Happy Birthday

[cornerofmadness]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY marenfic!!!!

And I have a little birthday treat for you. Well...sort of a treat...okay a nibble of cake is more like it than anything. It's the rough draft of the next chapter of Hyperion's Son...and only part of it because I lost part of the hand written draft somewhere in this house (Gee, COM do you give out broken toys at Christmas too?) But given how long it's been since this has seen the light of day I was hoping a snippet was better than nothing. Hope you enjoy...and hopefully the full chapter of this will be ready soon.

For a refresher the fanfic...uh novel is here Hyperion’s Son

thanks to evil_little_dog for the ultrafast beta and for assuring me it doesn't totally suck.



Chapter Twenty
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Hurt - Johnny Cash


Connor avoided everyone else until late afternoon when they started arriving back from work. He just didn’t want to deal with anyone. Would they wonder why he’d gone out looking for drugs again or about his latest fight with Angel or why he was so damn useless to them all? Saving Josh from getting eaten had made no impact on these people. Why should Connor expect that anything else he’d do would make them feel any differently towards him? He ran across Buffy first. Her face seemed tired, her lips pinched, her eyes hard. “Is something wrong? Anything I can do?”

“No.” Her voice was as sharp as glass then she softened some. “Sorry. It’s not your fault, Connor. Leda tried to escape today and she nearly made it.”

Connor rocked back at that. He should have seen something like that coming, maybe they all should have but he could see it hit Buffy like a fist. “Oh, sorry. Has she started with her counselors yet?”

Buffy nodded. “For all the good its doing.” She sounded every bit as weary as she looked.

“It takes time. There are a lot of back sliding and going sideways,” Connor said. Who was he trying to convince, himself or her?

“Guess you’d know.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “Did that sound uber bitchy?”

“Yeah, but you’ve been under a lot of stress so I’ll look past it,” Connor said, realizing there was no point in aggravating her. Out of all of them, he wanted Buffy at least to not hate him for Angel’s sake and maybe even Dawn’s. Buffy’s sister seemed to like him and didn’t want her catching hell on his behalf. Buffy had no reasons to hate him - what he had done to Angel aside - so maybe things weren’t lost with her.

“Thanks.” She sighed, running a hand through her blond hair. Buffy looked askance at him. “I’d avoid the others. Fred and Gunn are still on a warpath about their friend getting killed.”

Connor glowered. “That’s not my fault.”

“I guess you used to be a better fighter,” Buffy said uneasily.

“Oh, so it is my fault the demon’s not dead,” Connor said tightly. He couldn’t believe this. It wasn’t his fault. He tried his best. Maybe he wasn’t the man he used to be and okay maybe that was his fault but he had tried. He could have died and he still tried. Didn’t that count?

“They’re just blowing off steam,” Buffy said placatingly.

“No, it’s always been like this. I was always the one blamed for everything. Sometimes with reason, sometimes not,” Connor said, sounding very small and beaten. “You try to kill one vampire and you’re never forgiven.”

“You tried to kill your father and well you didn’t kill him, did you? You skipped right over that to torture,” Buffy reminded him, her voice edged slightly but her eyes didn’t harden as well.

Connor’s shoulders slumped. “I’m Angelus’ son. What do people expect of me?”

“For you to embrace the human side of your nature.” Buffy volleyed back, looking more concerned for him than angry.

Connor spread his hands. “You got me there. I have my excuses and reasons but it comes down to I can’t change what happened and either I’m forgiven or not. I know where most people come down on it. I think maybe Dad’s forgiven me. He said he did but he never acted like it until the end.”

Buffy touched his arm lightly. “Have you ever talked to him about that?”

“We don’t talk much, maybe we should,” Connor said as he entered the library where the crew had gathered. Connor scanned the crowd to see what he was up against. Angel was walled into a chair by books. Wesley, Spike and Giles ringed around a table also filled with books. Xander and Cordy were on one love seat, Fred and Gunn on the other. Dawn and Willow were absent. Faith was loading up on more books from the shelves.

“What’s there to talk about?” Fred asked coolly, looking up from her work.

“Well, mostly I was talking about my dad and myself and the whole idea of forgiveness,” Connor said, knowing it was pointless to even bother. He could tell by the frost in the air.

“You think you deserve it?” Fred couldn’t hide her disbelief and contempt.

“Well, maybe.” Connor flopped down on the floor next to the bookshelves.

“Good luck with that. This is not a forgiving crew,” Spike said, glaring at Xander. The dark haired man curled his lip at the former vampire.

“Tell me about it,” Faith said, settling some books in front of the Watchers. “I’m not sure I’ve been forgiven but maybe there are some things that can’t be. But Angel is probably the most forgiving guy I know. Wes isn’t so bad himself.” Faith tossed a fond glance over at the Watcher.

“Actually, I’ve noticed that, Faith,” Connor said, purposely not looking at his father. He could feel Angel’s eyes on him. “And he’s the one person who shouldn’t forgive me.”

“I have though, Connor,” Angel said softly. “You just didn’t understand what you were doing.”

“You so sure about that, Angel? He knew enough to take care of you and fake being our friend for the whole summer,” Gunn said and Connor winced. Why were some people in this group allowed to live things down and others not he wondered not for the first time.

