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cornerofmadnessOne Night in Hell
D M Evans
Disclaimer – who would WANT to claim this? All Fullmetal Alchemist characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. All Saiyuki characters belong to All rights belong to Kazuya Minekura et al .I don’t make a profit
Warning – Fullmetal Alchemist/Saiyuki crossover crack fic. This is what happens when you have too many IM conversations and way too much rum.
Pairings – none
Spoilers – none
Summary – two ships meet in an upholstered hell
Author’s Note – the hotel is based on the Gobbler…just look at the links. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the glory of the Gobbler. I used to pass this place all the time (at a much later time period than it’s pictured hey day) Just try not to be drinking when you click…oh and do feel free to explore ALL the Gobbler has to offer…
Author’s Note #2 – I blame![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
evil_little_dog for encouraging me into this madness oh and she beta’ed it, too.
“Is it real?” Al’s eyes would have been enormous had he possessed true eyes.
Whether Jeep was studying the boy as intently as Al was studying the dragon or if Jeep was just admiring his reflection in Al’s surface, Hakkai didn’t know. He was still bewildered by a boy trapped in an armor shell. “He’s real,” Hakkai said and Jeep chirruped.
“May I hold him?” Al queried eagerly and Jeep left Hakkai’s shoulder to roost on Al’s arm.
“He seems to like you,” Hakkai said, wincing as a loud noise erupted from one of the tables in the nearly empty hotel lounge. Goku was busy trying to out-eat a boy with a blond braid. Hakkai wasn’t sure how any of them could eat in a place like this. Something about the hotel made him nervous; probably all the shag carpeting that ran up the walls. Or maybe it was the fuchsia table cloths and lavender leather chairs . Al followed Hakkai’s line of sight and shuddered with a noisy clank. “You’re related to one of them, right?”
“Do I have to say yes?” Al sighed as Ed won a tug of war over a chicken leg with the boy wearing the gold headband. He could see Winry looking on in horror. He figured she was likely to disavow all knowledge of Ed at this point.
Hakkai smiled broadly as Goku tried yanking the leg free of Ed’s teeth. “Not at all.” Hearing Gojyo exclaim loudly, “Hakkai could drink you under the table, no problem!” Hakkai’s shoulders slumped. He wished he didn’t have to claim his own traveling companions, some days. Even Jeep was being bad, playing with the tassel on Alphonse’s helmet.
“I’m not challenging him. I’m challenging you.” The dark haired man stabbed a gloved finger at Gojyo then settled back in his white leather chair at the rotating bar . “Or should I say, you challenged me?”
“And he’s your boss?” Hakkai asked Al dubiously.
Al shook his helmet. “No, Colonel Mustang is Ed’s boss. I’m technically just along for the ride, I guess.” He scratched Jeep between the wings as the dragon nibbled his tassel. “Miss Hawkeye doesn’t look too happy.” He nodded to where Riza stood next to a priest, both of them watching the drinking contest. Both seemed discontented.
“No, she doesn’t.” Hakkai assessed the woman’s expression. “I don’t think this bodes particularly well, Alphonse.”
“Edward, honestly,” Winry sighed loudly as Ed elbowed Goku away from his plate.
“No, sir, I think going back to the rooms might be a good idea.” Al replied in no mood to pick up the pieces, not when he had something as cool as a dragon to play with.
Hakkai thought about his hotel room with its purple carpeting from floor to ceiling and the white velvet bedspread on the big bed. He shivered. “I have to share a hideous purple room with Gojyo. These people had no sense of fashion or color…or maybe it’s color overload.”
Al took in Hakkai’s green tunic and purple sash and held his metaphorical tongue about what the man knew about fashion. Hakkai wasn’t wrong about the hotel, after all. “My room is pink-purple with strange floral bed ruffles. I think Ed almost cried and Brother notices nothing when it comes to this stuff. Still…then I wouldn’t….um is your friend giving my brother and the others alcohol?” Al peered at the bar where Goku and Ed had migrated to now that the food was all gone.
“Well, it would hardly surprise me,” Hakkai said as Sanzo sauntered over with Riza in his wake. “Sanzo, maybe you should pay the tab now.”
