The Elephant in a Bikini award
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessOr as I like to call it the immediately disqualified story since not only am I mod who can't resist a challenge, I can't keep to a word count limit to save my soul. So yeah, it's long.
Funeral of Hearts
D M Evans
Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. I don’t make a profit
Pairing - various combinations of Roy/Riza/Maes/Gracia, and Roy/OC (nonconsensual)
Rating - Nc-17 (majority of the story is only R)
Time Line - Post Ishbal a few months spoilers for 57-61
Summary - Secrets of Ishbal are revealed to Roy on the heels of a painful visit from someone who brutalized him while in the desert. Roy does not cope well
Author’s Note #1 - Contains references to rape, suicide, torture and has foursome sex. The rape is not seen but is discussed so take that as a warning, those sensitive to such topics and was written for the Everybody Wins challenge at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fma_ot4, challenge lyrics at the end
Author’s Note #2 - This story is in the AU universe created by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
evil_little_dog with her story Marking Time and Seeking Comfort, plus a third story not yet posted. Thanks for letting me play in your AU ELD and thanks for the quickie beta. All things relating to the Marking Time AU can be found here All Things Marking Time Related
Chapter One
The burn of whiskey was somehow comforting in a way that disturbed Roy as he ignored the bartender’s critical look over his rate of consumption. He didn’t want to depend on something to get him numb just so he could live with himself. Roy knew where that led. Did any burg not have a tormented town drunk? He had seen the psychiatric wards of the hospitals in Central where he was stationed waiting for reassignment. He knew people within those walls. Roy didn’t want to be like them. He could see himself becoming a drunk, fracturing into insanity, to escape his own haunted mind. It wouldn’t be hard to just get lost. Who would miss him?
A bitterness welled up in him. That had been his most selfish thought in a while and he’d been thinking many self-centered, self-pitying thoughts lately. Riza and Maes would be devastated if he were gone. Maybe even Gracia, too. Roy knew he was loved but these months since their return from Ishbal, it was hard to believe it. He had perpetrated so many inhumane acts, hiding behind the shield of orders, that he no longer loved or even liked himself. It made the love he received from others impossible to believe. It felt tainted as if he poisoned everything he touched.
The whiskey called to him and he invited it in, the wash of it sweetly burning down his throat. Roy stiffened, not from the delicate pain but from a sudden touch on the back of his neck; cool and metallic, whispering over his flesh until the touch changed into a more socially acceptable manly clasp of his shoulder, a mockery of sensuality.
“Didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”
The voice was incredibly soft. Roy almost lost it to the hum of the bar’s patrons. The sibilant tones made his body tighten in fear. Roy hated fearing anything or anyone but this was his nugget of dread. It had only been a few weeks since the last time he had stumbled across Sherman in a bar. That encountered had left him unmanned, drunk and begging for Maes to come rescue him. In Ishbal, Sherman had turned Roy into nothing, a no one, a toy for him to break. In the desert, Roy’s pride kept him from giving Sherman what he wanted; his tears. His pride bore him through having Sherman and Kimbley on him, in him but eventually they cracked him. Cracked was where he was now, remembering the pain of what they had done, the humiliation. His throat tightened. He couldn’t speak. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. Just like the last time, the mere presence of Sherman reduced him, made him nothing again.
“Still have nothing to say to me?” Sherman’s voice almost danced with delight in the panic he knew he was engendering. “I could probably take you of this place and you’d probably be too afraid to stop me.” Sherman’s thumb caressed the skin on the back of Roy’s hand.
Roy allowed himself to look at the man finally. The ring that had been used to brand him during the rape glinted on Sherman’s finger where it wrapped over Roy’s shoulder. Sherman’s pale hair lay neatly over his head and his eyes gleamed brightly.
“Or maybe you’d like a chance to play again. It’s not like you’re shy about that.” Sherman’s voice slid over him smooth as warm water.
Roy sucked down a ragged breath. “What I want is never to see you again.” Roy shocked himself with how steady and calm his voice was. “Surely our military is big enough for that.” What he really wanted was Sherman gone for good before he hurt anyone else but Roy was still wrapped up in pretending it wasn’t his problem.
Sherman chuckled. “There’s that fire I’ve heard so much about.”
He’s just a man, Roy told himself firmly. You’re in a crowded bar. He can’t hurt you here. You could reduce him to a greasy pile of bone and spattering fat. Clinging to that thought, Roy was determined to do better this time. He wasn’t going to let Sherman rule him. “I really have nothing to say to you.” To prove his point, Roy tried to still his shakes long enough to raise whiskey glass to lips.
Sherman’s nose twitched, unhappy that Roy was refusing to play along. “I have something to say to you. Several of us are testifying on the behalf of the Crimson Alchemist. We fully expect him to be pardoned.”
Roy swallowed convulsively. “That won’t happen...he killed his own men.”
“Worthless peons.” Sherman leaned in close, his lips at Roy’s ear. “And when he gets out, we’ll all have a nice party. You bring the whiskey. I’ll bring the toys.”
Roy jerked away, unable to hold back his look of terror. Sherman laughed and tapped Roy’s cheek while sneaking his other, ringed hand lower for a more intimate caress. He gave Roy a merry wave then headed out of the bar. Roy reached for the glass and dropped it. “Damn it. Sorry...another please.”
The bartender didn’t argue. Roy picked up the glass and downed it in two swallows before asking for another. He looked around the bar but Sherman hadn’t come back. Roy barely registered the hulking form of Armstrong in the corner, looking almost as haunted as Roy felt. Roy ignored his fellow murderer and proceeded to lose himself in amber.
X X X
“Which way?” Riza asked as Maes slowed the car so not to flip it taking a corner. She had been at Maes’ home with him and Gracia because they were all supposed to be having dinner. Roy never showed.
“Armstrong didn’t know which way Roy was heading just that he was in no shape to get far,” Maes growled, his good mood destroyed long before Armstrong’s call. They had just been about to mount a search for Roy as it was when the call came.
“There!” Riza pointed.
Maes crushed the brake down and the car protested. They both got out. Roy was half in the gutter, collapsed on the sidewalk, vomiting up an impressive waterfall of gold. Blood trickled down the cement of the sidewalk where Roy had torn himself up falling. Smells that would put a distillery to shame wafted on the evening breeze. “Damn it,” Maes swore.
“Let’s just get him up,” Riza said, her own disappointment barely hidden.
“Roy,” Maes said, making an effort to calm himself. “What happened, buddy?”
“I fell,” Roy moaned miserably, streamers of drool dripping from his chin, tears and snot running down his face.
“I see that.” Maes took out his handkerchief and handed it to Riza. She tried to clean Roy’s face as Maes eased him upright. “You’re a mess, buddy.”
“Why did you do this?” Riza asked as she mopped up his chin.
“He touched me...” Roy said, his head lolling like a broken pinwheel. “Found me in the bar again...how doesh he find me?”
“He who?” Maes’ lips thinned. “Not Sherman again.”
“He touched you?” Riza’s voice went tight.
“My fault,” Roy moaned, tears still streaming down his face. “Too drunk...should have known.”
“Roy...” Riza’s voice cracked but Roy went totally limp against Maes.
Maes barely caught hold before Roy slipped away. He scooped him up, cradling him. “Riza, get the car door.”
They laid Roy on the back seat and drove him to Maes’ home. She helped him carry Roy inside. Gracia saw the looks on their faces and didn’t question them. She just raced ahead and tore down the covers so Maes could lay Roy down. Maes unbuckled Roy’s bloodied pants and eased them down a bit. Fresh wounds decorated his pale skin.
“What did that bastard do?” Riza’s voice was wound so tight, Maes was surprised it didn’t fracture.
“He found Roy out there before we did,” Maes said grimly. His hands balled into fists. “I’m going to get Knox. I know he’s still in town. He kept Roy’s secret the last time he had to treat him. He’ll probably do it again.”
“I don’t under....” Gracia broke off, waving her hands at the bed. “That man, the one you told me about, he did this to Roy?”
Maes blew out a long stream of air as if trying to dispel his rage with it. “Looks like he caught Roy before Riza and I could find him...raped and beat him again. I know this is hard, but can you two clean him up while I go get help?”
“Yes, just go,” Riza grated out. “Hurry.”
She turned on her heel, heading for the bathroom before Maes could even move. Gracia found her there, hot water streaming onto face towels in the sink, as Riza fought not to cry. The sharpshooter flinched when Gracia touched her shoulder. “I can do it, if it’s too hard for you,” she said softly.
Riza turned the tap off. “I can do it...but help...that would be welcome.”
Riza tried to keep the emotion off her face, tried to hide it away in her heart as she and Gracia slowly stripped Roy and dabbed blood and vomit off his face and chest and blood and other things she didn’t even want to think about off his legs and back side. He didn’t even stir as the women silently worked, lost in the deft movements of their hands.
“Is he going to be all right?” Gracia asked at last. “He’s so still...did that man hurt him that badly?” Her hands moved to Roy’s head. His cheek and forehead were abraded as were his palms, elbows and knees. Riza didn’t know if that had happened from Sherman’s attack or Roy falling on his own. His neck looked swollen.
“I don’t know. Armstrong said Roy could barely walk when he left the bar. He went out after him but Roy was gone before he could get to him. That’s when he called Maes,” Riza said, ashamed that anyone had recognized Roy. At least Armstrong might be expected to keep it quiet.
“That awful man...he must have been waiting for Roy. He probably grabbed him when he came outside,” Gracia said, a shudder tearing through her.
“Damn you, Roy,” Riza hissed. “Why didn’t you just come to dinner like you were supposed to?”
She slapped the bloody towel down on the hard wood floor, emotions swamping her. Gracia put her willowy arms around Riza. “Shh, we’ll get him through this,” she promised.
Riza didn’t know what to do. She was still learning to handle Gracia. She liked Maes’ girlfriend. She was shocked when Roy told her that Gracia had not only accepted his relationship to Maes but had invited him to share her with his lover. They were a tentative little group now, feeling their way, sometimes quite literally, along the paths never traveled before by any of them. Right now, Riza wanted the comfort Gracia offered.
“He’ll blame himself,” Riza sniffled. “I shouldn’t...don’t let me say that again, don’t let me imply it’s his fault.”
Gracia stroked her hair until Riza pulled away. “I won’t. You won’t. You’re so strong, Riza. He’ll be able to lean on you,” she assured her. Gracia reached out to daub her towel over Roy’s face more for comfort than a need to continue to clean him. “His poor neck. What did that...that bastard do?”
Riza startled first at the curse coming from the delicate woman and then at the sight of the bruising that was beginning to develop around Roy’s neck. It bore a familiar cross hatching. “The braid on our uniforms...he choked Roy with it.”
“Oh god,” Gracia whispered.
