The Annual Beginning of the Year Emo post

[cornerofmadness]

so feel free to hurry on past.



I've been sick off and on from Dec. 23rd and I'm fairly tired of that, as you might imagine. And my pain syndrome has gotten significantly worse. But that's all stuff I can handle...only I'm not handling it well. I've been highly impatient, short tempered and very irritable.

Part of it is the annual let's threaten Dana tactics of the student loans but luckily so far this year there haven't been THAT many calls. Letters are another story but at least I'm not jumping with every phone call and I DID manage to get my deferment without the usual trauma. Still, of course, all this crushing debt kicks off the 'why did I go to medical school and/or why did this happen to me pity party' Still, it's not been that bad this year.

So why am I like a pressure cooker without a release valve right now?

Not sure but it probably has to do with all this plus the whole not sleeping thing. Last week it was just 'not sleeping' with the grinding of teeth and clenching of fist.' This week it has evolved into too keyed up and pissed off at the world to even attempt sleep with even MORE grinding and clenching. so much so my jaw aches and the nerve damaged hand is almost useless today from the tingling and pain.

Normally I would say 'take a step back.' But half of what is driving me crazy are things I can't step back from. The health, the money issues, forget it. THey're real and I can't pretend otherwise. Work, these three new classes, they're probably my primary stressor but I can't step back from them. Ditto the job hunt and all the uncertainity.

I have taken a step back from other things but this is leading to withdrawing from friends, games and my writing. I havent' done a word on my challenge in three days. THis is not usual for me. I usually write more when stressed. This is like the calm before a really bad storm.

So I apologize now if I get entirely bitchy in the near future. I don't want to but I feel it building and haven't found a way to destress. Even going to Columbus last weekend to kick around didn't help. Just left me feeling guilty about work left undone.

One thing I am doing that's helping some is I've begun to study reiki and bioenergy fields and Kuan Yin meditations. Oddly that latter is working for me. I find it curious in years of asking saints for help I've felt nothing but empty but in four days of a borrowed belief that I've come to on my own I'm seeing results. Mostly I've been working on lowering my blood sugar and in four days it's dropped 40 points. Now I'm more inclined to blame biofeedback than divine intervention but it's curious and I'm not arguing with it.


Now if I could just kick the depression. Tired of going to bed and bursting into tears for no reason. Today at work, they noticed I wasn't feeling well. I don't like that.

Comments

[kashicat.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I wish so much that I could help in some way.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

meh, got words of wisdom. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

[rahirah]

From what I've heard, the physical and mental states you can achieve with meditation are beneficial even if you do it without believing in anything in particular. So here's hoping it keeps working for you.

[mjules.livejournal.com]

*pets* I could tell you were sounding stressed lately. It sounds like it's a bad (couple of) month(s) for almost everyone I know. I know it's been killing me.

I'm glad the meditation has been dropping your blood sugar. *nods* I hope it keeps working for you!

[ladystarlightsj.livejournal.com]

*pets you*

I'm glad the meditation is working for you. I'll think good thoughts for you.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Same here. I swear, just about everyone I know has a little black cloud hanging over them.

[makd.livejournal.com]

Ah,Dana; that's terrible. I hope you're sleeping better very soon.

(By the way, I have had insomnia for the last 12 years, still - exercise does help me sleep, especially if I walk for 1/2 hour in the daytime, and do yoga-type stretching about an hour or so before bed.)

Good luck.

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's my black cloud that I cast off at the end of 2007 when I said NO more BS World!! heh... Just cast it over to someone more deserving.

[rain-oubliette.livejournal.com]

I'd offer advice or something motivational but you're past that. So, *HUGS*. When I win the lottery, I'll pay your student loans off. heh

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Oh hon, be as bitchy as you want around here. That's what we're here for. I just can't beleive you haven't tried to murder someone before now because I would have.

I'm glad the meditation techniques are helping, I just wish I could offer some advice regarding everything that you're dealing with.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. Actually just me getting it out there helps me a lot. Like free group therapy

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

that's what all the books say and I believe that. Thanks. My biggest problem is visualization (sad to say in someone who considers herself a writer) my poor Kuan Yin looks like a blob

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

it's just been rotten and I've been utterly pissy.

I wanted to go find the pictures of my back yard in WI after you were talking about the forest

[mulzrule.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon. If the meditation is helping, I'd suggest yoga. Other people I know have tried and have raved about how calming it is. If I had the cash, I'd be in. *sigh*

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. I appreciate it

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i get like this every january to be honest

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

exercise is good for just about everything. I was inquiring what was at our gym today. I NEED to do that.
thanks

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i have a few in mind

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

THAT i could use. thanks

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

just me blowing off steam helps. Like I said to others, fre group therapy.

and with a temper as bad as mine...i think if I didn't kill fictional characters there woudl be real hell to pay

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i do yoga at home. some days it helps. Some days I just maim myself. Either way I like it

thanks

[anat-astarte.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I am glad you are involved in reiki, meditation, yoga and exercise. These work great for me when I am feeling this way too. I also recommend getting good massages, a pair of good healing hands can do wonders as well :)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i have my massage therapist's card sitting out as it so happens

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Good for you. Now if I can figure out how to get it out of... mainly the lives of my friends... that would be nice.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. If you go back and look at every Jan/Feb in my journal it's same thing. Sigh.

and yes, even when I practiced medicine I was interested in alternative medicines

[mulzrule.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could do it at home without supervision. I WOULD maim myself. I've so gotta try it.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Maiming is easily done.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

that should have been, got no words of wisdom. *facepalm*

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i assumed. posted up more manga reviews because this is what I do with my non-life

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

i don't have a life either. i noticed the manga reviews. i didn't have anything to say because i've never read those particular ones.

i have a shitload of manga i should read and review this weekend.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

You would really like D Grayman I think. It's creepy and has hot men and the women are...realistic, strong and yet not at times. I could be related to Miranda (which...really isn't a good thing)

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

good luck

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

I'll take it.