Bitter Trials - part one
Aug. 28th, 2008 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cornerofmadnessNOTE - this is rougher than I want it to be However I needed it up for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
kink_bingo so yuo might want to either a) read and give some critiques or b) wait until you see me distributing it!
Bitter Trials
cornerofmadness
Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. I don’t make a profit
Rating – NC-17
Pairing - Maes/Roy, Roy/Riza, Maes/Riza/Roy, implied Maes/Gracia
Time Line - Ishbal, manga-verse (with hints of anime)
Summary – The Soldiers are not fitting back into civilian life after the war and their relationships with each other have crumbled.
Author’s Note – written for Kink_bingo for a simultaneous line bingo using hand fetish and double penetration. It’s fifth in the series but you don’t need to read the others. All you need to know is that during the war Roy was having a relationship with both Riza and Maes and when she found out about it, Riza didn’t react well. This takes place soon after they get home. If you want to read the others you can find
the Uncharted Series here (note, Delicate Entanglements needs Retconned)
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise – Oscar Wilde
Chapter one
Roy looked around his temporary housing. He knew that he wouldn’t be assigned to the Central Headquarters as much as he might want to be. Roy was all too aware that he represented a threat to the Upper Brass. A nineteen year old Lieutenant Colonel terrified the older officers, unprepared for his unprecedented meteoric rise. He had been promoted the moment his boots touched the soil in Central. Being an alchemist made matters worse. Who wasn’t afraid of him?
Even as he and the other alchemists were driven in carriages along parade routes, Roy knew the civilians giving them a hero’s welcome feared them. Still, there were so many people cheering them, so many young ladies afterwards with their flowers and candies for the soldiers that it was hard to stay grounded. Then came all the receptions and dinners with generals and wealthy merchants. Roy knew it would be all too easy to let everything go to his head.
Roy used his own self-loathing to nurse on, to keep him from thinking he deserved the accolades and admirers. He was a butcher, the killer of innocents. Roy disgusted himself. He destroyed everything he touched, including his own life.
Pacing the too-big living room of his temporary housing, Roy knew he didn’t deserve a place like this, even if it was only temporary. He wanted to be punished. He kept hoping it would come from somewhere but the only place he found punishment was within his own dreams in the dead of night.
He’d wake shrieking, expecting a knife in his gut. He’d look up and see red eyes watching him, wanting his life. Roy felt like he should just give in. He deserved to die for what he had done. Then the dreams would fade and he’d be so alive, after midnight when the world was quiet. He had no one to turn to. Maybe that’s what he deserved, utter loneliness. He had almost destroyed those most important to him.
He and Maes were trying to keep away from each other because of the damage done to Riza’s heart. Roy loved her so much and he didn’t want to be the cause of that much pain, only the forced separation wasn’t working. The strain on all three of them was nearly unbearable. He was in so much pain because he simply did not know what to do. He loved Riza passionately but he could no longer lie to himself about how he felt about Maes. He was in love with Maes, too.
Roy hated this mess. What was wrong with his heart? Why wasn’t one enough? It wasn’t greed. It was need. Was he so empty that he had to struggle to fill himself any way he could? Even at that, all he felt inside was despair; despondency for things he’d done, for what he’d failed to do.
Roy couldn’t bear it any more. The apartment was too lonely. Dressing, Roy headed out to the closet pub, the Winking Lizard As always, he wondered what the hell kind of name was that? It reminded him of the desert lizards he used to see skittering away from the heat and smoke he caused. Roy wasn’t sure he liked lizards. Too many memories.
The bar was fairly empty since it was still early. The bartender barely looked up. Roy hadn’t worn his uniform. He was off duty and he wanted to escape recognition if he could. He couldn’t stand being the hero of Ishbal any longer.
The bartender set down the requested whiskey and went off, leaving Roy to his quiet misery. Roy sat for a long time just drinking quietly and concentrating on being nothing, thinking of nothing but he couldn’t quite escape his wretchedness. He needed more alcohol than he was comfortable drinking in order to escape the way he wanted to.
“Roy.”
Roy looked over his shoulder at Maes and scowled viciously. “What?”
“You’re here a lot.” Maes sat next to him.
“You keeping track?” Bitterness hung on every word. Maes’ only answer was the harsh look glaring hot from behind his glasses. “No one asked you to watch over me.”
“I don’t really care,” Maes said. “I’m not going to sit back and watch you slip, Roy. I’m here as a concerned friend and if it wasn’t me, it’d be Riza.”
“You told her,” Roy hissed.
“Like I’d have to. Give your friends some credit. We’re not idiots.” Maes’ thin lips pulled into a tense line.
Roy wanted to break then and there. He wanted to beg Maes to take him home and make everything all right. Instead, he just turned away, lifting his drink with a shaking hand.
“Roy?”
“It’s too hard, Maes. I’m their hero. I wish I had died out there. I deserve it for the things I did. Even out there, in the sand, my men praised me for keeping them alive and all I could think of was, ‘what are you talking about? I’m a monster. I could barely keep any of you alive and I killed so many innocents’.”
“We’ve had this conversation. I’ve given you my suggestion as to what you need to do if this is how you feel,” Maes said.
Roy glanced around the bar then nodded. “And it’s best not discussed here.”
“You’re right...let’s go home,” Maes said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Roy hedged, hating himself for going so cold. Maes deserved better than toe be kept at arm’s length.
“We used to be friends, Roy...before it all happened,” Maes said sadly. “I miss that. That’s all I’m asking for tonight, Roy, nothing more.”
Roy’s larynx bobbed, his pain shining so brightly from his eyes it was blinding. He nodded and got up. Neither man said anything as they walked back to Roy’s new home. Roy watched Maes survey the state of the place, which was mostly unpacked and disorderly. Cardboard boxes were piled everywhere.
