Spin Out

[cornerofmadness]

I've been expecting it really with this student loan boogieman raising its ugly head again (and it doesn't help that lovely time of the month is late...let's just hope it holds off until sunday now.)

It's got the ball bouncing around in my head again, all those phantoms that came with the injury screeching. the dreaded 'if only's'. If only I hadn't been hurt, if only i got to keep all 120K that I made a year instead of the firm I worked for only giving me 40K, if only I hadn't had to incur even more loans, if they had given me more than 3 grand for a lifetime disability, if only the lawyers now would help. See my life would have been perfect without all of the 'if only's'. No, of course it wouldn't have been but it would undeniably have been better.

I promised that since my 30's were filled with so much pain that I wouldn't let my 40's get dragged down too. this is not an auspicious start, back to thinking why bother at all. Thinking more and more about looking for another therapist down here. Problem is, i can't take most anti-depressants and really, i'm not too sure what talking is supposed to do. I don't feel much better for having written this. Hell I'd probably feel better listening to you all than I would to someone i'm paying 100$/hr.

well i'd better get back to making tests. Turns out the Dublin Irish Festival is this weekend and NOT next weekend like I thought it was. Sigh. it was 97 today. It's probably too hot for me to withstand it but to the Ohioans on the list if you'll be in Dublin this weekend, drop me an email and I'll give you my cell phone #. Maybe we can hook up for some good music and beer.

Comments

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

You frankly got a raw deal from the Universe, and it's hard to *not* be depressed about that when you still haven't found a way to make the situation better yet.

*hugs*

I'm sorry. You don't deserve this crap.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. You know what the topper is. mom found all this exception stuff that could save my butt but with ten days to inact it, it's probably too late. Thing is BOTH of us have searched on and on for years why did we never find etiher

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

wow. shit. :(

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

that's the universe fucking with me

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

it's like you're a butterfly and the universe is a little boy pulling off your wings.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i like that analogy a lot. it works sadly

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I saw that gaelbrady is going to the festival but I barely know her myself. *sigh*

When it gets cooler, come see me. Maybe we can do something ridiculous and fun.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

we'd practically be all teh way to thanksgiving by then (not sure either of us can wiggle out of that two years running)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I was wondering about that, myself. *siiigh* But it's prime time to visit! *laughs* Four DAYS! FOUR!

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

so true

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

*siiiigh*

[rain-oubliette.livejournal.com]

Darlin', I wish I could give you the money to pay off the sharks. You don't deserve to be hounded.

As for the if onlys... we all have those... but they don't do anything but take up brain space and drag you down. The next time they come around, tell 'em to take a hike. You're still well loved and you've got your smarts. When I get out of college - or the next time I get down Gallipolis way, I'll give you a holler and we'll go get wasted and chase people around Bob Evans' Farm. I'll try to keep my clothes on, but if I'm really trashed and it's hot, I'm not making any promises.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. And you are right. Sounds like fun to me. Hey I'm always up for splashing around naked in a lake or stream too. Got those roaming round.

[silvrethorn.livejournal.com]

Whatever the bastards do, they have to leave you enough to live on. Cold comfort, but you aren't facing homelessness no matter how nasty they talk, so you have much to be grateful for. You're a professor, how cool is that? You're shaping careers. You influence lives. Scabies-infested students bring you gifts of home-grown produce. You have lots of people who love and support you. Sure, that doesn't put any money in your bank account (you hang out with a bunch of poor people--bad career move), but it's something. Take it for what it's worth and hang in there.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah i know. It just sucks to know that if I want things like, oh a house, i'd pracitcally have to marry someone and make him buy it. I hate being dependent.

the new job all in all isn't bad.. and that homegrown produce is still in the cuprboard. it scares me

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

*snort* Take it home for t-giving and foist it on Gma. *giggles*

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

snort

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

*weg*

[silvrethorn.livejournal.com]

Med school and your past practice got you the professorship, so no matter how off track it got your schooling and hard work weren't wasted. And if socialized medicine becomes a reality (as it must if our gov't won't enact price controls on Big Pharma), you're better off on your current side of the profession anyway.

If one of us hits the lottery someday, we'll have to figure out a way to funnel you money so the loan people can't get their hooks into it. Is there a Powerball lottery anywhere in your area? Maybe you could win enough to pay off the loan, buy out the collection agency, and fire everybody.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i thought about that when i tried to find a place to buy a megamillions ticket last night. 99 million would sure help.

and yeah, in all honesty i DONT miss medicine that much. Being a doctor is exceedingly stressful

[0-mother-0.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Dana *hugs*

I hate the 'if onlys'...

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks and so do i

[spideygirl81.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Dana that things are not going your way, it looks like you don't seems to have such luck. Life is real strange sometimes I think, but whatever it is, you don't deserve all this, you deserve better =D May you have good luck always.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks!