled back out on the highway. You lied, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I knew it was what you wanted to hear.” I glanced over at him. “And I figured something bad was happening. I thought that might be the last time I saw you and I knew you needed to believe that I’d be okay.”
“And if you’re not okay, I want us to be able to talk about it before it gets too bad that it can’t be fixed,” Angel said and I could hear his worry. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to relive that horrible homicidal-suicidal moment, even if it would haunt me forever. If I got too far down, Angel might not be able to save me.
“I’ll try.” I took a deep breath. “Part of me is sad that the Window broke because I’ve lost something that I’ll never get back. But mostly I’m glad it did. I know, deep down, this life, hunting demons, it would have come for me ... it did come for me and I nearly died because I didn’t know myself. My family almost died because hiding me with normals didn’t fool the enemy. I might have lost something but it left a lasting impact.”
I saw his chest heave. I think he was probably thinking the same thing as me: ‘Don’t let me cry now.’ He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’m glad of that, Connor.”
“I know you’re worried about me, about what’s going on in my head and I’m pretty okay, you know?” I asked and actually I really was.
“Good.”
We fell silent for a little while. I did more shifting around in the seat, willing that part of my body to hurry up and heal. The leg hurt too, but for some reason even though my leg was hurt much worse than my penis, the latter was in far more pain. If I ever have to have a tube shoved up me again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Finally, the silence grew too heavy. I looked over at Dad. “Tell me what happened to Fred.” That might be dangerous ground but I had to know.
“She was murdered by Knox when he selected her to be host to an ancient demon, one of the old ones, pure demon, not like me,” he said flatly, trying to distance himself from the emotion.
I thought about that. “Closer to what I used to fight in Quor-Toth?”
He gripped the steering wheel so tight I thought he’d break it. “I would guess that’s about right. We tried to save her of course, but we were too late.”
“And you couldn’t kill her? I mean, if she’s pure demon...” I cracked my knuckles nervously.
“We tried. You saw how hard it is to kill her but we did manage to destroy Illyria’s power base. She can’t really take over the world now...and I’m not sure she actually wants to any more,” Angel said slowly.
“But you don’t know?” I asked, a little afraid of the answer.
He shook his head. “She doesn’t have the power and I think Wes started humanizing her. Spike, too. She’s...lost. She needs us. If she didn’t, she would have thrown in with Blackthorn.”
I mulled that over. “I sure hope you’re right.” I went back to looking out the window. “It’s what you were trying to do with Jasmine,” I added softly. He didn’t answer but I heard him shifting around as uncomfortable as I was. “It wouldn’t have worked with her.”
“You’re right,” he replied but I knew what he meant: ‘We’ll never know.’
I slid back into that moody silence and Angel let me go. He was doing the same thing. We were alike in so many ways that I didn’t like to think about it. I had more I wanted to ask him about but I wasn’t ready to know. Like where was Cordelia? Still in a coma? Dead? Moved on?
“I know I’ve never told you I’ve been to Vegas before,” Angel said, venturing into safer waters. “I mean before we went and rescued Lorne that time.”
That got my attention. “You don’t look like a Vegas type.”
“I loved the place. Want to hear about the time I spent with Bugsy Siegel?” He grinned at me.
I snorted. “You did not hang out with a mobster.”
“I did so,” Angel said indignantly.
I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess that would make sense for an evil vampire.”
“I wasn’t evil at the time,” Angel replied.
“Then why were you hanging out with a criminal?” I asked even though I was sure I didn’t want to know the answer.
He paused, looking at me like he had never thought about it that way. Dad launched into the whole story which killed time until the city came into view. I’m not sure if I bought it all but it made for a good story. Angel looked actually excited to be in the city, an expression I’m not sure I had ever seen on his face before. It made me nervous. His was not a face made for happiness.
“You’re going to love Vegas, son. We’ll have to come back when you can enjoy it,” he said, avoiding the topic we both weren’t ready for. What to do with my worried parents, how to keep them safe and would they be okay if I suggested moving out to my own place? I was considering that in order to protect them.
“Yeah like in a few years.” I snorted.
“I don’t think it’ll take that long for us to get back on our feet.” He made a face. “Maybe it will all things considered.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I sat up, digging in my pocket, wincing at the movement. Damn, just heal already will you. Getting pierced back to chest seemed to hurt less than that stupid catheter, surely that had to be psychological. I opened my wallet. “Now this fake i.d. says I’m twenty-one. It’s good enough to get me into college bars that don’t look so close. It wouldn’t last five seconds here. I’m not old enough to get on the casino floors, Dad and I don’t look close enough to fake it.”
“Oh, yeah.” He grinned sheepishly. “I forgot.”
“Not everyone is older than dirt.”
“I’m not older than dirt. Your mother was older than me,” he protested.
“You’ll have to tell me about her sometime,” I said softly. I did want to know, I decided. She was my mother and I deserved to know something more than what Holtz had told me. I had spoken to Mom...maybe, I still didn’t know if that had been her ghost or a spell or what. I didn’t like thinking about that moment in time at any rate. “Can you find the Luxor?”
“A big pyramid shaped building?” Angel smirked. “I think I can cope.”
Easier said then done as it turned out, with all the traffic. Dad checked into one of Wolfram and Hart’s standing rooms in the hotel and we opted to truck our own scant luggage to the room to the chagrin of the bell hops. We wondered if it was safe to use th firm’s rooms but probably anything still looking for us wouldn’t think Vegas.
“Maybe we should have got separate rooms. That clerk was looking at you like you should know to take your dirty pedophilic activities to a scum bag hotel,” I said.
“I noticed. I thought about telling her we were related but I figured it wouldn’t do any good,” Angel said as we rode up the ‘inclinator’ a special elevator that rose at a strange angle.
“Probably not.”
The suite was gorgeous. I flopped down on the bed nearest the window, exhausted more than I wanted Angel to know. “Dad, I think I should rest a little before I try to find Mom and Dad.”
“I was going to suggest that,” Angel said as I picked up the ‘perks’ package up off the night stand.
I flipped through it listlessly too tired to actually sleep if that made sense. “Oooo.”
Angel looked up from unpacking. “What?”
“Midnight Fantasy, the Luxor’s topless club.” I tapped the brochure.
Angel plucked the paperwork out of my hands. “Not twenty-one, remember?”
“Damn.” I pouted.
“I, on the other hand, am an adult.” Angel’s eyes widened. “Forty dollars.”
“Going to cheap out?” I smirked at him.
“I’ve seen enough boobs in my life I don’t need to pay forty dollars to see more.” A horrified look passed over his face. “Did I just say that?”
I laughed. “Yes. Pervert.”
He glared at me. “Here, Games of the Gods, a two-story arcade. That’ll keep you busy.”
“Now if only we were here for fun,” I sighed, stretching out. “At least you won’t keep me awake snoring since I’m assuming no breathing means no snoring.”
“No snoring,” Angel assured me.
“Good.” I turned on the cable and was out cold before I could even think about the real reason we were here.
* * *
I woke up feeling stiff and cotton-mouthed like I had been at a kegger. I didn’t have to be told that was a residual of the blood loss I was still recovering from. I could let on how bad I was still feeling or Angel would freak. I got up and glanced over. He was asleep. I watched him for a few long moments until I creeped myself out. He didn’t move, didn’t breathe and that’s when it sank in that my father was an animated corpse with a demon inside. I mean, I’ve always known it but this brought it home painfully.
