Too much to do
Dec. 12th, 2025 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessI had such high expectations of getting the cards out, the gifts, grading all the things etc. etc. I should have realized it was no attainable.
I need to keep better records over the year as I tend to buy gifts at cons and festivals and now there is way too much and I got so flustered I left my house to reset at the coffee shop. The post office was fucking nuts because they have ONE person worker (and he's explaining how he is the only one because of the stupid) There is another woman but all she did was ask are you picking up or dropping off. No idea why she couldn't work the other register.
Also a monster storm is coming so like everyone else I go to the store. I get a rotissiere chicken because if I DO lose power I have a whole chicken to pick at in the cold. (bread and peanut butter too) CVS and the dollar store was just as bad and then the bank tells me they no longer have a coin counter. What am I going to do with all these coins? Sigh.
It took until 7 pm to get all the grades done except my two research students (tomorrow's worry) I am fielding are you going to round that up? Yes I am but your 70.2 isn't rounding to a fucking 73%. Sorry, you didn't do nearly well enough to pass.
I also managed to aspirate my lunch and have been coughing up crap off and on for hours since my lungs are pissed at me.
I did however managed to avoid spoilers for The Amazing Digital Circus's episode 7 drop and got to see the episode. More about that maybe on Tuesday.
And I did some writing.
Title: Forget Our Memories, Forget Our Possibilities
Summary: Angel knows he had no choice but to return to Valentino. It was the only way to keep his friends safe from him. He wants them to forget him but he can’t forget them. He writes letters as often as he can. Will he one day be brave enough to send them?
Rating: teen
Notes: written for the allbingo prompt of love letters and the lyrical titles bingo prompt of Lyric with "remember" or "forget". I chose Don’t Stay by Linkin Park.
Dear Husk,
I’m sorry for everything. I want to come home but you’d only be in danger. I mean, you saw what Val made me do to Cherri. I choked her, would have crushed her throat if you hadn’t hit me. You fought for me. I barely remember it. I was so out of my head but I’ve been listening to Val and Velvette talking about it all the time for the last week. You fucking fought for me. You blasted Valentino straight out of the penthouse. I wish I knew you could do that. I wish I could remember it clearly. Maybe the image of you in battle would have given me strength to carry on.
Because I have nothing. I’m done for, Husk. There’s nothing left in me but shame and sorrow. Dummy me had started to believe in Charlie’s plans. I thought if Penny made it to heaven, knowing what a tool he was sometimes, then maybe I had a chance. You thought so too. Maybe we’re all idiots. I wanted it too much. I wanted to see Molly again. I’m such a fool.
I’m sorry. I betrayed everyone. I meant it. Forget me. I have never been worth the trouble I cause.
Please, forget me.
Angel
p.s. Don’t forget me. I’d die more if you did.
Angel stared at his idiotic letter with his flowery handwriting. God, how much had his father hated his penmanship? The day he came home from school when he was a kid with a paper saying ‘beautiful penmanship’ written on it by the teacher he’d been so proud. It had hung in the school hallway as a good example for a week before he got to take it home. He’d waved it in his brother’s face until Giovanni punched him in the shoulder. Molly had one with her own praise on it. Henroin had taken one look of the proudly presented paper and he’d slapped Angel off his feet for writing ‘like a girl’ and tore the paper into confetti.
Tears stung Angel’s eyes. How could that memory still have the power to hurt him after all this time? Because even then you knew you were worthless. With a soft sigh, he hid the letter in the false bottom of his work kit, stacking used lube bottles on top of the false bottom once the letter was hidden. Valentino shouldn’t be digging in there. Angel looked out the window toward the general direction of the hotel and his heart tore more.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I miss you every day. More than I can say. I just know you’re taking good care of Fat Nuggets for me. I feel terrible for leaving him like that but I’m a horrible person. He deserves better. You and Cherri deserve better. I hope she’s not too sad. First she loses Pentious and now me but it’s better this way. Cauterize the wound and let it scar over. I’ll only bring you both pain.
It’s weird here. I wish I could tell you all about it in person. It’s been two weeks now and Valentino and Velvette still haven’t forgiven Vox. I mean, they shouldn’t. He fucked them over. He nearly destroyed all of hell and heaven so he could rule over the embers. Ha, that’s almost poetic. Will you listen to me? I’m turning into Shakespeare here. Can I tell you something? I preferred Agatha Christie to Shakespeare or at least Molly did and I would sneak her books. Henroin thought book reading made you weak. He’d kick my ass for letter writing too. Usually, I’m a texting kind of guy but sometimes I remember the old ways fondly. Besides, Valentino looks at my phone on the daily.
Anyhow, Valentino has Vox’s head in his bedroom. I’m in his bedroom full time right now, probably shouldn’t tell you that but I thought if anyone would understand and forgive me, it’d be you. I’m there to piss off Vox but man, it’s weird having Vox’s head in there giving running commentary like it’s a baseball game. But that might be better than the times when he begs. I almost feel sorry for him and hate myself more for feeling it. I’d drag his head back to his body so he can respawn completely if I didn’t know Val would pull my head off if I dared.
What I wouldn’t give for my own bed in my own room in the hotel, a little space for me alone. I miss that. I miss you. I’ve seen the news. Lots of people are there now, huh? I bet my room is long gone. Just as well. You’re all better off forgetting me. I’m just a piece of Val’s property, the one that has to pretend I care that he’s sad over Vox because the fucker really does care for Vox. He cares about him like I thought he did me when I signed away my soul. Henroin and Arackniss were right. I’ve always been a dummy.
You’re the only one who ever thought I had a brain. Forget me, Husk. I’ll only fail you, like I’ve failed everyone my whole life.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. Please don’t. I love you.
I love you? He hated himself for scrawling that. He didn’t love Husk because he couldn’t love Husk. If he loved him then all this would hurt that much more. Angel slipped the letter in with the others in their hiding spot and found his syringe. He needed to forget…everything.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I said I love you for the first time last letter. I shouldn’t have done that. How can I know if I truly love you? How do I know I was ever your friend? The only person I’m sure I’m friends with is Cherri because she was my bestie before the hotel, before Vox got into my head. Was I your friend? Did I only think that because Vox needed me next to you since you’re bonded to Alastor? Do I care about Charlie only because Vox wanted me to? How can I ever know the truth, Huskie? Everything is spoiled. That’s why I want you to forget me. I’m not your friend, your would-be lover. I’m a pawn who was sent to get close to everyone and spy.
Forget me. I’m a bad person.
Val was super pissed at Vox today and told me to annoy him. I ain’t saying exactly what I did but let’s just say Vox can’t wipe his screen right now. I belong in Hell. I belong with Val. You might be a sad drunk, Husk, but I’m worse, so much worse. You know I’m a murderer. You know what I did for my father in life, what I did to him to end his. I’d put a bullet in Vox’s head if Valentino asked me to. I’d do it unasked because of everything Vox took from me. Vox stole every last bit of happiness I had. My only revenge is I keep stoking Valentino’s rage at him, making sure Val doesn’t forgive him. It’s petty but like I said, I’m a bad person.
Sorry for the smeared ink. Got tears on the letter…a little drool maybe. I’m so fucking high right now, it took me two hours to pick myself up off the tiles in the bathroom. I was having a nice trip though. It’s the only way to get through the days. I miss you guys. Midday drinking ain’t fun without you. I gotta cut this short. Val has me scheduled for a ten man gang bang tonight. I shouldn’t tell you that but you understand me. Wish you didn’t. It would make it easier for you to forget all about me. I hope you’re giving Nuggsy all the walks he wants. I hope he thinks you’re his daddy now.
Please forget me,
Angel
p.s. Never ever forget me please.
Angel nearly crumpled the letter up. Now wasn’t the time to worry about who was taking care of Fat Nuggets. It didn’t help that Valentino had been asking after him. He’d offered to send someone after Fat Nuggets but Angel had put him off. Sooner or later, Valentino would do it, even if he had to walk in there and piss all over the princess in the process. He’d enjoy that and Angel had to keep him distracted from it.
He folded the letter carefully, kissed it and put it away.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I wish I could talk to you right now, not just because I miss you. Something weird happened today. I think Val and Velvette are about ready to give Vox his body back but that’s not the weird thing. Vox went off on a self-pitying rant but he mentioned something weird. He said Alastor tricked him into breaking his deal with him. That ain’t all. He said he saw soul chains on Alastor break. I didn’t know Alastor was chained too. Did you?
Anyhow, Vox was wondering how it broke, wondered if it had to do with him getting the Princess to say he wasn’t the strongest sinner anymore. I’ve seen the footage now, even if I didn’t want to. I don’t wanna remember any of that. I haven’t been snorting this much blow, keeping higher than the pentagram in the sky because I wanted a clear head about that. But I see what Vox is saying and it got me wondering. Do all soul contracts have that kind of clause somewhere? I don’t remember that in mine but I do have that thing about only being under Val’s control here in the studio. I shouldn’t remind you of that. You’ll argue that’s all the more reason to come home to the hotel. Valentino can’t make me hurt you there, like he can here. It won’t help. He’ll force me back here no matter what. You ain’t safe from me.
Anyhow, maybe your contract get has a weird out in it. Maybe you could break it. Maybe I can break mind. Nah, I shouldn’t hope, right? Look at what hoping got me. I hoped Charlie was right and I’d get to see Molly in heaven. Oh, right, I never told you about my twin sister, not even when I mentioned her in previous letters. I hoped so hard, Husk. You knew it. You said it. Redemption had been a joke to me at first but it came to mean more than I knew. I hoped I could live a life mostly away from Valentino. I hoped that I could finally love a man who would treat me better than I’ve ever been treated before. But maybe none of that was real. Maybe me thinking redemption was a joke was the real me and the hope was something Vox made me feel because it suited him. I hope not. I hope some of it was real.
Hope is just another word for destruction because it’s destroyed me. I ain’t never going to be the same. I wish the drugs could do me like they did on my last day. At least then the pain would be gone but that’s too easy and hell ain’t easy.
Sorry, I meant for this to be happier than this. I wanted to talk about breaking contracts and all I did was break my own heart.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. I can’t even hope you’ll never forget me anymore.
Angel hated himself for being needy. He hated the hope that still burned in his heart, that all the drugs and abuse couldn’t extinguish it. He hated Charlie for giving him that hope; No, you really don’t. But what if Husk, at least, could be free? What if Angel could leave Vee tower and hide in some forgotten area of hell? Hope was a dagger and it left him bleeding as he hid the letter away.
# # #
Whiskers!
Shoulda been there. Big party. Good stuff. All the tasty booze. Missed ya grumpy ass. Sat outside the hotel door. Val found out but he’s still high from last night. Thought I was funny for wanting to go back. Hahaha.
Once sober, Angel tore that letter into shreds, glad he hadn’t sent it as a drunk text.
