Writerly Ways

[cornerofmadness]

This week has me thinking about the shape of grief and writing it. Of course grief is different for everyone and that's one of the things we have to remember. Cop shows love to make a huge deal out of people being unemotional being guilty of murder. Women weep uncontrollably. etc etc. This takes me to one of the more contentious (and it was very mild at that) critique with someone in my writers group (it still could use new blood if you're interested) He was adamant 'men don't cry' and was very upset that I had a male character crying.

Now he was as old as me within five years (and is gone now) so I don't doubt he grew up with that drummed into him. I assigned him the task of watching some true crime show I liked at the time. Those detectives often went misty eyed and that was over someone they didn't really know. Look, men do cry. He never was convinced.

In showing grief on the page can be whatever you want. My brother cried far harder than me. Others laughed inappropriately. Some couldn't be in the viewing room. Others kept insanely busy (me) Others got nasty and lashed out. It's all manifestations of grief and it comes in and out like the tides. It's hot. It's like ice inside you. It's very hard to capture on the page.

There will always be someone who says you're doing it wrong. We can't always worried about that.



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Comments

[under_the_silk_tree]

I'm sorry about your uncle.

You are right everyone responds to grief differently even within my own family we have all of the examples that you mentioned.

[cornerofmadness]

Thank you very much.

Exactly, people are different with different ways of showing things

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> He was adamant 'men don't cry' and was very upset that I had a male character crying. <<

I've heard the same thing from multiple people. My current audience is okay with it, which is good, because I write a lot of crying men, partly because some of my characters are very in tune with their feelings and partly because I consider it a valid expression of manhood. But a lot of people, of various ages and cultures, are really uncomfortable with crying men. Also with men being vulnerable in general, or nurturing parents, or various other things. *shrug* Not my problem. Don't like, don't read. I just wanted you to know it's not rare for someone to freak over that.

>> It's very hard to capture on the page. <<

I like to show a wide variety of how people express and deal with grief. Usually it's clear from the character how they will handle it.

>> There will always be someone who says you're doing it wrong. We can't always worried about that.<<

Yep. You can't please everyone; you are not a jar of Nutella. I figure if people can't provide concrete evidence, just ignore their opinions. I've seen plenty of men cry, so if someone says they don't, I know their experience is less than mine and just ignore it.

Re: Thoughts

[cornerofmadness]

Yes I've had others with that belief but they tended to be older and I ignored it. You and I have similar audiences who tend to be more welcoming of men having full ranges of emotions (thankfully) about the only time it bugs me is if I see someone one starring a review over it but eh, you can't do anything about it so let it go.

I love the comment you're not a jar of nutella. That is great. And accurate. I've seen a lot of authors over the years who REALLY worry about pleasing everyone and I'm like you have set yourself an impossible goal. I tell them just think about a tv show/book/movie you love and then go look at the reviews. You're going to find one stars. Someone is going to hate something you love. Differing tastes.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Yes I've had others with that belief but they tended to be older and I ignored it.<<

I think it's more common in older people, but I wouldn't call it rare in younger ones.

>> You and I have similar audiences who tend to be more welcoming of men having full ranges of emotions (thankfully)<<

Sooth. I love my audience.

>> about the only time it bugs me is if I see someone one starring a review over it but eh, you can't do anything about it so let it go.<<

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If they list a reason, you know which ones to ignore -- or even follow because you like the things they don't.

>> I love the comment you're not a jar of nutella. That is great. And accurate. <<

:D

>> I've seen a lot of authors over the years who REALLY worry about pleasing everyone and I'm like you have set yourself an impossible goal. I tell them just think about a tv show/book/movie you love and then go look at the reviews. You're going to find one stars. Someone is going to hate something you love. Differing tastes.<<

Yep. That's why censorship is so dangerous. Everyone thinks, well, they'll just take out the 5-10% of stuff that's bad. But nobody can ever agree on which ones to take out, so a "harmonized" library is mostly empty.

If you want to please people, don't be a writer. It's a better job for ornery people who like rocking the boat just to see the waves wink in the sun.

Re: Thoughts

[cornerofmadness]

100% agree about the censorship issue

and for the better qualifications for authors. people pleasing isn't a great one for authors

[falkner]

My mother always held a bizarre deep hatred for men who cried, to the point she made fun of her partners if they got too emotional. "Men shouldn't cry" isn't her oddest belief by a long mile, but it's one of those that stuck with me for how extreme her reaction to it always was.

[cornerofmadness]

That speaks to something deep in her past I would guess. It's a shame really that generations have this toxic b.s. hammered home. I'm glad that my family didn't do that (no it's more body shaming around here)

[lagertha_the_warrior]

I don't know how someone in a writer's group could be so out of touch. I guess it's more of a bias, but still. Such a narrow way to view things.

[cornerofmadness]

I know. You'd think they'd be more open (then we have pro best sellers opening THEIR mouths and you're like OMFG.) I had a couple others who were older than me with that belief too but that was more of a 'eh boomers' shoulder shrug and I ignored them

[lagertha_the_warrior]

Wow, I guess people are still gonna be people no matter the profession.

[cornerofmadness]

pretty much