I peeked outside. The sun was shining. Damn, how long had I been asleep? I had only meant to catch a half-hour nap. I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly noon. Sheesh, I guess my body had needed the rest more than I knew. I went into the bathroom and glared at the toilet like it was responsible for the burning pain I knew was about to come. My body really needed to stop messing around and just heal that part of me. To hell with my damaged lung, torso and leg. I just wanted my dick to stop hurting. Good luck with that, it seemed.
I smelled sour, just ever so slightly. I never knew if it would be perceptible to others since their sense of smell was so inferior but I’d rather not risk it. I fished out my body wash and shampoo and jumped into the shower. There hadn’t been time to be picky and find something non-girlie at the store. In packing to go, I had just grabbed the cheapest stuff off the shelf at Wal-Mart and tossed it in the car. Now I was stuck with Vo5's Strawberries and Cream shampoo and my hair smelled like Strawberry Quick. The scent made my mind flash back to being six years old and getting yelled at by mom because I was picking out the crunch berries from my cereal and refusing to eat the boring chunks of cereal.
It was like a blow to the gut. It was a false memory. It never happened. When I was six I was playing Holtz’s game of tying me to a tree and running off on me so I’d have to track him through hell. The one curse of my dual memories was while they granted me some peace, they also destroyed the underpinning of my former life. I had been happy in Quor-Toth. I thought my life was normal and now I knew how screwed up it really was. That was hard and I wasn’t sure if I should tell Angel. It would just hurt him to know it.
When I got out of the shower, he was awake, watching the TV. He glanced up at me as I started to get dressed. I heard him slide out of bed before I felt his cool coarse fingers on my back. He examined the wound. I looked over my shoulder at him. “How’s it look?”
“Good, all things considering.” He went back to the bed, sitting on the bedspread that looked like someone had put Lorne in his best brightest suit in a blender and used the puree as dye. “Do you want me to go with you to meet the Reillys?”
I shook my head. I did want the support but this was something better done alone. “I can handle my parents. I’ll tell them you’re here though, if that’s okay.”
He nodded. “Of course. Do you want me to wait here for you?”
“It’s day,” I said unnecessarily.
“I know but I’m not tired. If you need me to stay here in case something goes wrong, I will. If not, I’ll go down to the casino floor. There’s very few windows. They don’t want you knowing what time of day it is,” he said and I tried to picture him playing the slots and failed.
“You gamble?” I asked, figuring I ought to know something about my dad. I mean, I knew next to nothing and maybe that was part of our problem.
“Some. I used to gamble a lot when I was mortal. It was...” He made a face. “An unattractive quality, one of my many. I keep it under control.”
“Some day you’ll have to tell me about being mortal, growing up when and where you did,” I said and his face practically glowed.
“You want to know?” He sounded so desperate I felt bad for him. There was something raw and needy about the way he needed me to believe he loved me.
I pulled on my shirt. “I don’t know anything about you except what Holtz told me. I don’t know why you aren’t evil still. I don’t know why you have friends and I have no idea what you were like when you were still alive or how you died. I think I ought to know something.”
He smiled. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Only not now,” I said, wondering if that’s what I’d be saying from here on out. Even though I wanted to know, I understood that once I let him into my life there’d be no going back if I didn’t like what I discovered. “I really should track down mom and dad.”
“Go on. Maybe I should stay here, just in case you need me,” he said looking a bit morose. “I can watch cable.”
“I’m sure nothing will blow up in the first half hour or so, if you want to go downstairs for a little while. You’re going to get bored just sitting here,” I replied.
He smiled again. “Don’t worry about me.”
I nodded and went up two floors. I knew where mom and dad were staying. I should have called them first to be sure they were there. I was just too nervous for thought. They were going to be so worried. The ‘terrorist’ activity in L.A. had been bombarded on every news station for days and while my parents knew I was okay, they hadn’t known I was injured. I had told them I was leaving for Las Vegas but had fallen asleep before I told them I was in town. What if they weren’t even here?
I knocked on the door and almost immediately the locks were thrown. Mom stood there for a moment then grabbed me in a hug, crying. I tried not to wince as she crushed my tender chest. Dad put his arms around us both dragging me into the room. Shannon jumped on me, her tears hot against my back. No one talked for the longest time. Finally I wormed free. I still wasn’t all that comfortable in tight embraces. Even though I remembered growing up with these people, I remembered better growing up hard, with sparse hugs from Father and the betraying touch of Cordelia.
“I’m so glad you got here safely,” I said, sinking onto the bed.
“When did you get to town?” Mom asked. “Why didn’t you call us?”
“I got here a few hours ago and I sat down to call you and fell asleep,” I admitted. “Sorry.”
“How did you get away from those...things?” my sister asked, Shannon’s eyes were bigger than her head.
“It wasn’t easy but you know me...what I can do,” I said slowly, seeing the pain in my sister’s face when I mentioned my abilities.
“Nothing’s been the same since that van hit you,” Mom said bitterly, sitting beside me.
“Colleen,” Dad said sharply, touching Mom’s shoulder.
“It’s true.” She looked at me. “I’m sorry, Connor. I know it’s not your fault but ever since then these....creatures...these horrible things keep coming after us.”
“Demons, Mom. They’re demons,” I said, a cold feeling griping me. Something was wrong.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Dad said, shaking his head slowly.
“You’ve seen them, Dad. Got hurt by them,” I reminded him. Were they trying to pretend these things hadn’t happened. “You saw what I did in the desert.”
“I don’t know how we got away,” Shannon said, sitting next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.
I put my arm around my little sister. “They followed me away from you.”
“They were following you, period,” Mom said harshly, shocking me.
I stared at her. It was true but it hurt hearing it laid out like that. “That’s not my fault.”
“I didn’t say it was but this is twice in the space a few months these things have threatened our family,” Mom said.
“And what happened in L.A....it was them, wasn’t it?” Dad asked, pacing the room.
I nodded. “Yeah. We stopped them but it was hard. Some of Mr. Angel’s people were killed and badly hurt.”
“Mr. Angel.” Dad stopped, looking at me. “You met him again? I know he called from the hospital.”
“I drove here with him. My car is toast,” I said regretfully.
“You weren’t hurt bad though, right?” Shannon asked, looking at me as if I were suddenly made of glass.
“I got hurt,” I admitted. “You’ll be hearing from the hospital...there was surgery involved.”
“Surgery?” Mom’s voice shrilled. “I hate this.”
“Who okayed surgery? Why didn’t anyone call us?” Dad asked, looking so helpless.
“I told them not to. Mr. Angel kinda pretended he was you. I know that’s a bad thing but it was easier that way. I didn’t want to scare you.” I shrugged. “I guess he can pay if the insurance doesn’t want to because of that. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I heal real fast.”
“You look okay,” Shannon said., as if she didn’t quite believe me.“Was it bad?”
I lifted my shirt. “I got impaled but I’m okay now.”
“Impaled?” Shannon’s hand shook as she touched my chest just below the red, angry scar.
“What are you?” Mom jumped up. “I can’t have it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, dreading it. I knew what was coming. The light at the end of the tunnel was the train about to run me down. I had come here thinking I would suggest me putting distance between me and my faux family but I wasn’t going to get the chance. I saw the axe swinging and there was no time to dodge.
“Mom?” Shannon looked up at her questioningly.
Dad took Mom’s hand. “We’ve been talking about this since we got here. You’re old enough to have your own place, Connor. We’ll pay for it, of course, but we think...we can’t have you at home.”
“No!” Shannon cried, clutching at me protectively. “It’s not his fault.”