# # #
Dear Husk,
Did you send Cherri after me? I know it’s been a month but I ain’t coming back. I can’t. I’m glad it was her who found me and not you. At least I know she’s my friend. I trusted her long before Vox fucked with my brain. I can’t ever be sure about our friendship. I’m sorry if that hurts you.
Maybe I can be sure, I guess. It ain’t like Vox knew you specifically before he showed up at the hotel. Maybe I sent him pictures. I don’t know. I can’t ever know. I’m glad that’s gone from my brain. Do you think he brain damaged me with all that hypnosis? I think maybe. Or maybe it’s the drugs. Might be how many hits to the head I’ve taken.
Speaking of Vox, which I do too often in my letters to you, he has his body back but the Vees turned him out. That’s right. He’s out of here. Hope he’s rotting in a fucking gutter. Hope he hasn’t gone to the hotel. Hope Charlie turned him away if he did. The problem is, Valentino ain’t smart enough to run the show but Velvette is. He’s moping around here ‘cause he did care about Vox and he’s sad and he expects me to take over as his main entertainment, like I already wasn’t, am I right?
He’s being sweet to me, Husk. I know it’s a lie. Val’s doing it because he wants me to do things willingly, like I’m enjoying it. I’m a better actor than you gave me credit for, my dear porn critic. I’ve always pretended to enjoy it, at least for the last few decades. But right now Val’s restless and sad and looking for comfort. Don’t hate me for giving it to him because if he’s happy with me, he hurts me less. Sometimes I can almost remember those times where I thought he loved me and would take care of me. Look at me, writing you about other men. Well, you knew I was a whore and you always comforted me after Val was a dick to me. No reason to think that’ll change.
Back to Cherri, tell her to stay away. I can’t get the image of my hands around her throat out of my head. I dream about it, wake up, throw up, cry, night after night. I can’t be her friend anymore. Tell her that for me, babe. I don’t think she’s hearing me when she runs into me and tries to get me to come home from whatever dive bar I’m in. Val knows her. He’ll hurt her if she gets too close to me. Tell her to forget me. All of you forget me. I never existed.
But thank her for helping you with Fat Nuggets. It did me good to hear he’s okay without me. Everyone is okay without me.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. Per favore, non dimenticarmi
Angel had been so happy to see Cherri on one hand and so damn terrified for her on the other. She made so many good arguments to come home to the hotel that he nearly said yes but all he could see was the remaining Vees raining hell down on the hotel and forcing him out. No, he was better off with Valentino. He could keep his friends safe that way.
# # #
Dear Husk,
My mamma used to say, Se non hai mai pianto, i tuoi occhi non possono essere belli. I know you can speak Italian. Can you read it? Did I spell it right? I ain’t sure. We didn’t learn to write it as much as we did English. Anyhow, she would tell us kids after our father was being a monster, if you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful. We all had beautiful eyes. I wish she could have escaped him but what could a woman do back then?
My eyes are beautiful now. Sorry for smears on this. Not tears this time, blood. Val caught wind about Cherri finding me in a club and wanted to know if you were there. He thinks we’re a thruple. I kept telling him we’re not and that it was just Cherri. He knows Cherri, has known her for decades as one of my friends. Guess he’s getting beyond the missing Vox stage and doesn’t need my shoulder to cry on anymore. He can be cruel again.
So I got a good beating earlier. For my imaginary threesome. It would have been better if he’d been right. At least I’d be bleeding over something I did and not whatever his sick imagination spits out. I hate when he’s like this. I hate you aren’t here to help wash away the blood and bandage me up. For someone with big clawed hands, your touch was delicate. Guess it was all those years of music and magic.
I miss you so much but this proves I’m right. I’m a danger to you. If Val beat me like this for just thinking we mean something to each other, what would he do if he knew for sure? No one is safe with me.
Forget me,
Angel
No p.s. this time. Forget me.
What would he do if Husk did forget him? Eventually he would because hell was forever and they only had a few months together out of it. He’d be forgotten and everyone would better for the forgetting. Angel put away the letter and got out some heroin and a fifth of whiskey to do a little forgetting of his own.
# # #
Husk that was too close!
Don’t come to bars looking for me. Maybe you were just there to drink. Maybe Cherri and Charlie wanted you to come find me. Maybe you just wanted to find me for yourself. I can’t do this, Husk. You look so broken. I can’t be the one who does this to you. Please, please, baby, forget about me. You’re right, I’m a loser. Let me go. Don’t drink so much, baby. It looks like your every meal has been booze and cigarettes since I left. You’ve lost weight and sleep. I can tell.
Valentino has eyes on a lot of clubs. I guess I should keep my ass out of ones attached to casinos. That’s your big thing. I don’t gamble much. I can stay away. Problem is, I love lounge singing. I truly do and you know that. You loved me doing it. Whenever I’m mentally down far in a pit, I picture your expression, your cute little blushes and I smile. The Vees can’t take that from me. They can take everything else. They have. I might have to share Val’s bed but it’s not him I see, not anymore.
I know, I know, it’s not fair of me to drop that on you and tell you to forget me when I obviously can’t forget you. But I have to be honest with someone so it should be you. But you need to not be where I am. Val almost found you in the same club as me. You got out of there just seconds before he arrived. I know you blasted him straight out of the penthouse. You’re strong but you don’t need to be fighting him again because of me because he will force me to attack you and you probably wouldn’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt you but if we’re in Vee tower, I would have to draw down on you. In that club…I could tell Val no and pay for it later. I would. For you. I would, every time.
