Fic- Funeral of Hearts part two
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessas per usual my stories are too long for one post (head desk)
Chapter Four
Riza sat on the porch, looking out over the flower-studded vista that led the eye down the verdant hillside to the lake. She wanted to soak up the serenity of the place, to leech out the poisons grated into her by the sands of Ishbal. But she couldn't quite let it happen because Roy wouldn't let go of his hurt, holding onto it like a miser did gold. She knew that from the way he was treating her and Maes, so withdrawn, so cool and quiet. Her gun case sitting at her feet spoke of her own disquiet.
“Your girlfriend is really something, putting up with all of this.” Riza glanced over at Maes sitting next to her.
He half turned, peering through the screened door. Inside, Gracia had insisted on starting dinner for the weary travelers. Roy went and huddled up in a bedroom, the curtains drawn. “She’s great.”
When he didn’t take the chance to gush about his lover, Riza knew Maes was really feeling the effects of Roy’s trauma. “I wish he’d at least come out here with us.”
“He’s tired. Tomorrow, he’ll come out here tomorrow if I have to bring him out and prop him up on a tree,” Maes said, weights hanging from every word. “I saw him, Riza.”
“Sherman? Yes, I heard you tell Roy that,” Riza replied, shifting uncomfortably on the bench swing. She wanted just a few minutes alone with the man, to take him by surprise the way he took his victims.
“No, I mean I saw him, spoke to him.” Maes’ eyes glinted like topazes.
“You went to ki...” She trailed off, looking back at the house. This was something Gracia didn’t need to understand. The gentle woman might not forgive it. Riza would have no such difficulties.
Maes toyed with his glasses. “After the body count in the desert, why not add one that actually deserved it? But I was too late. He was already on the train, far too public for anything I had in mind.”
“What did the bastard say?” she hissed, the view of the lake spoiled.
“That I should learn to keep my puppy leashed up,” Maes spat. He tossed himself out of his chair and down the steps, trying to burn off the pent up fury. He caught hold of the bannister and looked over it at Riza. “And that I should train him better to accept his collar.”
Riza picked up her gun case and started cleaning by rote. “We should have killed him in Ishbal.”
“Not like you didn’t try,” Maes reminded her, all the usual joyful lines gone from his face.
Riza thought about that day. She had secured an Ishbalan weapon but the damn winds whipped sand into her eye just as she pulled the trigger. She only managed to hurt Sherman’s shoulder enough to get him sent home where she couldn’t make him pay. It had been a dismal disaster. “Not hard enough. What did you say to Sherman?”
“What could I say?” Maes rested his chin on the crossbar. “If I opened my mouth, I probably would have ruined us all. Then he said...he threatened to come back for Roy and Gracia sometimes.” A tremor raced through Maes. Riza’s hand stopped with the cleaning rag, bunching it up before she hurled it to the floor. She reassembled her gun. “Said you and I weren’t worth the effort.”
Stone faced, Riza loaded her weapon. She walked off the porch. “Tell Gracia I might be late for dinner.” Riza headed off to find a place with a nice, safe back stop to shoot the hell out of. She didn’t know how to help Roy. She had never seen him close her out like this. She felt like a stranger to him, like someone he didn’t even want to know. Riza could only hope being at the lake might help.
X X X
Riza looked at the bedroom in dismay. Luckily, the doctor’s cottage only had two bedrooms or Roy would have surely isolated himself completely. She had half expected Roy to sleep on the couch just so she wouldn’t be near him. As it was, he had taken down some extra pillows and put them in the center of the big bed. She suspected he’d tell her that they were to support his back, which she knew did legitimately hurt him but they both knew the reality: It was a wall to keep her away from him.
Riza put her gun case back in the closet and kicked off her shoes. It felt so odd to not have on heavy boots and thick wool. She could feel Roy’s eyes on her as she changed into a nightgown. He said nothing as she slipped into the bed. She reached over and stroked his arm. “Roy, can I move these and get a little more room?”
“They’re helping. It hurts too much to lay flat,” he said, his eyes shifting away from her.
Riza didn’t point out she had seen him doing it just fine when he was in bed alone. It wasn’t worth that fight. She just snuggled into the pillows, stretching a little to rest her hands on him. Roy squirmed just out of range, to a place his precious pillows weren’t going to help him. “Roy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you tottering on the edge of the bed?” She couldn’t quite keep the frustration out of her voice. Didn’t he know just how much his pulling away hurt her?
“Maybe I should go sleep on the couch.” He flipped the covers back.
“Roy, don’t be ridiculous. You’re hurt. You need a good night’s rest. If my being here...” Riza choked off. She couldn’t begin to define how much it hurt. “I can go sleep on the couch if you want me to.”
“No,” he murmured and pulled the covers back up. “I just don’t want you touching me, okay?”
“No, it’s not,” she said, wishing for a moment she could reel those words back in, then decided, no, it was for the best that it was out there. Dancing around him just wasn’t going to work forever. Her pain swirled through her voice like a fierce storm. “Roy, I know you’re hurting but all I want to do is help. I don’t know what I can do for you but you won’t even let me or Maes try.”
Roy huddled up, not looking at her. “I don’t know why you even want to. You want to try to love me and I’m almost greedy enough to let you.”
“You say that like it’s such a horrible thing. What could possibly be wrong with love, Roy?” Riza reached over the pillows once more, questing for his hand.
Roy incredibly managed to make himself even smaller. “When it’s wasted on the undeserving.”
“What Sherman did to you did not make you undeserving, Roy?” Riza’s eyes sheened. Sherman needed to die for all the pain he’d caused so many people. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“Really?” he twisted around to face her as he sneered. “Isn’t that what you’re all thinking? If I had come home to dinner like I was supposed to, then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if I wasn’t drunk, he wouldn’t have done this to me or maybe I should have called Maes and cried like a baby for him to come get me because I was too afraid to be alone?”
Riza reared back as if slapped. “Roy, no one thinks that, except apparently, you.”
His face twisted. “Don’t lie to me. You had to think it, just a little.”
“Roy, I don’t know how to make this any clearer, I don’t blame you. Maes doesn’t blame you. Why is it you seem to think only Gracia doesn’t blame you?” Riza’s voice could have grated steel.
“Because she’s not stupid enough to try and love me.” His eyes went dead black. “And this doesn’t have to do with Sherman. Not at all.”
Riza grabbed his arm, dragging him closer. “Then tell me what the hell Knox said, because that has to be it.”
“What’s to say?” Roy tore free of her grip. “You should go find someone who’s not a monster to be with, Riza. I’ll only take you down with me.”
“I love you, Roy and you are not a monster. I’ve loved you from before you even realized who I was, since before I trusted you with my back. I’m not going to stop now.”
Roy flopped over, away from her. “I wish you would have kept your back to yourself.”
Riza was too stunned to speak for a moment because she actually believed him. Was he blaming her for this anguish he was mired in? Her father had tried to warn him what the State would do with his alchemy but her lover was an idealist. Ideals died hard and painfully and obviously there was a lot of blow back. “What are you trying to say to me, Roy?”
“That I can’t be here with you right now,” Roy said, his voice hollow yet amazingly sharp.
“Fine!” Her voice cracked as tears slid down her face. She made no attempt to shield him from the deep gouges he left in her soul. She tore the blanket off the bed and snared a pillow. “If this is how you’re going to be, then I don’t want to be here with you.”
Riza almost crashed, tear-blind, into the doorframe as she ran out. She threw herself on the couch and wept.
X X X
“I can’t believe he said that to you,” Gracia said, bringing Riza a morning cup of coffee out to her on the front porch. “I thought coming here would help.”
“I don’t even know what’s hurting him so much. He said it wasn’t Sherman and...I believe him. That’s the hard part, Gracia. If it was that bastard, I’d at least know how to show Roy it doesn’t matter what happened to him, that I love him anyhow.” Riza rubbed at her puffy eyes. “And he only seems to want to talk to you.”
“I know. I wish...I don’t want to be in the middle, Riza. I didn’t try to put myself there,” Gracia said, shifting uncomfortably as she sat in the low chair, angled to give her a panoramic view of the lake.
“Oh, Gracia, I don’t blame you. He’s doing it...you’re safe. You don’t hold his heart.” Riza sipped at her coffee, willing it to have taste but it just seemed hot and bitter. “If you hate him for whatever it is he thinks he’s done, he only loses his best friend’s girl.”
Gracia nodded, finger combing her honey brown hair. She glanced back at the house. “I know. Maes shouldn’t have gone to talk to him, not when he was mad like that.”
“I didn’t mean to upset Maes,” Riza said, remembering the hard look in the man’s eyes when he and Gracia woke up to find her huddled up on the couch.
“I don’t see how it could avoid it. Maybe just getting it all out in the open will help. You can’t heal a poisoned wound,” Gracia said, twisting as they both heard heavy foot steps heading their way.
Maes banged out the door, his face blotching with rage. He thundered down the steps and raised his arms up to the sky as if willing his anger there. He let them drop and turned to face the women. “Well, he’s not coming out here with us, that’s for damn sure.”
“What did he say to you?” Riza asked.
“A variation of what he said to you, goading me. I swear, he wanted me to hit him,” Maes shuddered. “No, I know he did. He wanted me to punish him.”
“Here’s an idea, why don’t you just call Dr. Knox and tell him whatever happened has really upset Roy and you need to know what was said. He obviously feels guilty about what was said. Look at this great place.” Gracia waved a hand at the lake. “Want me to go find his number? I know he gave it to us in case we accidentally burned the cabin down or something.”
“Please, this can’t go on. Roy’s miserable and he’s making all of us miserable, sweetie.” Maes came up on the porch and kissed her cheek.
“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner,” Riza said, self-reproach burning in her brown eyes.
“Knox sort of danced around me when I asked when he gave me leave for being sick,” Maes said, looking energized at long last. “Get me that number, Gracia. I’ll make sure Knox doesn’t do it again. I’m sure he’ll tell us if he knows it’s tearing Roy up. He sent us here to be sure none of us ended up in a sanitarium.”
“I’ll go find it.” Gracia set her coffee on the porch railing and headed inside. She decided to just peek in on Roy since Maes had been so upset, she could only imagine Roy was as well. He might at least accept a cup of coffee from her.
When she peered through the door frame, Gracia felt as if a vortex had caught her, whipping her around like a summer storm. Roy sat on the bed, tears dripping from his chin. In his shaking hand, he held a gun, the barrel penetrating his mouth. His eyes were shut. He would have looked peaceful if not for the metal his lips were pursed around.
“Oh my god, Roy, no!” she shrieked as he drew the hammer back.
Chapter Five
Riza nearly scalded herself with her coffee, hearing Gracia’s scream. She and Maes exchanged petrified looks, then both tore inside. They could hear Gracia and Roy screaming at one another and the sounds of a struggle. Riza nearly plowed into Maes as they careened into the bedroom and saw Gracia trying to wrestle a pistol away from Roy.
“That’s mine! It’s loaded!” Riza froze in place, unable to believe what she was seeing.
“Gracia, let go before he accidentally shoots you!” Maes cried, vaulting across the room. He looped his arms around his lover’s waist and pulled. She had a death grip on Roy’s wrists.
“Give it to me, Roy!” Riza ordered, trying to wrest her high-powered weapon free. There was no expression on Roy’s face. So blank, so absent it terrified her more than the gun.
For several long moments, a strange ballet of bodies twisted on the mattress stage before Roy let the gun go. Riza fell back, nearly losing her footing. Roy howled wordlessly before going limp in Gracia and Maes’ arms.