“We can’t put Shannon at risk,” Mom said. “You get impaled and two days later you’re walking around like nothing happened. That’s not even...human.”
My heart stopped when she said that. What did they think of me? Did they hate me?
“Do you think that will happen if those things had caught up to your dad or me?” Mom asked.
I got up, tears in my eyes. I had wanted to go out on my own for their safety but not like this. We hadn’t discussed it and come to the conclusion. They made the choice. They were tossing me out. Again, a third set of parents throwing me out like trash. “Fine. You want me out of the house, I’ll go. You don’t have to worry about paying for an apartment. Mr. Angel will take care of me.”
“No, you can’t just go.” Shannon grabbed my hand. “Mom, Dad, this isn’t fair.”
“We’re not throwing you out, Connor. We’re just trying to protect our family,” Dad said lamely.
“Right,” I snarled. “And you know, I was going to suggest me going, too, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be so cold and heartless. Like we could have talked about it instead of you deciding I have to go without taking me or Shannon into account.”
“You’re just children,” Mom said.
“But I’m old enough to go out on my own,” I said bitterly, turning on heel.
“You can’t go,” Shannon cried, still clinging to me.
I tore free. “You know my cell phone number, Shannon. Call me. I’m in room 410,” I said and ran out of the room. I didn’t wait for the elevator. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I slammed through the fire doors to the stair well and jumped over the edge. I caught the bannister for my floor and flipped onto the landing. I was losing the fight with my tears as I ran down the hall. I kept shoving the key card into the lock but as with most key cards it didn’t want to read. The door opened from the inside and I all but fell against Angel.
“Connor, what’s wrong?” He shut the door, putting a supporting arm around me.
I lost my strength and Angel caught me. He put me on the bed and I half dragged him with me. “They threw me out,” I sobbed.
“Oh, Connor.” Angel sat on the bed, gathering me up in his big arms.
I was crying too hard to talk. Angel just rocked me, whispering things to me that didn’t penetrate my grief. Finally I managed to get myself under control, “Why does everyone throw me away?”
Angel didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with such sadness it could swallow me whole. “I didn’t throw you away, never, Connor. Not once. I didn’t let you go the first time. You were stolen and I tried to move hell to get you back. And I all but died when I put you with the Reillys. They didn’t know what a gift they were getting.”
“The kind that leads demons to their doorstep,” I said, harshly, my fists slamming into the bedding.
He rubbed my back. “That was something I hadn’t counted on. I was hoping this life would let you go.”
I wiped at my eyes, still not quite able to stop crying. “I was going to suggest me moving out of their house and staying in an apartment at the school but...it was just the way they did it. You’re old enough now, Connor. We’ll pay for the place but you can’t come home’.”
“I’m so sorry, son.”
I sniffled. “I told them to forget it...that you’d take care of me now. So, I sure hope that’s true. I don’t want to go back to squatting.”
Angel pulled me close against him again. He kissed my forehead. “You’ll always have a place with me, Connor, for as long as you want and need it.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled into his chest. This trip had been utterly disastrous. I kept waiting for the knock on the door to come, to have my parents say it was all a mistake but it didn’t come. Eventually Angel just put me in bed, letting me lie there numbly watching cable while he called for room service. They brought hot cocoa.
“Sorry,” Angel said. “I didn’t know what else to get you...I’m not sure how to get the little alcohols out of the mini-bar.” He offered me a sheepish look. “Chocolate used to make um...”
“Your girlfriends feel better when they were upset,” I finished for him, as if I could read his mind.
He spread his hands. “Sorry. It’s the best I could do.”
“Chocolate’s good. I like chocolate,” I assured him. “They’ll come and say they’re sorry.” I looked up at the ceiling willing my parents to come down.
Eventually they did but they didn’t speak to me. They just made arrangements with Angel for times for me to come get the stuff I wanted from the house and how I could, of course, leave most of it at their place if I wanted to come back for short visits. I didn’t even listen to Angel’s answers and I didn’t join in the conservation. I just rolled over, burying my face in the pillow, weeping again. Even though I knew Angel wanted me, I felt homeless and unwanted. I knew it would take longer to heal this wound than any physical wounds I had received. Would Quor-Toth be the only home I would truly belong to? Even Angel’s love couldn’t penetrate the armor I pulled around myself. I was in a very lonely place and I didn’t know how to find my way home from there.
CHAPTER THREE - Lullaby
(dedicated to Natgel for her birthday)
On candystripe legs the spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Lullaby - The Cure
He looks so small. That though danced through my mind again and again as I stared at Connor lying in the hospital bed. I couldn’t look at the IV bag of blood flowing into my child’s arm. Absurdly, it made me feel hungry. Angelus roared inside me, just take the last few drops, it won’t take much now to kill him. I ignored my demon, gazing down at Connor who had been propped up on his uninjured side, both arms extended, looking unnatural.
I had lied to the hospital staff about being Lawrence Reilly and the hospital as so frantic with the in pouring of wounded and dead from the battle that no on bothered to check my identity. Of course now I didn’t know what to do with Connor once the boy’s superlative healing powers took over.
He has to be cold, I thought. The ICU was icy and Connor wore nothing but a hospital gown that was peeled down so the nurse could do a vitals check every fifteen minutes. Fluffy gauze with a horrid patch of brown in the center had to conceal where they had sutured up the hole in my son’s chest and back and repaired the internal damage. The dissolvable inner sutures the nurse told me about didn’t concern me. It was the ones on the outside that wouldn’t be needed soon giving the rate Connor would heal at that worried me. I studied my son. Was Connor already healing around the chest tube they had put in him? The tubing poked out just below his arm pit. Don’t look. Try not to smell the blood. Don’t even consider it.
The heart monitor beeped with a strong rhythm but even knowing Connor would live didn’t help me relax. I couldn’t think beyond the windowless cubicle that was Connor’s ‘room’ in the ICU. The portal had sealed once we killed the elder-demon but hundred of demons had escaped into the city. I should still be out there fighting in spite of being bone tired but I couldn’t leave my son. I just wished I had a better way of explaining how Connor was healing to the medical staff who were bound to ask. I knew I’d have to check the boy out of the hospital early.
All I had wanted was for Connor to have a transfusion and for a way to stop the flow of blood. I knew Connor could recover so long as he didn’t die of blood loss. The worst of it was passed now and I could worry about the hospital later. I knew the memory of Connor talking to his dead mother just before he had succumbed to his injuries would haunt me.
Connor shivered in spite of his unconscious state. I held his bone-white hand. The veins were so blue under the translucent skin. I saw a nurse hurry by. I hated stopping her, knowing how overwhelmed the hospital was. “Nurse, I know you’re very busy but he’s so cold.”
“There’s a warmer over there. Can you get your own blanket?” she asked, hurrying past as two more patients arrived.
I knew it wasn’t protocol for a visitor to help themselves but at this point I knew no one cared. The city was under siege and I should be thankful the medical staff hadn’t fled. I got a warmed blanket out of the machine. It felt toasty and reminded me of the electric blanket I used to huddle under to make myself feel more human on days I knew Buffy would be visiting the mansion.
I tucked the blanket around my son the best I could while avoiding the IVs in both arms; blood in one, saline, antibiotics and morphine pump in the other. I dodged the chest tube and the catheter tube snaking out from under the covers. Catherization was SOP with someone in Connor’s condition, or so the nurse explained but I could only imagine how much Connor would hate that when he woke up. I slipped some of the warm blanket between the pillow and Connor’s cheek. Why were hospital blankets so damn thin?