But it’s still easier for us all if you forget me.
So forget me,
Angel
p.s Cherri used to sing me a song from when she was alive. Ask her about it, goes something like Don't forget me when I'm gone, my heart would break.
Angel barely got the letter hidden before Valentino came into the penthouse, stress written into every line on his face, bags under his eyes. Angel mixed him a drink and rubbed Val’s tense shoulders while making soft, soothing comments about how good Val was doing as the head of the Vee empire. All he could think was how he’d love to use his massaging hands to throttle Val to death. Velvette had been there while he was comforting Val, rolling her eyes and bitching about this new gregarious model of hers. He hoped she didn’t expect him to give her a back rub too. The urge to throttle them both might be too much for him.
# # #
It’s almost ice out there tonight, Husk. All screaming rain and the temp barely over freezing so at least I am inside. I wish I were snuggling with Fat Nuggets. I hope you’re keeping him nice and warm. Hold him close, babe. You are nice and fluffy. He’d love to snuggle with you. Please, let him sit on your bar and eat all the nuts he wants.
It’s screaming so loud out there, almost as loud as me yesterday. The shoot was a brutal one. Val is in a mood. I guess you were fighting for Charlie’s sake when Val’s people showed up to grab some of his actors out of the hotel, the ones he didn’t have under contract and they gave up being in movies so they could work on redemption. He isn’t going to forget how you beat the piss out of him so he beat the piss out of me. Today he’s all apologies and hearts until he saw Vox on the streets. I got sent away. Fuck knows what happened next.
Florida boy is still out in this cold. He’ll come back here and expect me to warm him up. I know one thing, it’s not safe for me. He’s been poking around in my stuff, says he’s looking for any drugs I’ve been doing on the side, ones he didn’t approve of. Truth is, he’s gonna find some. I am going get hit and it is hard to care. I took a fair amount of them right now. Might as well hide out from the screaming ice storm higher than the kite. Maybe I’ll vomit on Val later when he flings me down ‘cause my stomach is rolling like the ocean right now, too many pills, too much booze, too much of his drool.
Sorry, babe. I don’t mean to make this letter all about him again. But what else do I have, Husk? I work at the studio, I live in his penthouse, I’m his shadow, his warped reflection. I deserve this for what I did to you and everyone at the hotel. I should go out on the balcony and stand naked in the rain. That is what I deserve but you’d yell at me for thinking that. I can hear you yelling but then I hear you saying ‘if you pull shit like that again, I’ll fucking spank you.’ You were mad but fuck me, that was hot. You had to know that once you realized what came out of your mouth.
I should have let you spank me. I should have gotten you in bed. Val thinks I did. I hear about it daily. I should have been guilty. Better that I didn’t. You would never forget me if we had banged…no, not that. It would have meant more. It would have been making love, not banging.
I think this is my last letter so I should say what I mean. Never forget me. I love you. I miss you. You were better than I deserved. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I know I did. You didn’t have to have Cherri tell me. I know. You aren’t going to forget me even though you should.
Love you always,
Angel
p.s. I miss everyone at the hotel. I wish I could tell them so.
Angel cupped the letter to his heart and opened the hiding spot in the false bottom of his kit. He took out all the letters he wrote Husk. He hadn’t sent them. He couldn’t send them. Isn’t that how it always went in the movies? The good guy’s letter gets intercepted by the villain. He would be begging for final death if Valentino learned about these letters. Henroin had taught him many things in life and one was to leave no paper trail.
Angel had lit a fire in the penthouse’s fireplace, making the room cozy for whenever Val returned. One by one he tossed his heart into the flames, watching the letters blacken, smoke, and curl. When one was fully consumed, he tossed in another piece of his sold soul. He was still staring at the flames and ash when Valentino came back. Angel barely cared. The drugs had caught up with him. It wasn’t enough to let him forget but at least he was numb.
I will always remember you, Husk. I’ll remember what could have been.
Angel hated that thought gave him hope. Heaven was working with Hell. Maybe his hope wasn’t impossible. It felt like it was. Forgive me, babe. Never forget me, even if the wound never heals. I’m selfish and you know that. One day, Husk, one day this all ends. That’s my hope. Vox fell. Val can too. Alastor as well. One day.
Angel huddled on the carpet in front of the fire, ignoring Valentino’s rants. That theoretical ‘one day’ was too far away but he wouldn’t forget what he once had. Memories were all he had left.
Have the fannish 50 friday recs
Drawn To The Sea Torchwood
Branded FAKE
It Broke His Heart to Hurt Her So, and Yet He Had to Do Hazbin Hotel
Wilful Blindness Torchwood
Out Of Their World The Fantastic Journey
Friends The Murderbot Diaries
Let the Sorrow Go, Its Half the Battle Hazbin Hotel
Outrageous! Torchwood
Young Chainsaw Man
The Dreamcaster Is In Stargate Atlantis
Learning About Magic Teen Wolf
Fool's Rosegold The Owl House
I need to keep better records over the year as I tend to buy gifts at cons and festivals and now there is way too much and I got so flustered I left my house to reset at the coffee shop. The post office was fucking nuts because they have ONE person worker (and he's explaining how he is the only one because of the stupid) There is another woman but all she did was ask are you picking up or dropping off. No idea why she couldn't work the other register.
Also a monster storm is coming so like everyone else I go to the store. I get a rotissiere chicken because if I DO lose power I have a whole chicken to pick at in the cold. (bread and peanut butter too) CVS and the dollar store was just as bad and then the bank tells me they no longer have a coin counter. What am I going to do with all these coins? Sigh.
