Fic update- Hyperion's Son
Mar. 10th, 2007 09:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessAT LONG LAST! I know some of you may have seen bits of this but here it is, all of chapter twenty and heck on paper I even have 21 started
Happy Tenth Anniversary Buffy!
Hyperion's Son
By D.M. Evans
Disclaimer - Sing the chorus. I don't own them (well, Darts, Misty and Night Rain are mine), Joss does. No harm intended, no money made, thank you for letting us borrow them for a while.
Timeline - Post series, BtVS/AtS crossover
Rating - FRM (for language and drug use)
Pairing - Buffy/Angel, Gunn/Fred and probably a few others as we roll on
Summary - Ten years after Angel gave up his son, Angel Investigations has a strange new case, one of the young new Slayers training with Buffy in LA has turned up dead just like a half dozen or so street kids leading Angel, Buffy and their friends into a very dark world of hopelessness to find the evil is after one of their own.
Author=s Note - Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
evil_little_dog and leni_ba for all their editing and hard work and invaluable input
the rest of the chapters (note this goes to FFN)
Chapter Twenty
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Hurt - Johnny Cash
Connor avoided everyone else until late afternoon when they started arriving back from work. He just didn’t want to deal with anyone. Would they wonder if he’d gone out looking for drugs again or talk about his latest fight with Angel or why he was so damn useless to them all? Saving Josh from getting eaten had made no impact on these people. Why should Connor expect that anything else he’d do would make them feel any differently towards him? He ran across Buffy first. Her face seemed tired, her lips pinched, her eyes hard. He felt sorry for her. “Is something wrong? Anything I can do?”
“No.” Her voice was as sharp as glass then she softened some. “Sorry. It’s not your fault, Connor. Leda tried to escape today and she nearly made it.”
Connor rocked back at that. He should have seen something like that coming, maybe they all should have, but he could see it had hit Buffy like a fist. “Oh, sorry. Has she started with her counselors yet?”
Buffy nodded. “For all the good it’s doing.” She sounded every bit as weary as she looked.
“It takes time. There are a lot of back sliding and going sideways,” Connor said, hesitantly. Who was he trying to convince, himself or her?
“Guess you’d know.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, her lips pulling down into a frown. “Did that sound uber bitchy?”
“Yeah, but you’ve been under a lot of stress so I’ll look past it,” Connor said, realizing there was no point in aggravating her. Out of all of them, he wanted Buffy at least to not hate him for Angel’s sake and maybe even Dawn’s. Buffy’s sister seemed to like him and didn’t want her catching hell on his behalf. Buffy had no reasons to hate him - what he had done to Angel aside - so maybe things weren’t lost with her.
“Thanks.” She sighed, running a hand through her blond hair. Buffy looked askance at him. “I’d avoid the others. Fred and Gunn are still on a warpath about their friend getting killed.”
Connor glowered. “That’s not my fault.”
“I guess you used to be a better fighter,” Buffy said uneasily, not meeting his eyes.
“Oh, so it is my fault the demon’s not dead,” Connor said tightly. He couldn’t believe this. It really wasn’t his fault. He tried his best. Maybe he wasn’t the man he used to be and, okay, maybe that was his fault, but he had tried. He could have died and he still tried. Didn’t that count?
“They’re just blowing off steam,” Buffy said placatingly.
“No, it’s always been like this. I was always the one blamed for everything. Sometimes with reason, sometimes not,” Connor said, sounding very small and beaten. “You try to kill one vampire and you’re never forgiven.”
“You tried to kill your father and well, you didn’t kill him, did you? You skipped right over that to torture,” Buffy reminded him, her voice edged slightly but her eyes didn’t harden at least.
Connor’s shoulders slumped. “I’m Angelus’ son. What do people expect of me?”
“For you to embrace the human side of your nature,” Buffy volleyed back, looking more concerned for him than angry.
Connor spread his hands. “You got me there. I have my excuses and reasons but it comes down to I can’t change what happened and either I’m forgiven or not. I know where most people come down on it. I think maybe Dad’s forgiven me. He said he did but he never acted like it until the end.”
Buffy touched his arm lightly, her face softening some. “Have you ever talked to him about that?”
“We don’t talk much, maybe we should,” Connor said as he entered the library where the crew had gathered. Connor scanned the crowd to see what he was up against. Angel was walled into a chair by books. Wesley, Spike and Giles ringed around a table also filled with books. Xander and Cordy were on one love seat, Fred and Gunn on the other. Dawn and Willow were absent. Faith was loading up on more books from the shelves. Maybe he should have heeded Buffy’s advice and just avoided all of this.
“What’s there to talk about?” Fred asked coolly, looking up from her work.
“Mostly I was talking about my dad and myself and the whole idea of forgiveness,” Connor said, knowing it was pointless to even bother. He could tell by the frost in the air.
