I can't stop crying

[cornerofmadness]

Today is hard. I didn't sleep much. Had mild panic attacks over nothing all night so that left me drained.

So all day I kept breaking into tears. I just can't handle the pain. It feels the same as it did the moment I woke up post operatively. Yes it's less swollen. Yes it healed beautifully skin wise (minus that one pin hole) but I feel like I will never get better. I'm drowning in that feeling.

Not even work is distracting me. I've kept this Prodigal Son gif up so I have something soft and warm to look at.

I'm doing my exercises. I'm not giving up. I met with OT today but she agreed she's not needed, I can do all the stuff myself except getting into the shower but that's because of how my parents' shower/tubs are.

I do have good things of course like the journal and stickers from Spikedluv, the kawaii coloring book and snacks from Kiramaru.

Sorry this is so depressing

Comments

[enemytosleep]

I don't know if this helps to hear, but I have had a lot of these same struggles with my foot re: the pain and feeling like I'll never get back to an acceptable (to me) point. It has gotten better in time: both the pain and the mental swamp. It definitely took at least a full year, though. It wasn't an easy process at all, even if my initial PT ended a few months after the injury (and so meant I could walk and complete household tasks well enough without aid). I also know how hurtful and difficult the "hang in there" and "you can do it" cheers felt, so I'll try to hold off as much as the friend in me wants to DO something to make it better.

[cornerofmadness]

I appreciate it. I really do (I even appreciate the cheers because I know people want to help and really can't.)

You've been here with your foot, with a lot to lose, all those things you enjoyed. It's so very hard trying to get back to 'normal.' It feels like I will never get there. That might not be true. But it also might and that's the scary part. All I can do is keep trying.

[rahirah]

:hugs: Wish we could be there to distract you. :(

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you. I would like that.

[manicule]

No need to apologize because your emotions and experience are valid. Sometimes you need to grieve over the effects of pain. So exhausting and mentally distracting, not to mention so isolating. You do what you need to process those emotions.

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you. I appreciate that so much. Sometimes I feel like this is nothing but endless misery that I'm inflicting on others. I appreciate that people are understanding

[the_siobhan]

You are going through a lot. Of course it's hard and depressing right now. It won't be that way forever, but it's that way now.

I am very much not a believer in putting a shiny face on things just to make other people feel better. Your feelings about what you are going through are entirely legitimate.

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you very much. I truly appreciate the thought

[alexcat]

I'm with them.

I really do want to read your updates. I can't fix anything but I send good thoughts every day and hope for the best for you every day.

[cornerofmadness]

I appreciate that so much

[trobadora]

*HUGS*

[cornerofmadness]

thank you

[badly_knitted]

*sending ALL the hugs*

Wish I could magic the pain away.

[cornerofmadness]

thanks so much. Boy so do I

[sperrywink]

You still have all my sympathy and well wishes. Not sleeping and pain are the 2 worst combinations for tears, I find. And given your levels of pain, I totally get being teary.

Good luck with your recovery. I hope it gets easier as time goes by.

[cornerofmadness]

thanks so much. Yes the not sleeping is killing me.

Oh, Sweetie HUG HUG HUG

[dauntless_heart]

This will get better. IT WILL. It's just been so very long and you're so very tired and in pain. Just a little while longer and the world will look brighter. Love you, Dana. :*

Re: Oh, Sweetie HUG HUG HUG

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you so very much. It is so long and I have so much more to go

Re: Oh, Sweetie HUG HUG HUG

[dauntless_heart]

I so wish I could be there to hug you in person! We MUST meet when this is over.

Re: Oh, Sweetie HUG HUG HUG

[cornerofmadness]

that would be nice. The irony is I was supposed to be in the SW this month actually. that convention was canceled anyhow but I was supposed to be there

[thenewbuzwuzz]

*hugs* What kinds of stickers did you get?

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you

All different kinds. THey're in a box across the room at the moment so I don't remember them all

[spikedluv]

*hugs* I'm so sorry! I wish I could take the pain away. I'm glad you're not giving up! I'm glad you like the journal and stickers. How long will you be staying at your parents' house, and is there anything specifically that might cheer you up to receive in the mail?

[cornerofmadness]

thank you for the thoughts. I'm trying but it is so very hard.

I can't think of anything off the top of my head but I appreciate it

[dhampyresa]

*hugs*

[cornerofmadness]

thanks