The priest shrugged and took a swig out of his beer bottle. “If I drink enough, I’ll forget I’m in a red, red room with a monkey. How did you find this place?”
“By sheer accident,” Hakkai assured him, holding his hands up apologetically. His broad, bright grin could have illuminated the bar.
“Bad luck would have been how I put us finding this hotel,” Riza said with a shake of her head.
“Al, your brother is an idiot,” Winry said, stalking over.
“You already knew that. Don’t look now but the Colonel is giving Ed whiskey.” Al pointed.
“Oh hell,” Winry and Riza said as one.
“Hey, you said you can make fire, right?” Gojyo asked loudly, leaning drunkenly on Roy’s shoulder.
“Control it,” Roy corrected.
“Let’s see it, Flame man. I think you’re full of shit,” Gojyo said and Roy grinned broadly.
“Fire? That would be so cool!” Goku cried, doing a whiskey shooter.
“There’s nothing cool about Colonel Shit,” Ed replied, ripe with drunken bravado.
Sanzo slapped a hand to his face. “The stupidity kills me.”
“Oh, the colonel won’t use his fire here,” Al said, hopefully. The boy didn’t sound certain enough for Hakkai’s comfort.
“I should hope not. All this carpeting…the place would go up like a tinder box,” Hakkai fretted.
“Um, Miss Hawkeye, isn’t that the colonel’s static glove?” Al pointed to where Roy was pressing fingers together.
“Never underestimate how dumb alcohol makes you.” Riza pulled out her gun at the same time Sanzo pulled his. Sanzo put a hole in the leather chair next to Gojyo.
Gojyo and Goku squeaked and slid down to huddle under the bar against the brass rail. Ed and Roy just stared in horror. Winry yelped, covering her ears and Al accidentally squeezed Jeep too hard when the gun went off. Riza and Sanzo exchanged appreciative glances.
“Nice gun,” Riza said.
“I was thinking the same thing,” Sanzo said then held out his weapon to her.
They exchanged guns, examining them appreciatively. Riza nodded back to the chair. “Good bullet placement. Want to go…practice?” She grinned slyly at him.
Sanzo almost smiled. “With this band of morons, we need to keep sharp.”
Riza put his gun in her holster and let him lead her out.
Stunned, Roy watched them go, asking, “Did my Hawkeye just leave me to go with a blond drag queen?”
Gojyo snickered, pushing the whiskey bottle to Goku. “Drag queen.”
“That’s not a dress, it’s a robe,” Hakkai offered helpfully.
“He SHOT at us,” Ed said, his gold eyes wide with disbelief.
Goku shrugged. “Sanzo’s always shooting at us or hitting us with the paper fan. That’s the worse. He always gets you right in the head.”
“A paper fan? I’d kill for a fan. Winry hits me in the head with wrenches!” Ed proclaimed, helping himself to Gojyo’s unattended beer. “This stuff ain’t bad.”
Gojyo grabbed his beer back.
“I’m about to hit you right now, Edward,” Winry sniffed then took a good look at Goku. “Ed, are you sure you’re not related to him? I mean, he has golden eyes, too, and he’s almost as short as you.”
Ed’s fists balled. “WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN’T EVEN MEASURE UP TO A MONKEY!”
“I’m not a monkey!” Goku protested, knocking over Gojyo’s beer. The kappa swore.
“I’m taller than him,” Ed asserted, stabbing a finger at Goku.
“I don’t think so. Stand up, both of you,” Winry directed. “Back to back.”
In fear of wrenches, especially when she started digging in a pocket for one, the boys complied.
“How can you tell? They’re both mostly hair. Mash down Ed’s antennae,” Roy instructed, pantomiming his orders.
“Yeah, he’s got them just like the red cockroach.” Goku laughed.
“Come over here and say that, bean monkey!” Gojyo growled.
“He even has your nickname, Ed. You’re like two beans in a pod.” Winry giggled and Ed glared. “Come on, Al. You and I can find something more interesting than this…stinky mess.” Winry waved at all the cigarette smoke in the air. Mustang had bummed smokes from Gojyo.
“I have a dragon,” Al said, pointing to Jeep. “Mind if he stays with us for a little long, Hakkai, sir?”
Hakkai shook his head. “Jeep will come back on his own. Don’t worry. Enjoy his company.”