“You think you deserve it?” Fred couldn’t hide her disbelief.
“Maybe.” Connor flopped down on the floor next to the bookshelves.
“Good luck with that. This is not a forgiving crew,” Spike said, glaring at Xander. The dark haired man curled his lip at the former vampire.
“Tell me about it,” Faith said, settling some books in front of the Watchers. “I’m not sure I’ve been forgiven but maybe there are some things that can’t be. But Angel is probably the most forgiving guy I know. Wes isn’t so bad himself.” Faith tossed a fond glance over at the Watcher.
“Actually, I’ve noticed that, Faith,” Connor said, purposely not looking at his father. He could feel Angel’s eyes on him. “And Angel’s the one person who shouldn’t forgive me.”
“I have though, Connor,” Angel said softly, moving the stack of books so he could get up. “You just didn’t understand what you were doing.”
“You so sure about that, Angel? He knew enough to take care of you and fake being our friend for the whole summer,” Gunn spat, glaring over at Connor and the young man winced. Why were some people in this group allowed to live things down and others not Connor wondered not for the first time.
“Sounds like the thing to do when you come from demon parents,” Xander put in and Cordy looked at him sharply.
“I’m warning you now, Xander, this isn’t your fight so stay out of it,” Angel snapped, jabbing a finger at Xander. To his credit, Xander quieted even if he did settle into an unhappy sulk.
“You know, if I had attacked any other vampire, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Connor said, shifting on the floor where he sat. His blue eyes finally met them all, defiant now.
“He has a point,” Spike put in, flipping through his book as he feigned disinterest.
“But it wasn’t any other vampire. It was your father,” Buffy said, repeating her mantra from when she and Connor had been alone. “That does make it hard.”
“If you thought I had a hand in hurting Angel, you weren’t wrong and I thought Angel had one in killing Holtz,” Connor said softly.
“And Angel told you he didn’t,” Fred argued, her fingers tightening around the edges of her book.
“And my whole life I was told how Angelus would lie to me and make me care about him. I believed Holtz in that whatever I was seeing was just a pleasing lie,” Connor explained.
“I should have known,” Angel mumbled, misery reflecting in his eyes. The vampire slumped back.
“And we told you that you could trust Angel,” Fred seemed determined to counter anything Connor said.
“I grew up believing he was an evil monster. You have to cut me a little slack,” Connor said, already wearying of the fight. He wasn’t going to win. He knew that. He slumped against the bookcase he was sitting in front of.
“You’ve always been full of excuses,” Fred replied, tossing her research book down on the table in disgust.
“Oh, give me a break.” Connor felt what little calm he had snap. “Haven’t you ever heard of prejudice? Come on, Fred, you’re in a mixed race marriage with a biracial kid. You can’t tell me no one’s ever said something prejudiced to you. Ever wonder how they got that way? Chances are their parents taught them that hate and it’s not something you can get over with a snap of your fingers.”
“I know this isn’t my fight any more than it’s Xander’s but Connor makes a great deal of sense. You don’t just forget ingrained prejudices easily,” Giles said, looking over the rim of his glasses. He had kept silent through all the drama until now but Connor realized the older man had been listening intently.
“I guess what you say makes sense. I mean that spell to restore Cordy’s memory, it shoved all of Angel’s old prejudices back to front, calling me a slave and picking on the English,” Gunn said and Connor was grateful that at least he was making headway with one of them. He didn’t want to cause Angel any more pain and the mere fact he upset his father’s friends so much was a bad thing.
“Sorry. In my teenaged years that just was the way things were,” Angel said sheepishly. “And well, things between the English and the Irish haven’t improved much in the intervening years.”
“And that’s my point. You wanted me to accomplish in days what humanity has taken centuries to do,” Connor said, gesturing at his father for emphasis. “I know that isn’t a perfect analogy and the point is, I did try to make the leap.”
“When?” Fred leaned against Gunn, looking at Connor as hostilely as she had the time she wielded the taser on him.
“I tried to. I came back and worked with you to beat the Beast and save Angel, didn’t I?” Connor’s frustration curled through his words like smoke.
“You tried to kill Angel during that,” Gunn reminded him.
The room went silent for a moment, eyes turning to Connor. Buffy’s face went dead white, her eyes hardening. Something indescribable passed over Xander’s face while Faith’s lip curled with disgust.
Spike muttered, “Damn, it didn’t work.”
“He asked me to!” Connor raged, propelling himself off the floor to stalk around the library. He felt as caged as a tiger.
“Oh, like he would,” Fred batted back.
“I did,” Angel broke in gently and all eyes snapped over to him in shock. “I’m sorry, Connor. I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair to put that on your shoulders or at least I should have let everyone know that it was my wishes, not yours. I should have known how it would look. That was terribly short-sighted of me,” Angel said lowly.