I smoothed Connor’s hair. “You’ll warm up, son, once they get some more blood into you. The nurse said you’re slated for one more unit.” I debated canceling that last unit. Connor would recover and blood was going to be a precious commodity for the next few days.
“You can’t go in there, sir,” one of the nurses said stridently.
“That’s my ruddy cousin. I want to see him.”
I got up, hearing Spike’s irate voice. “Nurse, he is family. He can come in.”
She eyed us both angrily but went back to her myriad of duties and didn’t bother telling us about the time limit on the visit. She obviously had more important things to worry about.
Spike came over and glanced at the bed. “How’s the kid?”
“He’ll live.”
“Did I actually hear him call you dad?” Spike’s eyebrows lifted.
“It’s a very long story.”
Spike snorted. “I bet.” He sat on the floor since the ICU wasn’t exactly equipped for visitations. “Damn, we did it.”
I laughed bitterly. “I have no idea how. We should still be out there. It’s not over, not for you or me.” I got up.
“Sit, Peaches. You stay with the kid. He needs you more than we do,” Spike said, an uncharacteristically gentle look on his face.
I collapsed back gratefully. “Thanks Spike. Where’s Illyria?”
“Out fighting.”
“You and I should be with her.”
Spike shook his head. “I know you’re rattled Angel but think for a second.”
I stared then I realized what Spike meant. The ICU might be dim but outside the sun would be brightening things up. “You and I are sidelined. But to leave Illyria with all those demons...hell yesterday I would have said she might have joined them.”
“Yesterday Wesley was alive,” Spike said grimly. “I think she felt something for him.”
I wondered not for the first time what Spike felt about Fred and now Illyria. I wasn’t ready to know. “I shouldn’t be sitting here. I should get back out there. Too many demons escaped,” I said, not wanting to leave my son alone.
“You have bigger worries.” Spike jerked a thumb back at the bed. “And the calvary has arrived.”
“What?” My eyes widened. “Slayers?”
“Giles used the telepathic trick he and Willow had devised back when Buffy was dead. I guess he knows my brain waves or whatever so he contacted me instead of you. He’s dispatched every Slayer he could here which is damn near all of them. I saw a couple of them. I guess Giles told them to come looking for us. I introduce Blue to them. Hopefully they’re all playing nice.” A ghost of smile moved across Spike’s lips.
“Buffy? Faith?” I didn’t dare hope for that. I actually preferred it if they weren’t coming. I wasn’t sure I could handle it at this point.
Spike shook his head. “All he said was they were unavailable. I’ll call him and give him an update since I’m about useless at this point.”
“No cell phones allowed in here,” I said quickly, looking at the wires attached to Connor’s chest.
“I saw the signs, Peaches, and my cell is long gone. Hope this place has an opening to the sewers. There might be something to kill down there.” Spike stretched. “Or maybe I’ll just sleep in the basement.”
“Sleep,” I said the word like a novena. I felt like I could sleep until Connor turned thirty.
“Yeah, I think so.” Spike struggled up. “You keep an eye on your kid. The Slayers have the situation handled. Come night and he’s still not out of the woods, you stay here and I’ll fight the good fight.”
I looked at him with relief. “Thanks, Spike. He’s all alone. I don’t want him to wake up that way.”
“Stay.” Spike started to leave. “Angel, I took a chance and asked around. This is where the kid brought Gunn.”
Gunn, I had nearly forgotten him or more appropriately had assumed Connor was way too late and my friend was beyond worrying about. I couldn’t keep the abashed look off my face. “I’ll check on him.” I ran a hand through my blood-encrusted hair. What did the nurses think of me sitting here still covered in gore. “Meet me back here if you can at sundown and we’ll make plans for helping the Slayers if they still need it.”
Spike nodded and headed out. I couldn’t tell the other vampire how grateful he was for the offer to put himself on the line so I didn’t have to. I cast a long glance at my son. Connor, judging from his breathing was still in a deep sleep. I might be able to spare a few minutes to see if I could find Gunn. He was probably right here in the surgical ICU with Connor.
I went outside of the three curtains that cordoned off Connor’s ‘room’ and started to look for Gunn. The nurses were too busy to notice me. I finally found my friend, stunned to see that he was alive but I didn’t know how much longer that would last. Gunn’s wounds were obviously severe and he didn’t have Connor’s healing abilities. I picked up the clipboard on the edge of the bed and pretended the medical shorthand made sense to me. From my angle at the end of the bed, I slowly realized something was really wrong in the way the blankets fell over Gunn’s body.
I glanced around but no one was anywhere near me. I flipped the blanket back careful, my stomach dropping. Gunn’s right leg was gone below the knee. The dark skin ended in a mass of white gauze intricately taped to his thigh. I let the blanket fall back. I touched Gunn’s arm. “I’m so sorry, Charles.”
Gunn didn’t respond and I didn’t expect him to with that horrible tube taped over his face and no doubt penetrated down his throat to help him breathe. I would try to talk to the nurses about Gunn’s condition but not today, not with all the insanity raging outside these walls. I’d make them understand that I was all Gunn had and that was true. Gunn had no family and me, Spike, Illyria, Connor, and Lorne were all the friends he had left. Lorne? I wondered where he might be. Would he ever want to see us again?
I headed back for Connor’s bedside. A nurse stopped me with a set of surgical scrubs in her hands. “Mr. Reilly, there’s nothing you can do for him now.”
“I don’t want him to be alone.”
“I understand sir, but really we shouldn’t let you be in here. You’re a walking OSHA infraction.” She nodded to my blood-stained clothes. “There’s a shower room we use for the patients at the end of the hall. You can put these on.” She handed me the scrubs and a red plastic bag. “Put your clothes in there and we can dispose of them for you if you want.”
I sighed and nodded. “Thank you.”
I showered quickly or at least that was my intent but once the hot water started hitting me, running red with blood, I stayed there for a long time. The water took away some of the ache in my body but not in my heart. My son nearly died. What if something went wrong now like a blood clot to his brain? I couldn’t survive losing Connor for good. I hit my knees on the tiled floor, weeping until there was nothing left inside me and the water had gone cold.
Dressed in the scrubs, which felt odd since I was unused to loose-fitting, sloppy clothes especially sans underwear, I went back into the ICU and surrendered the red bag of my clothing. There was nothing in there that was salvageable. I sat back in my chair, which had been cleaned and reeked of antiseptic. Connor was still unconscious. I shut my eyes trying not to picture my son cradled against me, dark blood flowing out of him in rivers.
My head jerked as a sound reached my ears. I had fallen asleep. From the feel of the sun I had been asleep for hours. The strange sound that had awoken me was Connor groaning in his sleep. My son thrashed a bit on the bed, apparently caught in a bad dream. I caught his hands before Connor accidently ripped out a tube that he needed. I squeezed my son’s icy fingers. “Connor, it’s okay. You’re safe now. It’s all over.”
Connor moaned again, tears leaking out from under his eyelids and I debated hitting the call button for the nurse. Suddenly Connor’s eyes flew open and he gasped. I let go of one of his hands so I could cup Connor’s chin.
“It’s okay, Connor. You’re safe.”
Connor shuddered, groaning. “I was home...they were stalking me. I was just a little boy...they had eaten you and Father...had your heads on sticks.”
“Shhhh.” I stroked his hair. “It was just a nightmare.”
Connor’s blue eyes fastened on me. “We’re not dead?”
I smiled faintly. “We’re in the hospital. Well, you are. I was sitting vigil.”