“Come on, Winry….is your room purple-pink, too?” Al held out Jeep for her inspection. “It’s a pretty nauseating shade.”
“ Blue, blue and more blue . My bed’s is so weird. Come on, I’ll show you.” Winry linked arms with Al and Jeep’s tail snaked over her shoulders.
“Ha, shortmetal, your brother just snaked your girlfriend.” Roy laughed into his whiskey.
“Yeah well, at least I didn’t lose my girl to a guy in a dress,” Ed shot back and Roy scowled.
“Dare you to say that to Sanzo’s face,” Gojyo said.
Hakkai sighed and sat at the bar. It was time to just give up. “Bartender, do you have any sake?”
D M Evans
Disclaimer – who would WANT to claim this? All Fullmetal Alchemist characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. All Saiyuki characters belong to All rights belong to Kazuya Minekura et al .I don’t make a profit
Warning – Fullmetal Alchemist/Saiyuki crossover crack fic. This is what happens when you have too many IM conversations and way too much rum.
Pairings – none
Spoilers – none
Summary – two ships meet in an upholstered hell
Author’s Note – the hotel is based on the Gobbler…just look at the links. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the glory of the Gobbler. I used to pass this place all the time (at a much later time period than it’s pictured hey day) Just try not to be drinking when you click…oh and do feel free to explore ALL the Gobbler has to offer…
Author’s Note #2 – I blame
evil_little_dog for encouraging me into this madness oh and she beta’ed it, too.“Is it real?” Al’s eyes would have been enormous had he possessed true eyes.
Whether Jeep was studying the boy as intently as Al was studying the dragon or if Jeep was just admiring his reflection in Al’s surface, Hakkai didn’t know. He was still bewildered by a boy trapped in an armor shell. “He’s real,” Hakkai said and Jeep chirruped.
“May I hold him?” Al queried eagerly and Jeep left Hakkai’s shoulder to roost on Al’s arm.
“He seems to like you,” Hakkai said, wincing as a loud noise erupted from one of the tables in the nearly empty hotel lounge. Goku was busy trying to out-eat a boy with a blond braid. Hakkai wasn’t sure how any of them could eat in a place like this. Something about the hotel made him nervous; probably all the shag carpeting that ran up the walls. Or maybe it was the fuchsia table cloths and lavender leather chairs . Al followed Hakkai’s line of sight and shuddered with a noisy clank. “You’re related to one of them, right?”
“Do I have to say yes?” Al sighed as Ed won a tug of war over a chicken leg with the boy wearing the gold headband. He could see Winry looking on in horror. He figured she was likely to disavow all knowledge of Ed at this point.
Hakkai smiled broadly as Goku tried yanking the leg free of Ed’s teeth. “Not at all.” Hearing Gojyo exclaim loudly, “Hakkai could drink you under the table, no problem!” Hakkai’s shoulders slumped. He wished he didn’t have to claim his own traveling companions, some days. Even Jeep was being bad, playing with the tassel on Alphonse’s helmet.
“I’m not challenging him. I’m challenging you.” The dark haired man stabbed a gloved finger at Gojyo then settled back in his white leather chair at the rotating bar . “Or should I say, you challenged me?”
“And he’s your boss?” Hakkai asked Al dubiously.
Al shook his helmet. “No, Colonel Mustang is Ed’s boss. I’m technically just along for the ride, I guess.” He scratched Jeep between the wings as the dragon nibbled his tassel. “Miss Hawkeye doesn’t look too happy.” He nodded to where Riza stood next to a priest, both of them watching the drinking contest. Both seemed discontented.
“No, she doesn’t.” Hakkai assessed the woman’s expression. “I don’t think this bodes particularly well, Alphonse.”
“Edward, honestly,” Winry sighed loudly as Ed elbowed Goku away from his plate.
“No, sir, I think going back to the rooms might be a good idea.” Al replied in no mood to pick up the pieces, not when he had something as cool as a dragon to play with.
Hakkai thought about his hotel room with its purple carpeting from floor to ceiling and the white velvet bedspread on the big bed. He shivered. “I have to share a hideous purple room with Gojyo. These people had no sense of fashion or color…or maybe it’s color overload.”