“One of many short-sighted moments for all of us. You could have told me what you suspected about Cordelia.” Connor’s gaze cut over to the woman in question.
Cordy’s lips pursed, her eyes narrowing. “What about me?”
“Nothing.” Connor shook his head.
“Cordy, you and I have that school stuff to get to,” Xander said, sensing that this was something that she didn’t need to hear. “For the party. This talk doesn’t really have anything to do with us.”
“I did hear my name.” Cordelia crossed her arms, glaring at them all.
“Cordelia,” Angel said gently. Crossing over to her, he rested a hand on her shoulder. “Xander’s right. This is mostly between my son and me, Fred and Gunn.”
“Fine.” She jumped to her feet, shooting a death glare at him. “But I know you’re just getting rid of me.”
“Sorry, Cordelia,” Connor said softly.
She regarded him closely. “Thank you,” she said then let Xander lead her off.
“You know, they could use some help with the party,” Faith said, grabbing Wes and yanked him toward the door. She snagged Spike on the way. He protested the treatment, far too interested in the drama for his own good. Giles went along without any prompting.
Connor sagged into a chair. “I have to know, Angel, why didn’t you ever let me in on the sting to prove Cordelia was behind what was going wrong? You told everyone but me. So much could have been different.” He rubbed a hand over his stinging eyes, getting a quick rein on his emotions. All would have been different if he hadn’t thought Cordelia was about to be murdered. Maybe Jasmine could have died still born. Maybe Cordelia wouldn’t be as she was today. Maybe he wouldn’t have ended up like this. Maybe they all wouldn’t have such misery in their lives.
“He knew better than to trust you,” Fred said, flinging her long hair back.
“It’s obvious that he didn’t but he didn’t need to trust me. All he had to do was keep me with him or with one of you and say we were looking for the demon and not tell me anything more. I would have believed that and seen with my own eyes what was happening. How hard would that have been? Instead, you let me think you were trying to kill Cordelia and she made sure that I believed it was because of us.” Connor trembled hard, nearly jerking out of the chair. “I didn’t even believe my mother when she came to warn me.”
“What are you talking about?” Buffy asked. She had wisely tried to hang back from the conversation, unsure really what she added to it.
“A woman came to me, petite, blonde, pretty, said she was my mother and for a while, I believed her.” Connor tapped his chest. “I felt it then Cordelia interfered and then…she convinced me that you all hated and feared me so much that you used a spell to impersonate my dead mother…after that things get kinda hazy. I’m not sure if that’s your spell, Angel, or my own screwed up brain. I think those are things I can’t live with remembering clearly.” Connor quaked again.
“Why would you have believed Cordy about that?” Gunn asked, honestly curious.
“Because none of you were honest with me. You automatically assumed I was evil before I was even born,” Connor said, trying to hold back the sudden swell of pain. “You wanted to kill me in the womb.”
“Cordelia told you that?” Angel said so mournfully that it hurt Connor to hear it. He came over to Connor’s chair. “Connor, we had no idea what you would be. We didn’t think that two vampires could create anything good but once we saw the ultrasound and Darla told me about feeling your soul, we didn’t want to hurt you. Did Cordy tell you that, too?
Connor glanced away, cursing under his breath. “No, she made sure to tell me I made Darla invincible. I assumed that was the only reason I was born.”
Angel patted Connor’s shoulder. “That isn’t true.”
Connor shrugged. “Maybe not but how was I to know? No one ever made me feel wanted…well, just a little that summer. I know you and Fred tried, Gunn, but even then I never thought you were comfortable with me.” He tugged at his hair. “You didn’t even know Cordy had gone evil but you automatically assumed that the baby would be evil because of me.”
“We weren’t wrong,” Fred reminded him, her voice so shrill it was like a dentist drill hitting an unanesthetized tooth.
“Maybe not, but at least you could apologize for acting like I was the one who’s a threat to Josh. But you won’t. Truth is, you never liked me much.” Connor knew that wasn’t true. For a time, Fred had seemed to like him a little but he was too angry to acknowledge that at the moment. “Even when you and Gunn were looking out for me, you were afraid. Never once did you even think maybe I was afraid, too,” Connor said, a sudden fragility entering his voice. He felt ashamed of that weakness but maybe they needed to see it.
“Of what?” Gunn asked. “You already knew what demon had gotten hold of Angel. You weren’t worried about it like we were. I suppose your only fear was us finding out.”
“I was trapped in a world I didn’t know with people who purposely took me out of the way so Angel could do whatever he wanted to the only father I had ever known. Did you forget I overheard you two talking? Neither of you had a problem with Angel killing Holtz.” Connor stabbed a finger at them, that buried betrayal raising its ugly head. He felt the pain as fresh as if someone had just drawn a claw across his flesh. “You thought Holtz deserved it. Not many people deserve killing. Maybe he did but I didn’t think so. He was my father in most of the ways that count. How do you think I felt being stuck in a strange world with nothing but the two people who didn’t care if Angelus killed my father? You two terrified me. I was afraid that you’d turn on me next for not being what Angel wanted me to be.” No one said anything, the room so quiet it was impossible to believe it had as many people as it did stuffed into it.
