Bad night

[cornerofmadness]

One of those nights where you know you're not going to sleep, when you just want to call someone and talk but it's so damn late that you know everyone is in bed and there's work tomorrow so you can't call.

One of those nights where your hand hovers above the phone, thinking this is what hotlines are for, make the call before you get further adrift

One of those nights when all the crap that has been building for so long crashes in on you and you can't breathe, you can't even stop trembling long enough to try to lie down because the whole bed shakes. And it's the little things that set it off, the emotional right cross that came out of nowhere when you least expect it, the thing you should be able to say screw it, this isn't going to get to me.

Only it does and it's one in the morning and you're alone and dawn is so very far away.

Comments

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Thanks for worrying. THat means a lot. I almost got back on but I figured if I did I'd be up all night.

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

Yeah I don't blame you. I know what it's like, some nights when I get depressed I just sit at my computer when I should be in bed at least trying to go to sleep.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

This year it's been worse than it has since my hand was first crippled. Then again I lost 4 family members already this year and I'm nearly ready to graduate with no one looking to hire me sigh.

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

Well if you ever need to talk, you know I am always here.
I am close to finally getting my BA and I've come to the conclusion that my dream of getting my doctorate is not going to happen & I am not going to teach at the university level so I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I just wasted a bunch of my life for nothing. So I can sympathise and understand how you feel about graduating & no one wanting to hire you.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Goes both ways.

That's tough. Sometimes there has to be breaks in the pursuit of degree. In my case I was a surgeon until three years ago well almost four now when a patient kicked me rupturing the nerve in my hand. I'm going into teaching as a second career and I know I'll be at community colleges simply because no university wants a non-ph.d. non-researcher

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

You know what right about now I would take the college route because I would love to impart knowledge. But I don't have the grades to get a Masters degree all because of some stupid prof. And now I am just burnt out.

That sucks about the nerve in your hand. I am just glad that I love history and can study it without needing to be in an university. I am thinking for a career to either get into web design or into writing. I

Thanks too for listening.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah been working on that writing thing for years. Very tough row to hoe. I know all about burning out (almost got that history degree myself. I was like one or two classes short, can't remember now).

Yeah, it was a long way to fall. I like teaching. I'm not upset about that. My problems deal with the huge debt I have having over me thanks to school

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

Yeah I am not looking forward to that... it's about 15,000 dollars right now.
And I know if I stay at the job I am in right now I will never get it paid off.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I owe a quarter of million for medical school once you add in the interest (those I AM trying to get discharged because of my disability).

Grad school is about 40,000K which my insurance said they were going to pay and a year and a half into it said 'wait, it's a HAND injury? You don't deserve retrained for that.'

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

But you can't work because of your hand injury? that's kind of lame of them.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

Wisconsin, like many states assigns percentages to injuries. Hurting your back is worth say 50% while a hand is only 10%. Not worth it to a lawyer to go to court and you're right it's lame and unfair.

[aaronlisa.livejournal.com]

I think it's pretty much the same everywhere. Stupid lame things like that happen.