Riza opened the pistol’s barrel, dumping the bullets into her palm. She pocketed them then rejoined the others, slipping her arms around Roy. Her throat was too tight to talk. She could hear the others but the words made no sense to her chaotic mind. Roy had tried to leave her; no, he had tried to use her to take himself away. He had tried suicide in Ishbal. That had been scary enough. Seeing it now, Riza realized part of her almost expected him to try but she had been utterly unprepared for the terror that seeped into every pore, making her sick with its poisons.
Riza put her lips close to his ear and whispered, “Don’t die.”
He jumped, his ear colliding with her mouth. Riza nearly tumbled from the bed as Gracia let Roy go and all their weights shifted on the mattress. Roy burrowed his face against the bed, sobbing hard.
“Easy, buddy.” Maes rubbed Roy’s shoulders. “Just take it easy. Nothing is as bad as all this.”
“You don’t know.” Roy’s voice was muffled by the pillow.
“You’re right. I don’t. Tell me,” Maes entreated, keeping up his soothing motion.
“Roy, I can’t lose you, not like this,” Riza said, tears threatening to pour like rain. She tried to find his hand but he balled them up under himself. “Roy, tell us what’s happening. We don’t understand. We can’t help you if you won’t let us.”
Roy lifted his face out of the pillows, his jet eyes flashing with fire. “I don’t want your help.”
“No, you’d rather let your lovers live with the knowledge they failed you when you needed them most. How cruel is that?” Gracia snapped, her usually placid face alive with choler.
“Gracia,” Maes hissed but she held up her hand. “All this time we’ve been arguing that you’re not a monster but to do this, with Riza’s gun, letting her to blame herself, that is heinous,” Gracia fumed, pointing to Riza. “Look at her, Roy, and ask yourself how you could even think of doing this to her.”
Riza was about to add her silencing voice to Maes’ warning but Roy sat upright, rigid with rage. This was something different than the self-pitying fearfulness that had consumed him since the attack and Riza knew then what Gracia was doing, trying to bring it to a head so the wound could be lanced. She was the least invested in Roy, had the least to lose if it didn’t work. Of course, it could backfire but how much worse could things get?
“You have no idea what you’re talking about Gracia,” Roy snarled, his fists balling in the sheets as he edged closer menacingly.
“You’re right, I don’t. All I know is you’re hurting badly and that whatever it is, you think you should die for it. You won’t even give us a chance to help,” Gracia replied, not backing down from him.
“You have no idea what I’m capable of, Gracia, of the things I’ve done. If you did, you wouldn’t think of forgiveness.” Roy tried to get to his feet and Maes pushed him back down on the bed.
“So you’ve already said. Why don’t you tell me this horrible thing that’s consuming you and we’ll see? Tell us all.” Gracia gestured to their friends.
Roy looked away, peeling Maes’ fingers off his arm. “Maes and Riza would forgive it. They have the same blood on them.”
“So you think your lovers are killers?” Riza’s voice was a low growl. “No, I guess you’re right. Kimbley made that point in the desert and you nearly took his head off. What’s changed?”
“You don’t want to tell us because what? You think Riza and I are okay with what you alchemists did in the desert?” Maes face lost its vitality. “Let me tell you, Roy, I’m not. We did what we did so we wouldn’t be the ones in the body bags. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with it. Honestly, some of the stuff you do...scares the hell out of me. I don’t know how you didn’t just go mad but I guess in little ways, you did. It took a toll. You and Armstrong suffered visibly and that, at least, means something. You’re not like Kimbley who enjoyed the hell out of the destruction. That’s unforgivable. You...” Maes broke off, unable to withstand the onyx-eyed scrutiny his words brought upon him. “They didn’t give you a choice, Roy.”
“Have you told her the things we did?” Roy nodded toward Gracia, his face hard as rock, baked emotionless from his own inner fire.
“Gracia knows we’re soldiers, that we’ve killed. She doesn’t need the gruesome details,” Maes said, running a soothing hand over Gracia’s back.
“But you could tell me, Roy,” Gracia put in, resting a hand on Maes’ shoulder. “If you think that Maes and Riza are unfairly biased in your favor because they’ve killed then see what I think of you. Tell me what Knox said before I ask him. He’ll tell me but I’d rather you did. Talk to me, Roy. I don’t have any background that includes having to kill that might make me lenient to you.”
Roy eyed her, his breath coming in pants. “You’ll hate me for the for the nightmares.”
“You tried to kill yourself over this, Roy. I think we all know whatever you have to say will be unpleasant.” Gracia sat on the edge of the bed, facing him. “Or did you lie to Riza about this not being about Sherman, not that he’s not unpleasant?”
“He’s not worth killing myself over,” Roy growled, a look of disgust whipping across his face. “Him I can survive. But this...the winds are turning my flames back onto me and it’s leaving me ash.”
“Then tell me,” Gracia said, beckoning Riza over. “Tell her. You hurt Riza badly. She ought to know why.”
“I burned people,” Roy said, wetting his lips. “You all already knew that.”
Gracia nodded. “I’ve guessed as much”
“Knox told me they took the survivors and experimented on them. I destroyed their lives and what little I left of them, our military gave over to doctors like Knox and to other alchemists so they could run experiments.” Roy’s voice raised in pitch with every word, all the horror in him packing each one like little bombs.
Gracia felt her face fall. Riza looked like she might faint. Maes made an unhappy noise in the back of this throat.
“What did Knox say they did?” Riza whispered, moving towards him. Roy flinched.
“I don’t know. I didn’t want to know. I took the coward’s way out, didn’t ask.” Roy scooted back on the bed, resting against the headboard. He huddled there like a little boy fresh from a nightmare.
“You’re not a coward,” Riza said, and he couldn’t look at her.
“Roy, why would they do such a horrible thing?” Graica asked, drawing his attention back to her.
He shook his head. “No clue what the doctors would have wanted with them. Whatever it was, it’s destroying Knox. There are things involving humans that alchemy forbids.”
Riza put her hands over her mouth. “Chimeras.”
“What?” Maes asked, looking frantically between her and Roy, trying to decipher the unfamiliar word.
“A hybrid of human and animal,” Roy spat, revulsion like a fever in his eyes.
“My god.” Gracia rocked back. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Roy said softly. He met her gaze. “Now you see what sort of monster I am. I gave these poor people to them. I made them countless victims. I ask you, am I forgivable? Do I deserve to live.”
“Did you know what they were doing?” Graica asked and all he could do was shake his head. “I’m sure you didn’t. I think you would have done something different, taken the risk of insubordination if you had.”
“That doesn’t change what happened. They made me a hero,” he snarled, beating a hand on his chest. “I’m no hero. I deserve to die. If I would have described my crimes to them in the desert.” He stabbed a finger at Riza and Maes, “they would have killed me on principle. They should now.”
“Never going to happen, buddy,” Maes said, his voice strained.
“You can’t keep thinking like this, Roy. You’re right, we can’t change it. We just have to find a way of dealing with it.” Riza reached out to him.
Roy shrank back again. “I don’t know how to live with this, Riza. I can’t.”
“You will because you have a lot of people who love you, no matter what,” Gracia said as Riza managed to capture Roy in a hug.
He started crying against her shoulder. “It feels wrong.”
“You told me a beautiful dream, Roy, that day we buried Father. I believed in your dream. I gave you the power to help bring it forward. None of us expected the Fuhrer and the others to ask you to pervert it so badly.” Riza rocked him as she spoke, tears marching one by one down her cheeks. “Maybe you and I were just too idealistic but I still believe in that dream. I know you want to help people and it’s not too late. You can’t wash away the past but you can do better in the future.”
“What if they send us to another war? I can’t do this again,” Roy said, burying his face tight against her neck.
“Then you quit. You don’t have to be a State Alchemist,” Riza said practically, smoothing his hair.
“I don’t see why you want to touch me,” Roy said, jumping as Maes touched his shoulder. “Any of you.”
“We love you, that’s the only thing we have to know. We don’t care about what you were ordered to do or what they did behind your back,” Maes said, his fingers tightening against Roy’s shoulder.
“And do you care about what I did with Sherman?” Roy snarled, lifting his face off Riza’s shoulder. He glared at Maes.
“That wasn’t your fault,” Maes said.
“You don’t even know what he did, what I did, how I helped him,” Roy said.
“What are you talking about?” Maes’ nose wrinkled.
“I don’t want to talk about it, especially with you, Riza. You already have to protect me because I’m too weak...what will you think if you know it all?” Roy's trembling was nearly enough to shake off her arms.
“Roy, I don’t protect you because I think you’re weak. I protect you because I love you. I do it because you’re special and your dream for a better future needs all the help I can give it.” She stroked his hair some more. “I would never think you’re weak.”
“Not even if I said he got me off?” Roy shot back venomously. Riza’s eyes widened. Maes put a hand on Roy’s arm and he batted it away, distancing himself from them both. “See?”
“Roy, even I know that sometimes that happens, touch it and it goes out of your control. I don’t believe for a moment you wanted Sherman touching you,” Riza said, catching hold of him once more.
“Apparently I liked it well enough. He laughed, told me he could see how much I liked it. I...I came all over myself.” Roy’s eyes hardened and he trembled. “Don’t tell me I’m not weak...I can’t talk about this with you.”
“I think you need to talk about it Roy,” Riza said, taking his hand. “You need to let this all out. It’s killing you inside. Gracia and I can go if you think you can talk to Maes....or is that even more difficult since he’s a guy? You did good talking to Gracia.”
“You know I’m not going to judge you, Roy,” Maes said, his face darkening at the mere thought.
Roy wiped at his eyes. “Leave me alone with Maes, please.” The girls nodded, leaving them. Roy pulled away, trying to find a place he could hide himself on the bed and failed. He rested against the headboard. “This is insane. I’m worried about looking weak in front of the girls and I’m bawling in front of you.”
Maes cupped Roy’s chin. “I’ve always thought the adage ‘boys don’t cry’ just puts undo pressure on us. Sometimes you have every right to it. The girls were right. You need to get this out of you, Roy. None of us will survive you taking your own life, do you understand that?” Roy just nodded, not trusting his voice. Maes’ big hand smoothed over Roy’s cheek. “Tell me what you can about Sherman. What happened this time?”
“I skipped out on dinner and went to the bar. I was already drunk by the time he arrived.” Roy slipped down the head board and Maes caught hold of him, folding him close. “I actually stood up to him a little at the bar. He told me he was here to speak on Kimbley’s behalf and then he left. I know I should have called for a ride or joined Armstrong. I thought I had waited long enough...didn’t think he’d hide and wait.”
Maes buried his fingers in Roy’s hair, gently massaging and petting him. “I wouldn’t have thought it either, buddy.”
“I was so drunk, Maes. I had no business trying to walk home, even if Sherman hadn’t been there.” Roy broke off, crying too hard to talk. Maes held him tighter. “By the time I realized that the helpful stranger who picked me up when I fell outside the bar and tried to walk me home was Sherman, it was way too late. He pulled me into the park and I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t even know what was going on at first.”
“I’m so sorry, Roy. I should have come looking for you when you didn’t show for dinner,” Maes said, self-recrimination in his voice.
“Not your responsibility. I knew you and the girls would be pissed at me. I didn’t care. I was feeling sorry for myself.” Roy rested his forehead in the crook of Maes’ shoulder. “When I realized it was him, I tried to fight. It was pathetic. That’s when he hit me with the belt...don’t think he needed that to put me in the grass. I pretty much fell there. He did it because....it excited him.” He stopped his narrative, taking deep breaths to calm himself. “The next thing I knew he was in me.” Roy shuddered. “I remember screaming but no one seemed to hear. Then...oh god, Maes...I just helped him do it, moved with him, matching him. Didn’t want to...just hurt less that way.”