Riza leaned in closer just to listen to him breathe. She could see his chest rising and falling but she needed to hear it, to be sure air was going past Roy’s abused throat. She took Gracia’s towel and pressed it to the small of Roy’s back that bore bruises that looked like a belt buckle, and cuts from where the leather had torn him. Blood still oozed from between the tight muscles of his buttocks. She pressed her lips to the healed scar on his shoulder Sherman had left him with the time before. “He’s going to pay for this, Roy.”
“How does he think he can get away with something like this?” Gracia asked, confusion in her green eyes.
“You know the rules by now, Gracia, no fraternization. Sherman is well placed, a lot of friends in high places. He knows he can destroy Roy, Maes and me. We could probably take him down, too.” Riza gestured to Sherman’s brand. “But he’s counting on Roy being too afraid, too ashamed to admit to what happened.” Her shoulders slumped. “And he’s right.”
“And what if Sherman hurts someone else if he’s not stopped?” Gracia asked quietly.
“If I see him...” Riza shook her head. “Please, Gracia, don’t mention that again. Roy’s already torn himself up inside over that. This...he was such a mess over Ishbal before tonight. I don’t know how he’s going to make it.”
“I know...he’s been so sad lately.” Gracia ran a hand through Roy’s hair. “I hope Maes gets back soon.”
“I hope he can find Knox. I think his name’s on the list of those leaving the military,” Riza said. “So many are...who can blame them?”
The women jumped as a door slammed open somewhere in the small apartment. The scent of cigarette smoke wended its way in. Maes led in Knox who had a cigarette clenched in his teeth and his black leather doctor’s bag in his hand. He gave Roy a critical look then asked, “Did he burn the guy who did this?”
“Doubtful,” Riza said, honestly wishing Roy had. “We think he’s unconscious because...”
“He stinks like a brewery?” Knox asked, looking around for a place to crush out his cigarette.
“That and he was choked.” Riza pointed to Roy’s neck while Gracia darted out of the room and came back with the soap dish to double as an ash tray.
Knox extinguished his cigarette then put his bag on the night stand. “At least he’s not as messed up as last time from the looks of things.”
“Why the hell did he have to get so drunk?” Maes swung on the wall, his fist shattering plaster.
Knox snorted, giving him a disgusted look. He came over and took Maes’ hand, examining the split knuckles. “Try not to give me something else to fix. Someone want to get him some ice for this and you can all get out of the room so I can work. I’m a doctor, not a stage magician. I don’t need an audience.”
Maes pulled his bleeding hand away. “Fine.” He spun around and stalked out of the room. The women followed. “Son of a bitch,” Maes muttered.
Gracia dared to put a hand on his back. “Don’t blame Roy, Maes. He didn’t ask for this to happen. Don’t you think he’ll blame himself when he wakes up?”
“I’m hoping to hell he doesn’t even remember what happened,” Maes snarled. “Tell him he got mugged.” Gracia tightened her hold on him and Maes sagged against her. “I won’t blame him. Roy will do that on his own.”
“If only he came to dinner, if only he didn’t get drunk, if only he just called us from the bar himself and said Sherman was bothering him...he’ll think of all those reasons to blame himself and more,” Riza said miserably. She dragged the back of her hand over her eyes. “I’ll go get you some ice, Maes.”
“Thank you.” Maes watched Riza go then wormed free of Gracia’s grip.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” Maes reached into the small of his back and pulled his knives from his belt as if to assure himself that he was armed then stopped at the desk near the front door and took out his service revolver.
“Maes, no.”
Maes just held up his hand to silence her. He was out the door before Gracia could protest further. She was powerless to stop Riza from following him out into the night. All she could do was see Knox out and sit with Roy who never woke up, worrying that her lovers were committing justifiable homicide. As much as she thought Sherman deserved punishment, Gracia was relieved when they both came home, their paths uncrossed by Sherman.
Chapter Two
Gracia made a huge pot of chicken soup. She didn’t really know what else to do. Maes and Riza were unable to take off from work and that left only her to keep an eye on Roy. She was almost afraid to be alone with him, not sure what she’d say when he woke up.
The first time he woke up, she didn’t have to worry about it. All he did was crawl to the bathroom, vomit and went directly back to bed before she could even think about talking to him. She wasn’t entirely sure that Roy was asleep. He seemed to be but she wasn’t sure that anyone, no matter how drunk, could be out all day. Gracia wouldn’t be surprised if he were just willing himself into a deep slumber.
She tasted the soup. It wasn’t her speciality. Daddy owned a chocolatiers shop and her mother was a baker. Gracia knew sweets and was lucky that her parents were willing to give her time off without asking questions so she could care for Roy. Another sip;No that wasn’t bad at all, she decided.
“That smells good,” a voice said softly, startling her.
She nearly burnt herself, dropping the spoon in the pot. “Oh, god, Roy! Baby, you shouldn’t be out of bed.”
Roy leaned on the kitchen’s door frame, pale, almost greenish. He didn’t respond to her, his gaze going to the floor.
Gracia went over and put her arms around him gingerly. Roy flinched. “Sorry, Roy, I know you’re hurting. Why don’t you go back to bed and I’ll bring you some soup?”
“Not hungry,” he mumbled, not looking at her.
Gracia brushed his hair back and kissed his forehead. “I’m sure you aren’t but you need to have something nourishing. Please, for me.”
Roy sighed, leaning against her momentarily then turned, heading into the bedroom. When she brought his bowl of soup and a glass of juice on a tray, Roy had burrowed back under the covers. He looked so defeated and small she barely recognized him.
“Riza and Maes wanted to be able here but they had to work,” Gracia said, her voice heavy with apology. “Dr. Knox gave you two weeks of leave.” Roy’s eyebrows arched at that. “He said you took a fall through a rotted bannister.”
“Feel like it,” Roy muttered, picking up the spoon to make a half hearted attempt for her.
“Do you want anything more to eat, Roy? I can make whatever you like,” Gracia said. “I have a pie in the oven. That’s my specialty.”
“I’m not hungry.” Roy ate a little soup to make her happy. When she seemed crestfallen, he sighed and spooned up some more.
“They wanted to stay here with you,” Gracia said softly, torn. She wanted to go to him and comfort him but he didn’t seem to want to be bothered. She didn’t know yet what he remembered and had no idea what if anything she should bring up.
“Not necessary,” Roy said, setting his spoon aside. “I should just go home.”
“Nonsense. Maes would never let you go over there by yourself. You finish your soup. I’m going to check on the pie,” she said, thinking maybe he just needed some space.
When she reached the door, he said, “The soup is very good, Gracia. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Roy. I’ll be back shortly.”
Gracia went back to the little kitchen and put the pie on the sill to cool. She wished Maes or Riza would just come home. She didn’t know how to help Roy and now she was afraid that he’d try to sneak out of the house on her. She could take his wanting to go home as a sign he just thought he was hung over and remembered nothing or more likely, he remembered and he wanted to brood in solitude and she couldn’t allow that. It frightened her.
She decided she couldn’t let him have too much time to himself. Gracia needed to be braver and talk to him. He would either tell her flat out to leave him alone or it would give him the shoulder he needed to lean on. Roy had put the tray on the floor - soup bowl actually emptied - and had curled up in the middle of the bed, almost hidden under the heap of covers. “Roy?” He didn’t move so she sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on him, thinking she might have found a leg under the covers. “Roy, sweetie?”
“My throat’s sore,” he said, peeking out from the badly crocheted blue, green and white blanket Maes’ maiden aunt had made for him. Gracia didn’t know if that was her cue to shut up and not make him talk or him asking for help.
She stroked his hair. “I’m sure it does. It’s all bruised.” Gracia bit her lip, wondering if she had just said too much.
“I remember,” he whispered, his fingers going to the linear bruise he wore like a choker. “I know...it’s all my fault.” His lip practically vibrated as his eyes turned into dams after a deluge, ready to let go at any second.
“Oh, no Roy, that’s not true.” Gracia’s hand slid back to cup the base of his head. “What he did to you isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for this.”
“Could have avoided it.” Roy ducked down under the covers, gathering them in his fists until the off-centered Amestris herald beast was over his head. He tried to worm away from her.
Gracia stretched out on the bed, pulling him to her. “You are not responsible.”
“Yes,” he snapped then the rest was lost to the chattering of his teeth as he cried. Gracia just held him, stroking his hair. She wanted to do more but knew his back was a mess and she didn’t want to touch certain areas just in case it frightened him. She caught snatches of things as he let them spill but it didn’t make sense, his voice so broken and slurred with tears. She thought she heard something about a park, the burn of choking, a snippet about, it sounded like ‘helped Sherman’ but he started wailing piteously at that point and it was all she could do to not cry herself.
She heard the door shut and she couldn’t help the little gasp that tore out of her as she jumped. It had to be Maes but for a moment all she could think of was Sherman had found them. Roy’s tears suddenly silenced as he stared at her, shocked at her reaction. “Must be Maes,” she muttered.
Roy shook his head then winced, his fingers going to his abused throat. “You...keep jumping.”
“Sorry.”
“Is it me?” His glistening eyes blinked rapidly.
“No, baby. It’s...I know that man knows Maes and I kept imagining he could find you here,” she said and instantly knew it was the wrong thing. Roy crumpled, lying shattered on the pillows, sobbing uncontrollably. Gracia tucked her cheek against his shoulder. “Oh, Roy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. He wouldn’t dare come here. You’re safe here.”
Roy was still weeping against her when Maes came into the room. Gracia wasn’t sure Roy was even aware they were no longer alone. When Maes touched him, Roy nearly flinched out of the bed. Maes held up his hands. “Sorry, Roy, sorry. It’s just me.”
“I tried to make him better but I made him worse,” Gracia groaned, getting off the bed. She curled her hand around her boyfriend’s.
“No,” Roy babbled, wiping his face as he sat up. “I’m...okay. I just...can you both leave me alone?”
Maes ran his free hand through his dark hair, battling back his bangs. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, buddy. You look so rough.”
Roy trembled. “Please, Maes.”
Maes dropped his hand. “We’ll be just in the other room.”
Roy laid back down. “Gracia...could I have more soup? Maybe some tea? My throat hurts so much. I know it’s not the inside that does but...”
Gracia reached down and stroked his damp cheek. “You can have as much soup and tea as you want. I’ll be right back with it, Roy. And when you’re done, maybe we can put some ice on your neck for you. Dr. Knox gave us some pain killers for you. Do you want some?”
“He should eat first. Those are potent pills,” Maes said, picking up the tray with the empty soup bowl.
“Well, we’ll get soup and tea into him first. Come on, Maes. I have the soup on the stove and a pie on the sill.” Gracia took his hand again. “And Roy, if you change your mind about that, I’ll cut you a slice.”
“Think soup’s my limit,” he mumbled.
Gracia nodded and led her lover into the kitchen. “He was asleep most of the day...he remembers, Maes, everything. At least I think so, he tried to tell me something but he was crying so hard I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.”
“Damn it. I was afraid of that. I wish I could be here with him,” Maes growled. “He shouldn’t be alone, Gracia.”