It took until 7 pm to get all the grades done except my two research students (tomorrow's worry) I am fielding are you going to round that up? Yes I am but your 70.2 isn't rounding to a fucking 73%. Sorry, you didn't do nearly well enough to pass.
I also managed to aspirate my lunch and have been coughing up crap off and on for hours since my lungs are pissed at me.
I did however managed to avoid spoilers for The Amazing Digital Circus's episode 7 drop and got to see the episode. More about that maybe on Tuesday.
And I did some writing.
Title: Forget Our Memories, Forget Our Possibilities
Summary: Angel knows he had no choice but to return to Valentino. It was the only way to keep his friends safe from him. He wants them to forget him but he can’t forget them. He writes letters as often as he can. Will he one day be brave enough to send them?
Rating: teen
Notes: written for the allbingo prompt of love letters and the lyrical titles bingo prompt of Lyric with "remember" or "forget". I chose Don’t Stay by Linkin Park.
Dear Husk,
I’m sorry for everything. I want to come home but you’d only be in danger. I mean, you saw what Val made me do to Cherri. I choked her, would have crushed her throat if you hadn’t hit me. You fought for me. I barely remember it. I was so out of my head but I’ve been listening to Val and Velvette talking about it all the time for the last week. You fucking fought for me. You blasted Valentino straight out of the penthouse. I wish I knew you could do that. I wish I could remember it clearly. Maybe the image of you in battle would have given me strength to carry on.
Because I have nothing. I’m done for, Husk. There’s nothing left in me but shame and sorrow. Dummy me had started to believe in Charlie’s plans. I thought if Penny made it to heaven, knowing what a tool he was sometimes, then maybe I had a chance. You thought so too. Maybe we’re all idiots. I wanted it too much. I wanted to see Molly again. I’m such a fool.
I’m sorry. I betrayed everyone. I meant it. Forget me. I have never been worth the trouble I cause.
Please, forget me.
Angel
p.s. Don’t forget me. I’d die more if you did.
Angel stared at his idiotic letter with his flowery handwriting. God, how much had his father hated his penmanship? The day he came home from school when he was a kid with a paper saying ‘beautiful penmanship’ written on it by the teacher he’d been so proud. It had hung in the school hallway as a good example for a week before he got to take it home. He’d waved it in his brother’s face until Giovanni punched him in the shoulder. Molly had one with her own praise on it. Henroin had taken one look of the proudly presented paper and he’d slapped Angel off his feet for writing ‘like a girl’ and tore the paper into confetti.
Tears stung Angel’s eyes. How could that memory still have the power to hurt him after all this time? Because even then you knew you were worthless. With a soft sigh, he hid the letter in the false bottom of his work kit, stacking used lube bottles on top of the false bottom once the letter was hidden. Valentino shouldn’t be digging in there. Angel looked out the window toward the general direction of the hotel and his heart tore more.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I miss you every day. More than I can say. I just know you’re taking good care of Fat Nuggets for me. I feel terrible for leaving him like that but I’m a horrible person. He deserves better. You and Cherri deserve better. I hope she’s not too sad. First she loses Pentious and now me but it’s better this way. Cauterize the wound and let it scar over. I’ll only bring you both pain.
It’s weird here. I wish I could tell you all about it in person. It’s been two weeks now and Valentino and Velvette still haven’t forgiven Vox. I mean, they shouldn’t. He fucked them over. He nearly destroyed all of hell and heaven so he could rule over the embers. Ha, that’s almost poetic. Will you listen to me? I’m turning into Shakespeare here. Can I tell you something? I preferred Agatha Christie to Shakespeare or at least Molly did and I would sneak her books. Henroin thought book reading made you weak. He’d kick my ass for letter writing too. Usually, I’m a texting kind of guy but sometimes I remember the old ways fondly. Besides, Valentino looks at my phone on the daily.
Anyhow, Valentino has Vox’s head in his bedroom. I’m in his bedroom full time right now, probably shouldn’t tell you that but I thought if anyone would understand and forgive me, it’d be you. I’m there to piss off Vox but man, it’s weird having Vox’s head in there giving running commentary like it’s a baseball game. But that might be better than the times when he begs. I almost feel sorry for him and hate myself more for feeling it. I’d drag his head back to his body so he can respawn completely if I didn’t know Val would pull my head off if I dared.
What I wouldn’t give for my own bed in my own room in the hotel, a little space for me alone. I miss that. I miss you. I’ve seen the news. Lots of people are there now, huh? I bet my room is long gone. Just as well. You’re all better off forgetting me. I’m just a piece of Val’s property, the one that has to pretend I care that he’s sad over Vox because the fucker really does care for Vox. He cares about him like I thought he did me when I signed away my soul. Henroin and Arackniss were right. I’ve always been a dummy.
You’re the only one who ever thought I had a brain. Forget me, Husk. I’ll only fail you, like I’ve failed everyone my whole life.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. Please don’t. I love you.
I love you? He hated himself for scrawling that. He didn’t love Husk because he couldn’t love Husk. If he loved him then all this would hurt that much more. Angel slipped the letter in with the others in their hiding spot and found his syringe. He needed to forget…everything.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I said I love you for the first time last letter. I shouldn’t have done that. How can I know if I truly love you? How do I know I was ever your friend? The only person I’m sure I’m friends with is Cherri because she was my bestie before the hotel, before Vox got into my head. Was I your friend? Did I only think that because Vox needed me next to you since you’re bonded to Alastor? Do I care about Charlie only because Vox wanted me to? How can I ever know the truth, Huskie? Everything is spoiled. That’s why I want you to forget me. I’m not your friend, your would-be lover. I’m a pawn who was sent to get close to everyone and spy.