Maes pulled Roy around so he was facing him. He smoothed back Roy’s hair. “Listen to me, Roy. You weren’t helping him. You didn’t want him to do this to you. You tried to save yourself pain. There is nothing wrong with that. No one here is going to blame you for that. I don’t, please believe me.”
Roy faded into the greenish hues. “Let me up, gonna get sick.”
Maes tore Roy off the bed but Roy didn’t get far. He ended up knees down on the thick carpet next to the bed but at least managed to hit the hardwood floor as he vomited up a thin stream of mucus and bile. When he was done retching, Roy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Sorry, so sorry.”
Maes pulled him against his chest, resting his own back on the bed. “It’s all right, Roy. Don’t worry about it, I’ll clean it up. You need to get this all out of you. Let us share some of the burden.”
“It shouldn’t be yours to share. I hurt everyone,” Roy mumbled, shaking uncontrollably.
“No, Sherman did.” Maes puled him close, stroking Roy’s shoulders. “You were the victim, Roy.”
“Made myself an easy one.” Each word sounded like the chorus of a threnody.
“You need to stop beating yourself up over it. Finish the story, Roy. He didn’t like you trying to make it easier on yourself, did he?” Maes asked, rubbing Roy’s shoulders.
“Hated it...that’s when he used the braid on his uniform to strangle me. And he started touching me.” Roy quivered, tears starting again. “He laughed and told me strangling made it easier for him to turn me on...I didn’t want it, Maes.”
“I know, Roy, I know.” Maes planted a soft kiss on Roy’s forehead. “He did it to humiliate you, to make you feel guilty.”
“Well, it worked,” Roy said grimly. “He made me...I couldn’t stop it.”
“You told me this part. You don’t have to go through it again if you don’t want to,” Maes said gently.
Roy nodded. “After that he finished and then we heard someone coming. I was too weak to do anything. I think I blacked out when he was tightening that braid at one point. He pulled up my pants and walked me out of the park. I remember him telling whoever it was, he was helping a drunk friend home. He left me on the sidewalk and told me he’d come find me the next time he wanted a little fun because I was so good.” Roy snapped those words out bitterly.
Maes embraced him as tightly as he dared. “He’s gone, Roy. He can’t hurt you any more. He’s out west. I’ll get Asha to let us know if he goes out on assignment or takes leave. We’ll protect you from him. I’ll keep you safe.”
“You make me feel safe.” Roy slid his arms around Maes, reciprocating the hug for the first time since it all started. “Like my daddy used to. When I was little and had a nightmare, Mom couldn’t quiet me down. Only Daddy could.” Roy pressed his cheek against Maes shoulder. “You remind me of him. You’re going to be a good dad someday, Maes.”
“Until then, I’ll practice on you when you need me to,” Maes promised, disengaging himself from Roy. He got up and helped Roy to his feet. “Let’s get you out of this room. You’re going outside, no arguments, and I’ll clean up in here.”
“No one is going to leave me by myself now are they?” Roy asked pitifully.
“No way in hell. Don’t take it the wrong way, buddy. Just assume we’re watching you like a hawk because we love you,” Maes said, walking him out of the room. He steered Roy past the anxious women waiting in the living room. “Roy’s going to sit on the porch if you care to join him, Riza. Gracia, dear, he could use something to settle his stomach.”
“I think I have ginger. I can make him some tea,” she said, going for the kitchen.
Maes took an unprotesting Roy outside and parked him on the bench swing. “There you go. I’ll go clean up the room.”
Roy just nodded, grabbing Maes’ hand. “Thanks,” he said gruffly. Riza sat down next to Roy, her huge brown eyes seeming depthless as he gazed into them. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself,” he whispered.
“I would have,” she replied, honestly.
Roy took a choking breath then broke down. He crumbled into her lap. She just pillowed his head there, stroking his hair until finally he went quiet. They rested together that way for a long time.
Chapter Six
In the space of the two minutes that Riza had used to go to the bathroom, Roy had disappeared. She hadn’t expected any trouble during the night time vigil. He had been asleep. Her heart thumped. Maes had hidden her gun, his knives and Roy’s gloves but there was a huge lake, perfect for committing suicide in.
As she raced through the house, she saw Roy wasn’t in the living room and there were no sounds of anyone in the kitchen. Convinced she would find him dead and it would be all her fault, Riza went out the door and saw Roy sitting on the stairs, staring up at the sky. “Roy?”
“Sorry, Riza. I know I should have waited for you to come out here with me,” he said, not looking back at her.
She tried not to let her fear dissolve into rage. Neither one would help Roy. “My nerves would have appreciated it.”
“It’s been so long since I just looked up at the stars. I’d forgotten how beautiful they are.” He patted the step next to him.
Riza took that invitation and sat next to him. She put her head on his shoulder as she looked up. “It is lovely.”
“Could we sit here for a while, Riza? I know you have to be exhausted and I’m sorry. For everything, for all the horri-”
She put a hand over his mouth. “I know, Roy. I know you’re hurting. I forgive you.”
His eyes shut. “Forgive...that’s a very big word for such a small man.”
“Oh, Roy.” Riza sighed, her voice hoarse. “Please, I don’t want you beating up on yourself. I don’t want to cry any more today.”
Roy gnawed his lower lip. “I’m sorry, for everything.”
“And I forgive you for it. Shhh, Roy, let’s just sit and look at the stars.” Riza kissed him softly.
Roy’s return on the kiss wasn’t much but he didn’t pull away. Instead he put an arm around her and resumed stargazing. She curled her fingers in his, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze then let him have his silence for a long while.
“There’s so much moonlight tonight,” he said finally. “It’s like having a lantern.”
“I’ve noticed. It’s pretty,” Riza said and thought that was the truth. The silvery orb seemed to shimmer and dance on the placid water of the lake. This was a place she wouldn’t mind waking up to every day. She understood why Doctor Knox kept it.
Roy interlaced his fingers, draping them over his knees. “When is your babysitting shift over?”
“Roy,” she rumbled, glaring at him.
“It’s what it is,” he insisted, looking very unapologetic. . “I didn’t say I didn’t need it or...that I didn’t like it. I appreciate what you’re all doing for me.”
“A few more hours,” she replied, somewhat mollified by that.
“Are you going to come to bed with me later?” Roy’s voice was soft, almost afraid.
“Well, I don’t mind if Maes watches us sleep. Do you want me to stay with you?” She hoped he’d say yes.
Roy bobbed his head. “Yes. Riza, before we go in, think we could walk to the lake? I think we have enough light. It’s just so beautiful right now. I don’t want to waste it.”
“Of course, love,” she said and his head swivelled her way. He wasn’t used to her using sweet nothings with him. He smiled softly. Riza got up first, letting him snuggle into her side as they walked. They had wanted this place to help give Roy a little peace. It looked like maybe it finally was.
X X X
Riza peeked into the bedroom. Roy wasn’t asleep for a change. He was actually reading. Granted, it was one of her father’s old journals that Maes had packed for Roy but at least he was reading and doing things that were normal for him. Maes promised to unpack the goh board and let Roy teach him how to play the intricate game but tonight they had other things planned for Roy, another way of showing him how very important he was to them.
Roy glanced over at her, his eyes barely lifting over the edge of the book. “Did you want to go for a little walk around the lake tomorrow, Riza? I think I’m well enough to do that.”
Riza knew he was a city boy. A hike in the woods probably wasn’t his first choice of things to do and she appreciated his effort. “That sounds nice. May I join you?” She gestured to the bed.
Roy set the book aside, nodding. He had the look of a man about to apologize. She arched an eyebrow at him and the look hurried off his face. Riza slipped into bed and snuggled in close, thrilled that he didn’t protest. Even after their late night walk the night before, they shared the bed but Roy held himself distant.
She pressed her lips to his. Within moments, he yielded to her and she deepened the kiss, her tongue flicking over his. Roy’s arms slid around her, pulling her tight to him. “So nice,” he murmured.
“It is,” she said, stroking his cheek then trailed her fingers around his ears. His eyes shut like a satisfied cat and he all but purred at her touch. Roy liked being petted and that was a big part of tonight’s plans. As her mouth worked against his, she slipped a hand under his shirt, circling a finger around his navel.
Roy gasped, scooting away just a bit. “Riza?”
“Yes?” She kept up the movement with her hand.
A hint of color touched his cheeks. “I’m not sure I can.”
“I know your back’s probably not in any shape for anything strenuous but a little creativity can get us around that.” She nipped at his chin. “Is that okay?” She watched his face intently, getting a little disheartened when he hesitated.
“I think it will be,” he said finally, uncertainty seeping out of his voice.
“If it gets too intense, we’ll stop,” she promised, licking the blue-green, fading bruise around his neck.
“Okay,” he stammered.
Riza eased his shirt up, her tongue flicking over his erect nipples. Roy’s fingers toyed with her hair as she rolled him onto his side to give his back a break. She gently took off his shirt then traced his collar bone from one side to the other, listening to him moan a little. Her hands and lips played with his skin, staying away from the small of his back, which was still bandaged.
Riza felt his erection pressing into her belly but kept herself away from there for the moment. She and her partners had agreed that the best course of action would be to ease into it slowly, if Roy even allowed himself to be touched. While Riza believed him that the suicide attempt was over the things that he had done in Ishbal, she didn’t think for a moment being raped by Sherman was that far from Roy’s mind. He felt dirty and used and she understood that. She was hoping tonight would show him that they didn’t see him in that light.
Roy nipped her shoulder, trying to get her shirt up. Riza complied by removing it and her bra for him. One of her favorite things about the way Roy made love was that he wasn’t shy about using his tongue and lips. He nuzzled her breasts greedily and she ran her fingers through his soft hair as he did. He was so lost exploring the topography of her body she knew he didn’t notice Gracia coming into the room wearing nothing but a robe. She carried a bottle of oil for later. Gracia had turned her candy making skills to the oils they used, taking the time honored simple oil and infusing it with extracts, with careful sampling on less sensitive skin just to make sure nothing would irritate them. Riza wondered which flavor the confectioner had brought.
Gracia set the bottle down and joined them with a brushing of her fingers over Roy’s shoulders. His head jerked up away from Riza’s breast and he stared at Gracia for a moment. They had all debated whether or not Riza should just be with Roy alone but decided he needed to see how much they all needed him. She knew now would be the time they found out if this was a mistake or not. His eyes flicked towards the door, perhaps searching for Maes, then he twisted on the bed to face Gracia. Roy grabbed her silken robe, pulling her closer as he kissed the most convenient part for him to reach, the tip of her breast.
Gracia slipped into bed, her mouth finding Roy’s hungrily. Riza took the opportunity provided by their shifting bodies to tug down Roy’s pants. He made a happy whimpering noise as Gracia continued to devour his mouth. Riza lathed her tongue over the weeping head of his cock, hearing him moan. Gracia broke away long enough to get the bottle of oil and decant a little into Riza’s waiting hand. As Riza massaged it into his penis, Gracia turned her attentions to his nipples. Blackberries, she thought as she lolled her tongue up and down his greased shaft. Between the two of them, they had Roy groaning and writhing on the bed.
