An innocent post

[cornerofmadness]

can have unexpected results. Two of my fellow podiatrists made FB posts. One posted about something cool my alma mater is doing and the other posted about three jobs opening up in the VA and I lost it. All I ever wanted to do was be a VA doctor. I even did a residency I didn't like in NYC to increase my chances because the guy who did all the hiring was centered there. Turned out he hated women and retired anyhow and they never replaced him. Hiring went local. It was the height of HMOs where no doctor could get on with them so everyone wanted into the VA. Once I left the residency I left the VA for good, no matter how hard I tried, there just weren't any job openings. I never got my chance.

I missed the anniversary of my injury this month. It's unreal to me it's been 13 years since my life's work crashed down around me. All the sacrifices, all the hard work all the DEBT and all I have now is the debt. I lost a man I cared for. I put my body and mind through hell to become a doctor. It was my childhood dream. With one kick of a foot, it was gone. Those two posts reminded me of what I lost.

It's strange. I can no longer remember his name, the patient who kicked me. I no longer remember the name of the town or the name of the nursing home I was injured in. I know it was north west of Madison, and near the town of Rio pronounced the same stupid way they do here Rye-o. Randolph maybe? I don't know. I DO remember his face. I can feel the AFO in my hands as I struggled to get it back on him since once again the home didn't provide they help they were supposed to. I remember the sound of the tissues of my wrist tearing and the swelling and pain. Then the awful numbness, the pins and needles feeling that happened whenever I tried to use my right hand. I'll never forget it because it's still with me. Typing hurts more than people know but I'm afraid if I use Dragon speaking software I'll lose even more use of the hand.

I have gained some things. I have a job, even though it makes me nuts, isn't nearly as stressful as patient care. I have good friends here and online. I have a goofy cat who, like the students, lives to make me insane. But that doesn't mean I don't get sad when confronted with the losses.

I ran into my friend at the library (okay we were together all yesterday too) and we talked for even longer. She started looking into the public service loan forgiveness. Turns out MOST student loans don't qualify. I will look anyhow. mamculuna told me about this but in the hurry to do research projects (still undone, damn you Wales), class work, novels etc I never did my due diligence and that makes me sad

Of course I'm exhausted, this is not helping. Last night was cool enough to have the windows open but it is SO noisy I kept getting awoken. Finally around dawn I shut the windows. sigh.

declutter day 92 item tossed -Green linen shirt why kept -I liked it why tossed- Got tight

Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I'm still sorry about your old job. -_-

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you

[makd.livejournal.com]

What a horror you went through - and even still are, as a result of the injury.

However, on the positive side - you have work; you have friends; you have your writing - and these are all so. very. good.

::hugs::

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you.

It was bad. It's worse right now around the injury and at Christmas when I packed away my tools for good (I tried to work for months after the injury)

But yes, I have a good job (even if the area makes me weep some days. Ah hillbillies) and good friends and who knows maybe my writing career will take off or I'll hit the lottery (we lost a biologist when he hit the lottery AND we lost an English prof who know writes mysteries under the name Carlene Thompson)

[sholio]

*hugs* I can't even imagine how devastating that must have been. I have a physical disability, but I'm lucky in that it developed when I was a kid, so I had plenty of time to rearrange my life plans accordingly. There are things I'll never be able to do, but I've always known I can never do them, so I don't actually miss them, if that makes any sense. Having to change life plans in midstream must have been so very hard.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks. it was and is. I have some issues with one leg from birth so I do know what you mean in that respect.


If it wasn't for the crushing student debt I wouldn't be so sad sometimes. Being a professor IS fun but it doesn't pay enough to meet my obligations

[0-mother-0.livejournal.com]

*clicks* and {{{hugs}}}

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thanks

[sillymagpie.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you lost so much. I'm glad you still have work, and writing, and a kitty, and friends. And we are glad to have YOU.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

thank you so very much