“Roy, what have we done to ourselves?” Maes asked softly.
Roy sagged onto a chair. “I wish I knew Maes. I miss being friends without everything hanging over us. I hate that I did this to us.”
Maes sat on a box. “Roy, you didn’t do this alone. And we didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you so sure? Riza barely knows how to talk to me any more...and then what I did to her...you have no idea.”
“Love shouldn’t ever be wrong,” Maes argued, his eyes narrowing. “And I’m sorry Riza got hurt. Neither of us meant for that to happen. I thought maybe...she was getting better.”
Was Maes saying what Roy thought he was? He couldn’t deal with this, not now. “That wasn’t what I meant.”
“What are you talking about? Her getting hurt at the tail end of the fighting?” Maes shot Roy a worried look. “That wasn’t your fault. Things like that happen in war, Roy. Hawkeye wasn’t even under your immediate command.”
Roy shook hard, almost convulsively at the memory. “She didn’t get hurt in battle.”
Maes got to his feet. His voice was sharp as his daggers when he asked, “You did that to her? Why, Roy? Was it because of us? Were you fighting? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
Roy laughed hollow, bitter as he put his hands over his face. That Maes could even thing that hurt more than he knew how to deal with. “No to all of it but the first. I did it. She begged me to. I didn’t want to do that. It killed what little was left alive in me.”
“Then why?” Maes put a hand on Roy’s shoulder, feeling the quivering that rattled Mustang.
“Because she was so appalled by me that she wanted to be sure no more monsters like me would ever exist,” Roy spat.
“I don’t understand.”
Roy dropped his hands away from his face. “You know her father was my mentor. He died before he told me the secrets to flame alchemy. Riza heard my plans for helping the people, you know the ones.” Roy took a deep breath and Maes nodded. They had spent long idealistic nights discussing them in the academy. “She believed in them, in me, Maes. It’s why she went into the military, for me, to protect me. And she was the one who told me the secret to flame alchemy.”
“Her father told her,” Maes guessed. “But why would you burn her, Roy?”
“Teacher didn’t tell his daughter, Maes. He tattooed the array to her back. She made me destroy it. I’m the only one who knows it now,” Roy whispered. “I’m the last.”
“But you wear the array on your glove. Anyone could copy it. There was no need for something so extreme,” Maes pointed out, his voice trembling.
Roy shook his head. “There’s more to it than just the array. You have to know how to disassemble and reassemble the molecules and compounds. There are secrets to controlling the flames. The text for it was there as well. That’s where I concentrated my fire.”
Maes slumped down onto the floor next to Roy. “I didn’t realize...she shouldn’t have asked it of you, Roy. She had no right to make you feel more like a monster.”
“I don’t think Riza was in a good frame of mind, Maes, not then. I found her burying an Ishbalan child our military had left to rot in a ditch like a road killed dog. I think the horror just caught up to her,” Roy said in her defense.
“She has such a claim on you, Roy,” Maes whispered, his head drooping.
“I love her and I think she loves me, too...but she’s afraid of me as well and I don’t know how to fix any of this,” Roy lamented.
“There’s not even room for me in any of that, is there?” Maes’ eyes hardened like citrines.
“There’s room, Maes. I just...don’t know how we all work together yet, if we even can. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you,” Roy replied, looking askance at Maes. “And it’s unfair to you, to her, to even think about asking for you to care about me when I no longer do.”
Maes put his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Somewhere in there I heard that you love me which...I don’t even know how to address because you went and said you don’t love yourself any more.”
Roy jerked away. “I don’t want to talk about it at all.”
Maes caught him, whipping Roy around harshly. “You’re going to. You can’t do this to me, Roy. You can’t say those things then shut me out.”
“I didn’t mean...”
“What? The words? To let them slip?” Maes shook Roy’s shoulders.
“To burden you,” Roy whispered.
Maes felt Roy trembling. He brushed a hand along his friend’s cheek. “Do you love me?”
“I didn’t mean to.” Roy covered his eyes with one hand. “I made such a mess of things.”
Maes pulled him closer. “I love you, Roy. I don’t care if that makes things messy.”
Roy rested his forehead against Maes’ shoulder. “Does Gracia know?”
“No. It’s taken me this long to admit it.” Maes held Roy tenderly. “I came here tonight to be a friend and...I think I’m failing because I want to kiss you so badly. But I won’t. We need to talk about you not wanting us to care about you because you don’t care about you.”
“Forget I said that,” Roy muttered against Maes’ neck. He should never have said anything. Don’t let Maes hear the suicidal tones.
“I don’t think so.” Maes gently pushed Roy back. “Talk to me, Roy. Tell me about how you’re feeling.”
“I’m drunk and I said too much,” Roy said evasively.
“Roy, I don’t like how you’re talking. I need you to know that I care about you. Riza cares. Even if you think we don’t, we do,” Maes promised him.
Roy nodded. “All right, fine. I believe you...about you. Riza...maybe in time. I’m tired, Maes. I want to go to sleep.”
“Do you want me to stay? Here, on the couch, just to keep you company?” Maes asked hurriedly.
“I need to be alone.” Roy turned away.
“All right.”
“And Maes, you need to tell Gracia. Before we can have more talks, before we do anything more, you owe her that much or we end here. It can’t go further between us...only I don’t even know if it will.” Roy sighed. “I don’t know what to do, Maes. Maybe you shouldn’t tell her. Just let it end. I’ll try to save what I can with Riza. You don’t have to hurt Gracia, too.” Roy ran his hand through his hair. “I’m drunk,” he repeated. “Forget everything I said. Don’t ever tell Gracia.”
“Let me worry about Gracia, Roy.” Maes put his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “You get some rest. We don’t have to solve this problem tonight.”
“Then why do I feel like we need to?” Roy whispered.