Riza paused in her administrations, trying to judge her lover’s mental state. From the way his eyes were closed, his body lax, she figured that he was wholly comfortable with them. Now came for the real test, would he still be comfortable with Maes? It had taken Roy a little while to trust his best friend after the first time but Riza suspected that time might have been even worse for Roy given the circumstances since there had been two of them hurting him. She moved to one side as Maes slipped into the room. She gave Roy’s cock a final lick before surrendering it to Maes.
Maes kissed the base of Roy’s cock, then nuzzled the muscular insides of Roy’s thighs. Instead of pulling away, Roy just snickered. “Your beard tickles.”
Maes rubbed it against Roy’s skin. “Really?”
Roy giggled some more. “You should shave.”
“Uh-uh,” Gracia tapped Roy’s nose. “I like that tickle.”
“And I get to do this with her much more than you so what she wants, rules.” Maes grinned up at Roy. He moved over Roy, planting a hand on either side of Roy’s face, holding himself up over him. They all waited for Roy’s reaction. He quivered for a moment then reached up, and pulled Maes down for a kiss.
Gracia and Riza gave them some space on the bed, instinctively knowing this was where Roy would need to heal the most. Now robe-less, Gracia stripped Riza’s pants off. They allowed themselves heated explorations with lips and fingers for several luscious moments before turning back to their men. Maes had Roy on his side again, his oil-slicked hand stroking both their shafts against each other. They kissed deeply as Maes kept up the slow, deliberate motion on their cocks.
Riza slipped out of Gracia’s embrace and stretched out along side Roy’s back. His lips broke away from Maes’ as he twisted trying to find her mouth. Holding on tightly, she kissed him hard, then let one hand stray down to tease his testicles. Gracia was deliciously torturing her lover’s body while his attention remained mostly on Roy. Between her hands and Maes,’ they had Roy groaning until his whole body quaked with release. Afterwards, he lay languidly between Riza and Maes, while Gracia guided Maes over the edge.
They remained curled together, the only sounds their deep breathing and happy sighs. Maes twisted a bit, laying flat on the bed. He pulled Roy firmly on top of him while the ladies pressed in from either side, leaving Roy surrounded on three sides. He lay contently within that shelter, seeming to soak up every drop of love being showered on him. Finally, he maneuvered so he could kiss Riza then Gracia before snuggling his cheek against Maes’ slick chest.
“Should get up. Squashing you,” he murmured.
“You’re not that heavy, Roy.” Maes smiled at him, ruffling Roy’s hair.
They didn’t move for a little while longer but eventually Riza led Roy into the shower where cleaning up took much longer than absolutely necessary. By the time she had him rebandaged, the bed had been changed and Gracia and Maes had disappeared into their room.
“The bed’s not quite big enough for all of us,” Riza said apologetically as Roy climbed in.
“That’s all right.” He held his arms out to her. Riza snuggled up with him. “I almost never get to wake up with you. This will be nice.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “We have well over a week more to treat ourselves here.”
“Good.” He nuzzled her hair. “Thank you for tonight.”
“Do you understand now how much you mean to all of us?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” He crushed her to him. “Sometimes you might have to remind me and make me listen, even when I don’t want to.”
“That’s a promise,” she said, trying hard not to cry. He didn’t need that guilt on top of what he already had.
Roy relaxed his grip, kissing her. They curled up together as content as two cats sharing a sunbeam.
Chapter Seven
“The wounds healed up nicely. I doubt you’ll even see a lot of scarring,” Knox said as Roy levered himself up out of his belly-down position on the exam table. The infirmary was quiet and it was chilly inside the exam room.
“Good.” Roy swung off the table. He reached for his clothing. “Thanks for letting us use your place. I needed the break.”
“Figured as much. Mine’s coming soon enough. I’ll be out of here,” Knox said, anticipation for that event very evident on his face.
“I have to ask...what did they have you doing?” Roy didn’t want to know but he had to find out.
Knox shook his head. Anticipation was forced out by revulsion. “Forget I ever said it.”
“I can’t.” Roy buttoned his shirt slowly, not looking at Knox. “It’s killing me, almost literally.”
Knox gave him a look of surprise and pity. “I don’t know what the alchemists did to the people and they pretty much made it clear that if I talked about it, I wouldn’t have much of a life expectancy. What they wanted me for was to monitor pain levels in burn victims. It’s horribly painful but I’m sure you already knew that.”
“Sometimes, when I’d watch them burn, I’d wonder what the hell happened, how the flames got started then I remember it was me. It seemed to unreal to believe,” Roy said in a low voice.
“Try not to believe it. Maybe you’ll stay sane,” Knox said with a bitter laugh as he made a few notes in Roy’s chart.
“Any bets on that?” Roy asked sardonically.
“Not really. Go on, I’m done with you. In fact, I’ll be happy if I never see you or another soldier ever again,” Knox said gruffly, his eyes narrowing.
“You’ll see me again if I need help off the record. You and I...this past just tangles us up, doesn’t it?” Roy returned, his eyes hard.
Knox snorted. “You’re a brat, you know that, right?”
“It’s been said.” Roy smirked.
“Try not to need me.” Knox jerked a thumb toward the door.
“I’ll do my best.,” he said sincerely.
Roy headed out of the infirmary and since he wasn’t due back to work until after the weekend, he headed for a florist’s shop. He had already said everything he needed to to Maes and Riza, that just left the person he was finding it the hardest to talk to, maybe since he owed her so much.
It took over an hour but Roy came out of the shop with an icy blue glass vase filled with a glacially cool bouquet, irises, orchids and calla lilies all snowy white and full of meaning, about friendship, love and beauty. He felt a little self conscious carrying them into the bakery. Her parents’ dual shops were side by side in a row of brick buildings with ornate cornices. Nothing like a bakery right next door to a candy store. What if her parents were around? This probably wasn’t his best thought out plan. Luckily, she was alone, crafting a wedding cake of breath taking beauty.
Roy hadn’t realized her artistry. Three ivory towers, dotted with pearls of icing, sported a crown of flowers that tumbled down the tiers. White dogwoods, blue hydrangea and multi-hued roses looked so real he wanted to take a sniff. The place was filled with the sweetness of butter cream and sugar paste flowers. “Wow,” he said softly.
Gracia looked up, her eyes widening. The jangle of the bell as he came in told her she had a costumer but she wasn’t expecting him. She set aside the chocolate butterflies that she was arranging on the platter at the base of the cake. “Roy, is something wrong?”
“No. I...well I brought you these.” He set the flowers on the counter. “But I suppose you ought to tell everyone they’re from Maes.”
She wiped her hand on a towel and came over to him. “You look sad.”
“I talked to Knox about what happened in Ishbal,” he said then touched her shoulder gently, seeing the alarm in her eyes. “I’m okay, honestly. I needed to know.”
She put a hand on his cheek. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I just...well, I needed to talk to you. Probably should have waited until you were home before I stopped by with those.” He pointed to the flowers.
“They are gorgeous, Roy. Thank you. You didn’t have to, you know.” Gracia took the time to smell the fragrant bouquet he had brought.
“I owe you my life. I’m sorry I put you through that.” He stared at his feet. “I’m sorry you were the one I dumped it all out on.” He flinched a little as her arms when around him briefly, her lips feathering over his cheek.
“I am glad I could be there for you, Roy. It wasn’t easy on anyone, I can’t lie about that but I’m happy that I could help.” She smiled.
“You did more than that. I could have killed you by mistake.” Roy grimaced at the memory. “I would never want to hurt you but I could have if that gun had gone off. You risked yourself for me and I will never forget that. I wish I knew how to thank you. Just saying it doesn’t seem enough somehow.”
Gracia hugged him again. “That is all you need to say, Roy. I know what it means to you. You don’t need to do anything special.”
“I think when this started we really were merely webbed together by our love for a certain loquacious goof but now there is something more,” he whispered, realizing that he had fallen just the tiniest bit in love with his best friend’s girl and thought she cared for him in return.
“Yes, there is.” Gracia stepped back as a plump woman came into the room, carrying a tray of sticky buns. She gave Gracia an arch look. “And I’m telling him you called him a goof. Mom, this is Roy Mustang, Maes’ friend.”
“Oh yes, the poor young man who took that fall, the one you were helping to look after. How are you now?” the rotund baker asked, as she stocked up her display cabinet.
“I’m much better now, ma’am. Thanks in no small part to your daughter. You have a very special girl,” Roy said, smiling sweetly at the older woman. He knew he had to sound so earnest, maybe too much so but he meant it.
Gracia’s mother looked up, shoving back a lock of blonde hair. She gave him a look he didn’t doubt was reserved for silver-tongued devils. “Yes, she is.”
“Maes is a lucky guy. Well, I just wanted to stop by and say thanks, which I’ve done so I’ll let you get back to your lovely cake, Gracia,” Roy said, resting a hand on her arm.
“You’re not going to let that boy escape here empty-handed are you, Gracia?” Her mother gestured at Roy, her face curling into a wry frown. “He could slip through the mail slot. Find him something that’ll stick to his ribs.”
“Mother!” Gracia blushed. “Sorry, Roy. Would you like something?”
“That’s not really necessary but I guess, everything does smell so good. What would you suggest, Gracia?” Roy asked, eyeing the display cases.
“You can’t beat sticky buns fresh from the oven,” Gracia replied as her mother headed back into the kitchen.
“All right, I’ll have one,” he said, reaching for his wallet.
She waved off his attempts to pay as she put the sweet in a sack. “And you could use some chocolate goat milk fudge with walnuts with caramelized goat’s milk on top, something I’m experimenting with.”
“That sounds decadent.” He smirked, his eyes gleaming.
“I should hope so.” Gracia packed up a small box for him. “There you go. You’d better go tell Maes all about the beautiful flowers he brought me.”
“I will and Gracia, seriously, thanks.” Roy turned to go again.
“Roy?” When he turned, Gracia handed him a sugar paste rose. “I made too many.”
He took the flower. “You’re going to make me fat.”
“Somehow I doubt that’s possible. I’ll see you this weekend, Roy.” Her warm smile lit her eyes on fire.
“I certainly hope so.”
Roy left the sweets shop and headed for home. He’d share the fudge with Riza but he intended to be entirely greedy with the sticky bun. The rose dissolved on his tongue as he delicately picked it apart. There was no wondering why Maes loved Gracia so much. Roy thought about the three people he had woven into his life. He was a lucky man, luckier than he deserved. He knew all he would ever need to do now, if he was drowning, was to hold out a hand and they’d be there for him. What he owed to them was to be the best man he could be. He had failed at that in recent months. The time at the lake had shown him that but it had also rejuvenated him. He would be better. He would work on that dream of a better world. After all, he had three incredibly special people he needed to shield from the ugliness. This was something he could do. It was something he could dedicate himself to.
Almost content, Roy allowed himself a big, silly smile as he walked home.
Chapter Four
Riza sat on the porch, looking out over the flower-studded vista that led the eye down the verdant hillside to the lake. She wanted to soak up the serenity of the place, to leech out the poisons grated into her by the sands of Ishbal. But she couldn't quite let it happen because Roy wouldn't let go of his hurt, holding onto it like a miser did gold. She knew that from the way he was treating her and Maes, so withdrawn, so cool and quiet. Her gun case sitting at her feet spoke of her own disquiet.
“Your girlfriend is really something, putting up with all of this.” Riza glanced over at Maes sitting next to her.
He half turned, peering through the screened door. Inside, Gracia had insisted on starting dinner for the weary travelers. Roy went and huddled up in a bedroom, the curtains drawn. “She’s great.”
When he didn’t take the chance to gush about his lover, Riza knew Maes was really feeling the effects of Roy’s trauma. “I wish he’d at least come out here with us.”