“He wants to go home and I told him in no uncertain terms that wasn’t happening.” Gracia ladled out more soup into a bowl. “I think he wants to hide from us. He says it’s all his fault. I was trying to convince him it wasn’t when you came home. You can see the mess I was making of it.”
Maes kissed the back of her neck. “You were fine, baby. Roy...has a tendency to blame himself for things. We were expecting this.”
“I know but it doesn’t make it any easier,” Gracia said. “I’ll take him this, Maes. He seems very upset to have you around.” Gracia shot him a sympathetic look then hugged him, knowing he needed to feel loved. “Could you put on the kettle?”
“I’ll handle it. You take care of him,” Maes said, his eyes holding the hurt he felt at not being the one Roy turned to.
Gracia took Roy his soup but outside of a whispered thank you, he said nothing. He just looked at her as if to say ‘please go now’ until she finally left him alone with his soup. She went back to check on him as the tea kettle whistled but he was curled up on his side, refusing to acknowledge her so she took the tray away.
Riza came in while Gracia was fixing the tea. She had the pain killer in her pocket. The grim blond didn’t even say hello as she made her way to the bedroom. Gracia peeked out into the living room where Maes was pacing when she heard raised voices from the bedroom. They both headed back there, Gracia still clutching the tea cup.
“Roy, please,” Riza was saying as they came in, tears standing in her eyes.
Roy’s face was wet and blotching. He had rolled up on one elbow, twisting the sheets in his hand. “Just go away! Leave me alone! I don’t...I can’t do this now.”
“Roy!” Riza held a hand out to him.
“Go!” he screamed.
“Roy, please, that’s not nice. Riza just wants to be with you,” Gracia said, putting the tea cup on the night stand. “We’re trying to help.”
“They need to go,” Roy snarled, waving a hand at Maes and Riza.
“Riza, come on,” Maes said softly, taking her hand. He had to pull her out of the room. She seemed too stunned to walk.
“I brought your tea,” Gracia said, at a loss as to what else to do. “They love you, Roy. They’ve been waiting all day to see you. This is a poor way to repay that.”
“They deserve...I’m not good.” Roy tore a hand through his hair. “Dirty. I deserve him, not them. I don’t want them looking at me...touching me. I’m poison.”
Gracia sat on the bed next to him. “You touched me.”
Roy’s mouth worked like a baby rooting for a nipple, his face going colorless. “It’s...different. I’m sorry.”
“Because you don’t love me, not like you love them. You like me. Maybe one day we will love each other the way we love our partners but right now...” Gracia said, seeing the guilt flooding his eyes. “You’re afraid that because they love you, they’ll judge you in ways I wouldn’t.”
Roy wilted. “Yes,” his voice the palest ghost of itself.
“Well, I’m not judging you and neither are they. If I were to judge you on anything, it would be on the way you’re trying to hurt them because you think you deserve punished. You don’t, Roy. Even if you made a mistake last night, you don’t deserve punished. What that monster did to you is punish enough.” Gracia leaned in and kissed his cheek. She pulled the pain pill out of her pocket and set it next to the cup. “Now you drink your tea, and take your pill and we’re coming back here and if we want to be with you, trust it’s because we care and nothing you do is going to change that.”
Roy sniffled but reached for the tea cup meekly.
Gracia went back into the living room, shaking as the adrenaline quit her system. Maes and Riza looked at her with haunted eyes.
“He talked to you?” Riza sounded incredibly hurt.
“He thinks he’s too dirty to be touched by people who love him. I’m just someone he’s beginning to know...I guess that makes a difference,” Gracia said. “I think he’s settling a little now. He thinks he deserves to be punished. Give him a moment to pull himself together and then I say we go in there together. He can’t fight us all and if he knows we love him anyhow...” Gracia shrugged.
“Thank you, Gracia,” Riza said, her voice heavy.
“I gave him his pain pill which will probably put him to sleep. It might be nice for him to go back to sleep with us all there. I scared him...I didn’t mean to. I’ve been so afraid here alone, that Sherman might find this place and I went and said that to him. I’m sorry.” Gracia said, tears pricking at her eyes.
Maes came over and embraced her tightly. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t even think about you being afraid. I should be here with you both.”
“I know you can’t be.” Graica kissed him. “I’m just being paranoid. Let’s go in there with him before he falls back to sleep.”
They went into the room as a group. Roy couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes but he didn’t fuss when Riza put her arms around him. They surrounded him with arms until he fell back asleep with them. They tucked him in, determined to watch him in shifts.
Chapter Three
“You have a visitor, Roy,” Gracia said, knocking on the bedroom door.
“Tell Knox I don’t want to see him,” Roy called back. He scowled even though there was no one there to see his displeasure.
The door opened in spite of his wishes, Knox coming in with his doctor’s bag. The man’s face was inscrutable. Roy wished the doctor would just be honest and look disgusted with him.
“How did you know it was him?” Gracia asked, peering in.
“I could smell his cigarette,” Roy said sourly. He burrowed deeper under the covers obstinately. Why couldn’t they see he didn’t want to be bothered?
“Well, I’m sure it won’t take long for the check up,” Gracia said, shutting the door so Roy could have privacy.
“I’m fine,” Roy grumbled at the doctor.
“Yes, I can tell that by the dark rings under your eyes and that splendid bruise around your neck,” Knox said, opening his bag and pulling on gloves.
Roy sighed. “They told me you took me off duty for two weeks.”
“You could use a break,” Knox said, peeling down the covers. “All of us could after what happened in the desert. This added trauma was the last thing you needed.”
“I hate thinking about that place.” Roy scowled as he submitted to the exam. Yes, let the talk stay in Ishbal then he wouldn’t have to think about what Sherman had just done to him.
“I can’t leave the place.” Knox rolled Roy onto his belly. Roy tried hard not to shake as Knox examined the welts on his back.
“The dreams?” Roy mumbled into the pillow. Somehow it was comforting to know someone else was as disturbed as he was.
“And the waking up screaming.” Knox took a salve out of his bag and started putting it on Roy’s torn flesh.
“You, too?” Roy trembled in spite of himself. He knew this man was here to help him, just like last time. He trusted Knox but he couldn’t help stop it
“It’s driving my wife crazy.” Knox indicated for Roy to lift his hips so he could get the pj’s down. Roy tensed against the rest of the exam, in spite of Knox’s soft admonishments to relax. “I wish I had time to get to the lake house we have in Cross Creek,” Knox said, using the age-old doctor’s technique of keeping a patient’s mind off the exam by talking. It didn’t work particularly well given where Knox’s fingers were. “It’s pretty there, verdant, lush, nothing at all like that place. I should send you there. At least someone could enjoy it and you could use a little time to yourself. Sounds like those burned Ishbalans we experimented on are haunting you, too. It’s why I’m getting out.” Knox’s hands withdrew and he pulled Roy’s pants back up.
“Experimented?” Roy asked through a constricted throat as Knox peeled off his gloves. What was Knox talking about?
Knox’s hands moved to Roy’s throat, examining the bruising. “The ones you burned, the ones who didn’t die, they turned them over to the doctors and some other alchemists for experiments.”
Roy stared into the doctor’s face; the way Knox lost color only added to the horror settling in Roy’s gut. “What?” he managed to grate out.
“You didn’t know, did you?” Knox asked lowly, fearfulness entering his voice as a guilty look splashed over his face. “You had no idea what they were doing to the victims of your firestorms.” Knox rolled in his bottom lip. “I thought you knew...I’m sorry.” The doctor turned away, going to his bag, trying to hide in unless motion. “If I had known you didn’t know what the clean up crews that moved in after your little trick with the flames did, I wouldn’t have brought it up. No one needs that nightmare in their heads.”
Roy didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even think. He thought he heard himself saying it was okay. What a horrible lie. It wasn’t all right. There was nothing at all right in his life and never would be again.
Knox silently finished examining Roy’s ravished neck then closed up his bag. “You’re healing just fine. You could probably start moving around as much as you can tolerate.”
“Thanks, Knox,” Roy muttered. “I appreciate you doing this. It’s...” Roy flushed, not wanting to have to put into words how humiliated he was by what he had allowed to happen.
Knox simply fished out a cigarette. “It’s no problem and there are no records of what happened.”
Roy just wished this man would leave. He was grateful but he needed to be alone. He didn’t feel so good, not after Knox’s revelation. “Gracia told me I fell through a bannister.”
“No one will question it,” Knox assured him, “I’ll come check on you in a week.”
“Okay,” Roy said lifelessly.
He watched Knox leave, his stomach bubbling like a cauldron. Roy listened for the front door. Why wasn’t the doctor leaving? What could he be talking to Gracia about? Telling her what kind of monster she was babysitting? A cowardly monster at that. He hadn’t even had the balls to ask Knox what kind of experiments they were doing to his victims. Victims, he had never thought of them like that until Knox said it. They had been the enemy. Roy had done his very best to not think of the Ishbalans at all because he feared going mad if he did. He remembered the faces of the children. He had tried to spare as many as he could. It wasn’t always possible and that... no, he couldn’t think on it.
Roy sucked in a deep breath, trying to combat the burgeoning nausea. His mouth watered so much he expected to drool on himself. Pointing his toes, Roy dragged in air, fighting his stomach. He heard the front door open and close about the time he realized he’d never hold back his rebelling stomach.
He heard Gracia calling his name as he made the short dash to the bathroom. Pain shot up from his knees as they slammed into the tile. He barely got the toilet seat up before he lost control. Once the retching started, Roy didn’t know if he could stop it. He felt soft hands on his back, making soothing motions. Gracia’s voice kept up a mantra but beyond its soft sweet cadence he didn’t hear the words. Finally the dry heaves stopped, leaving streamers of mucus from his lips and chin to the bowl.
Roy flopped back, pressing his sore back to the cool porcelain of the tub. He didn’t want to look at Gracia. She shouldn’t have to endure this. She was an innocent, not part of the overall horror. The warm wet feel of a face cloth shocked him as she sponged his face. When had she had time to prepare that? He tried to move away. “Gracia, you don’t-”
“Shhh, Roy.” Gracia tossed the soiled towel in the sink and exchanged it for another she had ready. She draped this warm towel over his face like a veil
Roy pressed it against his skin, soaking in the warmth, letting it leech out some of the trauma roiling in him. He heard her flushing the toilet and starting to clean up his mess. “Gracia, I can do this.”
“You’re sick, Roy. Accept a little fussing.” Gracia put her hand on his shoulder. “Dr. Knox said he upset you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Roy peeled the towel off his face.
“Roy, it’s okay. You can tell me.” Gracia smoothed his damp hair back.
“It’s stuff that happened in Ishbal. He and I...well, at least I haven’t woken up screaming in your ear yet, but it’s only a matter of time,” Roy said gruffly.
“I know Maes doesn’t sleep easy either.” Gracia leaned down and slipped an arm under his and helped him up. “And if you decide you can trust me with this, Roy, you know where to find me.”