“Because you’re drunk and emotionally battered. Get some rest. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon and we’ll talk then. Maybe we can make some sense out of it,” Maes said, steering Roy towards his bedroom. “Go to sleep. I’ll let myself out.”
“Thanks, Maes.” Roy listened for the front door’s opening and closing. When he was sure Maes was gone, he gave in to the torrent he was too proud to show his friend. Roy dissolved into salt water on the floor.
X X X
Maes knew this was stupid but he had to do it. The hallway of the rundown apartment complex was a stark contrast to the opulent housing provided to Roy. Hawkeye had been graduated ahead of schedule from the Academy due to time served in Ishbal but she was still nothing more than a lowly second lieutenant. Her housing reflected that.
Shock registered on Hawkeye’s sleepy face as she cracked open the door. Maes saw the glint of her gun at the edge of the door. “Hughes? Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes.”
She read a lot of warning in that simple word and dragged him inside. “It’s Roy, isn’t it?”
Maes nodded. “He’s a mess, Hawkeye. He’d be furious that I’m telling you this but he needs his friends looking out for him right now.”
Hawkeye set the pistol on the little table next to the door that also held her keys. “You and he were...” She couldn’t look at him as the words trailed off. Her face colored.
“I don’t think there is a me and him, Hawkeye.” Maes leaned against the door. “He’s doing his best to shut us out. Me probably even more so than you. He knows he hurt you but...” Maes rubbed his chin. “It’s not my place to get into this, Hawkeye, but you deserve the truth. I just wish I knew what that was.”
She was watching him now. He didn’t know what to make of her scrutiny. He had been more open with her in those few sentences than he had ever been. “I know you care about him.”
“That might not be enough. He thinks he’s ruined us all. I’m not sure he’s wrong. I don’t want to be the reason there’s a wedge between you and Roy. And if there is something between him and me, then I have a woman I owe answers to as well. But that’s not really why I woke you up in the middle of the damn night.” Maes said, each word carefully measured and chosen for fit.
Riza’s eyes widened as the realization sank in. “Did Roy do something at that damn bar?”
Just like he suspected, Riza knew. “No. I got him out of there. What brought me here is...he doesn’t want us to care about him because he doesn’t care about himself.”
Riza’s breath caught. She walked stiffly to the couch and gently lowered herself onto the cushions. Maes felt even guiltier about waking her up. Her injuries were plagued her. “You think he’s going to hurt himself.” Her hand shook where it grasped the battered arm of the old piece of furniture.
Maes sat on the sturdy coffee table facing her. “Yes, I do. I’ve known him a long time. I know you have as well. Roy feels things deeply.”
“I know that. And he’s...idealistic.”
“Not any more. Ishbal crushed him. I think being made a hero has only made that worse. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he’s been hinky with me ever since...well, ever since you found out about us.” Maes sighed. “I’m not sure I know how to help him other than to keep a close eye on him and try to let him know he’s not alone.”
“I can do that.” Riza’s lip trembled. “I don’t want...he can’t hurt himself.”
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. He thinks you’re afraid of him, Riza or that you hate him as much as you love him. Or something.” Maes watched her face crumble and she covered it with a hand as if trying to hold herself together.
“He has reason to. My father...he knew, Hughes, he knew what this alchemy could do. It’s why he didn’t give the secrets to Roy. I heard him when he was dying, wishing that he had instructed Roy in those secrets.” Riza licked her lips, tears collecting along the rim of her eyes. “I heard all the beautiful things Roy wanted to do for the people and I believed in him. I finished what my father started and damn if Father wasn’t right. Look at what they turned Roy into!”
“It’s not Roy’s fault, Hawkeye.” Maes’ voice shook. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. He needed her to believe him. “This wasn’t what he wanted and he wants to make things better.”
“He can’t take back what he did,” she replied.
“But he can make it so it doesn’t happen again. Roy needs us to be able to achieve those goals some day. More importantly, he needs to know that we can care about him, no matter what happened. Do you?”
She stifled a sob and bobbed her head.
Maes switched over to sitting next to her. “Then tell him. It was terrifying watching what he and the other Alchemists could do, like pissed off gods. But letting him see that fear, it’s killing him inside, Hawkeye. He will become the thing you fear if we let the good inside him die. Do you know how much it hurts him that he had to hurt you? I know you had your reasons, good ones, for making him do it but I don’t think it was the right thing to do. Roy’s taking it hard.”
Tears trickled over the fingers she had clamped over her mouth, holding back the screams that wanted to bubble out. She leaned away from Maes but he caught her and dragged her against him. Riza shuddered against him then wiped her face. “I never wanted to cry, especially in front of another soldier.”
“I won’t tell,” he promised.
“I’ll talk to Roy. I do love him but my own fears...they got the better of me.”
“Then tell him that, too. It’s probably better that we start being honest with ourselves.”
Riza looked up at him, smiling slightly through her turmoil. “You are good for him, you know that right?”
“Someone has to be. Roy’s never good to himself.” Maes brushed her hair back. “I should go. I’ve caused enough disturbance for one night.”
“No, you said the things I needed to hear. I’ll talk to him and I’ll watch over him. I’ve already made that promise to him. I just needed time to heal,” Riza replied.
“I hope you feel better soon.” Maes impulsively leaned in and kissed her forehead. “If he gets too out of hand for you or you’re worried, call on me any time. No matter what happens, I’m still his friend.”
“Thanks, and you do the same.”
Riza walked him to the door. Maes took the long route home, unable to sort through all the feelings mixing inside of him.
Chapter Two
Gracia hadn’t expected Maes to say anything like the words coming out of his mouth. At first, she just couldn’t understand them, as if her boyfriend had learned some ancient tongue in the desert. Her meticulously prepared meal had gone to ash in her mouth. The thought of the candies she had brought home from work for dessert made her stomach flip. Why did he choose now to say these things? She might never be able to look at food again.