“He’s tired. Tomorrow, he’ll come out here tomorrow if I have to bring him out and prop him up on a tree,” Maes said, weights hanging from every word. “I saw him, Riza.”
“Sherman? Yes, I heard you tell Roy that,” Riza replied, shifting uncomfortably on the bench swing. She wanted just a few minutes alone with the man, to take him by surprise the way he took his victims.
“No, I mean I saw him, spoke to him.” Maes’ eyes glinted like topazes.
“You went to ki...” She trailed off, looking back at the house. This was something Gracia didn’t need to understand. The gentle woman might not forgive it. Riza would have no such difficulties.
Maes toyed with his glasses. “After the body count in the desert, why not add one that actually deserved it? But I was too late. He was already on the train, far too public for anything I had in mind.”
“What did the bastard say?” she hissed, the view of the lake spoiled.
“That I should learn to keep my puppy leashed up,” Maes spat. He tossed himself out of his chair and down the steps, trying to burn off the pent up fury. He caught hold of the bannister and looked over it at Riza. “And that I should train him better to accept his collar.”
Riza picked up her gun case and started cleaning by rote. “We should have killed him in Ishbal.”
“Not like you didn’t try,” Maes reminded her, all the usual joyful lines gone from his face.
Riza thought about that day. She had secured an Ishbalan weapon but the damn winds whipped sand into her eye just as she pulled the trigger. She only managed to hurt Sherman’s shoulder enough to get him sent home where she couldn’t make him pay. It had been a dismal disaster. “Not hard enough. What did you say to Sherman?”
“What could I say?” Maes rested his chin on the crossbar. “If I opened my mouth, I probably would have ruined us all. Then he said...he threatened to come back for Roy and Gracia sometimes.” A tremor raced through Maes. Riza’s hand stopped with the cleaning rag, bunching it up before she hurled it to the floor. She reassembled her gun. “Said you and I weren’t worth the effort.”
Stone faced, Riza loaded her weapon. She walked off the porch. “Tell Gracia I might be late for dinner.” Riza headed off to find a place with a nice, safe back stop to shoot the hell out of. She didn’t know how to help Roy. She had never seen him close her out like this. She felt like a stranger to him, like someone he didn’t even want to know. Riza could only hope being at the lake might help.
X X X
Riza looked at the bedroom in dismay. Luckily, the doctor’s cottage only had two bedrooms or Roy would have surely isolated himself completely. She had half expected Roy to sleep on the couch just so she wouldn’t be near him. As it was, he had taken down some extra pillows and put them in the center of the big bed. She suspected he’d tell her that they were to support his back, which she knew did legitimately hurt him but they both knew the reality: It was a wall to keep her away from him.
Riza put her gun case back in the closet and kicked off her shoes. It felt so odd to not have on heavy boots and thick wool. She could feel Roy’s eyes on her as she changed into a nightgown. He said nothing as she slipped into the bed. She reached over and stroked his arm. “Roy, can I move these and get a little more room?”
“They’re helping. It hurts too much to lay flat,” he said, his eyes shifting away from her.
Riza didn’t point out she had seen him doing it just fine when he was in bed alone. It wasn’t worth that fight. She just snuggled into the pillows, stretching a little to rest her hands on him. Roy squirmed just out of range, to a place his precious pillows weren’t going to help him. “Roy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you tottering on the edge of the bed?” She couldn’t quite keep the frustration out of her voice. Didn’t he know just how much his pulling away hurt her?
“Maybe I should go sleep on the couch.” He flipped the covers back.
“Roy, don’t be ridiculous. You’re hurt. You need a good night’s rest. If my being here...” Riza choked off. She couldn’t begin to define how much it hurt. “I can go sleep on the couch if you want me to.”
“No,” he murmured and pulled the covers back up. “I just don’t want you touching me, okay?”
“No, it’s not,” she said, wishing for a moment she could reel those words back in, then decided, no, it was for the best that it was out there. Dancing around him just wasn’t going to work forever. Her pain swirled through her voice like a fierce storm. “Roy, I know you’re hurting but all I want to do is help. I don’t know what I can do for you but you won’t even let me or Maes try.”
Roy huddled up, not looking at her. “I don’t know why you even want to. You want to try to love me and I’m almost greedy enough to let you.”
“You say that like it’s such a horrible thing. What could possibly be wrong with love, Roy?” Riza reached over the pillows once more, questing for his hand.
Roy incredibly managed to make himself even smaller. “When it’s wasted on the undeserving.”
“What Sherman did to you did not make you undeserving, Roy?” Riza’s eyes sheened. Sherman needed to die for all the pain he’d caused so many people. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“Really?” he twisted around to face her as he sneered. “Isn’t that what you’re all thinking? If I had come home to dinner like I was supposed to, then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if I wasn’t drunk, he wouldn’t have done this to me or maybe I should have called Maes and cried like a baby for him to come get me because I was too afraid to be alone?”
Riza reared back as if slapped. “Roy, no one thinks that, except apparently, you.”
His face twisted. “Don’t lie to me. You had to think it, just a little.”
“Roy, I don’t know how to make this any clearer, I don’t blame you. Maes doesn’t blame you. Why is it you seem to think only Gracia doesn’t blame you?” Riza’s voice could have grated steel.
“Because she’s not stupid enough to try and love me.” His eyes went dead black. “And this doesn’t have to do with Sherman. Not at all.”
Riza grabbed his arm, dragging him closer. “Then tell me what the hell Knox said, because that has to be it.”
“What’s to say?” Roy tore free of her grip. “You should go find someone who’s not a monster to be with, Riza. I’ll only take you down with me.”
“I love you, Roy and you are not a monster. I’ve loved you from before you even realized who I was, since before I trusted you with my back. I’m not going to stop now.”
Roy flopped over, away from her. “I wish you would have kept your back to yourself.”
Riza was too stunned to speak for a moment because she actually believed him. Was he blaming her for this anguish he was mired in? Her father had tried to warn him what the State would do with his alchemy but her lover was an idealist. Ideals died hard and painfully and obviously there was a lot of blow back. “What are you trying to say to me, Roy?”
“That I can’t be here with you right now,” Roy said, his voice hollow yet amazingly sharp.
“Fine!” Her voice cracked as tears slid down her face. She made no attempt to shield him from the deep gouges he left in her soul. She tore the blanket off the bed and snared a pillow. “If this is how you’re going to be, then I don’t want to be here with you.”
Riza almost crashed, tear-blind, into the doorframe as she ran out. She threw herself on the couch and wept.
X X X
“I can’t believe he said that to you,” Gracia said, bringing Riza a morning cup of coffee out to her on the front porch. “I thought coming here would help.”
“I don’t even know what’s hurting him so much. He said it wasn’t Sherman and...I believe him. That’s the hard part, Gracia. If it was that bastard, I’d at least know how to show Roy it doesn’t matter what happened to him, that I love him anyhow.” Riza rubbed at her puffy eyes. “And he only seems to want to talk to you.”
“I know. I wish...I don’t want to be in the middle, Riza. I didn’t try to put myself there,” Gracia said, shifting uncomfortably as she sat in the low chair, angled to give her a panoramic view of the lake.
“Oh, Gracia, I don’t blame you. He’s doing it...you’re safe. You don’t hold his heart.” Riza sipped at her coffee, willing it to have taste but it just seemed hot and bitter. “If you hate him for whatever it is he thinks he’s done, he only loses his best friend’s girl.”
Gracia nodded, finger combing her honey brown hair. She glanced back at the house. “I know. Maes shouldn’t have gone to talk to him, not when he was mad like that.”
“I didn’t mean to upset Maes,” Riza said, remembering the hard look in the man’s eyes when he and Gracia woke up to find her huddled up on the couch.
“I don’t see how it could avoid it. Maybe just getting it all out in the open will help. You can’t heal a poisoned wound,” Gracia said, twisting as they both heard heavy foot steps heading their way.
Maes banged out the door, his face blotching with rage. He thundered down the steps and raised his arms up to the sky as if willing his anger there. He let them drop and turned to face the women. “Well, he’s not coming out here with us, that’s for damn sure.”
“What did he say to you?” Riza asked.
“A variation of what he said to you, goading me. I swear, he wanted me to hit him,” Maes shuddered. “No, I know he did. He wanted me to punish him.”
“Here’s an idea, why don’t you just call Dr. Knox and tell him whatever happened has really upset Roy and you need to know what was said. He obviously feels guilty about what was said. Look at this great place.” Gracia waved a hand at the lake. “Want me to go find his number? I know he gave it to us in case we accidentally burned the cabin down or something.”
“Please, this can’t go on. Roy’s miserable and he’s making all of us miserable, sweetie.” Maes came up on the porch and kissed her cheek.
“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner,” Riza said, self-reproach burning in her brown eyes.
“Knox sort of danced around me when I asked when he gave me leave for being sick,” Maes said, looking energized at long last. “Get me that number, Gracia. I’ll make sure Knox doesn’t do it again. I’m sure he’ll tell us if he knows it’s tearing Roy up. He sent us here to be sure none of us ended up in a sanitarium.”
“I’ll go find it.” Gracia set her coffee on the porch railing and headed inside. She decided to just peek in on Roy since Maes had been so upset, she could only imagine Roy was as well. He might at least accept a cup of coffee from her.
When she peered through the door frame, Gracia felt as if a vortex had caught her, whipping her around like a summer storm. Roy sat on the bed, tears dripping from his chin. In his shaking hand, he held a gun, the barrel penetrating his mouth. His eyes were shut. He would have looked peaceful if not for the metal his lips were pursed around.
“Oh my god, Roy, no!” she shrieked as he drew the hammer back.
Chapter Five
Riza nearly scalded herself with her coffee, hearing Gracia’s scream. She and Maes exchanged petrified looks, then both tore inside. They could hear Gracia and Roy screaming at one another and the sounds of a struggle. Riza nearly plowed into Maes as they careened into the bedroom and saw Gracia trying to wrestle a pistol away from Roy.
“That’s mine! It’s loaded!” Riza froze in place, unable to believe what she was seeing.
“Gracia, let go before he accidentally shoots you!” Maes cried, vaulting across the room. He looped his arms around his lover’s waist and pulled. She had a death grip on Roy’s wrists.
“Give it to me, Roy!” Riza ordered, trying to wrest her high-powered weapon free. There was no expression on Roy’s face. So blank, so absent it terrified her more than the gun.
For several long moments, a strange ballet of bodies twisted on the mattress stage before Roy let the gun go. Riza fell back, nearly losing her footing. Roy howled wordlessly before going limp in Gracia and Maes’ arms.
Riza opened the pistol’s barrel, dumping the bullets into her palm. She pocketed them then rejoined the others, slipping her arms around Roy. Her throat was too tight to talk. She could hear the others but the words made no sense to her chaotic mind. Roy had tried to leave her; no, he had tried to use her to take himself away. He had tried suicide in Ishbal. That had been scary enough. Seeing it now, Riza realized part of her almost expected him to try but she had been utterly unprepared for the terror that seeped into every pore, making her sick with its poisons.
Riza put her lips close to his ear and whispered, “Don’t die.”
He jumped, his ear colliding with her mouth. Riza nearly tumbled from the bed as Gracia let Roy go and all their weights shifted on the mattress. Roy burrowed his face against the bed, sobbing hard.
“Easy, buddy.” Maes rubbed Roy’s shoulders. “Just take it easy. Nothing is as bad as all this.”
“You don’t know.” Roy’s voice was muffled by the pillow.
“You’re right. I don’t. Tell me,” Maes entreated, keeping up his soothing motion.
“Roy, I can’t lose you, not like this,” Riza said, tears threatening to pour like rain. She tried to find his hand but he balled them up under himself. “Roy, tell us what’s happening. We don’t understand. We can’t help you if you won’t let us.”
Roy lifted his face out of the pillows, his jet eyes flashing with fire. “I don’t want your help.”
“No, you’d rather let your lovers live with the knowledge they failed you when you needed them most. How cruel is that?” Gracia snapped, her usually placid face alive with choler.
“Gracia,” Maes hissed but she held up her hand. “All this time we’ve been arguing that you’re not a monster but to do this, with Riza’s gun, letting her to blame herself, that is heinous,” Gracia fumed, pointing to Riza. “Look at her, Roy, and ask yourself how you could even think of doing this to her.”
Riza was about to add her silencing voice to Maes’ warning but Roy sat upright, rigid with rage. This was something different than the self-pitying fearfulness that had consumed him since the attack and Riza knew then what Gracia was doing, trying to bring it to a head so the wound could be lanced. She was the least invested in Roy, had the least to lose if it didn’t work. Of course, it could backfire but how much worse could things get?
“You have no idea what you’re talking about Gracia,” Roy snarled, his fists balling in the sheets as he edged closer menacingly.
“You’re right, I don’t. All I know is you’re hurting badly and that whatever it is, you think you should die for it. You won’t even give us a chance to help,” Gracia replied, not backing down from him.
“You have no idea what I’m capable of, Gracia, of the things I’ve done. If you did, you wouldn’t think of forgiveness.” Roy tried to get to his feet and Maes pushed him back down on the bed.
“So you’ve already said. Why don’t you tell me this horrible thing that’s consuming you and we’ll see? Tell us all.” Gracia gestured to their friends.
Roy looked away, peeling Maes’ fingers off his arm. “Maes and Riza would forgive it. They have the same blood on them.”
“So you think your lovers are killers?” Riza’s voice was a low growl. “No, I guess you’re right. Kimbley made that point in the desert and you nearly took his head off. What’s changed?”
“You don’t want to tell us because what? You think Riza and I are okay with what you alchemists did in the desert?” Maes face lost its vitality. “Let me tell you, Roy, I’m not. We did what we did so we wouldn’t be the ones in the body bags. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with it. Honestly, some of the stuff you do...scares the hell out of me. I don’t know how you didn’t just go mad but I guess in little ways, you did. It took a toll. You and Armstrong suffered visibly and that, at least, means something. You’re not like Kimbley who enjoyed the hell out of the destruction. That’s unforgivable. You...” Maes broke off, unable to withstand the onyx-eyed scrutiny his words brought upon him. “They didn’t give you a choice, Roy.”
“Have you told her the things we did?” Roy nodded toward Gracia, his face hard as rock, baked emotionless from his own inner fire.
“Gracia knows we’re soldiers, that we’ve killed. She doesn’t need the gruesome details,” Maes said, running a soothing hand over Gracia’s back.
“But you could tell me, Roy,” Gracia put in, resting a hand on Maes’ shoulder. “If you think that Maes and Riza are unfairly biased in your favor because they’ve killed then see what I think of you. Tell me what Knox said before I ask him. He’ll tell me but I’d rather you did. Talk to me, Roy. I don’t have any background that includes having to kill that might make me lenient to you.”
Roy eyed her, his breath coming in pants. “You’ll hate me for the for the nightmares.”
“You tried to kill yourself over this, Roy. I think we all know whatever you have to say will be unpleasant.” Gracia sat on the edge of the bed, facing him. “Or did you lie to Riza about this not being about Sherman, not that he’s not unpleasant?”
“He’s not worth killing myself over,” Roy growled, a look of disgust whipping across his face. “Him I can survive. But this...the winds are turning my flames back onto me and it’s leaving me ash.”
“Then tell me,” Gracia said, beckoning Riza over. “Tell her. You hurt Riza badly. She ought to know why.”
“I burned people,” Roy said, wetting his lips. “You all already knew that.”
Gracia nodded. “I’ve guessed as much”
“Knox told me they took the survivors and experimented on them. I destroyed their lives and what little I left of them, our military gave over to doctors like Knox and to other alchemists so they could run experiments.” Roy’s voice raised in pitch with every word, all the horror in him packing each one like little bombs.
Gracia felt her face fall. Riza looked like she might faint. Maes made an unhappy noise in the back of this throat.
“What did Knox say they did?” Riza whispered, moving towards him. Roy flinched.
“I don’t know. I didn’t want to know. I took the coward’s way out, didn’t ask.” Roy scooted back on the bed, resting against the headboard. He huddled there like a little boy fresh from a nightmare.
“You’re not a coward,” Riza said, and he couldn’t look at her.
“Roy, why would they do such a horrible thing?” Graica asked, drawing his attention back to her.
He shook his head. “No clue what the doctors would have wanted with them. Whatever it was, it’s destroying Knox. There are things involving humans that alchemy forbids.”
Riza put her hands over her mouth. “Chimeras.”
“What?” Maes asked, looking frantically between her and Roy, trying to decipher the unfamiliar word.
“A hybrid of human and animal,” Roy spat, revulsion like a fever in his eyes.
“My god.” Gracia rocked back. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Roy said softly. He met her gaze. “Now you see what sort of monster I am. I gave these poor people to them. I made them countless victims. I ask you, am I forgivable? Do I deserve to live.”
“Did you know what they were doing?” Graica asked and all he could do was shake his head. “I’m sure you didn’t. I think you would have done something different, taken the risk of insubordination if you had.”
“That doesn’t change what happened. They made me a hero,” he snarled, beating a hand on his chest. “I’m no hero. I deserve to die. If I would have described my crimes to them in the desert.” He stabbed a finger at Riza and Maes, “they would have killed me on principle. They should now.”
“Never going to happen, buddy,” Maes said, his voice strained.
“You can’t keep thinking like this, Roy. You’re right, we can’t change it. We just have to find a way of dealing with it.” Riza reached out to him.
Roy shrank back again. “I don’t know how to live with this, Riza. I can’t.”
“You will because you have a lot of people who love you, no matter what,” Gracia said as Riza managed to capture Roy in a hug.
He started crying against her shoulder. “It feels wrong.”
“You told me a beautiful dream, Roy, that day we buried Father. I believed in your dream. I gave you the power to help bring it forward. None of us expected the Fuhrer and the others to ask you to pervert it so badly.” Riza rocked him as she spoke, tears marching one by one down her cheeks. “Maybe you and I were just too idealistic but I still believe in that dream. I know you want to help people and it’s not too late. You can’t wash away the past but you can do better in the future.”
“What if they send us to another war? I can’t do this again,” Roy said, burying his face tight against her neck.
“Then you quit. You don’t have to be a State Alchemist,” Riza said practically, smoothing his hair.
“I don’t see why you want to touch me,” Roy said, jumping as Maes touched his shoulder. “Any of you.”
“We love you, that’s the only thing we have to know. We don’t care about what you were ordered to do or what they did behind your back,” Maes said, his fingers tightening against Roy’s shoulder.
“And do you care about what I did with Sherman?” Roy snarled, lifting his face off Riza’s shoulder. He glared at Maes.
“That wasn’t your fault,” Maes said.
“You don’t even know what he did, what I did, how I helped him,” Roy said.
“What are you talking about?” Maes’ nose wrinkled.
“I don’t want to talk about it, especially with you, Riza. You already have to protect me because I’m too weak...what will you think if you know it all?” Roy's trembling was nearly enough to shake off her arms.
“Roy, I don’t protect you because I think you’re weak. I protect you because I love you. I do it because you’re special and your dream for a better future needs all the help I can give it.” She stroked his hair some more. “I would never think you’re weak.”
“Not even if I said he got me off?” Roy shot back venomously. Riza’s eyes widened. Maes put a hand on Roy’s arm and he batted it away, distancing himself from them both. “See?”
“Roy, even I know that sometimes that happens, touch it and it goes out of your control. I don’t believe for a moment you wanted Sherman touching you,” Riza said, catching hold of him once more.
“Apparently I liked it well enough. He laughed, told me he could see how much I liked it. I...I came all over myself.” Roy’s eyes hardened and he trembled. “Don’t tell me I’m not weak...I can’t talk about this with you.”
“I think you need to talk about it Roy,” Riza said, taking his hand. “You need to let this all out. It’s killing you inside. Gracia and I can go if you think you can talk to Maes....or is that even more difficult since he’s a guy? You did good talking to Gracia.”
“You know I’m not going to judge you, Roy,” Maes said, his face darkening at the mere thought.
Roy wiped at his eyes. “Leave me alone with Maes, please.” The girls nodded, leaving them. Roy pulled away, trying to find a place he could hide himself on the bed and failed. He rested against the headboard. “This is insane. I’m worried about looking weak in front of the girls and I’m bawling in front of you.”
Maes cupped Roy’s chin. “I’ve always thought the adage ‘boys don’t cry’ just puts undo pressure on us. Sometimes you have every right to it. The girls were right. You need to get this out of you, Roy. None of us will survive you taking your own life, do you understand that?” Roy just nodded, not trusting his voice. Maes’ big hand smoothed over Roy’s cheek. “Tell me what you can about Sherman. What happened this time?”
“I skipped out on dinner and went to the bar. I was already drunk by the time he arrived.” Roy slipped down the head board and Maes caught hold of him, folding him close. “I actually stood up to him a little at the bar. He told me he was here to speak on Kimbley’s behalf and then he left. I know I should have called for a ride or joined Armstrong. I thought I had waited long enough...didn’t think he’d hide and wait.”
Maes buried his fingers in Roy’s hair, gently massaging and petting him. “I wouldn’t have thought it either, buddy.”
“I was so drunk, Maes. I had no business trying to walk home, even if Sherman hadn’t been there.” Roy broke off, crying too hard to talk. Maes held him tighter. “By the time I realized that the helpful stranger who picked me up when I fell outside the bar and tried to walk me home was Sherman, it was way too late. He pulled me into the park and I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t even know what was going on at first.”
“I’m so sorry, Roy. I should have come looking for you when you didn’t show for dinner,” Maes said, self-recrimination in his voice.
“Not your responsibility. I knew you and the girls would be pissed at me. I didn’t care. I was feeling sorry for myself.” Roy rested his forehead in the crook of Maes’ shoulder. “When I realized it was him, I tried to fight. It was pathetic. That’s when he hit me with the belt...don’t think he needed that to put me in the grass. I pretty much fell there. He did it because....it excited him.” He stopped his narrative, taking deep breaths to calm himself. “The next thing I knew he was in me.” Roy shuddered. “I remember screaming but no one seemed to hear. Then...oh god, Maes...I just helped him do it, moved with him, matching him. Didn’t want to...just hurt less that way.”
Maes pulled Roy around so he was facing him. He smoothed back Roy’s hair. “Listen to me, Roy. You weren’t helping him. You didn’t want him to do this to you. You tried to save yourself pain. There is nothing wrong with that. No one here is going to blame you for that. I don’t, please believe me.”
Roy faded into the greenish hues. “Let me up, gonna get sick.”
Maes tore Roy off the bed but Roy didn’t get far. He ended up knees down on the thick carpet next to the bed but at least managed to hit the hardwood floor as he vomited up a thin stream of mucus and bile. When he was done retching, Roy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Sorry, so sorry.”
Maes pulled him against his chest, resting his own back on the bed. “It’s all right, Roy. Don’t worry about it, I’ll clean it up. You need to get this all out of you. Let us share some of the burden.”
“It shouldn’t be yours to share. I hurt everyone,” Roy mumbled, shaking uncontrollably.
“No, Sherman did.” Maes puled him close, stroking Roy’s shoulders. “You were the victim, Roy.”
“Made myself an easy one.” Each word sounded like the chorus of a threnody.
“You need to stop beating yourself up over it. Finish the story, Roy. He didn’t like you trying to make it easier on yourself, did he?” Maes asked, rubbing Roy’s shoulders.
“Hated it...that’s when he used the braid on his uniform to strangle me. And he started touching me.” Roy quivered, tears starting again. “He laughed and told me strangling made it easier for him to turn me on...I didn’t want it, Maes.”
“I know, Roy, I know.” Maes planted a soft kiss on Roy’s forehead. “He did it to humiliate you, to make you feel guilty.”
“Well, it worked,” Roy said grimly. “He made me...I couldn’t stop it.”
“You told me this part. You don’t have to go through it again if you don’t want to,” Maes said gently.
Roy nodded. “After that he finished and then we heard someone coming. I was too weak to do anything. I think I blacked out when he was tightening that braid at one point. He pulled up my pants and walked me out of the park. I remember him telling whoever it was, he was helping a drunk friend home. He left me on the sidewalk and told me he’d come find me the next time he wanted a little fun because I was so good.” Roy snapped those words out bitterly.
Maes embraced him as tightly as he dared. “He’s gone, Roy. He can’t hurt you any more. He’s out west. I’ll get Asha to let us know if he goes out on assignment or takes leave. We’ll protect you from him. I’ll keep you safe.”
“You make me feel safe.” Roy slid his arms around Maes, reciprocating the hug for the first time since it all started. “Like my daddy used to. When I was little and had a nightmare, Mom couldn’t quiet me down. Only Daddy could.” Roy pressed his cheek against Maes shoulder. “You remind me of him. You’re going to be a good dad someday, Maes.”
“Until then, I’ll practice on you when you need me to,” Maes promised, disengaging himself from Roy. He got up and helped Roy to his feet. “Let’s get you out of this room. You’re going outside, no arguments, and I’ll clean up in here.”
“No one is going to leave me by myself now are they?” Roy asked pitifully.
“No way in hell. Don’t take it the wrong way, buddy. Just assume we’re watching you like a hawk because we love you,” Maes said, walking him out of the room. He steered Roy past the anxious women waiting in the living room. “Roy’s going to sit on the porch if you care to join him, Riza. Gracia, dear, he could use something to settle his stomach.”
“I think I have ginger. I can make him some tea,” she said, going for the kitchen.
Maes took an unprotesting Roy outside and parked him on the bench swing. “There you go. I’ll go clean up the room.”
Roy just nodded, grabbing Maes’ hand. “Thanks,” he said gruffly. Riza sat down next to Roy, her huge brown eyes seeming depthless as he gazed into them. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself,” he whispered.
“I would have,” she replied, honestly.
Roy took a choking breath then broke down. He crumbled into her lap. She just pillowed his head there, stroking his hair until finally he went quiet. They rested together that way for a long time.
Chapter Six
In the space of the two minutes that Riza had used to go to the bathroom, Roy had disappeared. She hadn’t expected any trouble during the night time vigil. He had been asleep. Her heart thumped. Maes had hidden her gun, his knives and Roy’s gloves but there was a huge lake, perfect for committing suicide in.
As she raced through the house, she saw Roy wasn’t in the living room and there were no sounds of anyone in the kitchen. Convinced she would find him dead and it would be all her fault, Riza went out the door and saw Roy sitting on the stairs, staring up at the sky. “Roy?”
“Sorry, Riza. I know I should have waited for you to come out here with me,” he said, not looking back at her.
She tried not to let her fear dissolve into rage. Neither one would help Roy. “My nerves would have appreciated it.”
“It’s been so long since I just looked up at the stars. I’d forgotten how beautiful they are.” He patted the step next to him.
Riza took that invitation and sat next to him. She put her head on his shoulder as she looked up. “It is lovely.”
“Could we sit here for a while, Riza? I know you have to be exhausted and I’m sorry. For everything, for all the horri-”
She put a hand over his mouth. “I know, Roy. I know you’re hurting. I forgive you.”
His eyes shut. “Forgive...that’s a very big word for such a small man.”
“Oh, Roy.” Riza sighed, her voice hoarse. “Please, I don’t want you beating up on yourself. I don’t want to cry any more today.”
Roy gnawed his lower lip. “I’m sorry, for everything.”
“And I forgive you for it. Shhh, Roy, let’s just sit and look at the stars.” Riza kissed him softly.
Roy’s return on the kiss wasn’t much but he didn’t pull away. Instead he put an arm around her and resumed stargazing. She curled her fingers in his, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze then let him have his silence for a long while.
“There’s so much moonlight tonight,” he said finally. “It’s like having a lantern.”
“I’ve noticed. It’s pretty,” Riza said and thought that was the truth. The silvery orb seemed to shimmer and dance on the placid water of the lake. This was a place she wouldn’t mind waking up to every day. She understood why Doctor Knox kept it.
Roy interlaced his fingers, draping them over his knees. “When is your babysitting shift over?”
“Roy,” she rumbled, glaring at him.
“It’s what it is,” he insisted, looking very unapologetic. . “I didn’t say I didn’t need it or...that I didn’t like it. I appreciate what you’re all doing for me.”
“A few more hours,” she replied, somewhat mollified by that.
“Are you going to come to bed with me later?” Roy’s voice was soft, almost afraid.
“Well, I don’t mind if Maes watches us sleep. Do you want me to stay with you?” She hoped he’d say yes.
Roy bobbed his head. “Yes. Riza, before we go in, think we could walk to the lake? I think we have enough light. It’s just so beautiful right now. I don’t want to waste it.”
“Of course, love,” she said and his head swivelled her way. He wasn’t used to her using sweet nothings with him. He smiled softly. Riza got up first, letting him snuggle into her side as they walked. They had wanted this place to help give Roy a little peace. It looked like maybe it finally was.
X X X
Riza peeked into the bedroom. Roy wasn’t asleep for a change. He was actually reading. Granted, it was one of her father’s old journals that Maes had packed for Roy but at least he was reading and doing things that were normal for him. Maes promised to unpack the goh board and let Roy teach him how to play the intricate game but tonight they had other things planned for Roy, another way of showing him how very important he was to them.
Roy glanced over at her, his eyes barely lifting over the edge of the book. “Did you want to go for a little walk around the lake tomorrow, Riza? I think I’m well enough to do that.”
Riza knew he was a city boy. A hike in the woods probably wasn’t his first choice of things to do and she appreciated his effort. “That sounds nice. May I join you?” She gestured to the bed.
Roy set the book aside, nodding. He had the look of a man about to apologize. She arched an eyebrow at him and the look hurried off his face. Riza slipped into bed and snuggled in close, thrilled that he didn’t protest. Even after their late night walk the night before, they shared the bed but Roy held himself distant.
She pressed her lips to his. Within moments, he yielded to her and she deepened the kiss, her tongue flicking over his. Roy’s arms slid around her, pulling her tight to him. “So nice,” he murmured.
“It is,” she said, stroking his cheek then trailed her fingers around his ears. His eyes shut like a satisfied cat and he all but purred at her touch. Roy liked being petted and that was a big part of tonight’s plans. As her mouth worked against his, she slipped a hand under his shirt, circling a finger around his navel.
Roy gasped, scooting away just a bit. “Riza?”
“Yes?” She kept up the movement with her hand.
A hint of color touched his cheeks. “I’m not sure I can.”
“I know your back’s probably not in any shape for anything strenuous but a little creativity can get us around that.” She nipped at his chin. “Is that okay?” She watched his face intently, getting a little disheartened when he hesitated.
“I think it will be,” he said finally, uncertainty seeping out of his voice.
“If it gets too intense, we’ll stop,” she promised, licking the blue-green, fading bruise around his neck.
“Okay,” he stammered.
Riza eased his shirt up, her tongue flicking over his erect nipples. Roy’s fingers toyed with her hair as she rolled him onto his side to give his back a break. She gently took off his shirt then traced his collar bone from one side to the other, listening to him moan a little. Her hands and lips played with his skin, staying away from the small of his back, which was still bandaged.
Riza felt his erection pressing into her belly but kept herself away from there for the moment. She and her partners had agreed that the best course of action would be to ease into it slowly, if Roy even allowed himself to be touched. While Riza believed him that the suicide attempt was over the things that he had done in Ishbal, she didn’t think for a moment being raped by Sherman was that far from Roy’s mind. He felt dirty and used and she understood that. She was hoping tonight would show him that they didn’t see him in that light.
Roy nipped her shoulder, trying to get her shirt up. Riza complied by removing it and her bra for him. One of her favorite things about the way Roy made love was that he wasn’t shy about using his tongue and lips. He nuzzled her breasts greedily and she ran her fingers through his soft hair as he did. He was so lost exploring the topography of her body she knew he didn’t notice Gracia coming into the room wearing nothing but a robe. She carried a bottle of oil for later. Gracia had turned her candy making skills to the oils they used, taking the time honored simple oil and infusing it with extracts, with careful sampling on less sensitive skin just to make sure nothing would irritate them. Riza wondered which flavor the confectioner had brought.
Gracia set the bottle down and joined them with a brushing of her fingers over Roy’s shoulders. His head jerked up away from Riza’s breast and he stared at Gracia for a moment. They had all debated whether or not Riza should just be with Roy alone but decided he needed to see how much they all needed him. She knew now would be the time they found out if this was a mistake or not. His eyes flicked towards the door, perhaps searching for Maes, then he twisted on the bed to face Gracia. Roy grabbed her silken robe, pulling her closer as he kissed the most convenient part for him to reach, the tip of her breast.
Gracia slipped into bed, her mouth finding Roy’s hungrily. Riza took the opportunity provided by their shifting bodies to tug down Roy’s pants. He made a happy whimpering noise as Gracia continued to devour his mouth. Riza lathed her tongue over the weeping head of his cock, hearing him moan. Gracia broke away long enough to get the bottle of oil and decant a little into Riza’s waiting hand. As Riza massaged it into his penis, Gracia turned her attentions to his nipples. Blackberries, she thought as she lolled her tongue up and down his greased shaft. Between the two of them, they had Roy groaning and writhing on the bed.
Riza paused in her administrations, trying to judge her lover’s mental state. From the way his eyes were closed, his body lax, she figured that he was wholly comfortable with them. Now came for the real test, would he still be comfortable with Maes? It had taken Roy a little while to trust his best friend after the first time but Riza suspected that time might have been even worse for Roy given the circumstances since there had been two of them hurting him. She moved to one side as Maes slipped into the room. She gave Roy’s cock a final lick before surrendering it to Maes.
Maes kissed the base of Roy’s cock, then nuzzled the muscular insides of Roy’s thighs. Instead of pulling away, Roy just snickered. “Your beard tickles.”
Maes rubbed it against Roy’s skin. “Really?”
Roy giggled some more. “You should shave.”
“Uh-uh,” Gracia tapped Roy’s nose. “I like that tickle.”
“And I get to do this with her much more than you so what she wants, rules.” Maes grinned up at Roy. He moved over Roy, planting a hand on either side of Roy’s face, holding himself up over him. They all waited for Roy’s reaction. He quivered for a moment then reached up, and pulled Maes down for a kiss.