“I never thought of it that way,” Gunn said, shifting uncomfortably. His gaze canted towards his wife but she didn’t mellow the way he had.
“But we didn’t do anything to you,” Fred said, shoving up her glasses irritably.
“No, you took good care of me and I started to trust you. I appreciated it even if I never said so but that didn’t change how I felt,” Connor said, softly. He had been grateful enough for how they helped him adjust. Seeing Fred’s disbelief, he tossed up his hands. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m accomplishing nothing.” He moved toward the door.
“Connor, please,” Angel started but Connor flung up a hand to silence him and was gone before Angel could continue his thought.
Connor didn’t know why he hurt so much but he did. He should have expected it. He thought maybe it would be different now, so many years later, but even Angel didn’t really apologize. Oh, he hadn’t denied his mistakes but he still didn’t apologize for them. Connor hadn’t expected him to. Maybe he should have been the first to offer an apology since he owed many as well. Too late now. He was just so tired of life in general. He wanted to rest, to simply shut his eyes and not open them again.
Tossing himself on his borrowed bed, Connor went limp. Ratter came over to see him. He scratched the cat’s head. “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you, baby.” Connor hunted up some paper and started to write.
X X X
“Guess I’m glad I missed most of the drama,” Dawn said, heading for her second story bedroom with Buffy behind her.
“I feel so sorry for Angel,” Buffy said wearily. “It hurts to see him aching for his son. I wish I knew what to do to help.” She rubbed her arms vigorously.
“Sounds like the real problem is in the past. I’m not sure you can help,” Dawn said, bending down to scoop up some folded paper leaning against her bedroom door. “Hmm, Connor left me a letter.”
“What for?” Buffy peered over Dawn’s shoulder. “I guess he does actually like you.” She nudged Dawn with an elbow.
Dawn bobbed her head. “He trusts me, says so right here.” She tapped the letter. “Thanks me for being nice to him and asks me to watch his cat.”
Buffy’s nose wrinkled. “What’s that all about?”
Dawn rolled her shoulders. “I’m not sure.”
“Sounds almost like goodbye,” Buffy mused then the sisters exchanged horrified glances.
“If he were just leaving, he’d take the cat, right?” Dawn said, already knowing the answer.
They tore through the hotel, calling Connor’s name. His room was empty so Dawn went up to check Buffy and Angel’s penthouse while Buffy went looking for Angel. Willow popped out of her room, startling the Slayer.
“What’s wrong, Buffy?”
“Maybe nothing but Connor left Dawn a very ominous note. I think he might have hurt himself,” Buffy said tightly. Loping towards the railing, she leapt over it.
Willow darted back into her room and grabbed her medical bag before thundering down the steps. She nearly collided with Angel and Buffy as they came out of the library. “Did you find him?” she asked.
“No. Maybe I’m just overreacting,” Buffy said, her face pale. “The letter didn’t say anything bad.”
Angel shook his head, fear etching into his broad features. “Connor loves his grand gestures.”
“Then it’s bad,” Buffy muttered, skidding to a stop near the courtyard doors. She spied a shadow under one of the shade trees. “There!” She didn’t have to say more. It didn’t look good, not unless Connor decided to take a nap under a eucalyptus tree in the full afternoon sun, and she couldn’t imagine that. Angel muscled her aside, racing through the doors. “No! Angel, it’s daylight!”
Her lover didn’t stop. Smoke curled up from his head and shoulders and Buffy lunged after him. He snared Connor’s arm before she caught Angel’s but she was more than capable of dragging them both into the shade of the building. Angel’s knees smacked hard into the ground as he slumped over Connor. The band he’d used to help shoot up dangled loosely in his fingers and Buffy could see the hypodermic lying in the grass.
“He’s not breathing,” Angel said, his voice so tight Buffy could barely hear him.
While she wondered if CPR would work for someone who had poisoned himself to death, Buffy dodged Willow who darted forward with her bag in hand. The red-headed doctor reached for Connor but Angel batted her hand away, nothing but raw grief in his eyes.
“Let me help, Angel,” Willow snapped, opening her bag. She withdrew a syringe and a vial of liquid. “Narcan, this reverses the effected of heroin. I can bring him back.”
Angel let her punch in the medicine and Connor’s body shuddered. He dragged in a ragged breath. He muttered something Buffy couldn’t hear then shut his eyes again. Angel folded him to his chest, rocking his son. Silent tears wended down the vampire’s face, sun-pocked face.
Willow looked up at the Slayer. “Call 911. He’s back but he’s not out of the woods.”