Getting up from the table, she walked away from him. Her strength left her when she hit the living room. Lucky thing or she might have made it all the way to the street and who knew what would have happened then. Gracia collapsed on the couch.
“Gracia?” Maes said from the doorway.
“You cheated on me,” she said flatly.
“It wasn’t...” Maes came into the room and would have sat next to her but a glare stopped him dead.
“I thought Roy was your best friend,” she interrupted his rationalization.
“He is,” Maes said weakly.
“I didn’t realize that meant you had sex together,” she snarled and Maes winced.
“Gracia, it wasn’t anything we had planned.” Maes seemed ready to fall limp at her feet if not for the mantle he leaned on.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Gracia propelled herself up and stalked over to him. “You cheated on me with another man , Maes. How do you think that makes me feel?” She wanted to hit him, to make him hurt like she did.
“I’m sorry, Gracia.” Maes reached for her.
She batted his hand away. “Why? Was it that place? Were you that lonely?”
“It wasn’t like that.” Maes shook his head, almost seeming angry with her. “It wasn’t some cheap...”
“Then what?” Gracia demanded, shoving at him.
Maes turned from her, taking a few paces away before whirling back. “I’m in love with him,” he said, his citrine eyes meeting hers.
Gracia fell back, unable to speak. She felt as cold and pale as the marble mantle. She was as unsubstantial as fog. “What? I don’t understand. You were supposed to love me and he was in love with...what did you say her name was? Hawkeye?”
“He is in love with her and I do love you, but I also love him,” Mae said, looking utterly weary. She would have pitied him if she wasn’t so frightened and angry.
“This doesn’t make any sense, Maes,” Gracia said, too worn to be loud. Her voice rasped like sand paper. “How am I supposed to feel? What would Hawkeye think if she knew?”
“She knows,” Maes said simply.
“Oh.” Gracia reared back as if slapped. She couldn’t take any more. Going back to the couch, Gracia collapsed on it. “I see. Well, it’s good that she knows.” What a stupid thing to say! What could she say that wouldn’t sound inane?
“Gracia, I...”
“Get out, Maes,” she said softly.
His larynx bobbed as he swallowed hard. “What?”
“Get out. I don’t want to see you,” she added more strongly, her fingers digging into the couch.
“You’ll call me when you’re ready to talk,” he added hopefully.
She twisted on the couch to face him fully. “I won’t call, Maes. I’m not going to see you again.”
His eyes glistened. “But Gracia...”
“Out!” She pointed to the door.
To his credit, Maes didn’t fight with her. He moved past her, tears in his eyes. She couldn’t let them sway her. She didn’t know how to handle this. Gracia lost track of time as she sat there after the front door shut. Finally she staggered up numbly and went to the kitchen. Dinner was cold on the table and the candles had guttered.
Gracia grabbed the ends of the table cloth, folding up all four corners into a nice handle which she used to slam the contents into the wall a few times, cracking the plaster. She left the tablecloth filled with broken glass and shattered china fall to the floor. Walking like one already dead up the steps of her townhouse, Gracia drew a bath hotter than she could usually stand. Gracia scrubbed hard then finally dissolved into tears as it all caught up to her.
X X X
Roy rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled into the Winking Lizard. The bartender glared at him as if he were somehow to blame for this.
“Usually I’m calling him to haul your drunk ass out of here. Guess it’s your turn.” The bartender jerked a thumb at Maes who swayed on a bar stool, gazing unfocused at his whiskey glass.
Roy snorted at the bartender and went over to Maes who reeked of the hard liquor he had been guzzling. “What’s wrong, Maes?”
“Get away.” Maes pushed at him and fell off his stool.
Roy caught him before Maes could hit the sticky floor. He staggered back against Maes’ weight. “Damn, you’re heavy, Maes.”
“She left me,” Maes said, slurring so badly Roy could barely make out his words. Maes tried to go for the door and nearly fell again, lurching against Roy.
Roy staggered, dragging Maes along. “What?”
“Ish told her ‘bout ush.” Maes careened off a table then finally made the doorway.
“Oh, damn, hush up about that now,” Roy said, thankful he had a cab waiting. He poured Maes into it. Luckily, Maes broke into tears, embarrassing but at least he wasn’t about to tell the world he and Roy were lovers. Finally, he passed out on Roy’s shoulder, drooling down his neck. When they arrived at Maes’ apartment, Roy shook Maes until he came around.
“Wha?” Maes pushed at Roy.
“We’re home. Get out of the car.”
Roy had to get out of the cab and drag Maes out. He paid the fare and tried to get Maes into his apartment. He was practically dragging dead weight. “Am I this much of a pain in the ass when I’m drunk?” he asked rhetorically. Maes didn’t really respond. Roy hauled him into the bedroom and let Maes crash on the bed.
“I’s feel terrible,” Maes groaned. Roy darted in with a trashcan and barely leapt back in time. Maes hugged the can close, getting violently sick.
“See, this is why you should leave the drinking to me.”
“She left me,” Maes blubbered.
Roy sighed, taking the can from Maes, nestling the smelly thing next to the bed just in case. “Why did you tell her?”
“How did you know I did?”
“Because why else would she have left you?” Roy laid Maes back on the bed. He knew there were many reasons Gracia could have broken up with Maes but he also knew Maes. The man was very likely to have confessed.
“She wouldn’t even look at me,” Maes moaned.
“We’ll talk about it when you’re sober,” Roy said, feeling awful for his friend. At least Riza hadn’t walked out of his life. “Why did you tell her, Maes? I told you not to tell her yet.”