“Sounds like the thing to do when you come from demon parents,” Xander put in and Cordy looked at him sharply.

“I’m warning you now, Xander, this isn’t your fight so stay out of it,” Angel snapped, jabbing a finger at Xander. To his credit, Xander quieted.

“You know, if I had attacked any other vampire, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Connor said, shifting on the floor where he sat. His blue eyes finally met them all, defiant now.

“He has a point,” Spike put in, flipping through his book as he feigned disinterest.

“But it wasn’t any other vampire. It was your father,” Buffy said, repeating her mantra from when she and Connor had been alone. “That does make it hard.”

“And Gunn and Fred helped Angel hurt someone I loved so it’s the same thing as far as I’m concerned.. Those two kept me busy while Angelus went to kill the only father I had ever know and don’t say that you didn’t because I heard you,” Connor said to Gunn and Fred. “You thought Holtz deserved it. Not many people deserve killing. Maybe he did but I didn’t think so. He was my father in most of the ways that count. How do you think I felt being stuck in a strange world with nothing but the two people who didn’t care if Angelus killed my father. You two terrified me.”

“I never thought of it that way,” Gunn said, shifting uncomfortably. His gaze canted towards his wife but she didn’t mellow the way he had.

“But we didn’t do anything to you,” Fred said., shoving up her glasses irritably.

“No, you took good care of me and I started to trust you. I was grateful even if I never said it, but that didn’t change how I felt,” Connor said, softly. He had been grateful enough for how they helped him adjust. If you thought I had a hand in hurting Angel, you weren’t wrong and I thought you had one in killing Holtz.”

“And Angel told you he didn’t,” Fred argued, her fingers tightening around the edges of her book.

“And my whole life I was told how Angelus would lie to me and make me care about him. I believed Holtz in that whatever I was seeing was just a pleasing lie,” Connor explained.

“I should have known,” Angel mumbled, misery reflecting in his eyes.

“And we told you that you could trust Angel,” Fred seemed determined to counter anything Connor said.

“I grew up believing he was an evil monster. You have to cut me a little slack,” Connor said, already wearying of the fight. He wasn’t going to win. He knew that.

“You’ve always been full of excuses,” Fred replied, tossing her research book down on the table in disgust.

“Oh, cut me a break.” Connor felt what little calm he had snap. “Haven’t you ever heard of prejudice? Come on, Fred, you’re in a mixed race marriage with a biracial kid. You can’t tell me no one’s ever said something prejudiced to you. Ever wonder how they got that way? Chances are their parents taught them that hate and it’s not something you can get over with a snap of your fingers.”

“I know this isn’t my fight any more than it’s Xander’s but Connor makes a great deal of sense. You don’t just forget ingrained prejudices easily,” Giles said, looking over the rim of his glasses. He had kept silent through all the drama until now but Connor realized the older man had been listening intently.

“I guess what you say makes sense. I mean that spell to restore Cordy’s memory, it shoved all of Angel’s old prejudices back to front, calling me a slave and picking on the English,” Gunn said and Connor was grateful that at least he was making headway with one of them. He didn’t want to cause Angel any more pain and the mere fact he upset his father’s friends so much was a bad thing.

“Sorry. In my teenaged years that just was the way things were,” Angel said sheepishly. “And well, things between the English and the Irish haven’t improved much in the intervening years.”


“And that’s my point. You wanted me to accomplish in days what humanity has taken centuries to do,” Connor said, gesturing at his father for emphasis. “I know that isn’t a perfect analogy and the point is, I did try to make the leap.”

“When?” Fred leaned against Gunn, looking at Connor as hostilely as she had the time she wielded the taser on him.

“I tried to. I came back and worked with you to beat the Beast and save Angel, didn’t I?” Connor asked.

“You tried to kill Angel during that,” Gunn reminded him.

“He asked me to!” Connor raged, propelling himself off the floor to stalk around the library. He felt as caged as a tiger.

“Oh like he would,” Fred batted back.

“I did,” Angel broke in gently. “I’m sorry, Connor. I shouldn’t have done that."


okay I'm off in the fog to go to the mothman festival!

Comments

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

Have fun!

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

OMG YAY!!! HS!!!! I feel like it's *my* birthday! *dances*

Have fun at the festival!!

*hugs*

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. Betting A2Z Mom and several others are all happy too

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

How could you have possibly have guessed?

Love this snippet. I think this talk is long overdoe and Connor brings up some very good points.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This talk is killing me. There's more to it (yes the stuff I misplaced) but when I first invisioned it there was so much more and now...i've lost it up here inmy head sadly.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

Wow, more Hyperion's Son! Very cool snippet- I very much like the hashing out of the circumstances surrounding Connor's behavior. The parts with Spike and Faith talking about them not being a very forgiving group are priceless. And I particularly like the convo between Buffy and Connor before they get to everyone else-- Buffy will forgive him someday, I think.

Thanks for the birthday wishes and for writing some more for me Dana.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

you're welcome. Hope you had a great birthday. I hope to get more of this done soon and then I think you'll really like the chapter that comes next. Buffy and Connor work out a lot of things