Buffy dialed, thinking they had missed a chance this afternoon to stop this. If Connor didn’t make it, she didn’t think Angel would ever forgive himself.
Happy Tenth Anniversary Buffy!
Hyperion's Son
By D.M. Evans
Disclaimer - Sing the chorus. I don't own them (well, Darts, Misty and Night Rain are mine), Joss does. No harm intended, no money made, thank you for letting us borrow them for a while.
Timeline - Post series, BtVS/AtS crossover
Rating - FRM (for language and drug use)
Pairing - Buffy/Angel, Gunn/Fred and probably a few others as we roll on
Summary - Ten years after Angel gave up his son, Angel Investigations has a strange new case, one of the young new Slayers training with Buffy in LA has turned up dead just like a half dozen or so street kids leading Angel, Buffy and their friends into a very dark world of hopelessness to find the evil is after one of their own.
Author=s Note - Thanks to
evil_little_dog and leni_ba for all their editing and hard work and invaluable inputthe rest of the chapters (note this goes to FFN)
Chapter Twenty
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Hurt - Johnny Cash
Connor avoided everyone else until late afternoon when they started arriving back from work. He just didn’t want to deal with anyone. Would they wonder if he’d gone out looking for drugs again or talk about his latest fight with Angel or why he was so damn useless to them all? Saving Josh from getting eaten had made no impact on these people. Why should Connor expect that anything else he’d do would make them feel any differently towards him? He ran across Buffy first. Her face seemed tired, her lips pinched, her eyes hard. He felt sorry for her. “Is something wrong? Anything I can do?”
“No.” Her voice was as sharp as glass then she softened some. “Sorry. It’s not your fault, Connor. Leda tried to escape today and she nearly made it.”
Connor rocked back at that. He should have seen something like that coming, maybe they all should have, but he could see it had hit Buffy like a fist. “Oh, sorry. Has she started with her counselors yet?”
Buffy nodded. “For all the good it’s doing.” She sounded every bit as weary as she looked.
“It takes time. There are a lot of back sliding and going sideways,” Connor said, hesitantly. Who was he trying to convince, himself or her?
“Guess you’d know.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, her lips pulling down into a frown. “Did that sound uber bitchy?”
“Yeah, but you’ve been under a lot of stress so I’ll look past it,” Connor said, realizing there was no point in aggravating her. Out of all of them, he wanted Buffy at least to not hate him for Angel’s sake and maybe even Dawn’s. Buffy’s sister seemed to like him and didn’t want her catching hell on his behalf. Buffy had no reasons to hate him - what he had done to Angel aside - so maybe things weren’t lost with her.
“Thanks.” She sighed, running a hand through her blond hair. Buffy looked askance at him. “I’d avoid the others. Fred and Gunn are still on a warpath about their friend getting killed.”
Connor glowered. “That’s not my fault.”
“I guess you used to be a better fighter,” Buffy said uneasily, not meeting his eyes.
“Oh, so it is my fault the demon’s not dead,” Connor said tightly. He couldn’t believe this. It really wasn’t his fault. He tried his best. Maybe he wasn’t the man he used to be and, okay, maybe that was his fault, but he had tried. He could have died and he still tried. Didn’t that count?
“They’re just blowing off steam,” Buffy said placatingly.
“No, it’s always been like this. I was always the one blamed for everything. Sometimes with reason, sometimes not,” Connor said, sounding very small and beaten. “You try to kill one vampire and you’re never forgiven.”
“You tried to kill your father and well, you didn’t kill him, did you? You skipped right over that to torture,” Buffy reminded him, her voice edged slightly but her eyes didn’t harden at least.
Connor’s shoulders slumped. “I’m Angelus’ son. What do people expect of me?”
“For you to embrace the human side of your nature,” Buffy volleyed back, looking more concerned for him than angry.
Connor spread his hands. “You got me there. I have my excuses and reasons but it comes down to I can’t change what happened and either I’m forgiven or not. I know where most people come down on it. I think maybe Dad’s forgiven me. He said he did but he never acted like it until the end.”
Buffy touched his arm lightly, her face softening some. “Have you ever talked to him about that?”
“We don’t talk much, maybe we should,” Connor said as he entered the library where the crew had gathered. Connor scanned the crowd to see what he was up against. Angel was walled into a chair by books. Wesley, Spike and Giles ringed around a table also filled with books. Xander and Cordy were on one love seat, Fred and Gunn on the other. Dawn and Willow were absent. Faith was loading up on more books from the shelves. Maybe he should have heeded Buffy’s advice and just avoided all of this.
“What’s there to talk about?” Fred asked coolly, looking up from her work.
“Mostly I was talking about my dad and myself and the whole idea of forgiveness,” Connor said, knowing it was pointless to even bother. He could tell by the frost in the air.
“You think you deserve it?” Fred couldn’t hide her disbelief.
“Maybe.” Connor flopped down on the floor next to the bookshelves.