Forget me. I’m a bad person.
Val was super pissed at Vox today and told me to annoy him. I ain’t saying exactly what I did but let’s just say Vox can’t wipe his screen right now. I belong in Hell. I belong with Val. You might be a sad drunk, Husk, but I’m worse, so much worse. You know I’m a murderer. You know what I did for my father in life, what I did to him to end his. I’d put a bullet in Vox’s head if Valentino asked me to. I’d do it unasked because of everything Vox took from me. Vox stole every last bit of happiness I had. My only revenge is I keep stoking Valentino’s rage at him, making sure Val doesn’t forgive him. It’s petty but like I said, I’m a bad person.
Sorry for the smeared ink. Got tears on the letter…a little drool maybe. I’m so fucking high right now, it took me two hours to pick myself up off the tiles in the bathroom. I was having a nice trip though. It’s the only way to get through the days. I miss you guys. Midday drinking ain’t fun without you. I gotta cut this short. Val has me scheduled for a ten man gang bang tonight. I shouldn’t tell you that but you understand me. Wish you didn’t. It would make it easier for you to forget all about me. I hope you’re giving Nuggsy all the walks he wants. I hope he thinks you’re his daddy now.
Please forget me,
Angel
p.s. Never ever forget me please.
Angel nearly crumpled the letter up. Now wasn’t the time to worry about who was taking care of Fat Nuggets. It didn’t help that Valentino had been asking after him. He’d offered to send someone after Fat Nuggets but Angel had put him off. Sooner or later, Valentino would do it, even if he had to walk in there and piss all over the princess in the process. He’d enjoy that and Angel had to keep him distracted from it.
He folded the letter carefully, kissed it and put it away.
# # #
Dear Husk,
I wish I could talk to you right now, not just because I miss you. Something weird happened today. I think Val and Velvette are about ready to give Vox his body back but that’s not the weird thing. Vox went off on a self-pitying rant but he mentioned something weird. He said Alastor tricked him into breaking his deal with him. That ain’t all. He said he saw soul chains on Alastor break. I didn’t know Alastor was chained too. Did you?
Anyhow, Vox was wondering how it broke, wondered if it had to do with him getting the Princess to say he wasn’t the strongest sinner anymore. I’ve seen the footage now, even if I didn’t want to. I don’t wanna remember any of that. I haven’t been snorting this much blow, keeping higher than the pentagram in the sky because I wanted a clear head about that. But I see what Vox is saying and it got me wondering. Do all soul contracts have that kind of clause somewhere? I don’t remember that in mine but I do have that thing about only being under Val’s control here in the studio. I shouldn’t remind you of that. You’ll argue that’s all the more reason to come home to the hotel. Valentino can’t make me hurt you there, like he can here. It won’t help. He’ll force me back here no matter what. You ain’t safe from me.
Anyhow, maybe your contract get has a weird out in it. Maybe you could break it. Maybe I can break mind. Nah, I shouldn’t hope, right? Look at what hoping got me. I hoped Charlie was right and I’d get to see Molly in heaven. Oh, right, I never told you about my twin sister, not even when I mentioned her in previous letters. I hoped so hard, Husk. You knew it. You said it. Redemption had been a joke to me at first but it came to mean more than I knew. I hoped I could live a life mostly away from Valentino. I hoped that I could finally love a man who would treat me better than I’ve ever been treated before. But maybe none of that was real. Maybe me thinking redemption was a joke was the real me and the hope was something Vox made me feel because it suited him. I hope not. I hope some of it was real.
Hope is just another word for destruction because it’s destroyed me. I ain’t never going to be the same. I wish the drugs could do me like they did on my last day. At least then the pain would be gone but that’s too easy and hell ain’t easy.
Sorry, I meant for this to be happier than this. I wanted to talk about breaking contracts and all I did was break my own heart.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. I can’t even hope you’ll never forget me anymore.
Angel hated himself for being needy. He hated the hope that still burned in his heart, that all the drugs and abuse couldn’t extinguish it. He hated Charlie for giving him that hope; No, you really don’t. But what if Husk, at least, could be free? What if Angel could leave Vee tower and hide in some forgotten area of hell? Hope was a dagger and it left him bleeding as he hid the letter away.
# # #
Whiskers!
Shoulda been there. Big party. Good stuff. All the tasty booze. Missed ya grumpy ass. Sat outside the hotel door. Val found out but he’s still high from last night. Thought I was funny for wanting to go back. Hahaha.
Once sober, Angel tore that letter into shreds, glad he hadn’t sent it as a drunk text.
# # #
Dear Husk,
Did you send Cherri after me? I know it’s been a month but I ain’t coming back. I can’t. I’m glad it was her who found me and not you. At least I know she’s my friend. I trusted her long before Vox fucked with my brain. I can’t ever be sure about our friendship. I’m sorry if that hurts you.
Maybe I can be sure, I guess. It ain’t like Vox knew you specifically before he showed up at the hotel. Maybe I sent him pictures. I don’t know. I can’t ever know. I’m glad that’s gone from my brain. Do you think he brain damaged me with all that hypnosis? I think maybe. Or maybe it’s the drugs. Might be how many hits to the head I’ve taken.
