not even sure how to put this into words

First off though, happy birthday to my uncle. We went to his place tonight for cake (okay he lives across the street but still)

As for the rest, today is the ten year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my medical career. It was the day when a patient kicked me and ruptured the nerve in my hand. To celebrate, all this week my wrist as swollen as it was that day (mostly from heat and overuse this week). The pins and needles is from finger tips to elbow and it just plain hurts. Sometimes so excuriatingly that I have to stop and just massage it out. A lump is growing in the area and like I said before I'll have to work out how to get it looked at.

Ten years...I can not believe it's been that long. It's unreal. I don't know how a decade has passed. Most of my 30's were dominated by this injury and the hardship that came after it, the loss of a career I worked so hard to achieve, the worries over will I get out of my tail insurance for malpractice (i did), could I sue (apparently not), would the workman's comp and lawsuit pay off my medical school loan? The answer was not only no but we're going to lie cheat and steal and screw you out of paying for school like we were supposed to and not give you the voice activated software or ANYTHING they were supposed to do for my disability.

There were of course bright spots. evil_little_dog let me rent a room from her because without it, going to grad school in Florida would have been impossible because of the cost of living in that state. I wanted to go there since I wanted to go into forensic science and it was one of the few places that had it. My hand never recovered enough and I ended up in teaching.

At the time (and even today for the most part) I didn't want to be in the medical field if I could no longer be the doctor. I should have probably retrained to be a Physician's assistant because i NEED the bigger income to handle my loans and still allow me to live. Ego stopped me as did the fact I know the kind of shit PA's go through. Do I regret not doing that? Depends on the day.

Ten years...spent retraining and regaining so much lost ground. I should have enjoyed my 30's so much more than I did.

Today I passed on going home. I didn't want to be alone in the car with my thoughts. Instead Mom and I went shopping. I turned in a box of my books to halfprice bookstore and spent more on new books than I earned. I ate good Chinese food and drank Amaretto sours.

Am I still sad and angry over this? Yes. Have I coped? I'd like to think so. I can't change what happened so I endure and adapt. But that doesn't mean I'm immune to the 'what could have beens."

I Might Not Be Around

I'm driving home tomorrow.

I tried using my Verizon broadband all over this area to prove it's shit. Well, this week it stopped working entirely. can't even start the freaking thing up.

I could have called Verizon from here but it might be the netbook since it worked fine until I updated the vz access manager (i.e. the software for this PoS) So I'm waiting until I get home before I call them. It might be the netbook's software or it might be Verizon (who keeps insisting I didn't pay them when I did and can prove it) or the broadband might be broken.

If it's the latter, I might be offline for days. So....