“Good luck with that. This is not a forgiving crew,” Spike said, glaring at Xander. The dark haired man curled his lip at the former vampire.
“Tell me about it,” Faith said, settling some books in front of the Watchers. “I’m not sure I’ve been forgiven but maybe there are some things that can’t be. But Angel is probably the most forgiving guy I know. Wes isn’t so bad himself.” Faith tossed a fond glance over at the Watcher.
“Actually, I’ve noticed that, Faith,” Connor said, purposely not looking at his father. He could feel Angel’s eyes on him. “And Angel’s the one person who shouldn’t forgive me.”
“I have though, Connor,” Angel said softly, moving the stack of books so he could get up. “You just didn’t understand what you were doing.”
“You so sure about that, Angel? He knew enough to take care of you and fake being our friend for the whole summer,” Gunn spat, glaring over at Connor and the young man winced. Why were some people in this group allowed to live things down and others not Connor wondered not for the first time.
“Sounds like the thing to do when you come from demon parents,” Xander put in and Cordy looked at him sharply.
“I’m warning you now, Xander, this isn’t your fight so stay out of it,” Angel snapped, jabbing a finger at Xander. To his credit, Xander quieted even if he did settle into an unhappy sulk.
“You know, if I had attacked any other vampire, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Connor said, shifting on the floor where he sat. His blue eyes finally met them all, defiant now.
“He has a point,” Spike put in, flipping through his book as he feigned disinterest.
“But it wasn’t any other vampire. It was your father,” Buffy said, repeating her mantra from when she and Connor had been alone. “That does make it hard.”
“If you thought I had a hand in hurting Angel, you weren’t wrong and I thought Angel had one in killing Holtz,” Connor said softly.
“And Angel told you he didn’t,” Fred argued, her fingers tightening around the edges of her book.
“And my whole life I was told how Angelus would lie to me and make me care about him. I believed Holtz in that whatever I was seeing was just a pleasing lie,” Connor explained.
“I should have known,” Angel mumbled, misery reflecting in his eyes. The vampire slumped back.
“And we told you that you could trust Angel,” Fred seemed determined to counter anything Connor said.
“I grew up believing he was an evil monster. You have to cut me a little slack,” Connor said, already wearying of the fight. He wasn’t going to win. He knew that. He slumped against the bookcase he was sitting in front of.
“You’ve always been full of excuses,” Fred replied, tossing her research book down on the table in disgust.
“Oh, give me a break.” Connor felt what little calm he had snap. “Haven’t you ever heard of prejudice? Come on, Fred, you’re in a mixed race marriage with a biracial kid. You can’t tell me no one’s ever said something prejudiced to you. Ever wonder how they got that way? Chances are their parents taught them that hate and it’s not something you can get over with a snap of your fingers.”
“I know this isn’t my fight any more than it’s Xander’s but Connor makes a great deal of sense. You don’t just forget ingrained prejudices easily,” Giles said, looking over the rim of his glasses. He had kept silent through all the drama until now but Connor realized the older man had been listening intently.
“I guess what you say makes sense. I mean that spell to restore Cordy’s memory, it shoved all of Angel’s old prejudices back to front, calling me a slave and picking on the English,” Gunn said and Connor was grateful that at least he was making headway with one of them. He didn’t want to cause Angel any more pain and the mere fact he upset his father’s friends so much was a bad thing.
“Sorry. In my teenaged years that just was the way things were,” Angel said sheepishly. “And well, things between the English and the Irish haven’t improved much in the intervening years.”
“And that’s my point. You wanted me to accomplish in days what humanity has taken centuries to do,” Connor said, gesturing at his father for emphasis. “I know that isn’t a perfect analogy and the point is, I did try to make the leap.”
“When?” Fred leaned against Gunn, looking at Connor as hostilely as she had the time she wielded the taser on him.
“I tried to. I came back and worked with you to beat the Beast and save Angel, didn’t I?” Connor’s frustration curled through his words like smoke.
“You tried to kill Angel during that,” Gunn reminded him.
The room went silent for a moment, eyes turning to Connor. Buffy’s face went dead white, her eyes hardening. Something indescribable passed over Xander’s face while Faith’s lip curled with disgust.
Spike muttered, “Damn, it didn’t work.”
“He asked me to!” Connor raged, propelling himself off the floor to stalk around the library. He felt as caged as a tiger.
“Oh, like he would,” Fred batted back.
“I did,” Angel broke in gently and all eyes snapped over to him in shock. “I’m sorry, Connor. I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair to put that on your shoulders or at least I should have let everyone know that it was my wishes, not yours. I should have known how it would look. That was terribly short-sighted of me,” Angel said lowly.
“One of many short-sighted moments for all of us. You could have told me what you suspected about Cordelia.” Connor’s gaze cut over to the woman in question.