Connor sighed. “I saw her...mom...wasn’t a dream.”
“Maybe you really did see her,” I said, knowing there were reams of lore about the dead visiting the dying. “Don’t worry about that now, Connor. You just rest.”
“You didn’t...call,” he paused, licking his lips obviously having trouble getting his breath.
“The Reillys? No. You said they were in Vegas.”
Connor nodded. “Luxor. Don’t tell them...they’ll worry.”
“They’ll worry if they don’t hear. I’ll think of something. You let me worry about that.” I pulled The chair closer so I could rest my weary body and remain close. “The nurses think I’m Mr. Reilly.”
Connor smiled. “Angel Reilly.”
“Liam, actually,” I said softly and my son’s blue eyes fastening on me in confusion. “That’s my real name, Liam.”
“Oh.” Connor winced. “It hurts so much.”
“I’m sure. You were hurt very badly, Connor.” I fumbled for the morphine pump button and pressed it. “You were impaled.”
“Ummm, something’s burning in my arm. What did you just do?”
I put the controller back in the bed. “Morphine. You just push this button when you start hurting.”
“My first high courtesy of Dad.” Connor made a noise that might have been a wheezy laugh.
I smirked. “Not funny but it’s there for you to use if you need it. I’ll probably have to check you out of here by tonight or tomorrow before they see how fast you’re healing.”
Connor tried to lift the covers so I helped him. “My legs were torn up.”
“The doctor’s stitched you back together,” I said seeing Connor’s eyes going wide. “Oh, they had to put in a catheter. You might not want to mess with that.”
Connor’s mouth twisted. “You think?”
“The nurse said it was no big deal.”
“Easy for you...you don’t have a garden hose shoved up you.”
I winced in spite of myself. “They said it would come out when you regained consciousness and could...you know on your own.”
Connor shivered. “I’m cold.”
“I know. I don’t think there’re any more warm blankets. There’re too many patients.” I tucked the blankets back down. “I could go out and get you something...only it’s day and there’re still demons out in the city. The Slayers have arrived.”
“Faith?” There was a hopeful look on Connor’s face but I saw the morphine was kicking in. Connor’s eyes were going hazy.
“Not yet. Sleep, Connor. You shouldn’t be talking so much.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”
I patted his hand. “You did listen. You left only they followed you. I’m glad you didn’t put your adopted family at risk and while I’m not glad you were in that battle I am glad at the same time, if that makes sense. I’m not sure I would have survived if I didn’t have you to fight for.”
Connor smiled and mumbled something but it made no sense.
“Quit fighting sleep, Connor. We can talk later. You need to get your strength back.”
“Afraid...the nightmares, I always have them.”
“They won’t get you, Connor. I’m right here. Nothing is going to hurt you while I’m here,” I said vehemently.
Connor smiled, his fingers curling around mine. “Fought so many monsters...and I’m afraid of dreams.”
“I’d sing you a lullaby to keep them away like my mom used to do for me,” I said then smiled wryly. “Only my singing is more frightening than nightmares.”
Connor made the wheezy noise again, his fingers starting to slid out of mine. He was asleep before I tucked that hand back under the covers. I kissed my son’s forehead. “Rest easy, Connor.”
I settled back in to take up my vigil again, though somewhat lighter of heart now that I had heard my son’s voice again. It made me feel as if things would be all right.
CHAPTER FOUR - Homesick
(dedicated to Ragna for the holiday wishlist)
Oh just one more and i'll walk away
All the everything you win turns to nothing today
So just one more just one more go inspire in me
The desire in me to never go home
Homesick - The Cure
“I don’t see why I can’t drive,” I groused as Angel sped through the desert. Man, Dad had an immensely cool car and I was aching to get behind the wheel. Was this one of the things he had programmed into me? A love of cars? Whatever, it was overwhelming my anxiety about this trip.
“Because you should still be in the hospital. You’re weak,” Angel replied, his eyes not leaving the road. I could hear the worry though.
It was hard to argue that. I scratched at the scar on my chest. The stitches had backed out yesterday, only two days after I had been hurt and they itched terribly. I felt wobbly but I wasn’t going to tell Dad that. He’d have me all bundled up in bed, tucked in too tight to move and would probably try to spoon feed me or something. For a centuries old fiend, he could be a total mother hen. “I can drive.”
“I can see how anemic you still are,” Angel answered, glancing over at me. The worry in his eyes was five times stronger than what had been in his voice.
“I’m fine.” I needed him to believe that. He might cancel the trio otherwise. I was not used to being coddled. Oh, I remembered my ‘mom’ doing it but I knew that wasn’t real. Holtz might have loved me but he had not been a nurturer. “Why can’t I drive?”
Dad smirked at me. “This is a GTO and I don’t want you to put it in a ditch.”
“Ah, that’s the real reason,” I snorted. He wanted to play with the muscle car and wasn’t about to share. “I don’t think there are any ditches, Dad. It’s flat and boring here. Where’d you get a GTO anyhow?”
“Wolfram and Hart. I knew the end was coming. We funneled money into Swiss bank accounts and I moved the car collection.” Angel sounded extraordinarily pleased with himself.
“Damn, you robbed them. Good for you,” I hooted. Hey, having a vampire dad might pay off finally with those dubious vampire morals. “But I can drive, you know. I had a Nova until the dragon crushed it. I can handle a GTO.”
Angel snorted. “Please, you only think someone taught you to drive. I’ve been driving since cars were invented.”
“That’s just creepy,” I squirmed around. GTO’s might be fast and fun but they weren’t particularly comfortable, especially as sore as I still was. Damn, I’m worrying about my comfort after everything that had just happened. I thought about what we had left behind in L.A. “Maybe we should have put this trip off. Not because of me,” I added hurriedly before he could get a full head of steam in the worrying department. “We should be helping out.”
“We’re not needed,” Angel said. “The Slayers, Spike, and Illyria are hunting down the last of the demons. Anne is watching out for Gunn. He’ll be in the hospital for some time.” Angel paused for a moment and I know we were both thinking about the hard road Gunn had in front of him, learning to walk again with an artificial leg, if it came to that. Wolfram and Hart had mystic healers but there was no Wolfram and Hart left in L.A. Of course, there was not much left of Wolfram and Hart but maybe a healer or two made it. I think Dad knew other such healers, but the thing was finding a donor leg. No one really wanted to think about that, especially Gunn. “And the funeral for Wesley won’t be for another few days until the Watchers who arranged for most everything could make it. Your parents have to be wondering how you are, especially with it being all over the news about the so-called terrorist attacks in L.A. Your mother sounded very stressed when I spoke to her yesterday.”
I looked at him. How much did it hurt him to talk about my fake parents as if they really were related to me? What would happen if I went back with them? Did I even want to? I think I already knew the answer and it hurt. “They’re really going to freak when they start getting bills for whatever the insurance doesn’t cover and see major surgery on the forms,” I said then sighed. “Thanks for coming with me to Vegas.”
“I couldn’t let you go yourself,” he replied softly. He sounded so fragile and I couldn’t handle that.
“Still, I appreciate it. I know this can’t be easy for you,” I said, glancing out the side window so I wouldn’t have to look at his expression. I could hear him shifting around, probably to make eye contact.
He touched my shoulder. “I would do anything for you, you know that.”
There was too much pain in his voice. I couldn’t look at him. “I know. I just wanted you to know...that it means a lot to me.” Why was it so damn hard to be nice to him? I could spew hateful things easily. Telling him that I did care, should it be this hard?
“I know it does.”