“It’s not about trust, Gracia. I trust you.” Roy slipped free of her to run the tap water. He grabbed Maes mouthwash and let it burn his raw mouth as he tried to get the taste of bile out of his mouth. He rinsed with water then realized her green eyes were still on him. “If I talk about what happened in the desert, it becomes too real. You don’t know everything I did there. I don’t deserve the title of hero. I’m sure the Ishbalans have another name for me, monster.”
Gracia’s face paled out and her lips drew down. “You are not a monster, Roy.”
His fingers curled around the edge of the vanity. “Maybe not, but I did monstrous things, Gracia. If you knew, you wouldn’t care to be here watching over me. You’d have left me to my fate.”
“Do not say that.” Her voice was darker, rougher than Roy had ever heard it. He was surprised by the sudden fire in her emerald eyes. “I won’t insult you by dismissing what any of you did there as ‘you just following orders’ but as poor an excuse as you might find that, what would have happened to you if you hadn’t?”
Roy looked away from her right into the mirror, bad choice. He hated the man there. He hadn’t even spent any time looking at what Sherman had done to him, at the puffy ring of purple around his neck. Poor Riza having to look at him like this and know he was too weak to protect himself. How could she love him? “I would have been court martialed at best, maybe even executed as a traitor at worst. Only Armstrong’s very important family kept him from being booted out but...he knows his career is dead. We all know it. Maybe that isn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me.”
Roy brushed past Gracia and went down the hall. He stopped at the door to Maes’ bedroom but didn’t go in. The room held a stale scent to it, sour, his scent. He needed a bath but it would have to wait until later. He couldn’t ask Gracia to rebandage him. Roy leaned on the wall looking in. “You have no idea at all what I’m capable of Gracia. Riza and Maes, they’re just soldiers, normal folk. People look at alchemists and call us freaks. They don’t really want to be around us.” He turned to face her. “You don’t know how much I appreciate that you don’t seem to mind what I am. The soldiers used to run from me, as if I’d turn my power against them if they annoyed me.”
“I know you’d never do that, Roy. You might have done terrible things in war but you are not a terrible person,” Gracia said, taking his hand. “And don’t tell me I don’t know you well enough yet to say that.”
He smiled weakly. “I’d like to think you’re right.”
“You look so tired, Roy. Do you want to go lie down? Or maybe you’d like to come sit with me in the living room and listen to the radio. You have to be pretty lonely just lying in there. I had made some fudge but you probably don’t feel well enough now to try a piece.”
Roy let her lead him into the living room. It was a cozy little room. The small apartment must have been Maes’ place ever since they’d gotten out of the academy. He wondered why his friend kept it while he was away at war. All Roy had was a shoebox room in the barracks. “First pie, now fudge, you’re going to make me fat.”
Gracia sat him down on the couch, running a hand surreptitiously over his chest. “You’re so thin, I don’t think a piece or two is going to hurt you. Pity me. Father makes candy. Mother is a baker. I’m lucky I can fit through doorways.”
“You have a lovely figure,” Roy assured her. “I have a weakness for sweets, but you’re right. I don’t feel like anything now.” He let his head drop back against the couch pillow. His hair felt oily and his scalp itched. “He tried to warn me.”
Her pale brow beetled. “Sorry, what?”
“Riza’s father was my teacher. He wanted to keep the secrets of flame alchemy from me. He thought I was too young and he was afraid of what I would be asked to do if I became a State Alchemist. I should have listened but hubris is a real taskmaster. I was so sure I was right and my teacher was an idiot for withholding the crucial array from me.” Roy laughed mirthlessly.
“But he did finally tell you...no, I guess he didn’t. That tattoo on Riza’s back. That’s your array isn’t it?” Gracia pursed her lips. “Somehow I assumed you had that done.”
Roy raised an eyebrow. How strange of relationship did she think he had with his lover? Then again they were involved in a foursome so why would getting your lover’s special array tattooed to your flesh seem peculiar? “No, her father made her part of his journal.”
“Oh...” Gracia seemed to get lost for a moment. She was probably repulsed by the thought. “Speaking of journals, Maes brought you some books from your place including a journal. I did open it while you were sleeping because I was bored. I closed it right away when I realized what it was. I kept meaning to bring them to you but you were always asleep when I remembered.”
“No problem. I’m not afraid you’re going to steal my alchemic secrets,” Roy said, with a hint of a smile.
“That’s what that is?” Gracia’ blushed, managing to look almost prim. “I was wondering why Maes would have brought that sort of....escapade material to you just now.”
“I’m not that big of a pervert...but it at least entertains anyone after my secrets.” Roy smirked. “I guess I have an overactive imagination.”
“Based on what little I saw, I’d say you enjoy your imagination.” She smiled at him.
Roy snorted. “Riza would probably say a little too much.” Roy sighed, wondering why he was feeling a little lighter. Gracia was making him feel better and he didn’t deserve it. “I’m tired, Gracia. Maybe we can just listen to the radio now.” He could tell she saw the change in him and didn’t like it but she turned the radio on anyhow to a mystery theater.
She went and put a few pieces of fudge on a plate and set it on the table just in case. Gracia picked up her crocheting bag and sat on the chair so he could stretch out. She started working on something with yellow yarn. Roy tried to sleep and forget what Knox had said but the yellow of the wool kept reminding him of his flames.
“Did you make that bedspread of Maes’?”
She gave him the dim eye over her crochet hook. “I have a little bit of talent, thank you. His aunt made that wretched thing and he’s just too nice to not use it. This is going to be a coverlet for sitting on the couch on cold days.”
“Nice.” Roy rolled onto his side more. “I have no talents.”
“I heard you play a mean game of...what did they call it? Goh?” Her fingers started working again.
“It’s a Xing game, very difficult and yes, I’m good at it and chess. Those are my only skills. Unless you’re a general and I have a butt to kiss. I’m good at that,” he added self-deprecatingly.
“Well, we all have to do that from time to time whether or not we like it.” Gracia’s eyes softened and Roy sighed again.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I know. Trust me, I know it well and I’m willing to do it to move up. The only way I can make sure things like Ishbal never happen again is if I’m the one with the power.”
Before Gracia could say anything to that cryptic statement, someone knocked on the door. To his surprise, she let Riza in.
“Riza, what are you doing here?” He couldn’t keep in his shock.
“Dr. Knox stopped by and asked me to his office. Apparently I have ‘female troubles’ and I’ve been given two weeks off to recover.” She flashed a lopsided smile. “I’m not sure if I’m happy or annoyed to have that on my record.”
“Well, at least you didn’t fall through a bannister,” Roy said, sitting up. “He told you I’m upset, didn’t he?”
She nodded, sitting next to him while Gracia busied herself with putting up her yarn. “He didn’t say much, just that it was about Ishbal.”
Roy ran a hand through his sticky hair. “I’ll tell you what I told Gracia, I don’t want to talk about it.” Riza gave him a sharp look but kissed his cheek gently. Her nose wrinkled. “I know. I didn’t think showering right after Knox dressed my back was a great idea. I’ll do it later. You’ll have to help fix me up...or Maes.”
“Of course. Roy, are you sure you don’t want to talk?” Riza stroked his arm.
“Positive,” he snapped. His eyes narrowed and hers mirrored Roy’s.
“Riza, since you’re home early, I could use a hand with getting dinner started,” Gracia said nervously, trying to break the fight up before it could start.
Roy watched the ladies disappear into Maes’ little kitchen. He doubted any meal was being prepared. Gracia was surely telling Riza about him throwing up and freaking out. He stretched back out and buried his face in the couch pillows. He stayed that way until he heard the front door open. He glanced up at Maes. “What? Did Knox say you have female troubles too?”
“No.” Maes flopped down and started unlacing his boots. “I have the kissing disease so I’m off duty until that clears up. He thinks it will take two weeks and he suggested some fresh lake air.” Maes dug in his pocket and came up with a set of keys. “We’ll go tomorrow.”
“And if I don’t feel like a vacation lakeside?” Roy grumbled, determined no one rob him of his right to be miserable over the things he had done and what had been done to him. He didn’t need some restful lake as an anodyne for his pain.
Maes’ lips pulled into an unaccustomed scowl. “Don’t worry, Roy, you can sulk there if you feel you have to.”
Roy glared indignantly, the sharp edges of Maes’ voice getting his hackles up. He backed down when Maes’ eyes hardened. “I don’t want to go.”
“Buddy, I know you’re hurting. No one’s expecting this to be a miracle cure for you, but Knox is sticking his neck out for us.”
Roy hunched up. “Because he feels guilty.”
“So what? Someone’s doing something nice for you. Don’t throw it in his face. Just take it for what it is, a chance to get away from the grindstone for a little while, to rejuvenate yourself. Riza and I could use it, too. None of us have had much of a break since the desert,” Maes said wearily.
“And when Sherman hears I ran away, then what?” Roy was shocked at his own venom and by what he had said. He hadn’t even realized how much he feared showing weakness in front of a man who seemed to bring that very trait out of him.
“You don’t have to worry about it. He’s gone,” Maes replied, his body tightened at the mention of the general.
“What do you mean?” The words dragged out of Roy, a tremor belying his fear.
“I tracked him down, caught up to him as he boarded the train. I checked around, he’s been stationed out west. He isn’t going to be here to hurt you any more, Roy,” Maes said, padding barefoot over to the couch. He sat in the crook of Roy’s hip, gently rubbing Roy’s thigh. “He’s not going to know what you do or where you go. He’s not going to lay a hand on you again. I know someone at West headquarters. Remember Asha from the Academy? She’s out there now.”
Roy bit his lip. He wouldn’t cry. It was so unmanly. He wanted to. He wanted to let go and give in to his fear. “Good. Maybe the Creatans will get him.”
“We can hope.” Maes leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You’re going to be okay, buddy.”
“I don’t think so, Maes. I really don’t.” Maes just gave him a look of such pity and worry Roy couldn’t stand it. He had to do something to make it stop. “Maybe two weeks by the lake will make me feel better after all.” That seemed to relieve Maes a little and Roy felt better for it.
“Good. I’ll go to your place and pack some stuff for you.”
“Thanks, Maes. You’re a good friend.” He offered up his first real honest smile in days. Maes really was too good to him. He was lucky to have people like Maes, Riza and Gracia in his life. Maes left him and the girls started banging around pots and pans. Roy just gave in to his inner turmoil and cried against the pillows until he gave into his total exhaustion and slept.