Cordy’s lips pursed, her eyes narrowing. “What about me?”
“Nothing.” Connor shook his head.
“Cordy, you and I have that school stuff to get to,” Xander said, sensing that this was something that she didn’t need to hear. “For the party. This talk doesn’t really have anything to do with us.”
“I did hear my name.” Cordelia crossed her arms, glaring at them all.
“Cordelia,” Angel said gently. Crossing over to her, he rested a hand on her shoulder. “Xander’s right. This is mostly between my son and me, Fred and Gunn.”
“Fine.” She jumped to her feet, shooting a death glare at him. “But I know you’re just getting rid of me.”
“Sorry, Cordelia,” Connor said softly.
She regarded him closely. “Thank you,” she said then let Xander lead her off.
“You know, they could use some help with the party,” Faith said, grabbing Wes and yanked him toward the door. She snagged Spike on the way. He protested the treatment, far too interested in the drama for his own good. Giles went along without any prompting.
Connor sagged into a chair. “I have to know, Angel, why didn’t you ever let me in on the sting to prove Cordelia was behind what was going wrong? You told everyone but me. So much could have been different.” He rubbed a hand over his stinging eyes, getting a quick rein on his emotions. All would have been different if he hadn’t thought Cordelia was about to be murdered. Maybe Jasmine could have died still born. Maybe Cordelia wouldn’t be as she was today. Maybe he wouldn’t have ended up like this. Maybe they all wouldn’t have such misery in their lives.
“He knew better than to trust you,” Fred said, flinging her long hair back.
“It’s obvious that he didn’t but he didn’t need to trust me. All he had to do was keep me with him or with one of you and say we were looking for the demon and not tell me anything more. I would have believed that and seen with my own eyes what was happening. How hard would that have been? Instead, you let me think you were trying to kill Cordelia and she made sure that I believed it was because of us.” Connor trembled hard, nearly jerking out of the chair. “I didn’t even believe my mother when she came to warn me.”
“What are you talking about?” Buffy asked. She had wisely tried to hang back from the conversation, unsure really what she added to it.
“A woman came to me, petite, blonde, pretty, said she was my mother and for a while, I believed her.” Connor tapped his chest. “I felt it then Cordelia interfered and then…she convinced me that you all hated and feared me so much that you used a spell to impersonate my dead mother…after that things get kinda hazy. I’m not sure if that’s your spell, Angel, or my own screwed up brain. I think those are things I can’t live with remembering clearly.” Connor quaked again.
“Why would you have believed Cordy about that?” Gunn asked, honestly curious.
“Because none of you were honest with me. You automatically assumed I was evil before I was even born,” Connor said, trying to hold back the sudden swell of pain. “You wanted to kill me in the womb.”
“Cordelia told you that?” Angel said so mournfully that it hurt Connor to hear it. He came over to Connor’s chair. “Connor, we had no idea what you would be. We didn’t think that two vampires could create anything good but once we saw the ultrasound and Darla told me about feeling your soul, we didn’t want to hurt you. Did Cordy tell you that, too?
Connor glanced away, cursing under his breath. “No, she made sure to tell me I made Darla invincible. I assumed that was the only reason I was born.”
Angel patted Connor’s shoulder. “That isn’t true.”
Connor shrugged. “Maybe not but how was I to know? No one ever made me feel wanted…well, just a little that summer. I know you and Fred tried, Gunn, but even then I never thought you were comfortable with me.” He tugged at his hair. “You didn’t even know Cordy had gone evil but you automatically assumed that the baby would be evil because of me.”
“We weren’t wrong,” Fred reminded him, her voice so shrill it was like a dentist drill hitting an unanesthetized tooth.
“Maybe not, but at least you could apologize for acting like I was the one who’s a threat to Josh. But you won’t. Truth is, you never liked me much.” Connor knew that wasn’t true. For a time, Fred had seemed to like him a little but he was too angry to acknowledge that at the moment. “Even when you and Gunn were looking out for me, you were afraid. Never once did you even think maybe I was afraid, too,” Connor said, a sudden fragility entering his voice. He felt ashamed of that weakness but maybe they needed to see it.
“Of what?” Gunn asked. “You already knew what demon had gotten hold of Angel. You weren’t worried about it like we were. I suppose your only fear was us finding out.”
“I was trapped in a world I didn’t know with people who purposely took me out of the way so Angel could do whatever he wanted to the only father I had ever known. Did you forget I overheard you two talking? Neither of you had a problem with Angel killing Holtz.” Connor stabbed a finger at them, that buried betrayal raising its ugly head. He felt the pain as fresh as if someone had just drawn a claw across his flesh. “You thought Holtz deserved it. Not many people deserve killing. Maybe he did but I didn’t think so. He was my father in most of the ways that count. How do you think I felt being stuck in a strange world with nothing but the two people who didn’t care if Angelus killed my father? You two terrified me. I was afraid that you’d turn on me next for not being what Angel wanted me to be.” No one said anything, the room so quiet it was impossible to believe it had as many people as it did stuffed into it.