I shifted in my seat, reaching for the old radio, figuring I wouldn’t find a decent station. I was just desperate to find a change of subject. I winced as I moved. I pulled at my jeans, trying to find extra room over the damaged leg and in the groin area.
“Problem?” There was that worry again.
I sat back, giving up. “Parts of me haven’t forgiven you for allowing that catheter,” I grumbled and it actually was pretty tender still.
“Allowing? What made you think I had a choice?” Angel sounded vaguely amused.
“When it comes to that, there should be a choice.” I tugged at my jeans again. Wearing boxers was helping some but even with the baggy jeans, I was still uncomfortable.
“I think your choices were the hose or dying of toxin build ups,” Angel replied.
“We’ll see how cavalier you are about it when it’s your turn.” I made a face. “Of course, it won’t ever be your turn unless you really piss off someone and they decide to have a little fun and where’d I learn a word like cavalier?”
“The spell no doubt and your idea of fun makes me shudder,” Angel said.
I laughed. “I bet you’re glad now that I didn’t know what a catheter was back when I took that taser to you.” Oh shit, why did I go and say something like that? I meant it to be funny and it wasn’t.
“I doubt you would have done it,” Angel said, dodging a coyote that shot out across the desert highway.
I’m glad he does, because I don’t. I hated him that much back then. Well, maybe I would have let Justine do it. She would have liked to inflict some pain on him. “I’m glad you have faith that I’m less evil than I am,” I muttered.
Angel braked the car hard and pulled off on the shoulder. He killed the engine and put one of those monstrous hands of his on my arm. He forced me to look at him. “You are a lot of things Connor, but you are not evil. I know evil. I’ve been it and you are not evil.”
I caught my bottom lip between my teeth, biting hard, trying to hold back the rush of emotion. I will not break down here. “Then how do you explain some of the things I’ve done?”
“You were pulled about and manipulated by Cordelia and deceived. We all were, by the thing controlling her.”
“Our daughter,” I whispered, not wanting to think about it.
“She wasn’t, Connor, not really. I don’t know how to explain it. Jasmine never was what you thought she was.” His hand moved up to my shoulder and I flinched, expecting the hurt to follow the touch since that’s all we ever really did to each other. He pulled away, seeming to realize it. “This isn’t the time or place to have this conversation. We will have it, if you want, if it’s not too much for you but maybe it should wait until you’re stronger.”
I rubbed a hand over my eyes trying to dash away the few tears I hadn’t been able to control. “I think waiting is good.”
Angel started the engine. “I think you were manipulated and got caught in the switches by Holtz, by the expectations of our friends and by me. There were so many things I did wrong and I know it. There’s a hardness in you but growing up where you did, that was needed for survival but that’s not evil. It’s why I had Vail do that spell. I wouldn’t have done it if I believed you were evil. Part of me wishes the Orlon Window was never broken.”
“And part of you is glad to have me back?” I knew he was but I needed to hear him say it.
“I never wanted to let you go, Connor, but I didn’t see any other way. Do you remember anything about the mall? I know you said it was all like a bad dream.” Angel paused as he pulled back out on the highway. You lied, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I knew it was what you wanted to hear.” I glanced over at him. “And I figured something bad was happening. I thought that might be the last time I saw you and I knew you needed to believe that I’d be okay.”
“And if you’re not okay, I want us to be able to talk about it before it gets too bad that it can’t be fixed,” Angel said and I could hear his worry. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to relive that horrible homicidal-suicidal moment, even if it would haunt me forever. If I got too far down, Angel might not be able to save me.
“I’ll try.” I took a deep breath. “Part of me is sad that the Window broke because I’ve lost something that I’ll never get back. But mostly I’m glad it did. I know, deep down, this life, hunting demons, it would have come for me ... it did come for me and I nearly died because I didn’t know myself. My family almost died because hiding me with normals didn’t fool the enemy. I might have lost something but it left a lasting impact.”
I saw his chest heave. I think he was probably thinking the same thing as me: ‘Don’t let me cry now.’ He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’m glad of that, Connor.”
“I know you’re worried about me, about what’s going on in my head and I’m pretty okay, you know?” I asked and actually I really was.
“Good.”
We fell silent for a little while. I did more shifting around in the seat, willing that part of my body to hurry up and heal. The leg hurt too, but for some reason even though my leg was hurt much worse than my penis, the latter was in far more pain. If I ever have to have a tube shoved up me again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Finally, the silence grew too heavy. I looked over at Dad. “Tell me what happened to Fred.” That might be dangerous ground but I had to know.
“She was murdered by Knox when he selected her to be host to an ancient demon, one of the old ones, pure demon, not like me,” he said flatly, trying to distance himself from the emotion.
I thought about that. “Closer to what I used to fight in Quor-Toth?”
He gripped the steering wheel so tight I thought he’d break it. “I would guess that’s about right. We tried to save her of course, but we were too late.”
“And you couldn’t kill her? I mean, if she’s pure demon...” I cracked my knuckles nervously.
“We tried. You saw how hard it is to kill her but we did manage to destroy Illyria’s power base. She can’t really take over the world now...and I’m not sure she actually wants to any more,” Angel said slowly.
“But you don’t know?” I asked, a little afraid of the answer.
He shook his head. “She doesn’t have the power and I think Wes started humanizing her. Spike, too. She’s...lost. She needs us. If she didn’t, she would have thrown in with Blackthorn.”
I mulled that over. “I sure hope you’re right.” I went back to looking out the window. “It’s what you were trying to do with Jasmine,” I added softly. He didn’t answer but I heard him shifting around as uncomfortable as I was. “It wouldn’t have worked with her.”
“You’re right,” he replied but I knew what he meant: ‘We’ll never know.’
I slid back into that moody silence and Angel let me go. He was doing the same thing. We were alike in so many ways that I didn’t like to think about it. I had more I wanted to ask him about but I wasn’t ready to know. Like where was Cordelia? Still in a coma? Dead? Moved on?
“I know I’ve never told you I’ve been to Vegas before,” Angel said, venturing into safer waters. “I mean before we went and rescued Lorne that time.”
That got my attention. “You don’t look like a Vegas type.”
“I loved the place. Want to hear about the time I spent with Bugsy Siegel?” He grinned at me.
I snorted. “You did not hang out with a mobster.”
“I did so,” Angel said indignantly.
I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess that would make sense for an evil vampire.”
“I wasn’t evil at the time,” Angel replied.
“Then why were you hanging out with a criminal?” I asked even though I was sure I didn’t want to know the answer.
He paused, looking at me like he had never thought about it that way. Dad launched into the whole story which killed time until the city came into view. I’m not sure if I bought it all but it made for a good story. Angel looked actually excited to be in the city, an expression I’m not sure I had ever seen on his face before. It made me nervous. His was not a face made for happiness.
“You’re going to love Vegas, son. We’ll have to come back when you can enjoy it,” he said, avoiding the topic we both weren’t ready for. What to do with my worried parents, how to keep them safe and would they be okay if I suggested moving out to my own place? I was considering that in order to protect them.
“Yeah like in a few years.” I snorted.
“I don’t think it’ll take that long for us to get back on our feet.” He made a face. “Maybe it will all things considered.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I sat up, digging in my pocket, wincing at the movement. Damn, just heal already will you. Getting pierced back to chest seemed to hurt less than that stupid catheter, surely that had to be psychological. I opened my wallet. “Now this fake i.d. says I’m twenty-one. It’s good enough to get me into college bars that don’t look so close. It wouldn’t last five seconds here. I’m not old enough to get on the casino floors, Dad and I don’t look close enough to fake it.”