Maes didn’t answer, out cold and drooling on his pillow. Roy covered him up and let himself out. He looked back at the apartment as he walked home. “Damn you, Maes, for being so honest. You just had to go and throw it all away.” Roy knew nothing was going to make it any better.
kink_bingo so yuo might want to either a) read and give some critiques or b) wait until you see me distributing it!Bitter Trials
cornerofmadness
Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. I don’t make a profit
Rating – NC-17
Pairing - Maes/Roy, Roy/Riza, Maes/Riza/Roy, implied Maes/Gracia
Time Line - Ishbal, manga-verse (with hints of anime)
Summary – The Soldiers are not fitting back into civilian life after the war and their relationships with each other have crumbled.
Author’s Note – written for Kink_bingo for a simultaneous line bingo using hand fetish and double penetration. It’s fifth in the series but you don’t need to read the others. All you need to know is that during the war Roy was having a relationship with both Riza and Maes and when she found out about it, Riza didn’t react well. This takes place soon after they get home. If you want to read the others you can find
the Uncharted Series here (note, Delicate Entanglements needs Retconned)
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise – Oscar Wilde
Chapter one
Roy looked around his temporary housing. He knew that he wouldn’t be assigned to the Central Headquarters as much as he might want to be. Roy was all too aware that he represented a threat to the Upper Brass. A nineteen year old Lieutenant Colonel terrified the older officers, unprepared for his unprecedented meteoric rise. He had been promoted the moment his boots touched the soil in Central. Being an alchemist made matters worse. Who wasn’t afraid of him?
Even as he and the other alchemists were driven in carriages along parade routes, Roy knew the civilians giving them a hero’s welcome feared them. Still, there were so many people cheering them, so many young ladies afterwards with their flowers and candies for the soldiers that it was hard to stay grounded. Then came all the receptions and dinners with generals and wealthy merchants. Roy knew it would be all too easy to let everything go to his head.
Roy used his own self-loathing to nurse on, to keep him from thinking he deserved the accolades and admirers. He was a butcher, the killer of innocents. Roy disgusted himself. He destroyed everything he touched, including his own life.
Pacing the too-big living room of his temporary housing, Roy knew he didn’t deserve a place like this, even if it was only temporary. He wanted to be punished. He kept hoping it would come from somewhere but the only place he found punishment was within his own dreams in the dead of night.
He’d wake shrieking, expecting a knife in his gut. He’d look up and see red eyes watching him, wanting his life. Roy felt like he should just give in. He deserved to die for what he had done. Then the dreams would fade and he’d be so alive, after midnight when the world was quiet. He had no one to turn to. Maybe that’s what he deserved, utter loneliness. He had almost destroyed those most important to him.
He and Maes were trying to keep away from each other because of the damage done to Riza’s heart. Roy loved her so much and he didn’t want to be the cause of that much pain, only the forced separation wasn’t working. The strain on all three of them was nearly unbearable. He was in so much pain because he simply did not know what to do. He loved Riza passionately but he could no longer lie to himself about how he felt about Maes. He was in love with Maes, too.
Roy hated this mess. What was wrong with his heart? Why wasn’t one enough? It wasn’t greed. It was need. Was he so empty that he had to struggle to fill himself any way he could? Even at that, all he felt inside was despair; despondency for things he’d done, for what he’d failed to do.
Roy couldn’t bear it any more. The apartment was too lonely. Dressing, Roy headed out to the closet pub, the Winking Lizard As always, he wondered what the hell kind of name was that? It reminded him of the desert lizards he used to see skittering away from the heat and smoke he caused. Roy wasn’t sure he liked lizards. Too many memories.
The bar was fairly empty since it was still early. The bartender barely looked up. Roy hadn’t worn his uniform. He was off duty and he wanted to escape recognition if he could. He couldn’t stand being the hero of Ishbal any longer.
The bartender set down the requested whiskey and went off, leaving Roy to his quiet misery. Roy sat for a long time just drinking quietly and concentrating on being nothing, thinking of nothing but he couldn’t quite escape his wretchedness. He needed more alcohol than he was comfortable drinking in order to escape the way he wanted to.
“Roy.”
Roy looked over his shoulder at Maes and scowled viciously. “What?”
“You’re here a lot.” Maes sat next to him.
“You keeping track?” Bitterness hung on every word. Maes’ only answer was the harsh look glaring hot from behind his glasses. “No one asked you to watch over me.”
“I don’t really care,” Maes said. “I’m not going to sit back and watch you slip, Roy. I’m here as a concerned friend and if it wasn’t me, it’d be Riza.”
“You told her,” Roy hissed.
“Like I’d have to. Give your friends some credit. We’re not idiots.” Maes’ thin lips pulled into a tense line.
Roy wanted to break then and there. He wanted to beg Maes to take him home and make everything all right. Instead, he just turned away, lifting his drink with a shaking hand.
“Roy?”
“It’s too hard, Maes. I’m their hero. I wish I had died out there. I deserve it for the things I did. Even out there, in the sand, my men praised me for keeping them alive and all I could think of was, ‘what are you talking about? I’m a monster. I could barely keep any of you alive and I killed so many innocents’.”
“We’ve had this conversation. I’ve given you my suggestion as to what you need to do if this is how you feel,” Maes said.
Roy glanced around the bar then nodded. “And it’s best not discussed here.”
“You’re right...let’s go home,” Maes said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Roy hedged, hating himself for going so cold. Maes deserved better than toe be kept at arm’s length.
“We used to be friends, Roy...before it all happened,” Maes said sadly. “I miss that. That’s all I’m asking for tonight, Roy, nothing more.”
Roy’s larynx bobbed, his pain shining so brightly from his eyes it was blinding. He nodded and got up. Neither man said anything as they walked back to Roy’s new home. Roy watched Maes survey the state of the place, which was mostly unpacked and disorderly. Cardboard boxes were piled everywhere.
“Roy, what have we done to ourselves?” Maes asked softly.