Gracia and Riza gave them some space on the bed, instinctively knowing this was where Roy would need to heal the most. Now robe-less, Gracia stripped Riza’s pants off. They allowed themselves heated explorations with lips and fingers for several luscious moments before turning back to their men. Maes had Roy on his side again, his oil-slicked hand stroking both their shafts against each other. They kissed deeply as Maes kept up the slow, deliberate motion on their cocks.
Riza slipped out of Gracia’s embrace and stretched out along side Roy’s back. His lips broke away from Maes’ as he twisted trying to find her mouth. Holding on tightly, she kissed him hard, then let one hand stray down to tease his testicles. Gracia was deliciously torturing her lover’s body while his attention remained mostly on Roy. Between her hands and Maes,’ they had Roy groaning until his whole body quaked with release. Afterwards, he lay languidly between Riza and Maes, while Gracia guided Maes over the edge.
They remained curled together, the only sounds their deep breathing and happy sighs. Maes twisted a bit, laying flat on the bed. He pulled Roy firmly on top of him while the ladies pressed in from either side, leaving Roy surrounded on three sides. He lay contently within that shelter, seeming to soak up every drop of love being showered on him. Finally, he maneuvered so he could kiss Riza then Gracia before snuggling his cheek against Maes’ slick chest.
“Should get up. Squashing you,” he murmured.
“You’re not that heavy, Roy.” Maes smiled at him, ruffling Roy’s hair.
They didn’t move for a little while longer but eventually Riza led Roy into the shower where cleaning up took much longer than absolutely necessary. By the time she had him rebandaged, the bed had been changed and Gracia and Maes had disappeared into their room.
“The bed’s not quite big enough for all of us,” Riza said apologetically as Roy climbed in.
“That’s all right.” He held his arms out to her. Riza snuggled up with him. “I almost never get to wake up with you. This will be nice.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “We have well over a week more to treat ourselves here.”
“Good.” He nuzzled her hair. “Thank you for tonight.”
“Do you understand now how much you mean to all of us?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” He crushed her to him. “Sometimes you might have to remind me and make me listen, even when I don’t want to.”
“That’s a promise,” she said, trying hard not to cry. He didn’t need that guilt on top of what he already had.
Roy relaxed his grip, kissing her. They curled up together as content as two cats sharing a sunbeam.
Chapter Seven
“The wounds healed up nicely. I doubt you’ll even see a lot of scarring,” Knox said as Roy levered himself up out of his belly-down position on the exam table. The infirmary was quiet and it was chilly inside the exam room.
“Good.” Roy swung off the table. He reached for his clothing. “Thanks for letting us use your place. I needed the break.”
“Figured as much. Mine’s coming soon enough. I’ll be out of here,” Knox said, anticipation for that event very evident on his face.
“I have to ask...what did they have you doing?” Roy didn’t want to know but he had to find out.
Knox shook his head. Anticipation was forced out by revulsion. “Forget I ever said it.”
“I can’t.” Roy buttoned his shirt slowly, not looking at Knox. “It’s killing me, almost literally.”
Knox gave him a look of surprise and pity. “I don’t know what the alchemists did to the people and they pretty much made it clear that if I talked about it, I wouldn’t have much of a life expectancy. What they wanted me for was to monitor pain levels in burn victims. It’s horribly painful but I’m sure you already knew that.”
“Sometimes, when I’d watch them burn, I’d wonder what the hell happened, how the flames got started then I remember it was me. It seemed to unreal to believe,” Roy said in a low voice.
“Try not to believe it. Maybe you’ll stay sane,” Knox said with a bitter laugh as he made a few notes in Roy’s chart.
“Any bets on that?” Roy asked sardonically.
“Not really. Go on, I’m done with you. In fact, I’ll be happy if I never see you or another soldier ever again,” Knox said gruffly, his eyes narrowing.
“You’ll see me again if I need help off the record. You and I...this past just tangles us up, doesn’t it?” Roy returned, his eyes hard.
Knox snorted. “You’re a brat, you know that, right?”
“It’s been said.” Roy smirked.
“Try not to need me.” Knox jerked a thumb toward the door.
“I’ll do my best.,” he said sincerely.
Roy headed out of the infirmary and since he wasn’t due back to work until after the weekend, he headed for a florist’s shop. He had already said everything he needed to to Maes and Riza, that just left the person he was finding it the hardest to talk to, maybe since he owed her so much.
It took over an hour but Roy came out of the shop with an icy blue glass vase filled with a glacially cool bouquet, irises, orchids and calla lilies all snowy white and full of meaning, about friendship, love and beauty. He felt a little self conscious carrying them into the bakery. Her parents’ dual shops were side by side in a row of brick buildings with ornate cornices. Nothing like a bakery right next door to a candy store. What if her parents were around? This probably wasn’t his best thought out plan. Luckily, she was alone, crafting a wedding cake of breath taking beauty.
Roy hadn’t realized her artistry. Three ivory towers, dotted with pearls of icing, sported a crown of flowers that tumbled down the tiers. White dogwoods, blue hydrangea and multi-hued roses looked so real he wanted to take a sniff. The place was filled with the sweetness of butter cream and sugar paste flowers. “Wow,” he said softly.
Gracia looked up, her eyes widening. The jangle of the bell as he came in told her she had a costumer but she wasn’t expecting him. She set aside the chocolate butterflies that she was arranging on the platter at the base of the cake. “Roy, is something wrong?”
“No. I...well I brought you these.” He set the flowers on the counter. “But I suppose you ought to tell everyone they’re from Maes.”
She wiped her hand on a towel and came over to him. “You look sad.”
“I talked to Knox about what happened in Ishbal,” he said then touched her shoulder gently, seeing the alarm in her eyes. “I’m okay, honestly. I needed to know.”
She put a hand on his cheek. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I just...well, I needed to talk to you. Probably should have waited until you were home before I stopped by with those.” He pointed to the flowers.
“They are gorgeous, Roy. Thank you. You didn’t have to, you know.” Gracia took the time to smell the fragrant bouquet he had brought.
“I owe you my life. I’m sorry I put you through that.” He stared at his feet. “I’m sorry you were the one I dumped it all out on.” He flinched a little as her arms when around him briefly, her lips feathering over his cheek.
“I am glad I could be there for you, Roy. It wasn’t easy on anyone, I can’t lie about that but I’m happy that I could help.” She smiled.
“You did more than that. I could have killed you by mistake.” Roy grimaced at the memory. “I would never want to hurt you but I could have if that gun had gone off. You risked yourself for me and I will never forget that. I wish I knew how to thank you. Just saying it doesn’t seem enough somehow.”
Gracia hugged him again. “That is all you need to say, Roy. I know what it means to you. You don’t need to do anything special.”
“I think when this started we really were merely webbed together by our love for a certain loquacious goof but now there is something more,” he whispered, realizing that he had fallen just the tiniest bit in love with his best friend’s girl and thought she cared for him in return.
“Yes, there is.” Gracia stepped back as a plump woman came into the room, carrying a tray of sticky buns. She gave Gracia an arch look. “And I’m telling him you called him a goof. Mom, this is Roy Mustang, Maes’ friend.”
“Oh yes, the poor young man who took that fall, the one you were helping to look after. How are you now?” the rotund baker asked, as she stocked up her display cabinet.
“I’m much better now, ma’am. Thanks in no small part to your daughter. You have a very special girl,” Roy said, smiling sweetly at the older woman. He knew he had to sound so earnest, maybe too much so but he meant it.
Gracia’s mother looked up, shoving back a lock of blonde hair. She gave him a look he didn’t doubt was reserved for silver-tongued devils. “Yes, she is.”
“Maes is a lucky guy. Well, I just wanted to stop by and say thanks, which I’ve done so I’ll let you get back to your lovely cake, Gracia,” Roy said, resting a hand on her arm.
“You’re not going to let that boy escape here empty-handed are you, Gracia?” Her mother gestured at Roy, her face curling into a wry frown. “He could slip through the mail slot. Find him something that’ll stick to his ribs.”
“Mother!” Gracia blushed. “Sorry, Roy. Would you like something?”
“That’s not really necessary but I guess, everything does smell so good. What would you suggest, Gracia?” Roy asked, eyeing the display cases.
“You can’t beat sticky buns fresh from the oven,” Gracia replied as her mother headed back into the kitchen.
“All right, I’ll have one,” he said, reaching for his wallet.
She waved off his attempts to pay as she put the sweet in a sack. “And you could use some chocolate goat milk fudge with walnuts with caramelized goat’s milk on top, something I’m experimenting with.”
“That sounds decadent.” He smirked, his eyes gleaming.
“I should hope so.” Gracia packed up a small box for him. “There you go. You’d better go tell Maes all about the beautiful flowers he brought me.”
“I will and Gracia, seriously, thanks.” Roy turned to go again.
“Roy?” When he turned, Gracia handed him a sugar paste rose. “I made too many.”
He took the flower. “You’re going to make me fat.”
“Somehow I doubt that’s possible. I’ll see you this weekend, Roy.” Her warm smile lit her eyes on fire.
“I certainly hope so.”
Roy left the sweets shop and headed for home. He’d share the fudge with Riza but he intended to be entirely greedy with the sticky bun. The rose dissolved on his tongue as he delicately picked it apart. There was no wondering why Maes loved Gracia so much. Roy thought about the three people he had woven into his life. He was a lucky man, luckier than he deserved. He knew all he would ever need to do now, if he was drowning, was to hold out a hand and they’d be there for him. What he owed to them was to be the best man he could be. He had failed at that in recent months. The time at the lake had shown him that but it had also rejuvenated him. He would be better. He would work on that dream of a better world. After all, he had three incredibly special people he needed to shield from the ugliness. This was something he could do. It was something he could dedicate himself to.
Almost content, Roy allowed himself a big, silly smile as he walked home.
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Date: 2006-08-03 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-03 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-08 11:18 pm (UTC)Found this through the link-post that you put up recently... I think I've got another OT4 now. This--both parts of it--was wonderful. Not something I ever thought I'd say about something out of the FMA fandom, but... you've officially dragged me back in! ♥
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Date: 2007-03-09 02:23 am (UTC)and I'm so glad you enjoyed this story. I do like working with trauma. I'm thrilled to have someone find this story at long last. I'm glad i posted about it
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Date: 2007-03-09 10:35 am (UTC)Oh, and ANGST!
And sexual tension (so thick one could actually be bound with it!)
GREAT JOB!
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Date: 2007-03-09 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-02 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-03 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-03 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-17 02:36 am (UTC)You made this OT4 really believable, and even more than that, you handled the rape very well. My favorite part was the lack of "healing cock." Roy, of course, wouldn't want to jump in bed immediately after! The entire healing process was perfectly paced, and made even better by the fact that you left it open. It's not over, and it's something Roy will face forever.
So, basically, SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS <3 I am now about a million times more interested in this foursome than I ever thought I would be.
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Date: 2011-04-17 03:45 am (UTC)I'm so glad you liked this. Post-Ishval is one of my favorite time periods to explore and I'm glad that you found it believeable. I truly do love the idea of this OT4 and enjoy writing it. And that you thought the rape and what happened afterwards was believable really made me happy.
Roy will be facing it forever (something I know well and first hand). It will come up again in Marking Time too
thanks again
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Date: 2012-04-10 02:45 am (UTC)I mean, I pretty much knew what I was getting into with this story, but still.
I liked seeing Roy's relationship develop with Gracia. I am such a sucker for the OT4.
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Date: 2012-04-10 03:08 am (UTC)