“Oh, yeah.” He grinned sheepishly. “I forgot.”
“Not everyone is older than dirt.”
“I’m not older than dirt. Your mother was older than me,” he protested.
“You’ll have to tell me about her sometime,” I said softly. I did want to know, I decided. She was my mother and I deserved to know something more than what Holtz had told me. I had spoken to Mom...maybe, I still didn’t know if that had been her ghost or a spell or what. I didn’t like thinking about that moment in time at any rate. “Can you find the Luxor?”
“A big pyramid shaped building?” Angel smirked. “I think I can cope.”
Easier said then done as it turned out, with all the traffic. Dad checked into one of Wolfram and Hart’s standing rooms in the hotel and we opted to truck our own scant luggage to the room to the chagrin of the bell hops. We wondered if it was safe to use th firm’s rooms but probably anything still looking for us wouldn’t think Vegas.
“Maybe we should have got separate rooms. That clerk was looking at you like you should know to take your dirty pedophilic activities to a scum bag hotel,” I said.
“I noticed. I thought about telling her we were related but I figured it wouldn’t do any good,” Angel said as we rode up the ‘inclinator’ a special elevator that rose at a strange angle.
“Probably not.”
The suite was gorgeous. I flopped down on the bed nearest the window, exhausted more than I wanted Angel to know. “Dad, I think I should rest a little before I try to find Mom and Dad.”
“I was going to suggest that,” Angel said as I picked up the ‘perks’ package up off the night stand.
I flipped through it listlessly too tired to actually sleep if that made sense. “Oooo.”
Angel looked up from unpacking. “What?”
“Midnight Fantasy, the Luxor’s topless club.” I tapped the brochure.
Angel plucked the paperwork out of my hands. “Not twenty-one, remember?”
“Damn.” I pouted.
“I, on the other hand, am an adult.” Angel’s eyes widened. “Forty dollars.”
“Going to cheap out?” I smirked at him.
“I’ve seen enough boobs in my life I don’t need to pay forty dollars to see more.” A horrified look passed over his face. “Did I just say that?”
I laughed. “Yes. Pervert.”
He glared at me. “Here, Games of the Gods, a two-story arcade. That’ll keep you busy.”
“Now if only we were here for fun,” I sighed, stretching out. “At least you won’t keep me awake snoring since I’m assuming no breathing means no snoring.”
“No snoring,” Angel assured me.
“Good.” I turned on the cable and was out cold before I could even think about the real reason we were here.
* * *
I woke up feeling stiff and cotton-mouthed like I had been at a kegger. I didn’t have to be told that was a residual of the blood loss I was still recovering from. I could let on how bad I was still feeling or Angel would freak. I got up and glanced over. He was asleep. I watched him for a few long moments until I creeped myself out. He didn’t move, didn’t breathe and that’s when it sank in that my father was an animated corpse with a demon inside. I mean, I’ve always known it but this brought it home painfully.
I peeked outside. The sun was shining. Damn, how long had I been asleep? I had only meant to catch a half-hour nap. I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly noon. Sheesh, I guess my body had needed the rest more than I knew. I went into the bathroom and glared at the toilet like it was responsible for the burning pain I knew was about to come. My body really needed to stop messing around and just heal that part of me. To hell with my damaged lung, torso and leg. I just wanted my dick to stop hurting. Good luck with that, it seemed.
I smelled sour, just ever so slightly. I never knew if it would be perceptible to others since their sense of smell was so inferior but I’d rather not risk it. I fished out my body wash and shampoo and jumped into the shower. There hadn’t been time to be picky and find something non-girlie at the store. In packing to go, I had just grabbed the cheapest stuff off the shelf at Wal-Mart and tossed it in the car. Now I was stuck with Vo5's Strawberries and Cream shampoo and my hair smelled like Strawberry Quick. The scent made my mind flash back to being six years old and getting yelled at by mom because I was picking out the crunch berries from my cereal and refusing to eat the boring chunks of cereal.
It was like a blow to the gut. It was a false memory. It never happened. When I was six I was playing Holtz’s game of tying me to a tree and running off on me so I’d have to track him through hell. The one curse of my dual memories was while they granted me some peace, they also destroyed the underpinning of my former life. I had been happy in Quor-Toth. I thought my life was normal and now I knew how screwed up it really was. That was hard and I wasn’t sure if I should tell Angel. It would just hurt him to know it.
When I got out of the shower, he was awake, watching the TV. He glanced up at me as I started to get dressed. I heard him slide out of bed before I felt his cool coarse fingers on my back. He examined the wound. I looked over my shoulder at him. “How’s it look?”
“Good, all things considering.” He went back to the bed, sitting on the bedspread that looked like someone had put Lorne in his best brightest suit in a blender and used the puree as dye. “Do you want me to go with you to meet the Reillys?”
I shook my head. I did want the support but this was something better done alone. “I can handle my parents. I’ll tell them you’re here though, if that’s okay.”
He nodded. “Of course. Do you want me to wait here for you?”
“It’s day,” I said unnecessarily.
“I know but I’m not tired. If you need me to stay here in case something goes wrong, I will. If not, I’ll go down to the casino floor. There’s very few windows. They don’t want you knowing what time of day it is,” he said and I tried to picture him playing the slots and failed.
“You gamble?” I asked, figuring I ought to know something about my dad. I mean, I knew next to nothing and maybe that was part of our problem.
“Some. I used to gamble a lot when I was mortal. It was...” He made a face. “An unattractive quality, one of my many. I keep it under control.”
“Some day you’ll have to tell me about being mortal, growing up when and where you did,” I said and his face practically glowed.
“You want to know?” He sounded so desperate I felt bad for him. There was something raw and needy about the way he needed me to believe he loved me.
I pulled on my shirt. “I don’t know anything about you except what Holtz told me. I don’t know why you aren’t evil still. I don’t know why you have friends and I have no idea what you were like when you were still alive or how you died. I think I ought to know something.”
He smiled. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Only not now,” I said, wondering if that’s what I’d be saying from here on out. Even though I wanted to know, I understood that once I let him into my life there’d be no going back if I didn’t like what I discovered. “I really should track down mom and dad.”
“Go on. Maybe I should stay here, just in case you need me,” he said looking a bit morose. “I can watch cable.”
“I’m sure nothing will blow up in the first half hour or so, if you want to go downstairs for a little while. You’re going to get bored just sitting here,” I replied.
He smiled again. “Don’t worry about me.”
I nodded and went up two floors. I knew where mom and dad were staying. I should have called them first to be sure they were there. I was just too nervous for thought. They were going to be so worried. The ‘terrorist’ activity in L.A. had been bombarded on every news station for days and while my parents knew I was okay, they hadn’t known I was injured. I had told them I was leaving for Las Vegas but had fallen asleep before I told them I was in town. What if they weren’t even here?
I knocked on the door and almost immediately the locks were thrown. Mom stood there for a moment then grabbed me in a hug, crying. I tried not to wince as she crushed my tender chest. Dad put his arms around us both dragging me into the room. Shannon jumped on me, her tears hot against my back. No one talked for the longest time. Finally I wormed free. I still wasn’t all that comfortable in tight embraces. Even though I remembered growing up with these people, I remembered better growing up hard, with sparse hugs from Father and the betraying touch of Cordelia.
“I’m so glad you got here safely,” I said, sinking onto the bed.
“When did you get to town?” Mom asked. “Why didn’t you call us?”