Funeral of Hearts
D M Evans
Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. I don’t make a profit
Pairing - various combinations of Roy/Riza/Maes/Gracia, and Roy/OC (nonconsensual)
Rating - Nc-17 (majority of the story is only R)
Time Line - Post Ishbal a few months spoilers for 57-61
Summary - Secrets of Ishbal are revealed to Roy on the heels of a painful visit from someone who brutalized him while in the desert. Roy does not cope well
Author’s Note #1 - Contains references to rape, suicide, torture and has foursome sex. The rape is not seen but is discussed so take that as a warning, those sensitive to such topics and was written for the Everybody Wins challenge at
fma_ot4, challenge lyrics at the endAuthor’s Note #2 - This story is in the AU universe created by
evil_little_dog with her story Marking Time and Seeking Comfort, plus a third story not yet posted. Thanks for letting me play in your AU ELD and thanks for the quickie beta. All things relating to the Marking Time AU can be found here All Things Marking Time RelatedChapter One
The burn of whiskey was somehow comforting in a way that disturbed Roy as he ignored the bartender’s critical look over his rate of consumption. He didn’t want to depend on something to get him numb just so he could live with himself. Roy knew where that led. Did any burg not have a tormented town drunk? He had seen the psychiatric wards of the hospitals in Central where he was stationed waiting for reassignment. He knew people within those walls. Roy didn’t want to be like them. He could see himself becoming a drunk, fracturing into insanity, to escape his own haunted mind. It wouldn’t be hard to just get lost. Who would miss him?
A bitterness welled up in him. That had been his most selfish thought in a while and he’d been thinking many self-centered, self-pitying thoughts lately. Riza and Maes would be devastated if he were gone. Maybe even Gracia, too. Roy knew he was loved but these months since their return from Ishbal, it was hard to believe it. He had perpetrated so many inhumane acts, hiding behind the shield of orders, that he no longer loved or even liked himself. It made the love he received from others impossible to believe. It felt tainted as if he poisoned everything he touched.
The whiskey called to him and he invited it in, the wash of it sweetly burning down his throat. Roy stiffened, not from the delicate pain but from a sudden touch on the back of his neck; cool and metallic, whispering over his flesh until the touch changed into a more socially acceptable manly clasp of his shoulder, a mockery of sensuality.
“Didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”
The voice was incredibly soft. Roy almost lost it to the hum of the bar’s patrons. The sibilant tones made his body tighten in fear. Roy hated fearing anything or anyone but this was his nugget of dread. It had only been a few weeks since the last time he had stumbled across Sherman in a bar. That encountered had left him unmanned, drunk and begging for Maes to come rescue him. In Ishbal, Sherman had turned Roy into nothing, a no one, a toy for him to break. In the desert, Roy’s pride kept him from giving Sherman what he wanted; his tears. His pride bore him through having Sherman and Kimbley on him, in him but eventually they cracked him. Cracked was where he was now, remembering the pain of what they had done, the humiliation. His throat tightened. He couldn’t speak. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. Just like the last time, the mere presence of Sherman reduced him, made him nothing again.
“Still have nothing to say to me?” Sherman’s voice almost danced with delight in the panic he knew he was engendering. “I could probably take you of this place and you’d probably be too afraid to stop me.” Sherman’s thumb caressed the skin on the back of Roy’s hand.
Roy allowed himself to look at the man finally. The ring that had been used to brand him during the rape glinted on Sherman’s finger where it wrapped over Roy’s shoulder. Sherman’s pale hair lay neatly over his head and his eyes gleamed brightly.
“Or maybe you’d like a chance to play again. It’s not like you’re shy about that.” Sherman’s voice slid over him smooth as warm water.
Roy sucked down a ragged breath. “What I want is never to see you again.” Roy shocked himself with how steady and calm his voice was. “Surely our military is big enough for that.” What he really wanted was Sherman gone for good before he hurt anyone else but Roy was still wrapped up in pretending it wasn’t his problem.
Sherman chuckled. “There’s that fire I’ve heard so much about.”
He’s just a man, Roy told himself firmly. You’re in a crowded bar. He can’t hurt you here. You could reduce him to a greasy pile of bone and spattering fat. Clinging to that thought, Roy was determined to do better this time. He wasn’t going to let Sherman rule him. “I really have nothing to say to you.” To prove his point, Roy tried to still his shakes long enough to raise whiskey glass to lips.
Sherman’s nose twitched, unhappy that Roy was refusing to play along. “I have something to say to you. Several of us are testifying on the behalf of the Crimson Alchemist. We fully expect him to be pardoned.”
Roy swallowed convulsively. “That won’t happen...he killed his own men.”
“Worthless peons.” Sherman leaned in close, his lips at Roy’s ear. “And when he gets out, we’ll all have a nice party. You bring the whiskey. I’ll bring the toys.”
Roy jerked away, unable to hold back his look of terror. Sherman laughed and tapped Roy’s cheek while sneaking his other, ringed hand lower for a more intimate caress. He gave Roy a merry wave then headed out of the bar. Roy reached for the glass and dropped it. “Damn it. Sorry...another please.”
The bartender didn’t argue. Roy picked up the glass and downed it in two swallows before asking for another. He looked around the bar but Sherman hadn’t come back. Roy barely registered the hulking form of Armstrong in the corner, looking almost as haunted as Roy felt. Roy ignored his fellow murderer and proceeded to lose himself in amber.
X X X
“Which way?” Riza asked as Maes slowed the car so not to flip it taking a corner. She had been at Maes’ home with him and Gracia because they were all supposed to be having dinner. Roy never showed.
“Armstrong didn’t know which way Roy was heading just that he was in no shape to get far,” Maes growled, his good mood destroyed long before Armstrong’s call. They had just been about to mount a search for Roy as it was when the call came.
“There!” Riza pointed.
Maes crushed the brake down and the car protested. They both got out. Roy was half in the gutter, collapsed on the sidewalk, vomiting up an impressive waterfall of gold. Blood trickled down the cement of the sidewalk where Roy had torn himself up falling. Smells that would put a distillery to shame wafted on the evening breeze. “Damn it,” Maes swore.
“Let’s just get him up,” Riza said, her own disappointment barely hidden.
“Roy,” Maes said, making an effort to calm himself. “What happened, buddy?”
“I fell,” Roy moaned miserably, streamers of drool dripping from his chin, tears and snot running down his face.
“I see that.” Maes took out his handkerchief and handed it to Riza. She tried to clean Roy’s face as Maes eased him upright. “You’re a mess, buddy.”
“Why did you do this?” Riza asked as she mopped up his chin.
“He touched me...” Roy said, his head lolling like a broken pinwheel. “Found me in the bar again...how doesh he find me?”
“He who?” Maes’ lips thinned. “Not Sherman again.”
“He touched you?” Riza’s voice went tight.
“My fault,” Roy moaned, tears still streaming down his face. “Too drunk...should have known.”
“Roy...” Riza’s voice cracked but Roy went totally limp against Maes.
Maes barely caught hold before Roy slipped away. He scooped him up, cradling him. “Riza, get the car door.”
They laid Roy on the back seat and drove him to Maes’ home. She helped him carry Roy inside. Gracia saw the looks on their faces and didn’t question them. She just raced ahead and tore down the covers so Maes could lay Roy down. Maes unbuckled Roy’s bloodied pants and eased them down a bit. Fresh wounds decorated his pale skin.
“What did that bastard do?” Riza’s voice was wound so tight, Maes was surprised it didn’t fracture.
“He found Roy out there before we did,” Maes said grimly. His hands balled into fists. “I’m going to get Knox. I know he’s still in town. He kept Roy’s secret the last time he had to treat him. He’ll probably do it again.”
“I don’t under....” Gracia broke off, waving her hands at the bed. “That man, the one you told me about, he did this to Roy?”
Maes blew out a long stream of air as if trying to dispel his rage with it. “Looks like he caught Roy before Riza and I could find him...raped and beat him again. I know this is hard, but can you two clean him up while I go get help?”
“Yes, just go,” Riza grated out. “Hurry.”
She turned on her heel, heading for the bathroom before Maes could even move. Gracia found her there, hot water streaming onto face towels in the sink, as Riza fought not to cry. The sharpshooter flinched when Gracia touched her shoulder. “I can do it, if it’s too hard for you,” she said softly.
Riza turned the tap off. “I can do it...but help...that would be welcome.”
Riza tried to keep the emotion off her face, tried to hide it away in her heart as she and Gracia slowly stripped Roy and dabbed blood and vomit off his face and chest and blood and other things she didn’t even want to think about off his legs and back side. He didn’t even stir as the women silently worked, lost in the deft movements of their hands.
“Is he going to be all right?” Gracia asked at last. “He’s so still...did that man hurt him that badly?” Her hands moved to Roy’s head. His cheek and forehead were abraded as were his palms, elbows and knees. Riza didn’t know if that had happened from Sherman’s attack or Roy falling on his own. His neck looked swollen.
“I don’t know. Armstrong said Roy could barely walk when he left the bar. He went out after him but Roy was gone before he could get to him. That’s when he called Maes,” Riza said, ashamed that anyone had recognized Roy. At least Armstrong might be expected to keep it quiet.
“That awful man...he must have been waiting for Roy. He probably grabbed him when he came outside,” Gracia said, a shudder tearing through her.
“Damn you, Roy,” Riza hissed. “Why didn’t you just come to dinner like you were supposed to?”
She slapped the bloody towel down on the hard wood floor, emotions swamping her. Gracia put her willowy arms around Riza. “Shh, we’ll get him through this,” she promised.
Riza didn’t know what to do. She was still learning to handle Gracia. She liked Maes’ girlfriend. She was shocked when Roy told her that Gracia had not only accepted his relationship to Maes but had invited him to share her with his lover. They were a tentative little group now, feeling their way, sometimes quite literally, along the paths never traveled before by any of them. Right now, Riza wanted the comfort Gracia offered.
“He’ll blame himself,” Riza sniffled. “I shouldn’t...don’t let me say that again, don’t let me imply it’s his fault.”
Gracia stroked her hair until Riza pulled away. “I won’t. You won’t. You’re so strong, Riza. He’ll be able to lean on you,” she assured her. Gracia reached out to daub her towel over Roy’s face more for comfort than a need to continue to clean him. “His poor neck. What did that...that bastard do?”
Riza startled first at the curse coming from the delicate woman and then at the sight of the bruising that was beginning to develop around Roy’s neck. It bore a familiar cross hatching. “The braid on our uniforms...he choked Roy with it.”
“Oh god,” Gracia whispered.
Riza leaned in closer just to listen to him breathe. She could see his chest rising and falling but she needed to hear it, to be sure air was going past Roy’s abused throat. She took Gracia’s towel and pressed it to the small of Roy’s back that bore bruises that looked like a belt buckle, and cuts from where the leather had torn him. Blood still oozed from between the tight muscles of his buttocks. She pressed her lips to the healed scar on his shoulder Sherman had left him with the time before. “He’s going to pay for this, Roy.”
“How does he think he can get away with something like this?” Gracia asked, confusion in her green eyes.
“You know the rules by now, Gracia, no fraternization. Sherman is well placed, a lot of friends in high places. He knows he can destroy Roy, Maes and me. We could probably take him down, too.” Riza gestured to Sherman’s brand. “But he’s counting on Roy being too afraid, too ashamed to admit to what happened.” Her shoulders slumped. “And he’s right.”