Roy sagged onto a chair. “I wish I knew Maes. I miss being friends without everything hanging over us. I hate that I did this to us.”
Maes sat on a box. “Roy, you didn’t do this alone. And we didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you so sure? Riza barely knows how to talk to me any more...and then what I did to her...you have no idea.”
“Love shouldn’t ever be wrong,” Maes argued, his eyes narrowing. “And I’m sorry Riza got hurt. Neither of us meant for that to happen. I thought maybe...she was getting better.”
Was Maes saying what Roy thought he was? He couldn’t deal with this, not now. “That wasn’t what I meant.”
“What are you talking about? Her getting hurt at the tail end of the fighting?” Maes shot Roy a worried look. “That wasn’t your fault. Things like that happen in war, Roy. Hawkeye wasn’t even under your immediate command.”
Roy shook hard, almost convulsively at the memory. “She didn’t get hurt in battle.”
Maes got to his feet. His voice was sharp as his daggers when he asked, “You did that to her? Why, Roy? Was it because of us? Were you fighting? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
Roy laughed hollow, bitter as he put his hands over his face. That Maes could even thing that hurt more than he knew how to deal with. “No to all of it but the first. I did it. She begged me to. I didn’t want to do that. It killed what little was left alive in me.”
“Then why?” Maes put a hand on Roy’s shoulder, feeling the quivering that rattled Mustang.
“Because she was so appalled by me that she wanted to be sure no more monsters like me would ever exist,” Roy spat.
“I don’t understand.”
Roy dropped his hands away from his face. “You know her father was my mentor. He died before he told me the secrets to flame alchemy. Riza heard my plans for helping the people, you know the ones.” Roy took a deep breath and Maes nodded. They had spent long idealistic nights discussing them in the academy. “She believed in them, in me, Maes. It’s why she went into the military, for me, to protect me. And she was the one who told me the secret to flame alchemy.”
“Her father told her,” Maes guessed. “But why would you burn her, Roy?”
“Teacher didn’t tell his daughter, Maes. He tattooed the array to her back. She made me destroy it. I’m the only one who knows it now,” Roy whispered. “I’m the last.”
“But you wear the array on your glove. Anyone could copy it. There was no need for something so extreme,” Maes pointed out, his voice trembling.
Roy shook his head. “There’s more to it than just the array. You have to know how to disassemble and reassemble the molecules and compounds. There are secrets to controlling the flames. The text for it was there as well. That’s where I concentrated my fire.”
Maes slumped down onto the floor next to Roy. “I didn’t realize...she shouldn’t have asked it of you, Roy. She had no right to make you feel more like a monster.”
“I don’t think Riza was in a good frame of mind, Maes, not then. I found her burying an Ishbalan child our military had left to rot in a ditch like a road killed dog. I think the horror just caught up to her,” Roy said in her defense.
“She has such a claim on you, Roy,” Maes whispered, his head drooping.
“I love her and I think she loves me, too...but she’s afraid of me as well and I don’t know how to fix any of this,” Roy lamented.
“There’s not even room for me in any of that, is there?” Maes’ eyes hardened like citrines.
“There’s room, Maes. I just...don’t know how we all work together yet, if we even can. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you,” Roy replied, looking askance at Maes. “And it’s unfair to you, to her, to even think about asking for you to care about me when I no longer do.”
Maes put his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Somewhere in there I heard that you love me which...I don’t even know how to address because you went and said you don’t love yourself any more.”
Roy jerked away. “I don’t want to talk about it at all.”
Maes caught him, whipping Roy around harshly. “You’re going to. You can’t do this to me, Roy. You can’t say those things then shut me out.”
“I didn’t mean...”
“What? The words? To let them slip?” Maes shook Roy’s shoulders.
“To burden you,” Roy whispered.
Maes felt Roy trembling. He brushed a hand along his friend’s cheek. “Do you love me?”
“I didn’t mean to.” Roy covered his eyes with one hand. “I made such a mess of things.”
Maes pulled him closer. “I love you, Roy. I don’t care if that makes things messy.”
Roy rested his forehead against Maes’ shoulder. “Does Gracia know?”
“No. It’s taken me this long to admit it.” Maes held Roy tenderly. “I came here tonight to be a friend and...I think I’m failing because I want to kiss you so badly. But I won’t. We need to talk about you not wanting us to care about you because you don’t care about you.”
“Forget I said that,” Roy muttered against Maes’ neck. He should never have said anything. Don’t let Maes hear the suicidal tones.
“I don’t think so.” Maes gently pushed Roy back. “Talk to me, Roy. Tell me about how you’re feeling.”
“I’m drunk and I said too much,” Roy said evasively.
“Roy, I don’t like how you’re talking. I need you to know that I care about you. Riza cares. Even if you think we don’t, we do,” Maes promised him.
Roy nodded. “All right, fine. I believe you...about you. Riza...maybe in time. I’m tired, Maes. I want to go to sleep.”
“Do you want me to stay? Here, on the couch, just to keep you company?” Maes asked hurriedly.
“I need to be alone.” Roy turned away.
“All right.”
“And Maes, you need to tell Gracia. Before we can have more talks, before we do anything more, you owe her that much or we end here. It can’t go further between us...only I don’t even know if it will.” Roy sighed. “I don’t know what to do, Maes. Maybe you shouldn’t tell her. Just let it end. I’ll try to save what I can with Riza. You don’t have to hurt Gracia, too.” Roy ran his hand through his hair. “I’m drunk,” he repeated. “Forget everything I said. Don’t ever tell Gracia.”
“Let me worry about Gracia, Roy.” Maes put his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “You get some rest. We don’t have to solve this problem tonight.”
“Then why do I feel like we need to?” Roy whispered.