Al took in Hakkai’s green tunic and purple sash and held his metaphorical tongue about what the man knew about fashion. Hakkai wasn’t wrong about the hotel, after all. “My room is pink-purple with strange floral bed ruffles. I think Ed almost cried and Brother notices nothing when it comes to this stuff. Still…then I wouldn’t….um is your friend giving my brother and the others alcohol?” Al peered at the bar where Goku and Ed had migrated to now that the food was all gone.
“Well, it would hardly surprise me,” Hakkai said as Sanzo sauntered over with Riza in his wake. “Sanzo, maybe you should pay the tab now.”
The priest shrugged and took a swig out of his beer bottle. “If I drink enough, I’ll forget I’m in a red, red room with a monkey. How did you find this place?”
“By sheer accident,” Hakkai assured him, holding his hands up apologetically. His broad, bright grin could have illuminated the bar.
“Bad luck would have been how I put us finding this hotel,” Riza said with a shake of her head.
“Al, your brother is an idiot,” Winry said, stalking over.
“You already knew that. Don’t look now but the Colonel is giving Ed whiskey.” Al pointed.
“Oh hell,” Winry and Riza said as one.
“Hey, you said you can make fire, right?” Gojyo asked loudly, leaning drunkenly on Roy’s shoulder.
“Control it,” Roy corrected.
“Let’s see it, Flame man. I think you’re full of shit,” Gojyo said and Roy grinned broadly.
“Fire? That would be so cool!” Goku cried, doing a whiskey shooter.
“There’s nothing cool about Colonel Shit,” Ed replied, ripe with drunken bravado.
Sanzo slapped a hand to his face. “The stupidity kills me.”
“Oh, the colonel won’t use his fire here,” Al said, hopefully. The boy didn’t sound certain enough for Hakkai’s comfort.
“I should hope not. All this carpeting…the place would go up like a tinder box,” Hakkai fretted.
“Um, Miss Hawkeye, isn’t that the colonel’s static glove?” Al pointed to where Roy was pressing fingers together.
“Never underestimate how dumb alcohol makes you.” Riza pulled out her gun at the same time Sanzo pulled his. Sanzo put a hole in the leather chair next to Gojyo.
Gojyo and Goku squeaked and slid down to huddle under the bar against the brass rail. Ed and Roy just stared in horror. Winry yelped, covering her ears and Al accidentally squeezed Jeep too hard when the gun went off. Riza and Sanzo exchanged appreciative glances.
“Nice gun,” Riza said.
“I was thinking the same thing,” Sanzo said then held out his weapon to her.
They exchanged guns, examining them appreciatively. Riza nodded back to the chair. “Good bullet placement. Want to go…practice?” She grinned slyly at him.
Sanzo almost smiled. “With this band of morons, we need to keep sharp.”
Riza put his gun in her holster and let him lead her out.
Stunned, Roy watched them go, asking, “Did my Hawkeye just leave me to go with a blond drag queen?”
Gojyo snickered, pushing the whiskey bottle to Goku. “Drag queen.”
“That’s not a dress, it’s a robe,” Hakkai offered helpfully.
“He SHOT at us,” Ed said, his gold eyes wide with disbelief.
Goku shrugged. “Sanzo’s always shooting at us or hitting us with the paper fan. That’s the worse. He always gets you right in the head.”
“A paper fan? I’d kill for a fan. Winry hits me in the head with wrenches!” Ed proclaimed, helping himself to Gojyo’s unattended beer. “This stuff ain’t bad.”
Gojyo grabbed his beer back.
“I’m about to hit you right now, Edward,” Winry sniffed then took a good look at Goku. “Ed, are you sure you’re not related to him? I mean, he has golden eyes, too, and he’s almost as short as you.”
Ed’s fists balled. “WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN’T EVEN MEASURE UP TO A MONKEY!”
“I’m not a monkey!” Goku protested, knocking over Gojyo’s beer. The kappa swore.
“I’m taller than him,” Ed asserted, stabbing a finger at Goku.
“I don’t think so. Stand up, both of you,” Winry directed. “Back to back.”
In fear of wrenches, especially when she started digging in a pocket for one, the boys complied.
“How can you tell? They’re both mostly hair. Mash down Ed’s antennae,” Roy instructed, pantomiming his orders.