“I never thought of it that way,” Gunn said, shifting uncomfortably. His gaze canted towards his wife but she didn’t mellow the way he had.
“But we didn’t do anything to you,” Fred said, shoving up her glasses irritably.
“No, you took good care of me and I started to trust you. I appreciated it even if I never said so but that didn’t change how I felt,” Connor said, softly. He had been grateful enough for how they helped him adjust. Seeing Fred’s disbelief, he tossed up his hands. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m accomplishing nothing.” He moved toward the door.
“Connor, please,” Angel started but Connor flung up a hand to silence him and was gone before Angel could continue his thought.
Connor didn’t know why he hurt so much but he did. He should have expected it. He thought maybe it would be different now, so many years later, but even Angel didn’t really apologize. Oh, he hadn’t denied his mistakes but he still didn’t apologize for them. Connor hadn’t expected him to. Maybe he should have been the first to offer an apology since he owed many as well. Too late now. He was just so tired of life in general. He wanted to rest, to simply shut his eyes and not open them again.
Tossing himself on his borrowed bed, Connor went limp. Ratter came over to see him. He scratched the cat’s head. “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you, baby.” Connor hunted up some paper and started to write.
X X X
“Guess I’m glad I missed most of the drama,” Dawn said, heading for her second story bedroom with Buffy behind her.
“I feel so sorry for Angel,” Buffy said wearily. “It hurts to see him aching for his son. I wish I knew what to do to help.” She rubbed her arms vigorously.
“Sounds like the real problem is in the past. I’m not sure you can help,” Dawn said, bending down to scoop up some folded paper leaning against her bedroom door. “Hmm, Connor left me a letter.”
“What for?” Buffy peered over Dawn’s shoulder. “I guess he does actually like you.” She nudged Dawn with an elbow.
Dawn bobbed her head. “He trusts me, says so right here.” She tapped the letter. “Thanks me for being nice to him and asks me to watch his cat.”
Buffy’s nose wrinkled. “What’s that all about?”
Dawn rolled her shoulders. “I’m not sure.”
“Sounds almost like goodbye,” Buffy mused then the sisters exchanged horrified glances.
“If he were just leaving, he’d take the cat, right?” Dawn said, already knowing the answer.
They tore through the hotel, calling Connor’s name. His room was empty so Dawn went up to check Buffy and Angel’s penthouse while Buffy went looking for Angel. Willow popped out of her room, startling the Slayer.
“What’s wrong, Buffy?”
“Maybe nothing but Connor left Dawn a very ominous note. I think he might have hurt himself,” Buffy said tightly. Loping towards the railing, she leapt over it.
Willow darted back into her room and grabbed her medical bag before thundering down the steps. She nearly collided with Angel and Buffy as they came out of the library. “Did you find him?” she asked.
“No. Maybe I’m just overreacting,” Buffy said, her face pale. “The letter didn’t say anything bad.”
Angel shook his head, fear etching into his broad features. “Connor loves his grand gestures.”
“Then it’s bad,” Buffy muttered, skidding to a stop near the courtyard doors. She spied a shadow under one of the shade trees. “There!” She didn’t have to say more. It didn’t look good, not unless Connor decided to take a nap under a eucalyptus tree in the full afternoon sun, and she couldn’t imagine that. Angel muscled her aside, racing through the doors. “No! Angel, it’s daylight!”
Her lover didn’t stop. Smoke curled up from his head and shoulders and Buffy lunged after him. He snared Connor’s arm before she caught Angel’s but she was more than capable of dragging them both into the shade of the building. Angel’s knees smacked hard into the ground as he slumped over Connor. The band he’d used to help shoot up dangled loosely in his fingers and Buffy could see the hypodermic lying in the grass.
“He’s not breathing,” Angel said, his voice so tight Buffy could barely hear him.
While she wondered if CPR would work for someone who had poisoned himself to death, Buffy dodged Willow who darted forward with her bag in hand. The red-headed doctor reached for Connor but Angel batted her hand away, nothing but raw grief in his eyes.
“Let me help, Angel,” Willow snapped, opening her bag. She withdrew a syringe and a vial of liquid. “Narcan, this reverses the effected of heroin. I can bring him back.”
Angel let her punch in the medicine and Connor’s body shuddered. He dragged in a ragged breath. He muttered something Buffy couldn’t hear then shut his eyes again. Angel folded him to his chest, rocking his son. Silent tears wended down the vampire’s face, sun-pocked face.
Willow looked up at the Slayer. “Call 911. He’s back but he’s not out of the woods.”
Buffy dialed, thinking they had missed a chance this afternoon to stop this. If Connor didn’t make it, she didn’t think Angel would ever forgive himself.
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