“Because you’re drunk and emotionally battered. Get some rest. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon and we’ll talk then. Maybe we can make some sense out of it,” Maes said, steering Roy towards his bedroom. “Go to sleep. I’ll let myself out.”
“Thanks, Maes.” Roy listened for the front door’s opening and closing. When he was sure Maes was gone, he gave in to the torrent he was too proud to show his friend. Roy dissolved into salt water on the floor.
X X X
Maes knew this was stupid but he had to do it. The hallway of the rundown apartment complex was a stark contrast to the opulent housing provided to Roy. Hawkeye had been graduated ahead of schedule from the Academy due to time served in Ishbal but she was still nothing more than a lowly second lieutenant. Her housing reflected that.
Shock registered on Hawkeye’s sleepy face as she cracked open the door. Maes saw the glint of her gun at the edge of the door. “Hughes? Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes.”
She read a lot of warning in that simple word and dragged him inside. “It’s Roy, isn’t it?”
Maes nodded. “He’s a mess, Hawkeye. He’d be furious that I’m telling you this but he needs his friends looking out for him right now.”
Hawkeye set the pistol on the little table next to the door that also held her keys. “You and he were...” She couldn’t look at him as the words trailed off. Her face colored.
“I don’t think there is a me and him, Hawkeye.” Maes leaned against the door. “He’s doing his best to shut us out. Me probably even more so than you. He knows he hurt you but...” Maes rubbed his chin. “It’s not my place to get into this, Hawkeye, but you deserve the truth. I just wish I knew what that was.”
She was watching him now. He didn’t know what to make of her scrutiny. He had been more open with her in those few sentences than he had ever been. “I know you care about him.”
“That might not be enough. He thinks he’s ruined us all. I’m not sure he’s wrong. I don’t want to be the reason there’s a wedge between you and Roy. And if there is something between him and me, then I have a woman I owe answers to as well. But that’s not really why I woke you up in the middle of the damn night.” Maes said, each word carefully measured and chosen for fit.
Riza’s eyes widened as the realization sank in. “Did Roy do something at that damn bar?”
Just like he suspected, Riza knew. “No. I got him out of there. What brought me here is...he doesn’t want us to care about him because he doesn’t care about himself.”
Riza’s breath caught. She walked stiffly to the couch and gently lowered herself onto the cushions. Maes felt even guiltier about waking her up. Her injuries were plagued her. “You think he’s going to hurt himself.” Her hand shook where it grasped the battered arm of the old piece of furniture.
Maes sat on the sturdy coffee table facing her. “Yes, I do. I’ve known him a long time. I know you have as well. Roy feels things deeply.”
“I know that. And he’s...idealistic.”
“Not any more. Ishbal crushed him. I think being made a hero has only made that worse. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he’s been hinky with me ever since...well, ever since you found out about us.” Maes sighed. “I’m not sure I know how to help him other than to keep a close eye on him and try to let him know he’s not alone.”
“I can do that.” Riza’s lip trembled. “I don’t want...he can’t hurt himself.”
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. He thinks you’re afraid of him, Riza or that you hate him as much as you love him. Or something.” Maes watched her face crumble and she covered it with a hand as if trying to hold herself together.
“He has reason to. My father...he knew, Hughes, he knew what this alchemy could do. It’s why he didn’t give the secrets to Roy. I heard him when he was dying, wishing that he had instructed Roy in those secrets.” Riza licked her lips, tears collecting along the rim of her eyes. “I heard all the beautiful things Roy wanted to do for the people and I believed in him. I finished what my father started and damn if Father wasn’t right. Look at what they turned Roy into!”
“It’s not Roy’s fault, Hawkeye.” Maes’ voice shook. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. He needed her to believe him. “This wasn’t what he wanted and he wants to make things better.”
“He can’t take back what he did,” she replied.
“But he can make it so it doesn’t happen again. Roy needs us to be able to achieve those goals some day. More importantly, he needs to know that we can care about him, no matter what happened. Do you?”
She stifled a sob and bobbed her head.
Maes switched over to sitting next to her. “Then tell him. It was terrifying watching what he and the other Alchemists could do, like pissed off gods. But letting him see that fear, it’s killing him inside, Hawkeye. He will become the thing you fear if we let the good inside him die. Do you know how much it hurts him that he had to hurt you? I know you had your reasons, good ones, for making him do it but I don’t think it was the right thing to do. Roy’s taking it hard.”
Tears trickled over the fingers she had clamped over her mouth, holding back the screams that wanted to bubble out. She leaned away from Maes but he caught her and dragged her against him. Riza shuddered against him then wiped her face. “I never wanted to cry, especially in front of another soldier.”
“I won’t tell,” he promised.
“I’ll talk to Roy. I do love him but my own fears...they got the better of me.”
“Then tell him that, too. It’s probably better that we start being honest with ourselves.”
Riza looked up at him, smiling slightly through her turmoil. “You are good for him, you know that right?”
“Someone has to be. Roy’s never good to himself.” Maes brushed her hair back. “I should go. I’ve caused enough disturbance for one night.”
“No, you said the things I needed to hear. I’ll talk to him and I’ll watch over him. I’ve already made that promise to him. I just needed time to heal,” Riza replied.
“I hope you feel better soon.” Maes impulsively leaned in and kissed her forehead. “If he gets too out of hand for you or you’re worried, call on me any time. No matter what happens, I’m still his friend.”
“Thanks, and you do the same.”
Riza walked him to the door. Maes took the long route home, unable to sort through all the feelings mixing inside of him.
Chapter Two
Gracia hadn’t expected Maes to say anything like the words coming out of his mouth. At first, she just couldn’t understand them, as if her boyfriend had learned some ancient tongue in the desert. Her meticulously prepared meal had gone to ash in her mouth. The thought of the candies she had brought home from work for dessert made her stomach flip. Why did he choose now to say these things? She might never be able to look at food again.
