I could use some help

[cornerofmadness]

Well a lot of it. My furnace died so it'll be fun times when I get home.

But what I need from you is some input on this book pitch. Let me know honestly what you think of it since I want to try pitch madness tomorrow on twitter.

THANKS

Held emotionally captive by his abusive guardians, Killian knows he'll only survive so long as his prophecies serve them. Instead, he intends to use his abilities against them to save his new friends who have supernatural secrets of their own.

or there's this one for the same story

Newly arrived in Wisconsin from Ireland, sixteen year old Killian encounters something he never prophecized, something his guardians would never want for him. He's made some friends but can he keep them alive especially when they're keeping secrets from him?

Comments

[enemytosleep]

For me I have been very on the Redemption Arc train lately and am less keen on abuse and capture, but prophecies do sound fun. So like, what is this culture that is so oppressive and reliant on mysticism? How might a member feel about their individual actions in this society once introduced to an outside POV? Is there a path to betterment? This is just me and what stories I’ve been vibing with lately.

[cornerofmadness]

Thanks. Honestly this is hard to do in the length of a tweet. I just added a second option based on your comments. this is earth year 2000 (just because that's when I lived in Madison WI and many of the things in the story don't exist and smartphones made the story hard....

[enemytosleep]

Maybe swap guardians for keepers? To imply more of the captive nature of his situation? there definitely are two tensions in that summary where I am curious and want to know what exactly Killian is navigating.

[cornerofmadness]

Thanks again. He's not really captive which is part of the problem. He's there because he's too afraid of his guardians to leave but I don't know how to communicate that 280 characters

[sylvanwitch]

I like the first one better--it seems more suspenseful and intriguing to me. The only thing I'm not sure about is the phrasing of "emotionally captive." I'm assuming you mean that he's not physically restrained but kept captive to them by emotional manipulation/abuse?

[cornerofmadness]

THanks. I appreciate it. Yes that's what I meant. It's very hard to do this in the length of a tweet

[alexcat]

The second one entices me to want to read it more than the first, but I can't explain why. I just like it better.

[cornerofmadness]

thanks so much. That one does seem more popular

[nafs]

Also chiming in to say I like the second one better. It sets up action while leaving a lot of things for the reader to want to find out, it draws me in more. I realize you want to be descriptive when you're pitching so ymmv.

I like the suggestion of "keepers" instead of "guardians", too. It implies something more negative than the relatively neutral "guardians" without you needing to use too many words of your whatever the Twitter word limit is these days.

I suggest changing "He's made some friends but can he keep them alive especially when they're keeping secrets from him?" a little to pull in more from the first pitch: "His new friends have some experience with the supernatural, but they're keeping secrets. Can he keep them alive?"

My reaction to "prophecized" is that it should be "prophesied" but Google is suggesting it's either regional or I'm old, possibly both. Good luck!

[cornerofmadness]

Oooo I love your suggestions. I appreciate it so much. Thank you!

Hmmm you know I'm not sure which is right either prophecized or prophesied though this blog likes the other spelling.

THanks again

[enemytosleep]

Seconding these edits!

[cornerofmadness]

Thanks! I think they're excellent suggestions