“And what if Sherman hurts someone else if he’s not stopped?” Gracia asked quietly.
“If I see him...” Riza shook her head. “Please, Gracia, don’t mention that again. Roy’s already torn himself up inside over that. This...he was such a mess over Ishbal before tonight. I don’t know how he’s going to make it.”
“I know...he’s been so sad lately.” Gracia ran a hand through Roy’s hair. “I hope Maes gets back soon.”
“I hope he can find Knox. I think his name’s on the list of those leaving the military,” Riza said. “So many are...who can blame them?”
The women jumped as a door slammed open somewhere in the small apartment. The scent of cigarette smoke wended its way in. Maes led in Knox who had a cigarette clenched in his teeth and his black leather doctor’s bag in his hand. He gave Roy a critical look then asked, “Did he burn the guy who did this?”
“Doubtful,” Riza said, honestly wishing Roy had. “We think he’s unconscious because...”
“He stinks like a brewery?” Knox asked, looking around for a place to crush out his cigarette.
“That and he was choked.” Riza pointed to Roy’s neck while Gracia darted out of the room and came back with the soap dish to double as an ash tray.
Knox extinguished his cigarette then put his bag on the night stand. “At least he’s not as messed up as last time from the looks of things.”
“Why the hell did he have to get so drunk?” Maes swung on the wall, his fist shattering plaster.
Knox snorted, giving him a disgusted look. He came over and took Maes’ hand, examining the split knuckles. “Try not to give me something else to fix. Someone want to get him some ice for this and you can all get out of the room so I can work. I’m a doctor, not a stage magician. I don’t need an audience.”
Maes pulled his bleeding hand away. “Fine.” He spun around and stalked out of the room. The women followed. “Son of a bitch,” Maes muttered.
Gracia dared to put a hand on his back. “Don’t blame Roy, Maes. He didn’t ask for this to happen. Don’t you think he’ll blame himself when he wakes up?”
“I’m hoping to hell he doesn’t even remember what happened,” Maes snarled. “Tell him he got mugged.” Gracia tightened her hold on him and Maes sagged against her. “I won’t blame him. Roy will do that on his own.”
“If only he came to dinner, if only he didn’t get drunk, if only he just called us from the bar himself and said Sherman was bothering him...he’ll think of all those reasons to blame himself and more,” Riza said miserably. She dragged the back of her hand over her eyes. “I’ll go get you some ice, Maes.”
“Thank you.” Maes watched Riza go then wormed free of Gracia’s grip.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” Maes reached into the small of his back and pulled his knives from his belt as if to assure himself that he was armed then stopped at the desk near the front door and took out his service revolver.
“Maes, no.”
Maes just held up his hand to silence her. He was out the door before Gracia could protest further. She was powerless to stop Riza from following him out into the night. All she could do was see Knox out and sit with Roy who never woke up, worrying that her lovers were committing justifiable homicide. As much as she thought Sherman deserved punishment, Gracia was relieved when they both came home, their paths uncrossed by Sherman.
Chapter Two
Gracia made a huge pot of chicken soup. She didn’t really know what else to do. Maes and Riza were unable to take off from work and that left only her to keep an eye on Roy. She was almost afraid to be alone with him, not sure what she’d say when he woke up.
The first time he woke up, she didn’t have to worry about it. All he did was crawl to the bathroom, vomit and went directly back to bed before she could even think about talking to him. She wasn’t entirely sure that Roy was asleep. He seemed to be but she wasn’t sure that anyone, no matter how drunk, could be out all day. Gracia wouldn’t be surprised if he were just willing himself into a deep slumber.
She tasted the soup. It wasn’t her speciality. Daddy owned a chocolatiers shop and her mother was a baker. Gracia knew sweets and was lucky that her parents were willing to give her time off without asking questions so she could care for Roy. Another sip;No that wasn’t bad at all, she decided.
“That smells good,” a voice said softly, startling her.
She nearly burnt herself, dropping the spoon in the pot. “Oh, god, Roy! Baby, you shouldn’t be out of bed.”
Roy leaned on the kitchen’s door frame, pale, almost greenish. He didn’t respond to her, his gaze going to the floor.
Gracia went over and put her arms around him gingerly. Roy flinched. “Sorry, Roy, I know you’re hurting. Why don’t you go back to bed and I’ll bring you some soup?”
“Not hungry,” he mumbled, not looking at her.
Gracia brushed his hair back and kissed his forehead. “I’m sure you aren’t but you need to have something nourishing. Please, for me.”
Roy sighed, leaning against her momentarily then turned, heading into the bedroom. When she brought his bowl of soup and a glass of juice on a tray, Roy had burrowed back under the covers. He looked so defeated and small she barely recognized him.
“Riza and Maes wanted to be able here but they had to work,” Gracia said, her voice heavy with apology. “Dr. Knox gave you two weeks of leave.” Roy’s eyebrows arched at that. “He said you took a fall through a rotted bannister.”
“Feel like it,” Roy muttered, picking up the spoon to make a half hearted attempt for her.
“Do you want anything more to eat, Roy? I can make whatever you like,” Gracia said. “I have a pie in the oven. That’s my specialty.”
“I’m not hungry.” Roy ate a little soup to make her happy. When she seemed crestfallen, he sighed and spooned up some more.
“They wanted to stay here with you,” Gracia said softly, torn. She wanted to go to him and comfort him but he didn’t seem to want to be bothered. She didn’t know yet what he remembered and had no idea what if anything she should bring up.
“Not necessary,” Roy said, setting his spoon aside. “I should just go home.”
“Nonsense. Maes would never let you go over there by yourself. You finish your soup. I’m going to check on the pie,” she said, thinking maybe he just needed some space.
When she reached the door, he said, “The soup is very good, Gracia. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Roy. I’ll be back shortly.”
Gracia went back to the little kitchen and put the pie on the sill to cool. She wished Maes or Riza would just come home. She didn’t know how to help Roy and now she was afraid that he’d try to sneak out of the house on her. She could take his wanting to go home as a sign he just thought he was hung over and remembered nothing or more likely, he remembered and he wanted to brood in solitude and she couldn’t allow that. It frightened her.
She decided she couldn’t let him have too much time to himself. Gracia needed to be braver and talk to him. He would either tell her flat out to leave him alone or it would give him the shoulder he needed to lean on. Roy had put the tray on the floor - soup bowl actually emptied - and had curled up in the middle of the bed, almost hidden under the heap of covers. “Roy?” He didn’t move so she sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on him, thinking she might have found a leg under the covers. “Roy, sweetie?”
“My throat’s sore,” he said, peeking out from the badly crocheted blue, green and white blanket Maes’ maiden aunt had made for him. Gracia didn’t know if that was her cue to shut up and not make him talk or him asking for help.
She stroked his hair. “I’m sure it does. It’s all bruised.” Gracia bit her lip, wondering if she had just said too much.
“I remember,” he whispered, his fingers going to the linear bruise he wore like a choker. “I know...it’s all my fault.” His lip practically vibrated as his eyes turned into dams after a deluge, ready to let go at any second.
“Oh, no Roy, that’s not true.” Gracia’s hand slid back to cup the base of his head. “What he did to you isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for this.”
“Could have avoided it.” Roy ducked down under the covers, gathering them in his fists until the off-centered Amestris herald beast was over his head. He tried to worm away from her.
Gracia stretched out on the bed, pulling him to her. “You are not responsible.”
“Yes,” he snapped then the rest was lost to the chattering of his teeth as he cried. Gracia just held him, stroking his hair. She wanted to do more but knew his back was a mess and she didn’t want to touch certain areas just in case it frightened him. She caught snatches of things as he let them spill but it didn’t make sense, his voice so broken and slurred with tears. She thought she heard something about a park, the burn of choking, a snippet about, it sounded like ‘helped Sherman’ but he started wailing piteously at that point and it was all she could do to not cry herself.
She heard the door shut and she couldn’t help the little gasp that tore out of her as she jumped. It had to be Maes but for a moment all she could think of was Sherman had found them. Roy’s tears suddenly silenced as he stared at her, shocked at her reaction. “Must be Maes,” she muttered.
Roy shook his head then winced, his fingers going to his abused throat. “You...keep jumping.”
“Sorry.”
“Is it me?” His glistening eyes blinked rapidly.
“No, baby. It’s...I know that man knows Maes and I kept imagining he could find you here,” she said and instantly knew it was the wrong thing. Roy crumpled, lying shattered on the pillows, sobbing uncontrollably. Gracia tucked her cheek against his shoulder. “Oh, Roy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. He wouldn’t dare come here. You’re safe here.”
Roy was still weeping against her when Maes came into the room. Gracia wasn’t sure Roy was even aware they were no longer alone. When Maes touched him, Roy nearly flinched out of the bed. Maes held up his hands. “Sorry, Roy, sorry. It’s just me.”
“I tried to make him better but I made him worse,” Gracia groaned, getting off the bed. She curled her hand around her boyfriend’s.
“No,” Roy babbled, wiping his face as he sat up. “I’m...okay. I just...can you both leave me alone?”
Maes ran his free hand through his dark hair, battling back his bangs. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, buddy. You look so rough.”
Roy trembled. “Please, Maes.”
Maes dropped his hand. “We’ll be just in the other room.”
Roy laid back down. “Gracia...could I have more soup? Maybe some tea? My throat hurts so much. I know it’s not the inside that does but...”
Gracia reached down and stroked his damp cheek. “You can have as much soup and tea as you want. I’ll be right back with it, Roy. And when you’re done, maybe we can put some ice on your neck for you. Dr. Knox gave us some pain killers for you. Do you want some?”
“He should eat first. Those are potent pills,” Maes said, picking up the tray with the empty soup bowl.
“Well, we’ll get soup and tea into him first. Come on, Maes. I have the soup on the stove and a pie on the sill.” Gracia took his hand again. “And Roy, if you change your mind about that, I’ll cut you a slice.”
“Think soup’s my limit,” he mumbled.
Gracia nodded and led her lover into the kitchen. “He was asleep most of the day...he remembers, Maes, everything. At least I think so, he tried to tell me something but he was crying so hard I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.”
“Damn it. I was afraid of that. I wish I could be here with him,” Maes growled. “He shouldn’t be alone, Gracia.”
“He wants to go home and I told him in no uncertain terms that wasn’t happening.” Gracia ladled out more soup into a bowl. “I think he wants to hide from us. He says it’s all his fault. I was trying to convince him it wasn’t when you came home. You can see the mess I was making of it.”
Maes kissed the back of her neck. “You were fine, baby. Roy...has a tendency to blame himself for things. We were expecting this.”
“I know but it doesn’t make it any easier,” Gracia said. “I’ll take him this, Maes. He seems very upset to have you around.” Gracia shot him a sympathetic look then hugged him, knowing he needed to feel loved. “Could you put on the kettle?”