Getting up from the table, she walked away from him. Her strength left her when she hit the living room. Lucky thing or she might have made it all the way to the street and who knew what would have happened then. Gracia collapsed on the couch.
“Gracia?” Maes said from the doorway.
“You cheated on me,” she said flatly.
“It wasn’t...” Maes came into the room and would have sat next to her but a glare stopped him dead.
“I thought Roy was your best friend,” she interrupted his rationalization.
“He is,” Maes said weakly.
“I didn’t realize that meant you had sex together,” she snarled and Maes winced.
“Gracia, it wasn’t anything we had planned.” Maes seemed ready to fall limp at her feet if not for the mantle he leaned on.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Gracia propelled herself up and stalked over to him. “You cheated on me with another man , Maes. How do you think that makes me feel?” She wanted to hit him, to make him hurt like she did.
“I’m sorry, Gracia.” Maes reached for her.
She batted his hand away. “Why? Was it that place? Were you that lonely?”
“It wasn’t like that.” Maes shook his head, almost seeming angry with her. “It wasn’t some cheap...”
“Then what?” Gracia demanded, shoving at him.
Maes turned from her, taking a few paces away before whirling back. “I’m in love with him,” he said, his citrine eyes meeting hers.
Gracia fell back, unable to speak. She felt as cold and pale as the marble mantle. She was as unsubstantial as fog. “What? I don’t understand. You were supposed to love me and he was in love with...what did you say her name was? Hawkeye?”
“He is in love with her and I do love you, but I also love him,” Mae said, looking utterly weary. She would have pitied him if she wasn’t so frightened and angry.
“This doesn’t make any sense, Maes,” Gracia said, too worn to be loud. Her voice rasped like sand paper. “How am I supposed to feel? What would Hawkeye think if she knew?”
“She knows,” Maes said simply.
“Oh.” Gracia reared back as if slapped. She couldn’t take any more. Going back to the couch, Gracia collapsed on it. “I see. Well, it’s good that she knows.” What a stupid thing to say! What could she say that wouldn’t sound inane?
“Gracia, I...”
“Get out, Maes,” she said softly.
His larynx bobbed as he swallowed hard. “What?”
“Get out. I don’t want to see you,” she added more strongly, her fingers digging into the couch.
“You’ll call me when you’re ready to talk,” he added hopefully.
She twisted on the couch to face him fully. “I won’t call, Maes. I’m not going to see you again.”
His eyes glistened. “But Gracia...”
“Out!” She pointed to the door.
To his credit, Maes didn’t fight with her. He moved past her, tears in his eyes. She couldn’t let them sway her. She didn’t know how to handle this. Gracia lost track of time as she sat there after the front door shut. Finally she staggered up numbly and went to the kitchen. Dinner was cold on the table and the candles had guttered.
Gracia grabbed the ends of the table cloth, folding up all four corners into a nice handle which she used to slam the contents into the wall a few times, cracking the plaster. She left the tablecloth filled with broken glass and shattered china fall to the floor. Walking like one already dead up the steps of her townhouse, Gracia drew a bath hotter than she could usually stand. Gracia scrubbed hard then finally dissolved into tears as it all caught up to her.
X X X
Roy rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled into the Winking Lizard. The bartender glared at him as if he were somehow to blame for this.
“Usually I’m calling him to haul your drunk ass out of here. Guess it’s your turn.” The bartender jerked a thumb at Maes who swayed on a bar stool, gazing unfocused at his whiskey glass.
Roy snorted at the bartender and went over to Maes who reeked of the hard liquor he had been guzzling. “What’s wrong, Maes?”
“Get away.” Maes pushed at him and fell off his stool.
Roy caught him before Maes could hit the sticky floor. He staggered back against Maes’ weight. “Damn, you’re heavy, Maes.”
“She left me,” Maes said, slurring so badly Roy could barely make out his words. Maes tried to go for the door and nearly fell again, lurching against Roy.
Roy staggered, dragging Maes along. “What?”
“Ish told her ‘bout ush.” Maes careened off a table then finally made the doorway.
“Oh, damn, hush up about that now,” Roy said, thankful he had a cab waiting. He poured Maes into it. Luckily, Maes broke into tears, embarrassing but at least he wasn’t about to tell the world he and Roy were lovers. Finally, he passed out on Roy’s shoulder, drooling down his neck. When they arrived at Maes’ apartment, Roy shook Maes until he came around.
“Wha?” Maes pushed at Roy.
“We’re home. Get out of the car.”
Roy had to get out of the cab and drag Maes out. He paid the fare and tried to get Maes into his apartment. He was practically dragging dead weight. “Am I this much of a pain in the ass when I’m drunk?” he asked rhetorically. Maes didn’t really respond. Roy hauled him into the bedroom and let Maes crash on the bed.
“I’s feel terrible,” Maes groaned. Roy darted in with a trashcan and barely leapt back in time. Maes hugged the can close, getting violently sick.
“See, this is why you should leave the drinking to me.”
“She left me,” Maes blubbered.
Roy sighed, taking the can from Maes, nestling the smelly thing next to the bed just in case. “Why did you tell her?”
“How did you know I did?”
“Because why else would she have left you?” Roy laid Maes back on the bed. He knew there were many reasons Gracia could have broken up with Maes but he also knew Maes. The man was very likely to have confessed.
“She wouldn’t even look at me,” Maes moaned.
“We’ll talk about it when you’re sober,” Roy said, feeling awful for his friend. At least Riza hadn’t walked out of his life. “Why did you tell her, Maes? I told you not to tell her yet.”
Maes didn’t answer, out cold and drooling on his pillow. Roy covered him up and let himself out. He looked back at the apartment as he walked home. “Damn you, Maes, for being so honest. You just had to go and throw it all away.” Roy knew nothing was going to make it any better.
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