Speaking of Vox, which I do too often in my letters to you, he has his body back but the Vees turned him out. That’s right. He’s out of here. Hope he’s rotting in a fucking gutter. Hope he hasn’t gone to the hotel. Hope Charlie turned him away if he did. The problem is, Valentino ain’t smart enough to run the show but Velvette is. He’s moping around here ‘cause he did care about Vox and he’s sad and he expects me to take over as his main entertainment, like I already wasn’t, am I right?
He’s being sweet to me, Husk. I know it’s a lie. Val’s doing it because he wants me to do things willingly, like I’m enjoying it. I’m a better actor than you gave me credit for, my dear porn critic. I’ve always pretended to enjoy it, at least for the last few decades. But right now Val’s restless and sad and looking for comfort. Don’t hate me for giving it to him because if he’s happy with me, he hurts me less. Sometimes I can almost remember those times where I thought he loved me and would take care of me. Look at me, writing you about other men. Well, you knew I was a whore and you always comforted me after Val was a dick to me. No reason to think that’ll change.
Back to Cherri, tell her to stay away. I can’t get the image of my hands around her throat out of my head. I dream about it, wake up, throw up, cry, night after night. I can’t be her friend anymore. Tell her that for me, babe. I don’t think she’s hearing me when she runs into me and tries to get me to come home from whatever dive bar I’m in. Val knows her. He’ll hurt her if she gets too close to me. Tell her to forget me. All of you forget me. I never existed.
But thank her for helping you with Fat Nuggets. It did me good to hear he’s okay without me. Everyone is okay without me.
Forget me,
Angel
p.s. Per favore, non dimenticarmi
Angel had been so happy to see Cherri on one hand and so damn terrified for her on the other. She made so many good arguments to come home to the hotel that he nearly said yes but all he could see was the remaining Vees raining hell down on the hotel and forcing him out. No, he was better off with Valentino. He could keep his friends safe that way.
# # #
Dear Husk,
My mamma used to say, Se non hai mai pianto, i tuoi occhi non possono essere belli. I know you can speak Italian. Can you read it? Did I spell it right? I ain’t sure. We didn’t learn to write it as much as we did English. Anyhow, she would tell us kids after our father was being a monster, if you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful. We all had beautiful eyes. I wish she could have escaped him but what could a woman do back then?
My eyes are beautiful now. Sorry for smears on this. Not tears this time, blood. Val caught wind about Cherri finding me in a club and wanted to know if you were there. He thinks we’re a thruple. I kept telling him we’re not and that it was just Cherri. He knows Cherri, has known her for decades as one of my friends. Guess he’s getting beyond the missing Vox stage and doesn’t need my shoulder to cry on anymore. He can be cruel again.
So I got a good beating earlier. For my imaginary threesome. It would have been better if he’d been right. At least I’d be bleeding over something I did and not whatever his sick imagination spits out. I hate when he’s like this. I hate you aren’t here to help wash away the blood and bandage me up. For someone with big clawed hands, your touch was delicate. Guess it was all those years of music and magic.
I miss you so much but this proves I’m right. I’m a danger to you. If Val beat me like this for just thinking we mean something to each other, what would he do if he knew for sure? No one is safe with me.
Forget me,
Angel
No p.s. this time. Forget me.
What would he do if Husk did forget him? Eventually he would because hell was forever and they only had a few months together out of it. He’d be forgotten and everyone would better for the forgetting. Angel put away the letter and got out some heroin and a fifth of whiskey to do a little forgetting of his own.
# # #
Husk that was too close!
Don’t come to bars looking for me. Maybe you were just there to drink. Maybe Cherri and Charlie wanted you to come find me. Maybe you just wanted to find me for yourself. I can’t do this, Husk. You look so broken. I can’t be the one who does this to you. Please, please, baby, forget about me. You’re right, I’m a loser. Let me go. Don’t drink so much, baby. It looks like your every meal has been booze and cigarettes since I left. You’ve lost weight and sleep. I can tell.
Valentino has eyes on a lot of clubs. I guess I should keep my ass out of ones attached to casinos. That’s your big thing. I don’t gamble much. I can stay away. Problem is, I love lounge singing. I truly do and you know that. You loved me doing it. Whenever I’m mentally down far in a pit, I picture your expression, your cute little blushes and I smile. The Vees can’t take that from me. They can take everything else. They have. I might have to share Val’s bed but it’s not him I see, not anymore.
I know, I know, it’s not fair of me to drop that on you and tell you to forget me when I obviously can’t forget you. But I have to be honest with someone so it should be you. But you need to not be where I am. Val almost found you in the same club as me. You got out of there just seconds before he arrived. I know you blasted him straight out of the penthouse. You’re strong but you don’t need to be fighting him again because of me because he will force me to attack you and you probably wouldn’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt you but if we’re in Vee tower, I would have to draw down on you. In that club…I could tell Val no and pay for it later. I would. For you. I would, every time.
But it’s still easier for us all if you forget me.
So forget me,
Angel
p.s Cherri used to sing me a song from when she was alive. Ask her about it, goes something like Don't forget me when I'm gone, my heart would break.
Angel barely got the letter hidden before Valentino came into the penthouse, stress written into every line on his face, bags under his eyes. Angel mixed him a drink and rubbed Val’s tense shoulders while making soft, soothing comments about how good Val was doing as the head of the Vee empire. All he could think was how he’d love to use his massaging hands to throttle Val to death. Velvette had been there while he was comforting Val, rolling her eyes and bitching about this new gregarious model of hers. He hoped she didn’t expect him to give her a back rub too. The urge to throttle them both might be too much for him.