“I’ll handle it. You take care of him,” Maes said, his eyes holding the hurt he felt at not being the one Roy turned to.
Gracia took Roy his soup but outside of a whispered thank you, he said nothing. He just looked at her as if to say ‘please go now’ until she finally left him alone with his soup. She went back to check on him as the tea kettle whistled but he was curled up on his side, refusing to acknowledge her so she took the tray away.
Riza came in while Gracia was fixing the tea. She had the pain killer in her pocket. The grim blond didn’t even say hello as she made her way to the bedroom. Gracia peeked out into the living room where Maes was pacing when she heard raised voices from the bedroom. They both headed back there, Gracia still clutching the tea cup.
“Roy, please,” Riza was saying as they came in, tears standing in her eyes.
Roy’s face was wet and blotching. He had rolled up on one elbow, twisting the sheets in his hand. “Just go away! Leave me alone! I don’t...I can’t do this now.”
“Roy!” Riza held a hand out to him.
“Go!” he screamed.
“Roy, please, that’s not nice. Riza just wants to be with you,” Gracia said, putting the tea cup on the night stand. “We’re trying to help.”
“They need to go,” Roy snarled, waving a hand at Maes and Riza.
“Riza, come on,” Maes said softly, taking her hand. He had to pull her out of the room. She seemed too stunned to walk.
“I brought your tea,” Gracia said, at a loss as to what else to do. “They love you, Roy. They’ve been waiting all day to see you. This is a poor way to repay that.”
“They deserve...I’m not good.” Roy tore a hand through his hair. “Dirty. I deserve him, not them. I don’t want them looking at me...touching me. I’m poison.”
Gracia sat on the bed next to him. “You touched me.”
Roy’s mouth worked like a baby rooting for a nipple, his face going colorless. “It’s...different. I’m sorry.”
“Because you don’t love me, not like you love them. You like me. Maybe one day we will love each other the way we love our partners but right now...” Gracia said, seeing the guilt flooding his eyes. “You’re afraid that because they love you, they’ll judge you in ways I wouldn’t.”
Roy wilted. “Yes,” his voice the palest ghost of itself.
“Well, I’m not judging you and neither are they. If I were to judge you on anything, it would be on the way you’re trying to hurt them because you think you deserve punished. You don’t, Roy. Even if you made a mistake last night, you don’t deserve punished. What that monster did to you is punish enough.” Gracia leaned in and kissed his cheek. She pulled the pain pill out of her pocket and set it next to the cup. “Now you drink your tea, and take your pill and we’re coming back here and if we want to be with you, trust it’s because we care and nothing you do is going to change that.”
Roy sniffled but reached for the tea cup meekly.
Gracia went back into the living room, shaking as the adrenaline quit her system. Maes and Riza looked at her with haunted eyes.
“He talked to you?” Riza sounded incredibly hurt.
“He thinks he’s too dirty to be touched by people who love him. I’m just someone he’s beginning to know...I guess that makes a difference,” Gracia said. “I think he’s settling a little now. He thinks he deserves to be punished. Give him a moment to pull himself together and then I say we go in there together. He can’t fight us all and if he knows we love him anyhow...” Gracia shrugged.
“Thank you, Gracia,” Riza said, her voice heavy.
“I gave him his pain pill which will probably put him to sleep. It might be nice for him to go back to sleep with us all there. I scared him...I didn’t mean to. I’ve been so afraid here alone, that Sherman might find this place and I went and said that to him. I’m sorry.” Gracia said, tears pricking at her eyes.
Maes came over and embraced her tightly. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t even think about you being afraid. I should be here with you both.”
“I know you can’t be.” Graica kissed him. “I’m just being paranoid. Let’s go in there with him before he falls back to sleep.”
They went into the room as a group. Roy couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes but he didn’t fuss when Riza put her arms around him. They surrounded him with arms until he fell back asleep with them. They tucked him in, determined to watch him in shifts.
Chapter Three
“You have a visitor, Roy,” Gracia said, knocking on the bedroom door.
“Tell Knox I don’t want to see him,” Roy called back. He scowled even though there was no one there to see his displeasure.
The door opened in spite of his wishes, Knox coming in with his doctor’s bag. The man’s face was inscrutable. Roy wished the doctor would just be honest and look disgusted with him.
“How did you know it was him?” Gracia asked, peering in.
“I could smell his cigarette,” Roy said sourly. He burrowed deeper under the covers obstinately. Why couldn’t they see he didn’t want to be bothered?
“Well, I’m sure it won’t take long for the check up,” Gracia said, shutting the door so Roy could have privacy.
“I’m fine,” Roy grumbled at the doctor.
“Yes, I can tell that by the dark rings under your eyes and that splendid bruise around your neck,” Knox said, opening his bag and pulling on gloves.
Roy sighed. “They told me you took me off duty for two weeks.”
“You could use a break,” Knox said, peeling down the covers. “All of us could after what happened in the desert. This added trauma was the last thing you needed.”
“I hate thinking about that place.” Roy scowled as he submitted to the exam. Yes, let the talk stay in Ishbal then he wouldn’t have to think about what Sherman had just done to him.
“I can’t leave the place.” Knox rolled Roy onto his belly. Roy tried hard not to shake as Knox examined the welts on his back.
“The dreams?” Roy mumbled into the pillow. Somehow it was comforting to know someone else was as disturbed as he was.
“And the waking up screaming.” Knox took a salve out of his bag and started putting it on Roy’s torn flesh.
“You, too?” Roy trembled in spite of himself. He knew this man was here to help him, just like last time. He trusted Knox but he couldn’t help stop it
“It’s driving my wife crazy.” Knox indicated for Roy to lift his hips so he could get the pj’s down. Roy tensed against the rest of the exam, in spite of Knox’s soft admonishments to relax. “I wish I had time to get to the lake house we have in Cross Creek,” Knox said, using the age-old doctor’s technique of keeping a patient’s mind off the exam by talking. It didn’t work particularly well given where Knox’s fingers were. “It’s pretty there, verdant, lush, nothing at all like that place. I should send you there. At least someone could enjoy it and you could use a little time to yourself. Sounds like those burned Ishbalans we experimented on are haunting you, too. It’s why I’m getting out.” Knox’s hands withdrew and he pulled Roy’s pants back up.
“Experimented?” Roy asked through a constricted throat as Knox peeled off his gloves. What was Knox talking about?
Knox’s hands moved to Roy’s throat, examining the bruising. “The ones you burned, the ones who didn’t die, they turned them over to the doctors and some other alchemists for experiments.”
Roy stared into the doctor’s face; the way Knox lost color only added to the horror settling in Roy’s gut. “What?” he managed to grate out.
“You didn’t know, did you?” Knox asked lowly, fearfulness entering his voice as a guilty look splashed over his face. “You had no idea what they were doing to the victims of your firestorms.” Knox rolled in his bottom lip. “I thought you knew...I’m sorry.” The doctor turned away, going to his bag, trying to hide in unless motion. “If I had known you didn’t know what the clean up crews that moved in after your little trick with the flames did, I wouldn’t have brought it up. No one needs that nightmare in their heads.”
Roy didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even think. He thought he heard himself saying it was okay. What a horrible lie. It wasn’t all right. There was nothing at all right in his life and never would be again.
Knox silently finished examining Roy’s ravished neck then closed up his bag. “You’re healing just fine. You could probably start moving around as much as you can tolerate.”
“Thanks, Knox,” Roy muttered. “I appreciate you doing this. It’s...” Roy flushed, not wanting to have to put into words how humiliated he was by what he had allowed to happen.
Knox simply fished out a cigarette. “It’s no problem and there are no records of what happened.”
Roy just wished this man would leave. He was grateful but he needed to be alone. He didn’t feel so good, not after Knox’s revelation. “Gracia told me I fell through a bannister.”
“No one will question it,” Knox assured him, “I’ll come check on you in a week.”
“Okay,” Roy said lifelessly.
He watched Knox leave, his stomach bubbling like a cauldron. Roy listened for the front door. Why wasn’t the doctor leaving? What could he be talking to Gracia about? Telling her what kind of monster she was babysitting? A cowardly monster at that. He hadn’t even had the balls to ask Knox what kind of experiments they were doing to his victims. Victims, he had never thought of them like that until Knox said it. They had been the enemy. Roy had done his very best to not think of the Ishbalans at all because he feared going mad if he did. He remembered the faces of the children. He had tried to spare as many as he could. It wasn’t always possible and that... no, he couldn’t think on it.
Roy sucked in a deep breath, trying to combat the burgeoning nausea. His mouth watered so much he expected to drool on himself. Pointing his toes, Roy dragged in air, fighting his stomach. He heard the front door open and close about the time he realized he’d never hold back his rebelling stomach.
He heard Gracia calling his name as he made the short dash to the bathroom. Pain shot up from his knees as they slammed into the tile. He barely got the toilet seat up before he lost control. Once the retching started, Roy didn’t know if he could stop it. He felt soft hands on his back, making soothing motions. Gracia’s voice kept up a mantra but beyond its soft sweet cadence he didn’t hear the words. Finally the dry heaves stopped, leaving streamers of mucus from his lips and chin to the bowl.
Roy flopped back, pressing his sore back to the cool porcelain of the tub. He didn’t want to look at Gracia. She shouldn’t have to endure this. She was an innocent, not part of the overall horror. The warm wet feel of a face cloth shocked him as she sponged his face. When had she had time to prepare that? He tried to move away. “Gracia, you don’t-”
“Shhh, Roy.” Gracia tossed the soiled towel in the sink and exchanged it for another she had ready. She draped this warm towel over his face like a veil
Roy pressed it against his skin, soaking in the warmth, letting it leech out some of the trauma roiling in him. He heard her flushing the toilet and starting to clean up his mess. “Gracia, I can do this.”
“You’re sick, Roy. Accept a little fussing.” Gracia put her hand on his shoulder. “Dr. Knox said he upset you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Roy peeled the towel off his face.
“Roy, it’s okay. You can tell me.” Gracia smoothed his damp hair back.
“It’s stuff that happened in Ishbal. He and I...well, at least I haven’t woken up screaming in your ear yet, but it’s only a matter of time,” Roy said gruffly.
“I know Maes doesn’t sleep easy either.” Gracia leaned down and slipped an arm under his and helped him up. “And if you decide you can trust me with this, Roy, you know where to find me.”
“It’s not about trust, Gracia. I trust you.” Roy slipped free of her to run the tap water. He grabbed Maes mouthwash and let it burn his raw mouth as he tried to get the taste of bile out of his mouth. He rinsed with water then realized her green eyes were still on him. “If I talk about what happened in the desert, it becomes too real. You don’t know everything I did there. I don’t deserve the title of hero. I’m sure the Ishbalans have another name for me, monster.”
Gracia’s face paled out and her lips drew down. “You are not a monster, Roy.”