“I got here a few hours ago and I sat down to call you and fell asleep,” I admitted. “Sorry.”
“How did you get away from those...things?” my sister asked, Shannon’s eyes were bigger than her head.
“It wasn’t easy but you know me...what I can do,” I said slowly, seeing the pain in my sister’s face when I mentioned my abilities.
“Nothing’s been the same since that van hit you,” Mom said bitterly, sitting beside me.
“Colleen,” Dad said sharply, touching Mom’s shoulder.
“It’s true.” She looked at me. “I’m sorry, Connor. I know it’s not your fault but ever since then these....creatures...these horrible things keep coming after us.”
“Demons, Mom. They’re demons,” I said, a cold feeling griping me. Something was wrong.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Dad said, shaking his head slowly.
“You’ve seen them, Dad. Got hurt by them,” I reminded him. Were they trying to pretend these things hadn’t happened. “You saw what I did in the desert.”
“I don’t know how we got away,” Shannon said, sitting next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.
I put my arm around my little sister. “They followed me away from you.”
“They were following you, period,” Mom said harshly, shocking me.
I stared at her. It was true but it hurt hearing it laid out like that. “That’s not my fault.”
“I didn’t say it was but this is twice in the space a few months these things have threatened our family,” Mom said.
“And what happened in L.A....it was them, wasn’t it?” Dad asked, pacing the room.
I nodded. “Yeah. We stopped them but it was hard. Some of Mr. Angel’s people were killed and badly hurt.”
“Mr. Angel.” Dad stopped, looking at me. “You met him again? I know he called from the hospital.”
“I drove here with him. My car is toast,” I said regretfully.
“You weren’t hurt bad though, right?” Shannon asked, looking at me as if I were suddenly made of glass.
“I got hurt,” I admitted. “You’ll be hearing from the hospital...there was surgery involved.”
“Surgery?” Mom’s voice shrilled. “I hate this.”
“Who okayed surgery? Why didn’t anyone call us?” Dad asked, looking so helpless.
“I told them not to. Mr. Angel kinda pretended he was you. I know that’s a bad thing but it was easier that way. I didn’t want to scare you.” I shrugged. “I guess he can pay if the insurance doesn’t want to because of that. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I heal real fast.”
“You look okay,” Shannon said., as if she didn’t quite believe me.“Was it bad?”
I lifted my shirt. “I got impaled but I’m okay now.”
“Impaled?” Shannon’s hand shook as she touched my chest just below the red, angry scar.
“What are you?” Mom jumped up. “I can’t have it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, dreading it. I knew what was coming. The light at the end of the tunnel was the train about to run me down. I had come here thinking I would suggest me putting distance between me and my faux family but I wasn’t going to get the chance. I saw the axe swinging and there was no time to dodge.
“Mom?” Shannon looked up at her questioningly.
Dad took Mom’s hand. “We’ve been talking about this since we got here. You’re old enough to have your own place, Connor. We’ll pay for it, of course, but we think...we can’t have you at home.”
“No!” Shannon cried, clutching at me protectively. “It’s not his fault.”
“We can’t put Shannon at risk,” Mom said. “You get impaled and two days later you’re walking around like nothing happened. That’s not even...human.”
My heart stopped when she said that. What did they think of me? Did they hate me?
“Do you think that will happen if those things had caught up to your dad or me?” Mom asked.
I got up, tears in my eyes. I had wanted to go out on my own for their safety but not like this. We hadn’t discussed it and come to the conclusion. They made the choice. They were tossing me out. Again, a third set of parents throwing me out like trash. “Fine. You want me out of the house, I’ll go. You don’t have to worry about paying for an apartment. Mr. Angel will take care of me.”
“No, you can’t just go.” Shannon grabbed my hand. “Mom, Dad, this isn’t fair.”
“We’re not throwing you out, Connor. We’re just trying to protect our family,” Dad said lamely.
“Right,” I snarled. “And you know, I was going to suggest me going, too, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be so cold and heartless. Like we could have talked about it instead of you deciding I have to go without taking me or Shannon into account.”
“You’re just children,” Mom said.
“But I’m old enough to go out on my own,” I said bitterly, turning on heel.
“You can’t go,” Shannon cried, still clinging to me.
I tore free. “You know my cell phone number, Shannon. Call me. I’m in room 410,” I said and ran out of the room. I didn’t wait for the elevator. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I slammed through the fire doors to the stair well and jumped over the edge. I caught the bannister for my floor and flipped onto the landing. I was losing the fight with my tears as I ran down the hall. I kept shoving the key card into the lock but as with most key cards it didn’t want to read. The door opened from the inside and I all but fell against Angel.
“Connor, what’s wrong?” He shut the door, putting a supporting arm around me.
I lost my strength and Angel caught me. He put me on the bed and I half dragged him with me. “They threw me out,” I sobbed.
“Oh, Connor.” Angel sat on the bed, gathering me up in his big arms.
I was crying too hard to talk. Angel just rocked me, whispering things to me that didn’t penetrate my grief. Finally I managed to get myself under control, “Why does everyone throw me away?”
Angel didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with such sadness it could swallow me whole. “I didn’t throw you away, never, Connor. Not once. I didn’t let you go the first time. You were stolen and I tried to move hell to get you back. And I all but died when I put you with the Reillys. They didn’t know what a gift they were getting.”
“The kind that leads demons to their doorstep,” I said, harshly, my fists slamming into the bedding.
He rubbed my back. “That was something I hadn’t counted on. I was hoping this life would let you go.”
I wiped at my eyes, still not quite able to stop crying. “I was going to suggest me moving out of their house and staying in an apartment at the school but...it was just the way they did it. You’re old enough now, Connor. We’ll pay for the place but you can’t come home’.”
“I’m so sorry, son.”
I sniffled. “I told them to forget it...that you’d take care of me now. So, I sure hope that’s true. I don’t want to go back to squatting.”
Angel pulled me close against him again. He kissed my forehead. “You’ll always have a place with me, Connor, for as long as you want and need it.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled into his chest. This trip had been utterly disastrous. I kept waiting for the knock on the door to come, to have my parents say it was all a mistake but it didn’t come. Eventually Angel just put me in bed, letting me lie there numbly watching cable while he called for room service. They brought hot cocoa.
“Sorry,” Angel said. “I didn’t know what else to get you...I’m not sure how to get the little alcohols out of the mini-bar.” He offered me a sheepish look. “Chocolate used to make um...”
“Your girlfriends feel better when they were upset,” I finished for him, as if I could read his mind.
He spread his hands. “Sorry. It’s the best I could do.”
“Chocolate’s good. I like chocolate,” I assured him. “They’ll come and say they’re sorry.” I looked up at the ceiling willing my parents to come down.
Eventually they did but they didn’t speak to me. They just made arrangements with Angel for times for me to come get the stuff I wanted from the house and how I could, of course, leave most of it at their place if I wanted to come back for short visits. I didn’t even listen to Angel’s answers and I didn’t join in the conservation. I just rolled over, burying my face in the pillow, weeping again. Even though I knew Angel wanted me, I felt homeless and unwanted. I knew it would take longer to heal this wound than any physical wounds I had received. Would Quor-Toth be the only home I would truly belong to? Even Angel’s love couldn’t penetrate the armor I pulled around myself. I was in a very lonely place and I didn’t know how to find my way home from there.
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Date: 2006-06-04 12:42 am (UTC)& OUch to poor Gunn, hope they find him a donner leg soon.
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Date: 2006-06-04 02:20 am (UTC)