“Yeah, he’s got them just like the red cockroach.” Goku laughed.
“Come over here and say that, bean monkey!” Gojyo growled.
“He even has your nickname, Ed. You’re like two beans in a pod.” Winry giggled and Ed glared. “Come on, Al. You and I can find something more interesting than this…stinky mess.” Winry waved at all the cigarette smoke in the air. Mustang had bummed smokes from Gojyo.
“I have a dragon,” Al said, pointing to Jeep. “Mind if he stays with us for a little long, Hakkai, sir?”
Hakkai shook his head. “Jeep will come back on his own. Don’t worry. Enjoy his company.”
“Come on, Winry….is your room purple-pink, too?” Al held out Jeep for her inspection. “It’s a pretty nauseating shade.”
“ Blue, blue and more blue . My bed’s is so weird. Come on, I’ll show you.” Winry linked arms with Al and Jeep’s tail snaked over her shoulders.
“Ha, shortmetal, your brother just snaked your girlfriend.” Roy laughed into his whiskey.
“Yeah well, at least I didn’t lose my girl to a guy in a dress,” Ed shot back and Roy scowled.
“Dare you to say that to Sanzo’s face,” Gojyo said.
Hakkai sighed and sat at the bar. It was time to just give up. “Bartender, do you have any sake?”
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:07 am (UTC)And still laughing over this.
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 02:21 am (UTC)*dies laughing*
*stares in horror at the rooms*
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:28 am (UTC)glad you got a giggle
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:29 am (UTC)And now I want someone to write Riza/Sanzo. Look what you've done!
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:37 am (UTC)I just want a time machine and go book a room when it was in its heyday. I only saw it rundown and I never did go inside.
Riza/Sanzo would be so...i don't even know what. Roy would just be telling all the boys back home Riza was dating a tranny
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:00 am (UTC)My room wouldn't - unless he was very, very, very, drunk, at which point, phrases like "she picked a guy in a dress over me." would feature prominately.
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:07 am (UTC)And yes a Roy drunk and sobbing would be very amusing and sad at the same time
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:13 am (UTC)This makes the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, California, look TASTEFUL. (Almost.)
There are some locales that just scream to be immortalized in fic, aren't there? Glad you brought the crack.
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:16 am (UTC)Glad you liked the crack
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:20 am (UTC)Some characters scream the same thing too. ;)
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-05-18 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 07:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 08:05 am (UTC)Poor Hakkai though. Poor, poor Hakkai.
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Date: 2007-05-18 08:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 11:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 12:58 pm (UTC)Also? Riza/Sanzo? Sanzo's never been so pwned. (I think Riza/Hakkai would be pretty hot, myself.)
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:14 pm (UTC)As for Sanzo, yeah he's probably found a girl would could interest him (and yes she's probably push Hakkai around like he wants. We know Roy enjoys it)
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Date: 2007-05-18 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 03:17 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-05-18 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-18 09:03 pm (UTC)Though I have to say, sticking Hughes in the story would've been cool. I can just see him and Hakkai talking. Hughes going on about his daughter and his photo fetish and Hakkai nodding politely looking for an escape route ^_^
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Date: 2007-05-19 02:49 am (UTC)And darn, how could I forget Hughes? Poor Hakkai, there's not enough sake in the world...
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Date: 2007-05-21 05:32 pm (UTC)Baaah I want to read a RoyxGojyo fic now :P
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Date: 2007-05-21 06:37 pm (UTC)Gojyo/Roy, Riza/Sanzo, this little piece of crack has a lot of people looking for some interesting ships
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Date: 2007-06-03 10:54 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing :D more reading afterwards :D
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Date: 2007-06-03 01:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 04:42 am (UTC)Grandpa knew the people who developed that and had worked with them and the architect with the Chamber of Commerce quite a few times. Grandpa was in real estate. In it's heyday? It was very forward thinking and chic/de mode. The architect who did the Gobbler also designed "The Fireside" which also has a "in the round/grotto style" bar.
Pretty amazing for towns that have fewer than 12k people in them each.
I loved this, but MEIN GOTT my childhood! (Heh... Jefferson, the Gemuetlichkeit City!)
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Date: 2009-01-22 04:50 am (UTC)