# # #
It’s almost ice out there tonight, Husk. All screaming rain and the temp barely over freezing so at least I am inside. I wish I were snuggling with Fat Nuggets. I hope you’re keeping him nice and warm. Hold him close, babe. You are nice and fluffy. He’d love to snuggle with you. Please, let him sit on your bar and eat all the nuts he wants.
It’s screaming so loud out there, almost as loud as me yesterday. The shoot was a brutal one. Val is in a mood. I guess you were fighting for Charlie’s sake when Val’s people showed up to grab some of his actors out of the hotel, the ones he didn’t have under contract and they gave up being in movies so they could work on redemption. He isn’t going to forget how you beat the piss out of him so he beat the piss out of me. Today he’s all apologies and hearts until he saw Vox on the streets. I got sent away. Fuck knows what happened next.
Florida boy is still out in this cold. He’ll come back here and expect me to warm him up. I know one thing, it’s not safe for me. He’s been poking around in my stuff, says he’s looking for any drugs I’ve been doing on the side, ones he didn’t approve of. Truth is, he’s gonna find some. I am going get hit and it is hard to care. I took a fair amount of them right now. Might as well hide out from the screaming ice storm higher than the kite. Maybe I’ll vomit on Val later when he flings me down ‘cause my stomach is rolling like the ocean right now, too many pills, too much booze, too much of his drool.
Sorry, babe. I don’t mean to make this letter all about him again. But what else do I have, Husk? I work at the studio, I live in his penthouse, I’m his shadow, his warped reflection. I deserve this for what I did to you and everyone at the hotel. I should go out on the balcony and stand naked in the rain. That is what I deserve but you’d yell at me for thinking that. I can hear you yelling but then I hear you saying ‘if you pull shit like that again, I’ll fucking spank you.’ You were mad but fuck me, that was hot. You had to know that once you realized what came out of your mouth.
I should have let you spank me. I should have gotten you in bed. Val thinks I did. I hear about it daily. I should have been guilty. Better that I didn’t. You would never forget me if we had banged…no, not that. It would have meant more. It would have been making love, not banging.
I think this is my last letter so I should say what I mean. Never forget me. I love you. I miss you. You were better than I deserved. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I know I did. You didn’t have to have Cherri tell me. I know. You aren’t going to forget me even though you should.
Love you always,
Angel
p.s. I miss everyone at the hotel. I wish I could tell them so.
Angel cupped the letter to his heart and opened the hiding spot in the false bottom of his kit. He took out all the letters he wrote Husk. He hadn’t sent them. He couldn’t send them. Isn’t that how it always went in the movies? The good guy’s letter gets intercepted by the villain. He would be begging for final death if Valentino learned about these letters. Henroin had taught him many things in life and one was to leave no paper trail.
Angel had lit a fire in the penthouse’s fireplace, making the room cozy for whenever Val returned. One by one he tossed his heart into the flames, watching the letters blacken, smoke, and curl. When one was fully consumed, he tossed in another piece of his sold soul. He was still staring at the flames and ash when Valentino came back. Angel barely cared. The drugs had caught up with him. It wasn’t enough to let him forget but at least he was numb.
I will always remember you, Husk. I’ll remember what could have been.
Angel hated that thought gave him hope. Heaven was working with Hell. Maybe his hope wasn’t impossible. It felt like it was. Forgive me, babe. Never forget me, even if the wound never heals. I’m selfish and you know that. One day, Husk, one day this all ends. That’s my hope. Vox fell. Val can too. Alastor as well. One day.
Angel huddled on the carpet in front of the fire, ignoring Valentino’s rants. That theoretical ‘one day’ was too far away but he wouldn’t forget what he once had. Memories were all he had left.
Have the fannish 50 friday recs
Drawn To The Sea Torchwood
Branded FAKE
It Broke His Heart to Hurt Her So, and Yet He Had to Do Hazbin Hotel
Wilful Blindness Torchwood
Out Of Their World The Fantastic Journey
Friends The Murderbot Diaries
Let the Sorrow Go, Its Half the Battle Hazbin Hotel
Outrageous! Torchwood
Young Chainsaw Man
The Dreamcaster Is In Stargate Atlantis
Learning About Magic Teen Wolf
Fool's Rosegold The Owl House
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no subject
Date: 2025-12-13 07:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-13 04:23 pm (UTC)I don't mind the snow/cold but my place is all electric so if I lose power things get bad
no subject
Date: 2025-12-13 11:22 am (UTC)Poor post offices, being squeezed by the Gross Old Party, as someone I know calls them. It does make things difficult when you're trying to mail off cards and packages, though.
Stay safe in the storm! For once, we're not getting it, too.
My local grocery store has a coin counter; maybe you can find one somewhere like that?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-13 04:15 pm (UTC)Gross old party indeed. right trying to 'prove' the USPS is bad by forcing them to BE bad so they can privatize it.
yay for no storm for you
It does. It's broken AND it takes a percentage and you don't get money. You get gift cards to places I don't want to shop at
no subject
Date: 2025-12-14 12:02 pm (UTC)Yes, catch-22 indeed.
We were supposed to get less than an inch overnight, but Pip says 2-3, so maybe we caught the tail edge of your storm?
The one in my grocery store does take a percentage, but at least it gives you cash and not GCs, wtf?!!
no subject
Date: 2025-12-14 04:07 pm (UTC)you might have, it was an enormous storm
I could handle the percentage if it was cash