His fingers curled around the edge of the vanity. “Maybe not, but I did monstrous things, Gracia. If you knew, you wouldn’t care to be here watching over me. You’d have left me to my fate.”
“Do not say that.” Her voice was darker, rougher than Roy had ever heard it. He was surprised by the sudden fire in her emerald eyes. “I won’t insult you by dismissing what any of you did there as ‘you just following orders’ but as poor an excuse as you might find that, what would have happened to you if you hadn’t?”
Roy looked away from her right into the mirror, bad choice. He hated the man there. He hadn’t even spent any time looking at what Sherman had done to him, at the puffy ring of purple around his neck. Poor Riza having to look at him like this and know he was too weak to protect himself. How could she love him? “I would have been court martialed at best, maybe even executed as a traitor at worst. Only Armstrong’s very important family kept him from being booted out but...he knows his career is dead. We all know it. Maybe that isn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me.”
Roy brushed past Gracia and went down the hall. He stopped at the door to Maes’ bedroom but didn’t go in. The room held a stale scent to it, sour, his scent. He needed a bath but it would have to wait until later. He couldn’t ask Gracia to rebandage him. Roy leaned on the wall looking in. “You have no idea at all what I’m capable of Gracia. Riza and Maes, they’re just soldiers, normal folk. People look at alchemists and call us freaks. They don’t really want to be around us.” He turned to face her. “You don’t know how much I appreciate that you don’t seem to mind what I am. The soldiers used to run from me, as if I’d turn my power against them if they annoyed me.”
“I know you’d never do that, Roy. You might have done terrible things in war but you are not a terrible person,” Gracia said, taking his hand. “And don’t tell me I don’t know you well enough yet to say that.”
He smiled weakly. “I’d like to think you’re right.”
“You look so tired, Roy. Do you want to go lie down? Or maybe you’d like to come sit with me in the living room and listen to the radio. You have to be pretty lonely just lying in there. I had made some fudge but you probably don’t feel well enough now to try a piece.”
Roy let her lead him into the living room. It was a cozy little room. The small apartment must have been Maes’ place ever since they’d gotten out of the academy. He wondered why his friend kept it while he was away at war. All Roy had was a shoebox room in the barracks. “First pie, now fudge, you’re going to make me fat.”
Gracia sat him down on the couch, running a hand surreptitiously over his chest. “You’re so thin, I don’t think a piece or two is going to hurt you. Pity me. Father makes candy. Mother is a baker. I’m lucky I can fit through doorways.”
“You have a lovely figure,” Roy assured her. “I have a weakness for sweets, but you’re right. I don’t feel like anything now.” He let his head drop back against the couch pillow. His hair felt oily and his scalp itched. “He tried to warn me.”
Her pale brow beetled. “Sorry, what?”
“Riza’s father was my teacher. He wanted to keep the secrets of flame alchemy from me. He thought I was too young and he was afraid of what I would be asked to do if I became a State Alchemist. I should have listened but hubris is a real taskmaster. I was so sure I was right and my teacher was an idiot for withholding the crucial array from me.” Roy laughed mirthlessly.
“But he did finally tell you...no, I guess he didn’t. That tattoo on Riza’s back. That’s your array isn’t it?” Gracia pursed her lips. “Somehow I assumed you had that done.”
Roy raised an eyebrow. How strange of relationship did she think he had with his lover? Then again they were involved in a foursome so why would getting your lover’s special array tattooed to your flesh seem peculiar? “No, her father made her part of his journal.”
“Oh...” Gracia seemed to get lost for a moment. She was probably repulsed by the thought. “Speaking of journals, Maes brought you some books from your place including a journal. I did open it while you were sleeping because I was bored. I closed it right away when I realized what it was. I kept meaning to bring them to you but you were always asleep when I remembered.”
“No problem. I’m not afraid you’re going to steal my alchemic secrets,” Roy said, with a hint of a smile.
“That’s what that is?” Gracia’ blushed, managing to look almost prim. “I was wondering why Maes would have brought that sort of....escapade material to you just now.”
“I’m not that big of a pervert...but it at least entertains anyone after my secrets.” Roy smirked. “I guess I have an overactive imagination.”
“Based on what little I saw, I’d say you enjoy your imagination.” She smiled at him.
Roy snorted. “Riza would probably say a little too much.” Roy sighed, wondering why he was feeling a little lighter. Gracia was making him feel better and he didn’t deserve it. “I’m tired, Gracia. Maybe we can just listen to the radio now.” He could tell she saw the change in him and didn’t like it but she turned the radio on anyhow to a mystery theater.
She went and put a few pieces of fudge on a plate and set it on the table just in case. Gracia picked up her crocheting bag and sat on the chair so he could stretch out. She started working on something with yellow yarn. Roy tried to sleep and forget what Knox had said but the yellow of the wool kept reminding him of his flames.
“Did you make that bedspread of Maes’?”
She gave him the dim eye over her crochet hook. “I have a little bit of talent, thank you. His aunt made that wretched thing and he’s just too nice to not use it. This is going to be a coverlet for sitting on the couch on cold days.”
“Nice.” Roy rolled onto his side more. “I have no talents.”
“I heard you play a mean game of...what did they call it? Goh?” Her fingers started working again.
“It’s a Xing game, very difficult and yes, I’m good at it and chess. Those are my only skills. Unless you’re a general and I have a butt to kiss. I’m good at that,” he added self-deprecatingly.
“Well, we all have to do that from time to time whether or not we like it.” Gracia’s eyes softened and Roy sighed again.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I know. Trust me, I know it well and I’m willing to do it to move up. The only way I can make sure things like Ishbal never happen again is if I’m the one with the power.”
Before Gracia could say anything to that cryptic statement, someone knocked on the door. To his surprise, she let Riza in.
“Riza, what are you doing here?” He couldn’t keep in his shock.
“Dr. Knox stopped by and asked me to his office. Apparently I have ‘female troubles’ and I’ve been given two weeks off to recover.” She flashed a lopsided smile. “I’m not sure if I’m happy or annoyed to have that on my record.”
“Well, at least you didn’t fall through a bannister,” Roy said, sitting up. “He told you I’m upset, didn’t he?”
She nodded, sitting next to him while Gracia busied herself with putting up her yarn. “He didn’t say much, just that it was about Ishbal.”
Roy ran a hand through his sticky hair. “I’ll tell you what I told Gracia, I don’t want to talk about it.” Riza gave him a sharp look but kissed his cheek gently. Her nose wrinkled. “I know. I didn’t think showering right after Knox dressed my back was a great idea. I’ll do it later. You’ll have to help fix me up...or Maes.”
“Of course. Roy, are you sure you don’t want to talk?” Riza stroked his arm.
“Positive,” he snapped. His eyes narrowed and hers mirrored Roy’s.
“Riza, since you’re home early, I could use a hand with getting dinner started,” Gracia said nervously, trying to break the fight up before it could start.
Roy watched the ladies disappear into Maes’ little kitchen. He doubted any meal was being prepared. Gracia was surely telling Riza about him throwing up and freaking out. He stretched back out and buried his face in the couch pillows. He stayed that way until he heard the front door open. He glanced up at Maes. “What? Did Knox say you have female troubles too?”
“No.” Maes flopped down and started unlacing his boots. “I have the kissing disease so I’m off duty until that clears up. He thinks it will take two weeks and he suggested some fresh lake air.” Maes dug in his pocket and came up with a set of keys. “We’ll go tomorrow.”
“And if I don’t feel like a vacation lakeside?” Roy grumbled, determined no one rob him of his right to be miserable over the things he had done and what had been done to him. He didn’t need some restful lake as an anodyne for his pain.
Maes’ lips pulled into an unaccustomed scowl. “Don’t worry, Roy, you can sulk there if you feel you have to.”
Roy glared indignantly, the sharp edges of Maes’ voice getting his hackles up. He backed down when Maes’ eyes hardened. “I don’t want to go.”
“Buddy, I know you’re hurting. No one’s expecting this to be a miracle cure for you, but Knox is sticking his neck out for us.”
Roy hunched up. “Because he feels guilty.”
“So what? Someone’s doing something nice for you. Don’t throw it in his face. Just take it for what it is, a chance to get away from the grindstone for a little while, to rejuvenate yourself. Riza and I could use it, too. None of us have had much of a break since the desert,” Maes said wearily.
“And when Sherman hears I ran away, then what?” Roy was shocked at his own venom and by what he had said. He hadn’t even realized how much he feared showing weakness in front of a man who seemed to bring that very trait out of him.
“You don’t have to worry about it. He’s gone,” Maes replied, his body tightened at the mention of the general.
“What do you mean?” The words dragged out of Roy, a tremor belying his fear.
“I tracked him down, caught up to him as he boarded the train. I checked around, he’s been stationed out west. He isn’t going to be here to hurt you any more, Roy,” Maes said, padding barefoot over to the couch. He sat in the crook of Roy’s hip, gently rubbing Roy’s thigh. “He’s not going to know what you do or where you go. He’s not going to lay a hand on you again. I know someone at West headquarters. Remember Asha from the Academy? She’s out there now.”
Roy bit his lip. He wouldn’t cry. It was so unmanly. He wanted to. He wanted to let go and give in to his fear. “Good. Maybe the Creatans will get him.”
“We can hope.” Maes leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You’re going to be okay, buddy.”
“I don’t think so, Maes. I really don’t.” Maes just gave him a look of such pity and worry Roy couldn’t stand it. He had to do something to make it stop. “Maybe two weeks by the lake will make me feel better after all.” That seemed to relieve Maes a little and Roy felt better for it.
“Good. I’ll go to your place and pack some stuff for you.”
“Thanks, Maes. You’re a good friend.” He offered up his first real honest smile in days. Maes really was too good to him. He was lucky to have people like Maes, Riza and Gracia in his life. Maes left him and the girls started banging around pots and pans. Roy just gave in to his inner turmoil and cried against the pillows until he gave into his total exhaustion and slept.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 02:09 am (UTC)*luffs*
no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 02:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 06:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-08 07:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 02:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 11:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 12:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 01:29 pm (UTC)In this sentence,
"That encountered had left him unmanned, drunk and begging for Maes to come rescue him."
Should be 'encounter', eh?
That's the only thing that jumped out at me, other than it being a great piece of course.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-04 12:17 am (UTC)This needs fixeded:
1) Even if you made a mistake last night, you don’t deserve punished. What that monster did to you is punish enough.”
2) “You, too?” Roy trembled in spite of himself. He knew this man was here to help him, just like last time. He trusted Knox but he couldn’t help stop it
Moving on to the next part now.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-04 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-05 01:33 am (UTC)Sherman deserves his own circle in Abaddon. I do not have the vocabulary to express the bile-oozing loathing I feel for this character.
Excellent work, but Sherman brings out the need to exact REVENGE (capital letters to emphazsize the need) on his pox-ridden ass.
I like stories that make me feel and this one makes me feel big-time!
no subject
Date: 2007-06-05 01:35 am (UTC)